Glace Bay, Nova Scotia
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Glace Bay (population 1,696,000) is a bustling metropolis located on the east side of Cape Breton Island. It is an extremley wealthy city and most of its residents earn over $100,000 per year. While most of the town is wealthy, the richest districts include Caledonia Heights, Passchendale, New Aberdeen, and Ocean Crescent. Glace Bay is home to a thriving drug and agricultural industry. Many in Glace Bay make a good living as self-employed pharmacists distributing needed medication such as OxyContin, Percocet, and Dilaudid. There are also a large number employed in the agricultural industry growing cash crops such as marijuana. Call centers are also another booming industry in the city. The Glace Bay World Trade Center, a towering 5-story skyscraper located on Union Street, houses thousands of contented call center employees. They work as phone psychics or engage in phone sex with horny teenagers using their parents credit cards. Liquor distribution, both from the Nova Scotia Liquor Commission and independent vendors are also a large source of income for the town.
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[edit] Climate
Glace Bay as its name in French implies, has a very warm climate. The average annual temperature is 25°C. Summer weather persists throughout the year, even in winter. Every year, thousands of Cape Bretoners persist in the annual New Year's Polar Bear swim at Table Head Beach. Palm trees line many of the streets in Glace Bay. Snow and frost is very rare in Glace Bay and hasn't been recorded in over 10 years.
Despite the warm climate and generally good weather, there is a price to pay for living in paradise. Because of its close proximity to water, Glace Bay is vulnerable to hurricanes which usually make landfall every few years. The last major hurricane to hit Glace Bay directly was Category 3 Hurricane Shaun which hit in 1996. It did substantial damage but most buildings in town survived due to the excellent quality work done by Cape Breton architects. Glace Bay missed the catastrophic Category 7 Hurricane Vance which leveled the city of Halifax in 2003.
Glace Bay also occasionally experiences tornadoes, earthquakes, and volcanic eruptions. Glace Bay is close to an active fault line which is located under the Grand Banks. The last major quake occurred in 1929 and measure 9.9 on the Richter Scale. It is expected that a major quake will hit Glace Bay within the next 30 years. An active volcano, Kelly's Mountain, is located only about 100 miles away from the city and major eruptions from it do effect the city's residents. Wildfires, fueled by Glace Bay's dry climate, have also been known to occur throughout the city. The last major one occurred in 2008 and resulted in the No. 11 legion burning to the ground. Fortunately, no other buildings were affected.
[edit] Attractions
Glace Bay is known for its active nightlife. Many respectable women can be found at two of Glace Bay's high class establishment's the Main Event and the Guildwood. The Guilwood shut down a few months ago, because most of the ladies frequent the trendiest bar in NEw Waterford, called JT's. If sports are your thing, there are two excellent sporting facilities located in the city. There is the 20,000 seat hockey arena the Bayplex and the 50,000 seat baseball stadium Cameron Bowl. Glace Bay is also home to a Rugby team known as the Glace Bay Pillheads. The Pillheads are known for their ability to withstand any kind of pain. Dead whales washed up on the shore are popular attractions to children and teenagers. Glace Bay is also home to the world's largest mall, the Sterling Mall, it is over 10 stories tall and each floor covers roughly one square kilometer. Glace Bay also has a booming sex industry. If high class whores are your thing, you can get great deals on blowjobs at Jean's Experts. If you don't have a lot of cash, the cost of a few drinks at the Main Event or the Guildwood should be enough to pay most prostitutes. Some prostitutes will actually pay you to have sex with them. Luxury hotel accommodations are also easy to come by in Glace Bay. One can get a five-star hotel room with a small amount of pocket change for the hobos who squat there.
[edit] Wildlife
Even though Glace Bay is a major metropolitan center, it has a lot of green space within its city limits and there is also a large amount of wilderness located outside of the city. As a result, the town is a very diverse ecosystem home to many plant and animal species, some found only in Cape Breton. Some animals found in Glace Bay include; bald eagles, ducks, shithawks, swans, chocobos, moogles, pokemon, horses, unicorns, pegasuses, elephants, wooly mammoths, blue whales, great white sharks, geese, meese, cats, dogs, humans, racoons, bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, chupacabras, lions, tigers, bears, emus, emos, Cape Breton Field Lobsters, chimpanzees, gorillas, jeffjoey, neanderthals, dinosaurs, cockroaches, pillheads, prostitots, pubic lice, head lice, book lice. Many of these animals have become tame and are kept as pets by the townspeople. Some of the more docile animals include great white sharks, moose, lions, and tigers.
Plant species found include the palm trees, giant ferns, and shoe trees. One such famous shoe tree is known as the Jello tree and is found downtown. Many of the town's pharmacists peddle their wares under the Jello tree.
[edit] Economy
As mentioned earlier, Glace Bay has a booming economy. Part of the reason for the success of the city is because after the closure of the coal mines and fishing industry, the city diversified. Thriving sectors include the agricultural sector (marijuana and opium), the pharmaceutical sector (Oxycontin and Percocet), the call center industry (phone psychics and phone sex), and the sex industry (strip clubs and whorehouses). These four industries bring in a tremendous amount of capital to Glace Bay. The city is served by top-notch dining establishments where you will not be fed any better than you could be at any greasy sppon. Hot sandwiches dripping in fabricated and MSG laden gravies are the preferred choice over fresh ingredients or home made offerings. Not to fret, for if you need hospital care, the city is served faithfully by local cougar maidens who pass themselves off as nurses. Just make sure you don't get sick during a planned hospital closure, normally falling between June 20 to Nov 15. To survive in the restaurant business, you must take out a drug distribution permit (only $40 and available from the CBRM Police) because you will need to diversify your business in those slow times between Jan 1 and Dec 31. The permit allows you to distribute the favorite pharmaceuticals right to you customers door. Your take-home after taxes and police gratuities is a stunning 7.9%.
The area was once served by a first class steakhouse until the owners found they could get a NS Government grant (similar to the whiny lobster fisherman) to close the establishment and make more money in Siberia Russia serving boiled rabbit to local eskimo polar navigators. They immediately left to open their new enterprise and have recently purchased an island in the Caribbean.They will obviously never be seen or will ever return to the happy confines of this illustrious metropolis. It's a Glace Bay tradition to not allow any business operations opened after 1985 to expand or succeed. Preference is given to operators that keep buildings closed, boarded up (plywood preferred) and work full-time outside of Glace Bay.
Those wishing to serve the Glace Bay public should first enroll themselves in a chinese water torture class and maintain a grade standing of no less than A minus for a minimum of 3 consecutive years to assure your skin is indeed thick enough and you have the mental strength to serve the Glace Bay dining public.
Water torture classes can be substituted for $40 and documented proof of having dined at Mike's Lunch for three consecutive Sundays without being barked at or screamed at by Mike's staff. Be careful, as Mike's staff have been known to start in on unexpected diners over a request as minute as $10 in change!!.. Failing this, it should be mentioned the Chinese water torture class is a quicker and better way of attaining certified skills for serving Glace Bay diners. Just make sure that your accountant approves of your inability to make a profit for 3 consecutive years and is fully equipped to get you your HST payments from the Feds in 8 weeks or less.
Glace Bay boasts winning the coveted "Dissatisfied Customer Rusty Hubcap Award" from Stats Canada for 17 straight years. If there ever was a medal rightfully placed and handed out for the very best of complaining about the most minute and idiotic subjects, Glace Bay indeed wins the game! This prize winning dining public have forced even the most seasoned and experienced restauranteurs be they Scottish, Irish, Italian, German or Turkish pizza parlor owners running out of town screaming to high heaven while scratching and holding their limp genitals with one hand and dialing up a clean smoke-free Sonny's taxi to get the hell out of dodge!!.. Buyer beware! If you feel up to it, by all means give it a try. Just be prepared to age 10 years in a very short time and prepare yourself to step back in time 20 years. If you wish to retire and operate a business to support your retirement, you may want to re-discover a business opportunity in Antarctica before trying to start anything in Glace Bay.
Business owners in Glace Bay are secretly exempt from carrying property insurance since 89% of high school students have been convicted of property damage related offences and can be found on Facebook or You Tube displaying their expertise. Their unionized working mothers simply do not have the time to properly raise their ill-behaved lil jewels. Just remember the over-worked unionized cougar nurses, it's easier to get insurance coverage in a dynamite factory than get $6 for a broken window out of Glace Bay's prize winning working population.
Besides with an average age of 45, Glace Bay boasts an annual 133% increase in Disability Pension holders for seven straight years. Not bad for a populace where 45% are unemployed and the other 55% work full-time away from Glace Bay. These gems seem to find a way to afford all the best in life without having to pay for it! And they always find a way to get hurt.
Most of the disabled pension holders travel through the city on four-wheel ATV's dressed in orange Devco coveralls and sunglasses or can also be found navigating 24 beer driving around in 25 ft. inboard riverboats at Grand Mira. We should all be thankful for this seasoned group of disabled pirates as they ensure local insurance rates and liquor consumption remain the highest in the country. Their contributions to the local economy cannot be overlooked.
Liqour is also big business in town, the City Liqour Store located in the Sobeys Plaza on Reserve Street, is open 24/7 and serves hundreds of thousands of people each day. Glace Bay consumes more liqour, per capita, than any other region of the country. Bars are also big business in town. The Main Event and the Guildwood, two of the most exclusive night clubs in Cape Breton dominate the entertainment industry. Other bars include the BayPlex, numerous Legions, the Radio Club, and Dooly's. Nurses and Respectable and clean women can be found at any of these fine establishments during hospital closures.
The military also has a large presence in town with a large base located on the Sterling Road. The brave members of the Cape Breton Liberation Army guard the city night and day and protect us against constant threat of attack by the Mainland.
[edit] Religion
The vast majority of Glace Bay's population are Christian, with most being Roman Catholics. There are also a number of Prostitute Churches in town as well. A small minority of residents practice Vancism, a faith which worships a mysterious deity known only as Vance. He is said to reside in a Gold Palace in Mira and has the ability to paint 27 cars in one day. Other abilities attributed to him include swimming to England and travelling faster than light.
Members of both religious sects are extremely anti-semitic and the last of the Jews were run out of town a number of years ago. Atheists, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and Sikhs are also not welcome in town. Pastafarians are tolerated. Most people in town still believe in biblical creationism, practitioners of Vancism are even more extreme, believing their god created the universe only 25 years ago.
Some religious skirmishes have been reported between members of both religions and among Christians but this has been kept to a minimum over the last few years. The town has been united by intermarraige (and inbreding) as well as by their hatred of anything else different. The townspeople have spent an enormous amount of time and money designing fancy churches and cathedrals to appease their Creators.
Glace Bay is also the first city in Canada to have evolution removed from the public school science curriculum. It was done by an unholy alliance of Jenova's Witnesses, Pastafarians, Rastafarians, and Baptists who were elected to the school board.
[edit] Sports
As mentioned earlier, Glace Bay is a huge sports city. It has many professional teams in hockey, baseball, and rugby. Glace Bay has a world class rugby team known as the Glace Bay Pillheads. They are housed at Harvest House on Main Street and play at various fields which are located all across the city. Glace Bay's NHL team, the Glace Bay Sexual Predators plays at the Bayplex Arena, often to sold out crowds of more than 20,000 people. They have a fierce rivalry with the Sydney Shithawks. Glace Bay also has a Major League Baseball Team, the Cape Breton 69ers in the American League. Glace Bay does not have an NBA team but many Glace Bayers are fans of the Sydney Tar Ponds who play out of Centre 200 in Sydney.
Glace Bay also has a large amount of space and resources dedicated not only to pro sports but also to recreational sports. Popular recreational sports in Glace Bay include deer-jacking, chesterfield rugby, and triathlon where athletes bike, run, and swim away from members of the Cape Breton Regional Police.
[edit] Neighbourhoods
Glace Bay is a very large city and is divided into many districts and neighbourhoods. Most of them are very safe and high-class but there are a few areas of town that one needs to be careful at night in.
[edit] New Aberdeen
This is one of the most exclusive neighbourhoods in town. It is known for its high-class and wealthy people. It is home to a beautiful beach known as Number 2 shore. Most of the residents here live in mansions known as company houses and the streets are paved with gold. It is also home to the Hub field, one of the fields where the Pillheads frequently play.
[edit] Caledonia Heights
Also known as Sin City, this exclusive neighbourhoods caters to only the finest residents in Glace Bay. High priced condominiums (also known as the Cape Breton Housing Authority) ensures that only the best is able to get in and all the riffraff are kept out.
[edit] Beechwood Drive
This is a relatively impoverished area of town, while murders here are quite rare. Serious crimes such as purse-snatching, panhandling, and boob-grabbing occur in this neighbourhood. Visitors to this neighbourhood are advised to go there only in the day, to travel in packs, and to be aware of their surroundings at all time. Sexy women are advised to stay away from this area because of the high number of perverts that reside there. Stay clear of the old horny men from this side of town.
[edit] Passchendale
Another wealthy enclave of the Bay. It is home to International Street where many former diplomats with the government of Canada reside. This neighbourhood was also home to the Mansfield Street cannibal who was arrested a few years ago. James Jefferson, a well known pilot and creator of the Jefferson Airplane, also lives in this neighbourhood.
[edit] Sterling
Also known as the Red-light district, this multi-cultural and multi-ethnic neighbourhood is home to the Sterling Strip. It features the largest mall in the world, the Sterling Mall, as well as a high-class whore house known as Jean's Experts. Jean's Experts frequently offers great deals on both blowjobs and handjobs.
[edit] MacKay's Corner
Another rough area of town. It is named after the great pimp Peter MacKay who would command his prostitutes to work this corner. Even to this day, prostitutes loyal to MacKay continue to work this area. During elections, they frequently hand out flyers and offer blowjobs in exchange for support of MacKay's Conservative Party.
[edit] Chapel Hill
This is a middle-class district overlooking the Sterling and Lake Beacon, home of the Loch Ness Monster. There is a large fielded area in the center of this neighborhood where many of the town's farmers grow their marijuana crops. The neighbourhood is also home to a popular swimming and fishing spot at Lake Beacon located on Beacon Street. The Loch Ness monster occasionally feeds on tourists that visit but this is quite rare. The neighborhood resident's appease the beast by making monthly human sacrifices to it. When not feasting on humans, the beast also eats the ducks, seagulls, frogs, and fish that live in the lake.
[edit] Steal's Hill
A poorer area of town not far from Passchendale. Things tend to get stolen around here which is how the neighbourhood received its name. A local resident once parked his car there when he was visiting a friend on O. J. Simpson's Lane (one of the streets in the neighbourhood). He returned to it an hour later to find all the doors ripped off, the tires gone, the car stereo taken out and most of the parts stripped from it. When he asked police why they didn't take the whole car, the police remarked that at least a dozen different people scavenged the car while the owner was away.
[edit] Table Head
Located between the Sterling and New Aberdeen, Table Head has one of the most pristine beaches in the world. The water is warm, clear, and clean and is suitable for swimming year-round. Its sandy beaches make for a popular tourist spot year round. It is also a nude beach and many of Glace Bay's sexiest women can be found here showing off their goods. A great place to take your family.
[edit] Ocean Crescent
Another rich location of town. This exclusive neighbourhood is in a prime location. It is located near the Sterling Mall, the 20,000 seat capacity hockey arena, the BayPlex, and is located near the high-class health and fitness club, Perry's. Many expensive condominiums in this neighbourhood (known as lo-rentals) cater only to the upper echelons of Glace Bay High Society.
[edit] Harbour
This is the district which is home to many of the fishermen who make their living off of the shores of Glace Bay. A notorious hobolo known only as S to the power of four prowls this neighbourhood for young women who he refers to as pieces. Many of the women in the neighbourhood welcome his advances due to his high level of sexual prowess. Streets in this neighbourhood include Dihydrogen Oxide Drive, Wadman Street, Thrillcox Lane, and Mello Yello Street.
[edit] Maple
This is a poor discrict just south of Caledonia. It his home to Lake Road, Maple Avenue, and a number of other slums. The people here were too poor to get into Caledonia so they began squatting beneath its hills. This is how the neighbourhood began.
[edit] Bridgeport
Wealthy district located on the outskirts of town just outside of the suburb of Dominion. Located in Bridgeport is an exclusive private school known as Bridgeport School. Windward Estates, a street where some of the biggest and best homes in Glace Bay are located is also in Bridgeport. Sidney Crosby Street in Bridgeport is where many of Glace Bay's star hockey players reside.
[edit] Renwick Park
This area straddles both sides of the Renwick River which runs directly through the middle of the city. It is home to Cameron Stadium which seats 50,000 people, Queen Elizabeth Park, and Morrison Jr. High School, an elite private middle school where the rich and famous of Glace Bay send their children.
[edit] Main Street Area
This is where it all happens. The thriving district of the city, it is where all the biggest businesses in town are located. Curries Funeral Home, St.Annes Church, and the Glace Bay World Trade Center are all located around here. There may be lots going on but dont let it fool you. It is the slums of the town.
[edit] Notable Residents
- John Morgan - The King of Cape Breton called Glace Bay his home before ascending to the throne
- Jack Bauer - The star of the hit series 24 grew up in the Bay and starred in a documentary about it called the Bay Boy. The grandson of Tommy Douglas, he was almost raped by a priest as a boy.
- Michelle "Flakey Drakey" Drake - notable for having to relocate to nearby Sydney, as she had already sexually depleted the male population of Glace Bay. She is well-known to the Men In Blue.
