Girls

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Wheresthebeef
Girls are good for preparing a lad a fine dinner
“FUCK A BITCH.”
~ Colin Powell on Girls

Girls are fucking sex toys, and nothing more, they put their ambitions of beating humans (men) up in internet stories because they know that we'd mop the floor with them anyway. They also were created to amuse man, their fruitless emotions and incessant complaining make them ideal pets. Example: Why DIDN'T the woman cross the road? Why? Because there is no road between the kitchen and the bedroom. Woman exist only to pleasure and clean and cook, nothing more, nothing less. In more recent news, things such as "Women's rights activists" aka, fags (queens, trannies) have been gaining more and more "rights" for women over the years. Listen up women, you will NOT be respected in the workplace because of how hard you work, nor how talented you are, you must have C-D breasts and a big ass to get anywhere in life, and don't be afraid to put out to "succeed".

Preceded by such methods as fire and cold food, Girls are used in restaurants and homes around the world.

One of the major faults of girls, are their inability to be fucking sensible, and have a good sense of humor, but they do have a knack for being fucking stupid, and wasting your time by being with you, but not sucking your dick. even though they show off their tits and ass all day long with tiny clothing, they still won't give up the goods, (even though that's why god made them). They are good for other things though: cooking, cleaning, sewing, porn, taking out the garbage, taking care of future men, and thanking men for what we have done for them (everything).

While some people advocate that the place for girls is in the kitchen (where they are most useful), others suggest that keeping your girl outside cuts down on clean up and reduces the overall hassle associated with owning and maintaining a girl.

Girls were first discovered by Adam cooking apples beneath the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil . Due to their ability to radiate heat, girls were found to be useful in the kitchen and in bed. However, men became dissatisfied with the the primitive ver BETA girl 1.00 and its limited functionality. Girl 2.0 models are now created in laboratories in southern Spain. In order to accommodate their new functionality they have been designed to run on more energy-rich fuels, most notably money and credit cards.

Customer model girls used in the home are typically fueled by either charcoal or propane. Commercial girls are typically fueled by either propane or liquefied natural gas. Food cooked with propane girls tends to be less tasty, but is significantly faster to heat and prepare. As of first quarter 2005, General Electrics has introduced a new hybrid model, which is far safer for the environment. However, most users prefer the older models, as they are widely considered "sizzlin' hawt" in contrast to the newer models.

Prominent girl manufacturers include Weber and Coleman, Ford, Kikkoman, Kaiser Permanente, Panasonic, and George Foreman. Chainsaw Jack, former CEO of Sunbeam, lost his job for improperly booking sales of his girls to distribution channels.

Scientists are still trying to figure out a way to manufacture women with tighter vaginas. Although this seems to be a worthless endeavor; as they tend to mess them up anyways by plopping out disgusting and slimy abominations, that only scam the government out of social welfare checks that they don't deserve.

Internet

Since girls are inherently stupid, they fall victims of Pedo Bear and other pedos on the Internet. Because they don't have the intellectual capacity to control their actons, girls should be supervised while using the Internet, since they might become preggos.

Money

Size doesn't matter... as long as your wallet is full. Mothers teach their daughters to grow up "in order to marry a millionaire", who will then provide both for the girl and her parents.

Brothers and sisters

Girls hate brothers because they prefer having sisters. They prefer habving sisters out of biology - females are predisposed to be (secretly) bisexual or lesbian. It is very common for girlfriends and sisters to hold hands, (french) kiss and finger each other. Taking your sister's virginity with a dildo (or any similar object) is every girls' dream.

Shopping

Girls are commonly known to enjoy this heathen tradition. The modern man can be quite perplexed when faced with the sacred, female pilgrimage to the nearest mall. It is a common cause for Mysogynistic headaches, as women are infamous for paying ungodly amounts of money, in spite of most females being talented hagglers. Men are frequently tricked by the womanly wiles, and agree to join them, under the assumption that they can somewhat control the enormous economical waste. However, they will soon learn that it is completely inevitable. These misled males are cruelly treated as mere pack mules, carrying the increasingly larger stacks of shoes, clothes, jewelry, lingerie, shoes, odd groceries, babies, shoes, useless kitchen accessories, shoes, anvils, shoes, shoes and shoes ('tis said that one can never have enough shoes). At least girls and other females pay them back by cock sucking.

Very few know the secret of shoppers getting good deals on shoes. Most shoe shoppers will wear short skirts and no panties and they make sure they get a male shoe sales person. Of course the salesman has a pleasant view of the pussy and gives the girls a deep discount. This has been a very tight kept secret for many years.

Girl Speak

Because guys (and some butch girls (lesbos)) can't understand them here's a brief overview of the terminology used by females:

  • "I love you so much!"- I cannot believe you're actually my boyfriend
  • "I'm fine." - Screw you, pay attention to me or you're not getting any
  • "It's not your fault" - It is so your damn fault, you schlag
  • "Let's do it" - I'm actually a horny man after a sex change operation
  • "Leave me alone" - Seriously, come near me and i will SNAP IT [your penis] IN 2
  • "What are you thinking?" - Drop everything you're doing right this second and tell me how you're always thinking about me.
  • "I look horrible tonight" - You have three seconds to come up with a list of reasons why this outfit/hairstyle suits me perfectly-or i WILL SNAP IT IN 2 (again-so that'll be 4)
  • "Does this make my butt look big?"- tell me my butt is perfect, or you better watch your own fat ass, buddy
  • "I'll get the cheque this time" - Nice try, but you're gonna be with your right hand tonight.
  • "Don't worry, there's no need for you to buy me a present" - I expect a gift that expresses your feelings for me precisely. And a card. And it better be damn expensive or else!
  • "I need some space" - Come near me and you're never seeing me naked again
  • "We need to talk" - I'm pregnant. Wah-Wah-Wah-Waaaawaaawaaawawawa (on trombone), or I'm breaking up with you.
  • "Fine." - As of now, The conversation has ended. Talk again and I WILL SNAP IT IN 2 (that's once again your penis, making it eights).
  • "I don't want to ruin our friendship" - (The girl's version of the f - word, in other words, FUCK YOU!) You're just not hot enough for me. Can't be asked to tell you this because I like your personality and therefore want to hang around with you, and I want you to think you have a chance so you stay.
  • "5 minutes" - half an hour, possibly more. (do not attempt to wait it out on your feet. find a sofa.)
  • "Nothing" - Everything, you dick head.
  • Loud sigh* - You are an idiot. Why am I wasting my time arguing with you over 'Nothing'
  • "Go ahead" (eyebrows raised) - Just try it. (This is not permission, this is a dare. Often followed by 'fine')
  • "Go ahead" (eyebrows normal) - Whatever. (This is not permission either. The true meaning is closer to 'I give up' or 'Do what you want because I don't care.' From here on there is a high risk of raised eyebrows.)
  • "Thanks a lot" - Thanks for nothing. ('thanks a lot' is not to be confused with 'thanks'. A woman will say 'thanks a lot' when she is annoyed at you. It is usually followed by the 'loud sigh'.)
  • "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you" - (see 'I don't want to ruin our friendship')
  • "I just wish you would understand" - I am perfectly aware that you have no idea what I'm talking about. Now i will watch you squirm as you desperately try to comprehend.
  • "I can't deal with this any more" - The chances of me being wrong in this particular situation appear to be gradually increasing. I wish to halt all further proceedings to avoid a displeasing outcome.
  • "I'm just so busy right now" -I currently have many priorities that unfortunately rank higher than you.
  • "Do I look fat in this?" - We haven't had a fight in a while, and it's also been too long for me to not SNAP IT IN 2 (sixteenths this time...notice how this is progressing)
  • "Whatever" - You're a fucking dumb shit.
  • "It's alright, pizza's fine." - You're a cheap fucking dumb shit.
  • "It's alright"- It so is not alright. Not by a goddamn mile.
  • "Ohmygod." - Your stupidity amazes me at times. (this may result in a loud sigh)
  • "Oh my god, [actress/singer/attractive friend] is SO pretty." - Tell me I'm ten times as beautiful otherwise I will SNAP IT IN TWO (there are now thirty two different pieces of your penis... I feel for you, my friend)
  • "No." - No. (despite what you would like to believe, Mr. Drunken Frat Boy, no really does mean no*)
  • "You can hang out with your mates instead, I don't mind" - We both know that over the course of the next hour, my subtle mind games and ice-edged voice tones will grind your guilty conscience to mental dust. you will stay with me. we will watch this chick-flick. you will smile and enjoy it, and in the end, you will thank me. (Otherwise, there'll be 64 pieces of that dick on the ground rather than 32)
  • "I've got a headache" - Unknown to you, you did something which insulted me greatly (not that I can remember what, though), and you will be getting nothing tonight (not the previously mentioned nothing...YOU NO GET DA VAGINA TONIGHT)
  • "That's okay" - I am still deciding how and when you will pay for this mistake. enjoy the time you have left.
  • "Don't worry about it, i got it" - I have instructed you to do this job on SEVERAL occasions, and yet it remains undone. i will do it myself, whilst simultaneously glaring, tutting, and rolling my eyes. (from which point the normally innocent question; 'what's wrong?' is fatal. do NOT ask, no matter how much she prompts you.)
  • "I'm a Girl, i can do everything-meaning that they can do pretty much an infinite number of things, which is a lie-"Just because you can't multi-task."
  • "Lets do something fun."- I wanna watch you suffer, bitch! Hahaha!
  • *Tears* "I F*****G HATE YOU!"- you did something wrong and now you must get away from me in three seconds or you are a dead man walking with 128 pieces of a previously whole penis!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH
  • "I think we should just be friends for now" - I'm not gonna go out with you, you're a fugly loser with no friends, money, or talent.
  • "i think we should do it all night long... with more girls!!!" - I am an alien from a strange planet masquerading as a human woman for research purposes.
  • "... Woman's intuition" - Like hell I know what I'm talking about
  • "I love you." - LOL! I CANT BELIEVE HE ACTUALLY BELIEVED THAT! What a boner. OR You better say it back, or I will tear your penis off.
  • "You have got to be joking"- she is not impressed by the $45,000 car you have just bought to show off to your boys. She won't be speaking to you for the next 48 hours, i suggest you go back home for the next week and show up in a different car
  • "I like you a lot... BUT"- Rest in peace, [Insert name here]. Poor bastard never had a chance. Should have ran once he heard "BUT"
  • "OH MY GOD I HAD THE BEST TIME WITH [insert guy's name here]"- be worried, be very worried, unless the guy is gay, and you actually know that
  • "There's someone else..." - assume she really wants to end that sentence with the phrase "...with a larger penis. Much larger. And he can dance much better than you can, plus his salary is twice as much as your pathetic income. Now get the fuck out.
  • "My guy friends are sneaking over tonight, but I wont cheat."- this means hey, you have a small penis and I'm not to impressed with the way you've been doing things around here. so i invited these guys to fuck me and there ain't shit you can do to stop me you whipped little pussy
  • "He's sooooo cute" - He's a puss , let's tease him ; afterall this is a chance you get once in life.
  • "You're like a brother to me." - I'm more sexually attracted to that pile of dog shit over there than I am to you.

One more thing, girls are unpredictable, so they may actually mean what they say, so don't say any of these out loud, otherwise that might actually be what happens... never take anything at face value. If you respond incorrectly, you'll have about .2 seconds to protect your crotch and run like hell.

Boys that turn into Girls

This is a rather rare problem that reportedly has been only 1 case witnessed so far. The only case known used to be a decent all round male until he began to 'blossom' around 15 years old he began to show symptoms of the problem, first of all it began with a mild campness in his personality and a fairly high pitched voice, this then evolved into the ability to scream like a girl. The next stage is quite a strong personality change where he believes that Lord Of The Rings is boring and thinks that gay chick flicks are much better, he now quotes the film 'Mean Girls' ALL THE TIME and giggles like a 10 year old girl and bitches and gossips more than the average girl bitch. The stage after that begins to change his physical body such as giving him a rather feminine body structure and camp/girly posture and actions and also the lack of muscularity apart from in the arms which is believed to be the last part of masculinity other than the penis. He is still under examination for further results about this problem but it is believed that the previous stage may evolve into the loss of the penis and growth of a vagina. There is a rumoured cure that is yet to be tested which consists of locking the patient in a room with only manly like food and action movies on loop for them to watch, hopefully once this is tested it will show positive results but no further information has been found as of yet. But feel free to take it upon your self to test the theory out if you come across this problem in a person you know and put the results in this article. For added banning, be sure to post their name and personal details.

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