Girls Aloud
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“Is that the band with the ginger one who looks like a Proboscis Monkey in? ”
“Even I'd have to think twice before shagging the ginger one”
“She has the face for radio”
“it's a fucken' Oitrage”
“This band is fucking awful!!! ”
“What the fuck just hit me?!?!!! ”
Girls Aloud is an all girl, Post-Hardcore grunge band from England. They consist of Cheryl "I'll attack you in a toilet" Cole (nee Tweedy) (nee Cole) (nee Tweedy) (nee Michael Jackson) (Long Story, see below) , Nicola "ugly ginger one" Roberts, Sarah Harding (not that chick from The Lost World: Jurassic Park), Stephen Hawking and Nadine Coyle (what the FUCK is she saying?). Recent scientific research has concluded that the band have unmistaken Biology and can hold their breath for a combined time of 15 minutes and 44 seconds..
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[edit] History
The band was formed during a competition for England's Next Top Whore. The winners who formed Girls Aloud were found to have the most sexually transmitted diseases, grossest pubic hair, and moneymaker shaking ability in the UK. The prize was a bikini wax and ten minutes in the recording studio.
Nicola Roberts got into the band because another contestant, Nicola Ward, decided she didn't want money. After a long search for another girl named Nicola, Roberts was chosen as the Nicola of the band.
The band were named after they were not allowed into a tanning booth due to there being an over-booking of elephants in the Tanning Salon. Although one of the booths was free the receptionist apparently didn't like the look of the ginger one; therefore they were politely asked to sling their hooks. "We were horrified" said Kimberley in an interview with Country Living magazine back in 2002, "we'd begun to get as pasty as that old trout over there" She said, as she pointed at Nicola who was stood in the corner alone.
The band's first single was a huge success, mainly because the only other songs available to buy at the time were a song about rust (Sacred Rust) and a song about touching someone's bum.
After the first single was released a whole bunch of the other stuff happened but I can't be bothered writing it right now.
The Girls Aloud grotto will be opening in Reading, Christmas 2009.
[edit] Band Members
[edit] Nadine Coyle
Nadine is supposed to be the most messed-up girl in Girls Aloud, as prior to her "singing" career, she was a contract killer for the IRA. Her notable victims include Ross McWhirter in 1975 (a record number of bullets were used - that's dedication for you! Thanks, I'm here all week!).
In addition to the obvious handicap of spilling bile from her mouth by sounding like Art Garfunkel, Nadine showed up to several concerts nude on stage. This caused subsequent gigs to sell out. Coyle described this as "Ahn oiytrage". Coyle has Tourettes, causing her to randomly touch herself and shout "Et's a fucken' Oitrage" a lot on stage. She recently was spotted dumping Jesse Metcalfe, star of Desperate Housewives, because he "ate too many fortune cookies and sexed too many Azn chinks". Nadine has starred in 9 pornographicalological movies, and was voted the "Girls Aloud Member Most Likely To Blow A 13 month-old northern Irish bullock". Five weeks later, it was revealed that Nadine did indeed blow said bullock, but loudly described the indcident as "A fucken' Oiytrage". She is a leading authority on chain-smoking, beer swilling, brawling and fasting.
When Nadine's not recording or performing she likes to take time out and wax her bikini line: "there's no point going on stage with an hairy clam" she said to Amy Winehouse at the Brit Awards, "have you ever tried to sing with a carpet between your legs? It's a fucken' oiytrage"
[edit] Cheryl Cole (nee Tweedy)
Cheryl's full name is Cheryl Ann G. Cole. The 'G' is for "God this woman is fucking repugnant!". Cheryl Cole is NOT fit. In the slightest. End of. Unless, of course, you find nasty, arrogant, violent, self-obsessed woman attractive and I'm really just jealous of her. Before joining the group she studied for a degree in Earth Sciences and is allergic to Avon products. She married Ashley Cole in 2006 even though a newspaper front page photo proved that he was bisexual and enjoyed taking it up the arse with a mobile phone. His luck ran out in 2008 when he shagged a 19 year old hairdresser called Karleeeene. Cheryl got him back by shagging all of her bandmates.
Her hobbies include making Quiche Lorraine, swimming in the English Channel, trying on different perfumes in John Lewis and viciously assaulting women for no reason in the toilets of night clubs.
Cheryl's controversial behaviour landed her in the news in 2003 when she viciously assualted a Toilet Attendant in a top London Motel. Cheryl went mad becuase she felt the attendant was too thorough in her cleaning, "I like to see a bit of scum around the taps", screamed Cheryl in her usual offensive, Geordie drawl as she was bundled into a police van. No charges were pressed against Cheryl for the assault but she did have to say sorry on late night TV in front of an audience that contained her parents, a teacher from her old school and her ex, Joel.
[edit] Nicola Roberts
Nicola Julia Roberts is the least repulsive redhead the record companies could find and the best living definition of the term "bottom of the barrel" girls. Whilst her mother was a human, her father was in fact an American Red Salmon. Miraculously, she was born with all the features of a human, except for her hair (the red pigment making it ginger), and her mouth. Therefore, she is generally known as 'Salmon Face' both inside and outside the band. She's also been described as "a modern day Medusa, don't look at any part of her, or you may be turned to shag carpet"
Since joining the band, as both the group's Nicola and the group's redhead, she has written two songs "I Said a Prayer For You and a Few Other People I Know Including This Guy I Just Met at the Bus Stop" and "It's a Kind of Magic (But Not Like the Kind of Magic in the Queen Song of the Same Name)".
He image is replaced with that of Basil Brush on all of Girls Aloud's European releases, as she has failed to achieved the required level of prettiness set out in EU Directive 2008-01-EC.
Nicola's favourite fruit is the cranberry and she attempted, unsuccesfully, to weave the lyrics "Cranberries are low, creeping shrubs or vines up to 2 m long and 5 to 20 cm in height; they have slender, wiry stems that are not thickly woody and have small evergreen leaves oh baby that's me" into the song Mix Our Biologies (2005).
Nicola collects gall-stones.
[edit] Kimberley Walsh
The band member best known for her huge cock sucking lips and fat arse. Putting the the other members of the group in the shade at times as well as fellow mega lipped stars Mick Jagger and Angelina Jolie, who, quite rightly feel she's taking the piss.
2009 has been a hectic year for Kimberley: not only was she awarded a masters degree in Theology at Wesley Methodist theological college, Cambridge, she also climbed K2, alone, in stilletoes: "not for charity guys," she quipped from the summit, "for a bet"
Kimberley puts her determined and unwavering attitude down to Scotch whisky, "i'll av a glass for brekkie, a big 'un, no pissy shots for me. Then two for lunch then another two in t'afternoon. One before bed too. Just one mind. I don't want to be in lav every ten minutes".
[edit] Stephen Hawking
Stephen Hawking is known as the best singer in Girls Aloud though - as the other girls get jealous - he rarely gets to do a chorus on his own. In 2006, he was voted second "Girls Aloud Member Most Likely To Discover Unifying Theory Of Everything", after Nadine. Some have said he resembles Kymberlee Walsh who was a whore in Les Misérables, however those people are stupid as she looks nothing like him at all aside from them both being humans.
Stephen divides his time between a.m. and p.m.
[edit] Going Solo
As Cheryl Cole makes her way into the lonely world of Solo Artistry with her first single "Vicious Assault in a Toilet", the other girls have been quizzed 'what next?'. Will it mean the end of Girls Aloud as we know it?
In a recent press interview the girls were optimistic about their futures: “ive always fancied trying my hand at Escort work” said Nicola, to a bemused reporter, “ I can count, and I like intimacy with strangers”
Stephen was more prosaic: "I think i'll stay in the music industry, it pays reasonably well, plus I get my wheels oiled by sexy people"
Nadine commented that "although i'm fucken' choked up at the whole shebang, I wish the geordie slut the best. I'm thinking about sortin' things oit in Afghanistan. They need someone to take control of it. It's a fucken' oiytrage"
Kimberley explained to one reporter that she intended to read more: "Playboy is all very well, but it's not doing me much good is it? I'm beginning to ponder the more philosophical questions of life. How can I do that wi'a pair of tits looking back at me? And I don't mean Nads and Nic."
[edit] Discography
- Sound Of People Under The Ground (2003)
- What Will The Neighbours Say When They Find Out That Sarah's A Dyke? (2004)
- Gynecology (2005)
- Toilet Assault - My (So Called) Hits". (2006)
- Screwed Up (2007)
- Outta Fucking Control (Nymphomania!!!!) (2008)
[edit] Singles
- Sound of People Under the Ground (2002)
- " I Am Completely Braindead And Hate Biology "( 2002 also )
- No Good, Add Lice (2003)
- Shower Got Cold (2003)
- Jump! Cheryl's A Tranny!!! (2003)
- The Showing Of The Supersymmetric String Theory: Is 26 Dimensions Too Much? (also known as The Show) (2004)
- Tap That Love Machine (2004)
- I'll Stand By You, then Drug You and Steal Your Kidneys (2004)
- Wake Me Up (After Last Night) (2005)
- Long Hot Night With A Dyke (Sarah's Song) (2005)
- Mix Our Biologies (2005)
- See The Day Sarah's Gay! (2005) - lol
- Whole Lotta History Between Nadine And Hugh Hefner (2006)
- Something Kinda... Unh! Cheryl, Go Faster! (2006)
- I Think We're Alone Now.. So Shut The Fuck Up (2006)
- Fuck This Way (with SourSlutz) (2007)
- Sex? Erm...nah!...(2007)
- Call The Cops (That Cheryl woman is at it again!)(2007)
- Can't Speak French, But I'll Fuck You Anyway(2008)
- The Virginity Promise (That I Broke When I was 12) (2008)
- The Non-Shaggable Kind (2009)
- Unfuckable (The Chlamydia Song) (2009)
