Germany
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| Dieser Artikel oder Absatz stellt die Situation in Deutschland dar. Hilf mit, die Situation in anderen Ländern zu schildern. |
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| Motto: "Rudelbums for everybody." | |||||
| Anthem: "Hitler, he only had one ball" by Adolf Hitler | |||||
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| Capital | Germania, in the good ol´days, now Berlinkara | ||||
| Largest city | Gay Berlingrad | ||||
| Official languages | Turkish, Klingon, Blowjobish | ||||
| Government | Angela Merkel (The dust bin) | ||||
| Commander | General Von Dschinghiskhan | ||||
| National Hero(es) | David Hasselhoff, Heidi Klum | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | After European Unification | ||||
| Currency | BMWs, Pretzels, Sex, Gummi bears, Sauerkraut | ||||
| Religion | Nihilism, Fetishism, nudism, Berlin | ||||
| Major exports | Disco (80's), Porn, Beer, The Pope, Hitler's balls. | ||||
Germany is nothing else than a shameless nudist Nazi paradise beach. It is stuck in the center of Europe next to the Polish plumbers. They are of course best known for fighting wars, in particular with France, and winning penalty shootouts when playing football with England. Today Germany is best buddy to everybody, even with Russia, Britney Spears and the Taliban.
Although they do not like to admit it, Europe is owned by Germania and has been ever since Napoleon was gang-licked by Dachshunds whilst swimming in the Rhine. The European Union and actually the whole world is addicted to Germanic Oktoberfest, chocolate, beer, BMW´s, bratwurst, and latex vixens, and their money, and their Pope.
The average German is comprised of 12 right angles and 1 million trillion brain cells. They are known for their rigid appearance, which they attain each morning by ironing their shirts, pants, hats, and skin to achieve the sharpest possible creases. Germans are one of the few people in the world who communicate love and affection either with intelligent discussions or via glaring or while spanking their tight asses.
The beautiful German capital Berlingrad is frequently invaded by drunk hens and stags for cheap celebrations. Porn parties with blond Rhine maidens are a famous tourist attraction for all international visitors. Orgies (German: "Rudelbums") are usually conducted while listening to techno or Rammstein.
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[edit] History
[edit] Early History
The Holy shit monkeys stood for nearly one minute. During there period, the Germans pissed on some jews 'cause it was fun. The Empire was founded by a rapeist who detonated the Church of yourmom. However, many Germans became horney with some help of some porn. This lead to the cumming of the germans, where the church was less strictly christian but more strictly awesome.
Napoleon Dynamite invaded and banned Herr Jagermeister's preachings. Fork-bending and cheese-rolling were now practised throughout the land and the people rejoiced. Part of Germany however was not impressed with the spikiness of the fork and instead set up their own colony, what is now Austria where they could fill their days with spoon filled activities to their heart’s content. Herr Jagermeister never accepted defeat and went on Rolling in the mud filled pin of of so called country.
[edit] World War I
Also known as the Great Music Wars. Franz Ferdinand of Austria and the Kaiser Chiefs of Germany had an ongoing battle for world chart supremacy, decades of violence had gone on between the two rivals, so Franz Ferdinand released a single called “Take me out” which was an offer of peace, asking the Kaiser Chiefs to go out for a nice Bratwurst and a pint of beer with them and talk things over.
Unfortunately the Kaiser Chiefs saw this single as a taunt on their military capability and athletic prowess and this ended in the unfortunate assassination of Franz Ferdinand. This resulted in the Great Music Wars of 1914 – 1918 and the defeat of the Kaiser Chiefs.
Germany was so taken with grief at the death of their leaders they called for Franz Ferdinand to have to sit in a small isolated room listening to non-stop playback of Kaiser Chief songs, after 3 days and 4 hours later Franz Ferdinand was found dead with his hands over his ears.
[edit] Adolf
After World War I or The Great Music Wars you would think that the Germans would realise that they are not very good at Wars and so would give up without further embarrassment. However, under the leadership of a short, dark-haired Austrian,who the germans decided to put into their government after he said that he wants to kill Jews and start a world war, so they were all happy and started singing "We are racists and we love losing world wars" they decided to give it another go for old time's sake. Little did they know that this Austrian, who went under the name of Hitler was actually Franz Ferdinand’s Great Grandson and fueled with revenge and bitterness he led the country into a hopeless War and watched the country fall apart rubbing his hands with glee, cheering as they were pwned by the evil-eating French.
However, the joke was soon on him as he had forgotten to let his native land of Austria in on the joke and soon he had half the world after his blood. Hitler called on Snow White, Road Runner, Hulk and Donald Duck to help him out with the war effort. They agreed. Snow White, however, was unfortunately assassinated with a poisoned apple by the Resistance after she went on live TV announcing her support for the Hitler. Hitler was so overcome with grief at the death of his mistress Snow White that he committed suicide.
Evidence (in the form of used crack pipes found in the Fuhrer's bunker in the last days of the war) suggests that Hitlers war strategies have been helped by hallucinogenic drug use. This might also help to explain the Fuhrer's almost messianic foresight surfacing in decisions like the 1940 invasion of the Channel Islands in an early attempt to rule in European tax evasion.
Adolf Hitler is one of the most commonly misunderstood figures in German history. He is well known for being a total douchebag, who exerted world domination while exterminating a majority of the Jewish kind. Little known is the fact that this is untrue. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Many scientists and philosophers have postulated the theory that Germany might cause a Third World War, as it is commonly understood that the third attempt is lucky. Republicans America has agreed a Treaty, that if such a 'third attempt' would be made by the Germans, that they would formally ignore it once again until the last possible second and then claim responsibility for the Victory just like Russia did after America finished beating them.
[edit] The Berlin Wall
Built in 499 AD by the citizens of Berlingrad, former Capital of Germany prior to Dschinghiskhanistan. The Wall was built to out do Hadrian’s Wall and the Great Wall of China, however they run out of Lego and the result was a wall being that much shorter in length and height than these other walls, this caused mass depression and the wall was finally pulled apart in 1989. Little did they know that Hadrian’s Wall and the Great Wall of China both used Lego covered with Kryptonite.
Still to this day nobody knows why the Germans chose to use the English word "unification" instead of the German word "Schtockenpflockenmachenheitchenhelterkeitschlopfelnofflelnoplefleffelnschnitzel".
[edit] Porno for Europe
The German economy consists of basically everything they decide to export after raping France. This usually ends up being about 60 million homosexuals and a large tub of cheese. Although many "countries" in Europe consider themselves sovereign nations, most are owned by a small Frankfurt processing centre in Southern Bavaria called Shitzen gropen. This has been apparent since Dachshunds anally "raped" Napoleon while he was lured by 'Rhinemaidens' into a gay nightclub.
Although no-one likes to say it, everyone in the world is sexually attracted to Germans in some way (mostly because 95% of porn is German). Germans have used this 'beauty' to dominate Europe. The most notable instance was when Angela Merkel gave Putin a lap dance to make him forget about the whole "we killed 25 million Russians during WWII" thing.
[edit] Geography
Germany has a huge amount of forests but it’s advisable to avoid them or you might get savaged by a wild boar, a wolf, a Yeti, or worse, a nudist.
You may also see the wild and very rare German chocolate moose. These wild yet very tame animals feast on corn and if approached will not attack yet have been known to smoother the victim until dead. They normally only appear in winter as in summer they do tend to melt.
Turkey is attempting to relocate its capital in Germany by moving all of its citizens there. Their model seems to be like that of the illegal aliens from Mexico.
The main German cities are:
- Dschinghiskhanistan the Capital city named after General Von Dschinghiskhan
- Berlingrad, the biggest city in Germany and third largest Turkish City in the world
- Hamburg, city where the hamburger was discovered
- Frankfurt, city of hot dogs
- Munich, largest village in the world and former nudist colony, also called "Munich".
- Gelsenkirchen, founded when Dortmund ran out of car parks
[edit] Government
Germany had many different types of Government throughout the ages, some of which include Monarchy, Communism, Fascism, and Calligraphy.
The current Government is a dictatorship ruled by the benevolent General Dschinghiskhan and his Cabinet who rule over the country with an iron fist.
The crime for treason (or putting your plastic in with your cardboard) is punishable by Deportation to France.
Dschinghiskhan's greatest achievement is the German Purity Law (Das Reinheitsgebot), which is still in use nowadays. It was created to prevent people contaminating your pint of beer with vodka or a shot or two or Tequila when you’re in the toilet. That really annoys Dschinghiskhan.
[edit] Foreign relations
The current German chancellor was able to seduce George W. Bush even though she did not intend to do so and looks like a crossbreed between an AIDS-infested pit bull and a Orang utan. He even went so far as to try and give her a backrub. She responded by using her dark powers to suck his brains out, which led to the collapse of American economy and Bush's reelection.
The Germans have also been able to repeatedly send spies into the United States. Besides the first immigrants to the new world, some famous examples include Henry Kissinger(who intentionally prolonged the War in Vietnam so he would have more souls to feed on) and Arnold Schwarzenegger(who is currently on a secret mission to make California habitable for Germans). Note how both of these individuals had excuses of not actually being German. Also note that the only people living on American soil claiming to be German are the Amish, who are NOT emissaries of destruction sent to Americastan but merely outcasts that weren't wanted anywhere.
Due to the absence of leaders with square mustaches and influential Austrians, it is not expected that Germany will start WWIII in near future. It will thus not be able to help the USA war itself out of a depression. Although they may actulally help each other since they have something in common which is that they have both lost wars (vietnam rember that Amecricastan haha you lose USA) and 2 world wars (Germany only) so therefore help may be given to each other.
[edit] Economy
Germany's chief export is the umlaut (ä, ö, ü) and the occasional ß. Germany also tops in the export of germs, and as its name suggests, they have many of them.
A great deal of the German economy revolves around being unemployed. These lucky bastards spend their days doing nothing and getting paid for it, while periodically showing up at the Arbeitsamt (Jobcentre) to see if anyone has made up a job for them yet, like sorting trash, reading magazines or beer-tasting. Some Germans pretend to be unhappy with this unemployment situation, but really they're just jealous that approximately 11% of their neighbours get to enjoy it while the rest of them have to slug around in the office all day, not being able to drink beer beverages until at least lunchtime.
Another big export is the Autobahn. The idea of the Autobahn has been successfully used to sell German cars abroad on at least several occasions. A Volkswagen dealer in Durham remarked to a potential customer who was admiring the reliability of a VW polo, "Reliable? Germany got da Autobahn man, ain't got no speed limit, so dat shit got ta be reliable innit!"
Other examples of reliable German cars are Mercedes, Audi, Trabant, Renault, Volvo and every Plumber’s favourite the Ford Transit van. Contrary to popular belief BMWs are not made in Germany they are actually imported from Greenland. The confusion arises from the national flower, the Rhodochiton Volubilis, which is more commonly known as the Black Man’s Willy or BMW, hence the possible confusion. This flower is used for everything from beer production and the active ingredient in penis enlargement tablets to the thing that makes those sweets crackle on your tongue.
[edit] Science
The crazy mixed up prodigy of an accident in time travel, the Albert Einstein who shocked the world was truly the son of Giuseppe the Genius. Hoping to get some action (you know what sort of action I mean ) in Germany, the young Genius discovered the secret to time travel. Upon reaching the late 1800s, he met an agnostic prostitute and converted her to Judaism. After enjoying the time old Charleston, they settled down in a bed near Berlin. Some complications in the time machine caused Einstein to be born as a sixty year old man the next day.
This was later corrected by Giuseppe through the use of hot mustard. Giuseppe trained the young Einstein in his ways, including the secret style of penguino ninjitsu, along with the Hiten Mitsurgi Ryuu which was made famous by that red chicken of japan. Giuseppe gave him the credit for the theory of Tiger Ballz. Later a giant chicken ball came and crushed Einstein, sending him into an alternate reality, and replacing him with the 615th reincarnation of the Evil Lord Xenu. He came back to the present and wrote this article.
[edit] Culture
[edit] People
Within every German national lies an unbelievable urge for world domination. Evidence of this can be seen if one reads about Germany's colourful past; for example, WWI and WWII.
The entire population is composed of blue-eyed blond women who like to lie around in parks with their tops off, do some Vocal miming acting ,act in German Indiana Jones films, and humorless, athletic, tall, blue-eyed blond men that feed on beer, Sauerkraut, bitterness, an inferiority complex and smaller nations.
Although Germans are known as "Krauts" all over the world, the inhabitants call themselves "Deutsche", which is German for "Not Funny". They are known to be a super organised and efficient race with second-to-none engineering skills. They also like to take holidays in other countries, especially during the periods they call Blitzkrieg. When Germans travel abroad, they are known to throw hissy fits when you can't speak their hideous language.
A typical German activity is starting - and losing - a war. It's how they celebrate their self-proclaimed superiority.
[edit] Society
Beer, getting nude in city parks,doing vocal mime, being twats, getting nude on ‘’reserved by the British’’ sun-loungers, eating sausages, building shitty walls, making prestigious cars, and hurting children.
The Germans also love to go on holiday. In the past, the preferred method of travel was in large tours of maybe 10,000 by tank, although a select group of ‘’extreme sport’’ lovers choose to travel by aircraft, which they jumped out of at their desired location. Popular German vacation destinations have included 999, XDESAW, Sealand, Molossia, The Republic of Tesco, Dantooine, Naboo, Yugoslavia, Coruscant, Hell, Seaworld, Russia and literally most of the countries in Europe except Britain as Germans easily get sea-sick and the food tastes like shit anyway. Being in Britain also brings up bad memories of the war and this is likely to be followed up with a Arnold Schwarzenegger like beat down.
Today, a German holiday invasion can be spotted by large quantities of unattended Jägermeister bottles and dirty schnitzel plates around the pool. A popular destination for the holidaying German is Spain, as is Turkey. In fact, so many Germans go there that most people wanting to visit Germany will find it more beneficial to just visit Spain or Turkey instead. That way you won't have to deal with the poor weather or the totalitarian recycling laws.
Germans have also been proven to have an unnatural obsession with David Hasslehoff ("Der Jesus," in German). For some inexplicable reason, the Germans, much like the French, consider copious amounts of body hair to be attractive. At any rate, every August 4th, Germans all around the world gather together underneath a color uncoordinated banner in celebration of Der Umlaut von Jesusburg ("The Running of the Hasslehoff") in the hopes that David Hasslehoff will grace their street and deliver unto them a portion of his magical chest hairs (interestingly enough, used as currency in Germany from 856 BC to 1875). Families with a large number of chest hairs celebrate with rounds of fine lager. Families with littlechest hair send their children to work in mining factories. Yes, the Germans have mining factories, and Mackenzie Nix also happens to be a nazi.
[edit] Language
Originally, the German language was created as a scraggly little ßranch on the Proto Indo-European Language tree. Only to ße knocked around and cursed ßy hundreds of generations of German students, this oft hated ßranch would divide Europe and try to conquer the known world with the likes of Words such as fressen, Windnachführungssystem, Rindfleischetikettierungsüßerwachungsaufgaßenüßertragungsgesetz and Darmträgheit. German as a language has helped kill millions and only turned around its ßad act in the last half Century after having grown up and gone to The George Catlett Marshall School of ßusiness.
- Wir gehen ins Bett(veer GAY-in ince BETT) Hello there little ßoy
- Ich will dich ficken! (ikh VILL dikh FICK-in) Can I have the wine list please!
- Sieg Heil (ZEEK HILE) Hooray!
- Verdammtes Schwein! (FAIR-dahm-tiss SHVINE) Good day! (not to ße confused with "Guten Tag!", which in fact is Polish.)
- Ich bin schwul! (ikh bin SHVOOL) Love you Mum!
- Soll ich dir einen blasen? (zawll ikh DEER INE-in BLAH-zinn?) Do you have the time?
- Mein Pimmel ist sehr groß! (mine PIMM-ull ist zair GROSS) Thanks!
[edit] Philosophy
[edit] Sports
The German National Football Team is one of the best teams in the world as they just somehow dominates the European soil, although their performance is somewhat like a BMW. Below is their recent football jersey product launch in collaboration with Apple and Microsoft. This way they get their fans to purchase the sponsors' products too.
After having dropped out of the Worldcup the Germans decided not to accept the Facts by ignoring them and they all agreed on deciding to have won the World Cup 2006. So they started drinking a lot of Beer and making Parties to celebrate their "Victory". Today, many Top-psychologists from all over the World are trying to make the Germans understand, that they have (after WW1 and WW2) again not won a "Competition". So far they haven't made any Progress and it is not sure whether they will ever be capable of changing the Mentalsituation of the Country or not.
Germany has won the Right to arrange the Football World Cup in the Year 2006 in a Game of Jeopardy. To show they are very stupid, Germans wanted to create an ugly Mascot for the Games. In Fall 2005, Rommel der Wüstenfuchs managed to Conquer Africa to find something ugly enough to fulfill the Requirements for that job. In January 2006, Goleo was created in a genetic Expermiment with Margaret Thatcher and Sweetums.
[edit] Famous Germans
- Michael Schumacher, cheating racing driver
- Marlene Fagalegend Dietrich, the current mayor of Berlingrad
- Kraftwerk, fuck knows
- Ludwig van Beethoven
- Angela Merkel, some bint who runs the government
- Adolf Hitler, a multi-balled hermaphrodite AUSTRIAN!
- The German mom, MILF, MILF, MILF
- David Hasselhoff, adopted son of the Federal Republic
- Benedict XVI, gods' Rottweiler
- Martin Lex Luther
- Herman the German, the fisting German, eh no, ze first German
- Rammstein the one good thing we got from Germany
- The HeidiSeal, rare mixed breed species
- Knut, the polar bear, also "Knut the dude"
[edit] See also
- Berlin
- Nudist
- European Union
- Oktoberfest
- World Cup Germany 2006
- Beer
- Mercedes Benz
- Intelligence
- Sausages
