Genghis Khan
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- For other meanings see Khan (disambiguation)
“I came, I saw, I fucked”
~ Genghis Khan on Mongol Invasion
“KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN!!!!!”
~ James T. Kirk on Genghis Khan
“Moskau, Moskau. Deine Seele ist so groß. Nachts da ist der Teufel los. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, hey!”
~ Genghis Khan on Moscow after drinking two bottles of vodka
“Geng... Is that you?”
~ Shao Kahn on meeting his long time lost brother
“Goddam Mongorians twying to bweak down my shitty waw!”
~ China on Mongolians
“John, if you can't pronounce my name correctly, just shut the fuck up.”
~ Genghis Khan on John F. Kerry's pronunciation at his U.S. Senate audition in 1971
Genghis Abignale Gothenburg Horatio Hornblower Gambolputty de von Auchfern Schplen Spliten Uberamengauben mit Kikkenklaacken Schoenenheim von Gummipuppen of Ulm, known in Germany as Dschinghis Khan, also called Kangaskhan by his beer buddies,[1] was a part time swede and the muse of Devo, but was mainly a legendary war-chief of Mongol horde that tickled(raped), gave gold, frankincense and myrrh(pillaged) and small gifts(looted) to the ancient China persons, middle-east and american mid-west during the 13th century. He created lot of fear from his victims but inspired many to do great deeds. Unfortunately, he was later killed by feudal serfs when he bragged that he was the greatest man on earth...this slut did not know that feudal serfs are always the best.
Mr. Khan is mainly known as one of the few prominent Asian guys in history prone to domestic violence. Another being Attila, technically a Eurasian.
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[edit] Early life and childhood
Born in Vietnam on August 39, 1987, he was born to a Mongol father and a half-Swedish, half-Russian, half-half-and-half mother, Khan was raised in East Brunswick, New Jersey, USA in order for his parents to save money on car insurance. For his childlike prank, his parents beat him with rubber chickens dipped in human feces.
After his high school graduation, Khan went on a Rotary Club exchange program to Mongolia, where, as he said in his 2001 autobiography, Müün Wü ("My Way"), "I felt more at home than ever before. Here were people who wrote vertically and rode yaks. Damn, those yaks. I thought my predilection for riding yaks was something strange and foreign, something to be scoffed at, but here it was accepted and even welcomed." However, it is recorded in the holy Scrolls of the "Ghengis Khan Diaries", that he was molsted by two men at the back of the Kenny Rodgers Chicken resturant. He thought he had found love but what he really found was that Kenny's secret recipe was an aphrodiasic for men to boy relations. This left him wondering if there was anybody out their for him. In short he grew a pair of balls and became king shit of the fucking mountain.
After graduating summa cum mercilessly from the University of Florida, he returned to Saigon, Vietnam to retrieve his clothes. When the communists took over Saigon, he fled to Mongolia and became the The Great Lord of All Mongols, as well as President of France. Genghis's political efforts were a spectacular success, which proves that Mongols can do anything and don't have to be stereotyped or locked up in special homes, except on Saturday nights. One of his Generals, Stephen Hawking, was half man, half wheelchair. He was said to have to the strength of a thousand small children. He was also a member of the Transformers but was asked to leave on account of his drinking problem.
Genghis became Khan following the defeat of the previous Khan; Kublai Abignale Gothenburg Horatio Hornblower Gambolputty de von Auchfern Schplen Spliten Khan, the builder of the stately Thunderdome of Xanadu, and cousin to elusive and well-oiled British dynamo, Zubair Khan. Uniting all the Khans, Genghis became Kha-Khan, or King of Kings, within five years of his first on-screen kiss attempt. He refused the title Kha-Kha-Khan just four months later, preferring the title Chaka Khan.
Khan was welcomed as leader of the Mongolians, although some continued to spell his name "Genghis Khan" -- perhaps because of confusion with that other legendary figure.
Making fun of Genghis Khan is punishable by death and is the reason behind the execution of famous American comedian John Wayne.
Nostradamus predicted that Khan will cease to exist on February 29, 2008, when he meets his antimatter evil twin in a bar in rural Montana while on a roadtrip intended to cure executive burnout.
[edit] Politics
Genghis Khan was a socialist. He was out in these countries for decades, building schools, building roads, building infrastructure, building day care facilities, building health care facilities, and the people are extremely grateful. [2] Consequently, "Further to the right of Genghis Khan", when said to a conservative, is an insult suggesting that he is a girly man moderate. Genghis was later known as what we call a fascist.
Genghis Khan preforms at the Hollywood Gala Statue.
In his short tenure as Grand Poobah of the Mongolians, he led the nation in production of sweet, sweet yak cheese. He also led the nation to battle against Russia, Japan, Oregon, Maine, Africa, and the Mall of America, conquering three times Earth's land surface for Mongolia. Mongolia retains much of this conquered territory at the time of this writing (June 2005). In recognition of his achievements and liberal approach to human rights, he was named an honourary Irishman.
As of today, his current goal is to conquer the web portal knowen as mySpace. He has found this group of prosti-tots and weak emo kids as an easy target to prey on. Drawing back from his days of being molosted behind the Kenny Rogers resturant, he enrolled his son as one of the most prominent cadets in the Kenny Rogers Chicken Acedemy (KRCA) in located in southern Vietnam. Since then he spends his time concentrating his efforts of domination of youtube, as they say in mongolia wat goes to youtube must be porn.
[edit] Khantroversy
[edit] Illigitimate children
Last spring, On the Maury show,he has been accused of fathering up to 752 children, including the elusive and well oiled British dynamo Zubair Khan, in a segment called "are you my babies daddy?". In the usual fashion, the mother would accuse him of not supporting his child. In such a manner he would respond by saying that the babies testicle size did not match up with their mighty fathers, thus he possibly couldnt have fathered the child. However, when the DNA test results came, he indeed was the father of every single child on that show. He would normally start screaming and say the usuall catch phrase "she should have kept her legs shut" or "She got me drunk". He is the only recurring guest on the Maury show aside from Maury himself.
[edit] Alien abduction
In early March 1996, Khan was abducted by space aliens, conveyed to NASA headquarters, and launched into space on the HMSS Botany Bay, where he performed many miraculous acts of botany. After this harrowing experience, Khan escaped to Earth and became a leading scientist at the same NASA that had kidnapped him in the first place. Khan was one of the scientists who helped to determine that George W. Bush is the Densest Object in the Known Universe. He was then locked up in a sanitarium for having the world's only known contagious case of Stockholm Syndrome. Even from his sanitarium Khan has - together with the same French guy that invented the Ultra Christ - made various avant-garde music, which religious fanatics still see as a dreadfull invention used too often in modern-day wars, for example IRaq.
[edit] Reincarnation
In October 1999, the computer game "Age of Empires" was created by a team of squirrely techno-geek blokes. In it, Genghis Khan was recreated not only in one of the Campaigns, but also in the Scenario Builder. In the campaign, Genghis Khan unites the Mongols, annihilates the enemy tribes, invades and pillages China, and conquers all of Europe. Unlike Genghis Khan's actual rampage across the world, in this game nerds could kill him by pressing "Delete", send him on a suicide mission, or create imaginary scenarios featuring hordes of horse archers by the name of "Genghis Khan".
Genghis Khan's spirit also returned to the 2005 Australian Open chess tournament, where chess Grandmaster Edvins Kengis was nicknamed "Kengis Can" in one of the tournament bulletins. There was much more blood spilt on the chessboard that day.
The latest rumour is that Genghis Khan is currently on another computer game, "RuneScape". However, he is yet to be found by humans - only the game's monsters.
[edit] Perceptions
Genghis Khan's ctribution to world history is comparable to that of an badger traveling at Mach 3, hitting the face of an unsuspecting democrat.
Current study by the university of Älvdale has suggested that the impact is closer to badger hitting the face of an unsuspecting republican, but as of this day (26/04/2006) it is not yet recognised by the academic community of the galaxy.
[edit] Immortalized by the Poles
A Polish man was walking through the woods and finds a lamp. Having heard all these jokes, he recognized it for what it was and rubbed it. The genie popped out and told the Polish guy he could have 3 wishes.
"Fine," says the Polish man. "I want Genghis Khan to come ravage my country and destroy everything."
The genie gives him a weird look and asks, "Are you sure about that?", but the Polish man just nods. So the genie snaps his fingers, and Genghis Khan and the Mongol hordes come rushing into Poland, driving everything before them and destroying it. Once done, they head back east.
With the smoldering ruins of his country around him, the Polish man says, "Do it again." and sure enough, Genghis Khan and his hordes come rushing into Poland, killing and destroying everything in sight. As soon as they're done, they head back east.
Once again, in the ruins of his country, the Polish man says, "Do it again," and as wished, Genghis Khan and company destroy Poland for the third time.
So the years pass and finally the genie meets the Pole again and asks, "Why?"
The Polish man says, "They had to go through Russia six times to do it."
[edit] Immortalized by the Japanese
Oh, I almost forgot, that little Island off of Korean Peninsula. See, they kinda worshipped them too. So revered is he that there is a food named after him in which the customer can make a hotpot with the store owner. However, by the virtue of Darwinism, such food has gone almost extinct because the eaten store owners don't get to pass their genes on.
[edit] Trivia
- Genghis has shagged so many women that most of the world is related to him, beat that keidis!
- Nobody knows who were the parents of Genghis Kahn, most recent theory by Adolphonso Detremus, the lord arch dean master of the university of Ouagadougou states that he was a bastard child of Margaret Thatcher and Joseph Stalin, this theory is based on the visions that LADM Detremus had while smoking a brick sized chunk of crack laced with finest afghan heroin, so it must be considered extremely accurate, probable and truthful.
- A study by Bruce Dickinson has suggested that Ghenghis had invented a cure to the cancer, but because Genghis wrote his cure on a piece of scrap paper that was later used by Chairman Mao to blow his nose, the scientists of this day aren't aout of a job just yet. Ja chce genghis kahn.
- Genghis Khan is an anagram of Khan Genghis.
- Genghis Khan married a green japanese oak cat.
- They named Khanada after him.
[edit] References
- ↑ Known unaffectionately as Genghis Khan't to his disappointed concubines.
- ↑ Seattle 3.1415926: Genghis Khan's legacy
