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“I am simultaneously amused and aroused by them.”
Ginger is the medical term for a "person" affected by the bizarre disfiguring disease known as Gingervitus. Ghoulish symptoms include hair color ranging from an eerie light copper-tone to deep blood red, as well as a translucent to pallid skin tone. Much adversity has been attributed to gingers' existence throughout history, and while female gingers can be considered attractive, most males of the ginger persuasion seem to resemble animated clowns. (see fig 1.A)
Origin and History
It is thought that the gingers, like other damn dirty apes, originated in Africa. For reasons still unknown, they gradually migrated Northwest, and by circa 3600BC had reached what is now modern-day Scotland. Unfortunately, due to recurrent internal strife, Scottish society was unable to put up any significant resistance to the Ginginvaders. As a result, the Gingers quickly overwhelmed the ethnic Scottish, and Scotland has ever since been dominated by the Reds.
Since the mid-1970's the steadily increasing number of Ginger immigrants to England has prompted increasingly violent ethnic tension. In recent years, this backlash has occasionally erupted into acts of terrorism and violence aimed at killing or expelling as many Gingers from Great Britain as possible. In the words of at least one widely-respected world leader, the ultimate goal is to "wipe them off the map" and "drive them into the sea" (Ahamadinejad, 2008). Interestingly, social backlash in Briton appears greatest in Irish and Muslim communities. Some DNA experts correctly speculate that such peoples are naturally prone to intolerance and terrorism due to their generally lower intelligence compared to ethnically-British people (Watson, 2009.)
Luckily, Gingers will cease to exist by the year 2029. By that time, the whole of England will have finally recognized that the threat posed by Gingers, just like bird flu, AIDS sufferers, and other "bloody undesirables" needs to be isolated, quarantined, and exterminated. Amen.
Gingers have no soul; This is the underlining cause of their Gingerness. Being tools of the devil, they are marked with the colour of their master (ie: red). However, not all gingers may show as being obviously Ginger. The elusive half-Ginger is produced by the breeding of a Normal with a Ginger, producing offspring who may or may not show the Ginger hair but are most certainly Ginger, right down to their soulless core. Theologists have theorised that gingers were an attempt by god to rid the world of smurfs. The ginger is the perfect anti - smurf being diametrically opposed to them (they're red). Gingers have been subject to discrimination for many years based on their appearance, and due to their absence of a soul. This soullessness has lead brunettes to believe that Gingers therefore lack emotion and dignity. This doctrine eventually led to the formation of Brown Supremacist groups which promote the "superiority" of brown-haired people.
Ginger kids are just like you or me. Scientists have dissected many ginger kids (currently they are exempt from normal animal experimentation restrictions), and were surprised to discover how closely they resembled normal humans. In fact, they are identical to us in every way except one. Ginger kids have no soul. They are nothing more than empty shells and their only purpose is to annoy/wipe out humans.
Common characteristics of the household Ginger are blue eyes and an abnormal amount of facial freckles. This is why children are attracted to Gingers: they believe they are playing join-the-dots games. They're also well known for the fact that they cannot stand sunlight. A ginger exposed to direct sunlight can expect to last 5 minutes at most before cumbling into a toxic orange dust. If the day is overcast, 6 minutes, tops. This has lead to the popular saying, "A ginger kid's chance on the beach."
Gingers are fun loving creatures, who especially like baby carrots and goldfish. If you feed a ginger a baby carrot, or a goldfish it will befriend you for life. Gingers are very territorial and will protect their cocoons with their lives. While seeming cute, Ginger children are devout Satanists....never, ever, trust them. Posters of Beelzebub abound on their walls and they have been known to collect the autographs of Satan, Cthulhu and other assorted dark entities (including Demi-Moore).
Gingers have been know to gain superhuman abilities when merging their orange life force with other Gingers. This has led to the the development of Ginger Fission. The Ginger screech is when two or more gingers combine in a screech destroying all windows and eardrums within 23 metres or 2.123 magnetons. Ginger hair also has special abilities, if you pluck one form a Ginger baby, the hair will ignite like a match. Obviously, it goes without saying that a normal person attempting to approach a ginger baby in this way runs the risk of spontaneous human combustion and under no circumstances should this ever be attempted without appropriate flame-retardent clothing.
Recently there has been a "GingerxCore" movement, encouraging young Rangers to accept themselves for who they are, then bitch about it. Likened to the emo movement, it is equally despicable, and usually features ginger youth with too much eyeliner taking oddly angled photographs of themselves in their bathroom mirrors and writing bad poetry.(see fig 1.B)
Even though this ginger-power movement has been established, there are still the select few who are still (quite rightly) ashamed of their gingervitis. They will often dye their hair in an effort to fit in with normal humans in order to get close enough to suck their souls. Numerous normals across all parts of the globe have been reported missing, with witnesses claiming the last place they were seen was entering the lair of a Ginger. When trapped by law enforcement agencies, gingers typically deny all knowledge of these mysterious disappearances.
Types and Classification
Half-breeds / Dhampirs
Those with auburn hair, or with one normal parent and one ginger parent. This is rare, as most normal humans are repulsed by the ginger's appearance (though hypnotized by the firecrotch; see below for a description.)
As the title implies, reds who dye their hair to hide who they truly are. Said to be the redhead counterparts to self-hating black man Michael Jackson, they often emulate him by attempting to give their skin a new ("tan") color with creams.
North American Ginger
The North American Ginger is usually found in the United States of America. Along with Gingervitis, problems of obesity, diabetes, stupidity, impotence and excessive lying are prone to the Ginger species that reside in America. They are a foul bunch of fuckers with little to expect and little to hope for. Darwin once stated "$crew Gingers". He is the father of evolution, and would he be wrong?
A very infamous type of ginger: they gained great influence in United Kingdom over the centuries by intense brainwashes, so much many people of these countries considers them as "normal" human beings. They even got their own armed Terrorist groups: the Scottish Skirt-Sporting League of Ginger Heads (SSLGH) and the Irish Jig-Addicted Red-Haired Leprechauns (IJRL).
As their name implies, Day Walkers are Gingers that have mutated skin that is able to handle direct sunlight. Apart from their non aversion to sunlight, Day Walkers are still very dangerous and are the number one killers of FUN.
So what about the habitat of these Gingers? Gingers grow in underground cities, sewers, Atlantis, and trees, but some have managed to work their way into normal society, gradually building up a slight resistance to sunlight and weaning themselves from an all-blood diet. A few redheads live amongst us. The ones that appear during the day are usually in a hurry (clearly to escape into their cave or other dark place to hole up in).
Well, it is common knowledge that these Redheads are mainly nocturnal creatures (for the blondes that are reading this- nocturnal means only come out at night like owls) and can be found living in underground areas. Another good place to search is the hairdresser's; because of the amazing amount of hair dye these people need to survive. They can sometimes be hiding amongst the emo population, which is almost as unpopular as the Gingers. They appear often with dyed black hair, as black is the only dye that actually covers ginger. It is commonly known that Gingerism can lead to suicidal tendencies; which is another reason why they fit amongst the emos of the world so well.
Ginger clam singer and dancer, Reba Malkowitz better known by her stage name Ruby Red (photo)said her copper hair turned Crayola crayon red and has decided to just live with it. She says, yes the drapes match the carpet. Audiences throughout Scandavian countries have enjoyed looking at her very bushy crop of fucia red pubes during her naked contorionist dancing routine.
What to do if you find a Ginger
The most important thing to remember: DO NOT TOUCH IT. If it touches you at any point it WILL consume your soul. If for any reason you cannot escape touching a Ginger, Listerine is the only known preventative for contracting Gingervitis so remember to carry a small bottle at all times. Also, remember to watch out for the long, sharp claws of the Ginger. With such tools they can latch on to you. If so, call the relevant authorities and have it removed. If after the meeting you start to feel hatred of small animals and there is a reddish tinge in your hair, you have breathed in "Ginger Spores", and you will in fact become a Ginger in the next 35 hours. The Ginger Spores travel into your heart, where Gingervitis is realised as the disease begins to slowly sucks your soul out, leaving a giant Ginger hole. If this happens, please attempt suicide at the next convenient moment. Understand that a ginger will never admit to its disease, they will only say they have strawberry-blonde hair.
Gingers and Breeding
Gingers often use their radiant hair, large breasts, and fertile genitals to lure innocent brown-haired victims: Indians, Asians, Africans, Germans, Chinese, Haitians, Etc. Mexicans, however, can turn the tables on the ginger by offering up shots of tequila, which render even the most flaming of gingers merely whiny and annoying.
Due to their nature, a true ginger will always grow red pubic hair, also known as "the firecrotch." This is how the lay-person can detect a pure-bred fanta-pants from a bottle-bred wannabe. The power of the ginger lies in the colorful adornment around their sexual organs. Most are hypnotized by its power, and are helpless against its attraction. While it is safe to poke with a stick or broken piece of wire, it is not safe to engage in the act of coitus without serious repercussion, usually in the form of addiction and attraction to gingers from that point forward. This is their primary weapon.
Almost all gingers have the power to shape shift as some days they can appear ginger and the next they can be seen as strawberry blond. Also gingers have the power of mind control insisting that they can do whatever they want as they are ginger, many have used this to infiltrate society through the media examples include Ed Sheeran and Rupert Grint. Gingers often steal other (non gingers) souls to replace theirs. This is because gingers gradually lose their souls as their hair grows longer. As this process continues they become paler and more sensitive to sunlight. If a soul is not found soon, they will fade to nothingness and become known as ginger-wraiths, these are harmless and they tend to shy away from society, much like actual gingers. Many higher breeds of gingers have been working on summoning fire from their hair, only a few have attained this skill.