Giant Space Beetles

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Giant Space Beetles
An Artist's (Very Bad) Idea of what a Giant Space Beetle could look like.
“You cannot buy a... OH GOD HELP ME.”
~ Oscar Wilde on meeting a Giant Space Beetle

Giant Space Beetles are beetles which have have mental capicities which rival the abilities of Humans. However, they do not live in space. Giant Space Beetles have a long, proud and varied history. Of which, they only are barely aware of, due to their recent ascension to sentience. Their ability to withstand nuclear explosions makes them one of the most hardy warriors ever to exist. Furthermore, their size allows them to carry large weapons upon their backs, which due to a recent advancement in human artificial limb technology allows them to control, aim and fire their large weapons with their mind. Many times in battle, Giant Space Beetles have been confused for Japanese fighting robots, hence their national anthem, of Mr. Roboto.

edit Early History

Giant Space Beetles were the product of Soviet experiments during the Cold War involving Human Growth Hormones. During these experiments interns in the Soviet Medical Labrortories spilled HGHs on the floor, at which roaches would approach, and drink the hormones. These hormones caused the roaches to grow to immense proportions. These roaches were than shown to Soviet Red Army commanders, who then put them to work in the Afghan War as transports. Resourceful Soviet infantry rigged the creatures, now known as Giant Space Beetles, with crew served weaponry, and used them to provide cover against RPG-7 attacks by Afghan Rebels. During the last days of the war, as Soviet troops began pulling out of Afghanistan, Rebels attacked the base at which the Giant Space Beetles were being held. The Rebels, having no use for them, gave them to their friends at CIA. The beetles were then put into cold storage at Wright-Patterson AFB after being brought to the US.

edit Rise of Awareness

Soon after the events of September 11, 2001, the Giant Space Beetles were thawed, and given a major upgrade. Artificial Limb technology not yet approved by the FDA, was tested in the Giant Space Beetles, by attaching 30 mm chain guns and TOW missiles. To do this, connections had to be made between the Brain and the weapons. After the surgery, laptops were attached to the weapons to test the connections. The Warrant Officers incharge of the testing were surprised by what happened. Word Documents appeared on the desktop. Lawsuits. The Giant Space Beetles were suing for being frozen for more than two decades.

edit Fight For Freedom

Soon after the discovery of the hidden Lawsuit, tests were performed on the Giant Space Beetles to see if they were, in fact, self-aware, the results were conclusive. Giant Space Beetles knew that they were being treated improperly. To appease the Giant Space Beetles, they were allowed to carry the military rank of Captain, in exchange for free HDTV and never being frozen again. Long story short, the Beetles accepted. After the agreement, the Giant Space Beetles were sent to Iraq disguised as M1A2 Abrams Tanks.

edit Important Events

Giant Space Beetles have been involved with several important events during their time in the US Cavalry. Listed below are brief descriptions of classified operations performed by the Giant Space Beetles.

edit Iraqi Operations

Believe it or not, but these are actually Giant Space Beetles disguised as Tanks.

Giant Space Beetles sent to Iraq were disguised as M1A2 tanks. During Iraq, Giant Space Beetles did almost nothing except drive around and get drunk in front of the Iraqi people. Soon, military leaders became annoyed, due to the massive destruction caused by the legendary partying. This insulted the Giant Space Beetles, and they soon protested. As a result, the Giant Space Beetles were forced to train. This only annoyed the Giant Space Beetles more. The Beetles were then sent back to Wright-Patterson AFB, where they stayed put watching HDTV.

edit Hurricane Katrina

Other fun things found at Wright-Patterson AFB.

On or about August 23, 2005, the Giant Space Beetles were ordered by their human superiors to to take aloft in Secret USAF UFOs. These UFOs were German in origin, and have the ability to manipulate weather patterns. During their flight the Giant Space Beetles were ordered to fly over the Bahamas, where NORAD activated their weather manipuation technology to create Hurricane Katrina.

edit Current History

After this incident, Military leadership decided that Giant Space Beetles were a security risk. As a result, all Giant Space Beetles were given a short notice honorable discharge. Now unemployed, The Giant Space Beetles needed jobs to pay for cable on their HDTVs. This resulted in the Giant Space Beetles becoming mercenaries. Notable jobs of the Giant Space Beetles are as follows: UN peacekeeping troops in the Middle East, Various fights involving Stoner High School, and several pranks on North Korean Govenment officials. Thus proving their record as one of the greatest fighting units ever to grace the earth.

edit See Also

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