From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
"I wasted my days climbing water spouts, while Anansi founded a nation." - Itsy-Bitsy Spider
|Motto: We are always hungry and never full|
|Official languages||English, Akan, Dagaare/Wale, Dagbane, Dangme, Ewe, Ga, Gonja, Kasem and Nzema.|
|El Presidente||Michael Essien, Enoch Boatang|
|National Heroes||Kofi Annan, Kofi Wayo MP Amoateng, Tony Yeboah|
|Population||23,456,789 (Very Rough Estimate)|
Ghana is an isolationist nation in Africa.
Ghana was founded in 6603 BCE by Anansi, a spider with the ability to speak to God. The area had been uninhabitable for many years, and when the spider went to God to request a nation, God told the spider that he would award him a nation if he could capture three evil creatures that were plagueing the land and killing all who entered: Onini the python, Mmboro the hornets, and Osebo the leopard. Anansi went to Onini and told him that others were saying Onini was tiny and limp, while the pythons in Eritrea were much longer, stronger, and able on wheels! to please lady-pythons. When Onini heard this, he told Anansi that was impossible and extended himself fully for Anansi to measure. Anansi was then able to tie him to a branch and take him to God. Anansi then dug a hole and covered it. When Osebo came by, he fell into it. Anansi tied part of a rope to a branch that he bent down and offered the other end to Osebo. When Osebo grabbed it, Anansi let go and the branch snapped back, flinging Osebo up to heaven. He then went to Mmboro and informed him that God saw him stinging unstingables and wanted him to go and appologize, so he did and when God had all the evil creatures he crushed them, picked out the evil, and threw the pieces which became people back down to the land and awarded Anansi with a nation.
To legitimize his rule, he sent Anansi down to Ghana on a Golden Toadstool. The people that didn't die from the impact of being hurled from heaven became Anansi's subjects and lived happily for many years as the Ashanti (a bastardized pronunciation of Anansi). Over time however, outsiders began to realize that the evil creatures were gone and krept into Anansi's territory. At first, they were welcomed, but soon they developed ambitions to colonize Ashanti. Anansi formed an army and his top general, Kwame Nkrumah led the attack against the invaders. When the enemy discovered that the nation was ruled by a spider on a Golden Toadstool, killing Anansi and stealing the Golden Toadstool became their top priority. Nkrumah knew this and vowed not to let any foreigners ever take them and hid the Golden Toadstool and Anansi where no one could find them.
Unfortunately, he hid them so well that he himself was unable to locate them. While Nkrumah searched for the toadstool to no avail, his lieutenant, the deadly vixen Yaa Asantewaa, also known as the "Queen Mother" single-handedly defeated the invaders using weapons given to her family by Anansi as part of her dowry. Because the Golden Toadstool with Anansi could not be located, Nkrumah declared himself to be the ruler and called renamed the nation Ghana (a bastardized pronunciation of Nkrumah. Ghanaians never were good with names). In order to prevent future invasions, Yaa Asantewaa used what she learned from Anansi to create a special web along the borders of the nation, known as the Dubois W.E.B. Only those who can create it can destroy it. This is why Ethiopians have never been able to invade Ghana to find out how Anansi went to God; They simply can't get in.
Nkrumah tried to create order as the new ruler by encouraging education, agriculture, and industry. He succeeded in keeping the people united, and he was highly praised however, some citizens questioned what happened to Anansi and rumors spread regarding whether Anansi truly couldn't be found or whether he was being held prisoner. Because Nkrumah was never able to explain how he could have misplaced their leader, the citizens grew more and more suspicious until a riot broke out and the leader Emmanuel Kwasi Kotoka assassinated Nkrumah and imprisoned Asantewaa.
He is assumed to be the ruler to this day however, the nation became increasingly isolanist and no one has been able to travel there to confirm.
Well-endowed with natural resources, Ghana is quite wealthy however, the nation mostly sits on its rich amount of gold as an investment in the future. Although they do have their own currency, the citizens mostly favor bartering items. Ghana's exports far outweigh their imports, due to their general lack of trust of foreign nations and the DuBois W.E.B. that cuts off all land travel routes in and out of the nation.
Most of the people are subsistence farmers and live off what they grow themselves. Crops they toil over include cocoa, coconuts, shea nuts, coffee, pineapples, cashews, pepper, cassava, yams, plantains, maize, Indian Hemp, peanuts, millet, and sorghum.
Ghana is also rich in potential mineral wealth. Rich deposits of gold, diamonds, manganese ore, and bauxite dot the nation. Natural gas deposits are also a common site in the country. Other minerals found are copper, tin and lead. Ghanaian soil is also very plentiful and locals make bars out of it, wrap it up, and export it to Japan. It's extremely popular and the Japanese can't tell that it's soil and not chocolate, due to its rich texture.
Ghana's industrial base is relatively advanced compared to many other African countries, mainly because they were left alone after the War of the Golden Toadstool to develop their own nation, unlike many nations who experienced decades of meddling and sabotage from Europe. Their isolationist policies do create problems for foreign investors, the main one being that they aren't actually allowed to enter Ghana. Investors are expected to give money to sponsor a facility and in exchange, they are sent a card each month with a picture of their facility and a hand-written letter from an employee expressing gratitude and whatever other information they wish to share (usually about themselves).
The major staple in Ghana is different kind of roots. As mentioned, the Ghainaian soil tastes like chocolate, so roots dug up from underground are like healthy chocolate-covered treats. In fact, the five-second rule in Ghana actually means to wait five seconds after dropping food on the floor before picking it up, because the soil will make it taste better. You'll often see children rolling bananas in the dirt before eating them. They've also done this with their peanut pastes, which is believed to have served as the inspiration for H.B. Reese to create his famous chocolate peanut butter cups. Instead of using Ghana's delicious, healthy soil, he used chocolate in order to appeal to the American consumers who prefered to gain weight from the foods they ate in order to maintain their Culture of Obesity. The Japanese who are not adverse to health import Ghanaian soil and sell it as "Ghana chocolate".
The roots are not always eaten plain. They use them in many dishes. It is popular to mash them into a nice goo, resembling mashed potatoes, and add grated wildebeest hooves It resembles wallpaper glue when prepared properly and can actually be used as such if there are leftovers. If you are a guest in a Ghanaian home and you are offered dinner, you will always receive some sort of rice and meat. Every time. For some reason, even though rice is not locally grown, anything you order will contain rice. If you go to a restaurant and look at the menu, you will see things like chicken and rice, chicken curry and rice, goat with rice, plantain with rice, or Fufu and light soup (don't be fooled. It comes with a side of rice). And if you think you're being smart by ordering only rice, they will get the last laugh as you are served rice with a side of rice. Leading scientists believe that all this rice is mainly used to help dull the terrible taste of whatever meat is served with it; chickens neck, pigs feet, goat testicles and considered fine cuisine in Ghana.
Law & Order
The police force is said to be composed of only one child with no eyes. He claims to answer to Anansi but no one dare question him to see if he knows the whereabouts of the beloved leader. According to legend, the child appeared shortly after the death of Nkrumah to stifle the riots and restore order. No one has claimed to be the child's parent. He is believed to be Kwame Nkrumah's spirit brought back to maintain order among his people. While he has been fair and just by all accounts, he is feared by everyone.
Ghana is located on the Gulf of Guinea, only a few degrees north of the Equator. This allows for a year-round tropical climate, which subsequently allows diseases such as malaria, African sleeping sickness, and AIDS to flourish at a level far greater than that of say, Western Europe. It is roughly the size of the state of Oregon, but a little more hospitable to life. The coastline is mostly a low, sandy shore backed by plains and scrub and intersected by several rivers and streams, all of which are teeming with mosquitoes, piranha-like fishes, Jews, hippos, and reporters for National Geographic. A tropical rain forest belt, broken by heavily forested hills and many streams and rivers extending northward from the shore, it is home to man-eating leopards, large elephants, Jews and more mosquitoes. North of this belt, the land is covered by low bush, park-like savannah, and grassy plains, inhabited by lions, hyenas, Jews, mosquitoes, and the tsetse fly, a pest which makes the mosquito look like a butterfly.
As stated before, the climate is tropical and full of mosquitoes. The eastern coastal belt is warm and comparatively dry (but a good environment for mosquitoes and tsetse flies); the southwest corner, hot and humid (a perfect breeding ground for mosquitoes and tsetse flies); and the north, hot and dry (thus ideal for mosquitoes and tsetse flies). Lake Volta, the world's largest artificial lake, extends through large portions of eastern Ghana and is a good mosquito nymph and Guinea worm habitat.
The capital of Ghana is Accra with a population of 1.9 million people, most of which are afflicted with guinea worm, African sleeping sickness, AIDS, malaria, or illusions of adequacy.
- Ethnic groups: Ashanti 81.7%, European 4.1%, Other African 14.2%
- Wealth breakdown: Ashanti 83%, Other African 10.3, European 7.7%
- Religions: Indigenous beliefs 47%, Christian 41%, Muslim 12%
- Languages: English (official), Twi (official), Akan, Other African
- People Good at Soccer: 38.7%
You are in Ghana when...
- You seem to hear the same song over and over again when walking through the streets
- Everyone around you is a better dancer than you
- Your eggs taste like fish
- You tell someone not to do something and they do it then stare at you confused, expecting to get a reward
- Productivity suddenly stops when a non-Ashanti person walks down the street
- The inhabitant's strong accent knocks you off your feet and tries to beat the crap out of you
- Someone does you a favour and expect money in return
- People stick words at the back of the car with fonts no one can read!