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I think i'm a Dr Professor Sir Lordess Madame Gillian McKeith Lemon (born 1959) is a Scottish nutritionist, television presenter, and writer. She is the leading nutritionist and poo expert in Britain, and is very well known for eating peoples poo samples. She is also known to stalk Carole from Big Brother 8 (you know the fat bisexual) and Michelle McManus for their poo, and even sticks bananas up their bums for their poo samples. She is well known because she keeps saying so, and no one denies it for very long because she can afford good lawyers. There is not much known about the origins of Dr McKeith except that it is rumoured she is the immortal love child of Gollum and Galadriel from Lord of the Rings. How these two fictional characters from J R Tolkein's classic got it on is not clear, but the evidence of such a union has managed to manifest itself in the form of Dr McKeith, and it may also explain her slightly worrying obsession with poo.
Gillian McKeith has a PhD from the highly successful American University of Making Things Up (accredited by the American National Association of Made Up Things) where she developed her commitment to poo above all else except money. somewhere Her books You Are What Drivel You Swallow and The You Are What Drivel Cookbook sell in large numbers, which has led to one respected medically qualified nutritionist commenting: "boo hoo hoo, it's so unfair".
McKeith is also the presenter of the Channel 4 TV show You Are What You Eat. It is reported that she herself eats greedy, devious old harridans.
Gillian McKeith is a graduate of the University of Edinburgh where she obtained an honours degree in knitting and fainting theatrically whilst trying to get attention. She later obtained her 'qualifications' in nutrition after realising, in her own words, that "there's one born every minute". She went on to buy dietary acreditation over the internet that a dead cat belonging to gaurdian science supremo bought for 30 pound sterling (60 Us dollars at that time. On her recent appearance on 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here?' she managed to smuggle a variety of poisonous substances in her knickers.
After a brief stint playing Skeletor in the West End, McKeith moved to the USA where she worked in marketing before discovering her true vocation in fad nutrition where there are fantastic opportunities for someone who can talk about poo with a straight face. She quickly discovered that food fashion was suited to her highly 'original', 'talented', remarkably commercial kind of 'imagination' and has not only prospered, but claims to have become immensely more beautiful as a result.
edit The move to television
While trying out an experimental "natural recycling" diet, Gillian McKeith was found in a bin several years ago, and was approached by Channel 4 offering her a series in return for a contract for her soul. Unfortunately, they later found that she has no soul. Since this embarrassing mishap, she has been allowed to continue in the media industry. Although she is not actually barking mad so much as criminally insane, she continues to be accused of having an unusual fetish for poo, which she has vehemently denied on her popular TV shows The Excrement Files, Manure Matters, and Shit Today.
She has since branched out. According to Wikipedia:
- Gillian appeared on The X Factor: Battle of the Stars in May 2006, and was the second act voted off. After she sang Etta James' "I just wanna make love to you", Sharon Osbourne said that her performance resembled "Salmonella"
This unpleasant observation earned Mrs Osbourne a sharp rebuke from the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Nasty Bugs.
edit Impossible Food
Dr Gillian is a follower of the impossible food doctrine, much beloved of celebrity chefs, quack nutiritonists and many TV personalities. This doctrine demands that we all cook extremely complicated meals whose main ingredients are extremely expensive weird food that no-one can actually buy in their local shop anyway. This is of course one highly effective way of losing weight.
Having been born with no sense of taste or compassion, McKeith forces the impossible food doctrine on her victims, often pointing out how disgusting they are for drinking anything other than broccoli water and eating anything other than lentils and bracken. Because the concept of flavour is an alien one to her, she finds it easy to adhere to this diet- particularly when doing it on behalf of someone else.
For instance Dr Gillian boasts of keeping her two children happy with aduki bean burgers, because they hate sweets and McDonalds. Sightings have been made of the two girls escaping their cages and fleeing their evil buck tooth mother. They were later found being worn by Madonna as part of a nice fur coat for unadopted non-son to rest his hefty Kabbalah bracelet on.
With a little imagination it is of course perfectly easy to have a healthy diet containging at least five portions of fruit and vegetables per day without too much effort.
edit You are what you eat
Famously Dr McKeith wrote the "You are what you eat" cookbook. this is full of recipes for strange dishes made from complicated, fussy and obscure ingredients....you are what you eat, Gill.
The "You are what you eat" food has taken to shelves of unsupermarkets and all shit healthfood shops. Foods are promised to contain "No flavour and no taste". Ingredients of the cardboard cereal bar include diuretics and laxatives to ensure weight loss is effective. If you're lucky you'll get a pinch of speed. Gillian reccomends at least 5 portions of ADHD tablets a day. She is often seen stealing children off the street in order to take them to the doctors for fake prescriptions of OxyContin and Ritalin. Gillian got her magician's doctorate in order to entertain children to lure them in and turn fat people into rabbits.
She is often on the worst dressed list for turning up in her stage costume of gold pvc catsuits. She cuts the label out so no one knows she is a size 16 and always stands next to obese people to make herself look thin. She actually wants to shove their shit down their necks because rabbits eat their own faeces.
It was while filming this series that she encountered a hungry John Prescott attempting to devour the cloverfield monster. however she managed to scare the behemoth off with her diet plan and has now adopted the traumatised clover as her new sex toy.
edit Scientific views
Gillian McKeith believes that eating chlorophyll releases oxygen into your gut. There are many problems with this idea: 1. There is no light there, Chlorophyll only photosynphisises in the presence of light. 2. We dont have gills in our stomach so actually all this would mean if we could turn a light on in our stomach was oxygen would randomly float aroung doing nout. 3. Oxygen and methane (common in the gut) are highly explosive when mixed.
She also believes in neutralising the acidity of the digestive tract, If the pH of the stomach was somehow changed to 7 pH, this would mean that pepsin would no longer act in the stomach and a key area for the destruction pathogens would be come very hospitable and soon septic. Meaning the person would DIE of either stomach infection of malnutrition due to a lack of protein (pepsin breaks down protein so it can pass into the blood stream).
Gillian is the only person known to medical science to have been born with her knee caps in her face. Throughout her professional years she has sought the highest medical attention to help remedy her facial disfigurement. According to the latest studies conducted Gillian's face deformity started in early life, what follows is an exert from the medical journal "Exploring a face from the abyss" from renown Doctors, Jake O'Brien Murphy and Natalie Woods "From all of our exploratory surgery on the patient we can deduce that the knee caps residing in the face is not of natural causes... All evidence points towards the fact that as a young child McKeith was trapped in a magical cupboard for several days, eating her own fecal matter. It would seem that the inside of said cupboard was transcendental from time and space and contorted the young McKeith's face in ways that medical science can never rectify." When interview about her experience in the cupboard McKeith let out a blood curdling howl and climbed the walls backwards, began talking in a forgoten language and shit against the walls.
edit I'm (not a very big) Celebrity Get Me (The Fuck) out of here
Late 2010 Gillian McKeith applied to go on popular TV show 'I'm a Celeb....' here she discovered she had phobias of everything (without exaggeration). She is - to date - the Only celebrity to die on-screen. Her appearance on the show has caused a media frenzy, after she was found with a selection of poisonous brew, which she had earlier made in a cauldron before appearing on the show. Mistress Gillian then gave in her brew, which, after careful analysis by many profound doctors, did not register to be any earth substance, and is theorised to be made of black magic.