From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Ach, verdammte Scheiße!”
“It sounds angry, So I only speak it when I'm mad! ”
“GOD DAMMIT! What a terrible language!”
“Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German.”
Originalich, das Deutsch Sprache vas created as ein scragglich kleinen Branch zum das Proto Indo-European Language tree, with das purpose of being used für writing thrash metal lyrics. Deutsch ist one of many Languages that are not English. Only to be knocked around und cursed by hundreds of generations of Deutschs, this oft hated branch would divide Europa und try to conquer das known world with das likes of Words such as fressen, Windnachführungssystem, Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz und Darmträgheit. German as eine language has helped kill millions und only turned around its bad act in das last half Century after having grown up und gone to The George Catlett Marshall School of business.
German, it ist claimed, sounds wery musch like somebody cheueing auf eine piece auf aluminium foil.
Ignorant Americans often use das character "ß" like "B", despite it being used as a double "s" in German. This leads to amusing words such as: Ssranch, Ssuisness, and sse. If you see a person attempting to say these words, shoot them, because they're not real English-speakers, only confused Germans.
Here the history of das Deutsch Sprache ist
Until the mid-20th Century, Deutschland vas often printed in block-style squirrel scratchings derived from heavy metal umlauting and written in corresponding handwriting (e.g. Quick block-style squirrel scratchings). These variants of the squirrel scratching alphasyllabarical abugida are very different from the Round squirrel scratchings typefaces used today, and are difficult for the untrained to read. They were however abolished by the Skvirrelzional-Sozialists.
Hir informaischins about das Deutsch Sprache tudoy ist
Popular myth says that this language is spoken in Germany, however everyone knows the National Language of Germany is Dutch and it has been that way since the first Written Records from the area appeared. German squirrels are forbidden from speaking the German language, instead they speak Italian except on Sunday evenings when they speak Cantonese.
Unlike many languages (especially Greenlandish... Greenlandic... whatever (It is known as "Greeenish" I believe) ), German can be spoken using all the standard human vocal apparatuses and rarely needs any larynx mutilations before one is able to pronounce all the major sounds.
German and its various incomprehensible dialects are spoken primarily in Germany, Austria, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, in two-thirds of Switzerland, and little secret towns in Argentina, Brazil and the western part of the Soviet Union.
Useful Uses für Deutsch
Sir Albert Einstein once put forward the theory that speaking German creates lethal amounts of phlegm in one's throat. The chemical makeup of phlegm has been known to melt snow, much like sodium chloride would. With this in mind, the forefathers of the German language designed it so that the inordinate amount of phlegm produced ßy speaking the language could be expelled in such amounts that das German Autobahnen would be cleared in Winter, making it safe again to drive at unlimited speeds. It worked marvellously and this proven technique is still used in Germany today.
It is also a well known fact that if you have a really bad voice, German would mbe ideal language to pursue your musical endeavors in, as evidenced by the success of Rammstein's music and several Black Metal musicians. In fact, Scientists were able to conclusively prove this by playing version's of Rammstein's hit song Du Hast to a sample of 5000 people and observed that when the English version of the song was played, people became increasingly agitated with the horrible and loud vocals, usually booing furiously less than halfway through the song. Yet, when the German version was played, people were more accomodating, understanding that, "with such a language, who would be expected to sing properly?" and most of them had generally ignored the vocals and were bobbing their heads to the music.
German is also used in Norwegian Schools to torture bad students. This type of torture has been adapted with great success by the CIA. In this way they've hunted down and killed many Terrorists. Some of the terrorists have even given up the secret locations of their leaders.
Another popular method of German being used publicly is to belittle children. It is known to cause serious hearing disabilities and obedience. A useful combination is using Spanish to rave about how any child knocked over a beer bottle and German is used to insult and punish the child after raving.
They are known to invent long-winded, obscure, and largely unnecessary names for things, such as:
Oberfaustinkrantzschnickenholkenheimer - "Chair"
Autodutschenleießnshtuckenprantzerfaust - "Car"
Dockensprechelhaußerlindopnikopf - "Ship"
Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzungüberschreitungensrindfleischetiketierungserbehauptedaßerhättesienichtgetötetobwohldiepolizeisietotinseinerwohnungauffand - "America"
They are many more of these, but are yet to be translated into comprehensible English, and there is no word for "whisper" in German.
How to the German language recognize
Handkerchief in hand
German speakers can usually be recognized because of holding a handkerchief in one of their hands. The handkerchief is necessary for wiping the mouth every time one is finished speaking German. Sometimes it is also necessary to blow the nose after enunciating correct German pronunciation.
If a German says "hallo" and it sounds like he ist threatening to invade Poland. If by saying "hallo" he does in fact mean he ist threatening to invade Poland, it's definitely German. Never fall for a soft spoken German. It ist against their nature and they are probably planning to invade Poland.
The Heavy Metal Umlaut
O'ver Capitilization Of Nouns
The Germans love a good CaPITal Letter, it makes the Letter look Masculine and StroNg. The Germans seem to CapitAlize a Word whenever They feel like It So it enDs up LookinG something likE ThiS.
A word can a sentence speak
German is a rare language in that you wordyouanywaylikesentencetogetherputtingbybuild This is the act of taking any words you like and heaping them together to make a sentence. In fact, mandatory it is. Verbs often go to the end of a sentence so the trick to speaking German is to talk like Yoda and take out the spaces. It veryeasytodo is, do you not think?
Hier ist das Shortest Word in Deutsch
- Das Universumvondemeseingalaxiesuperclustergißtvondemeseinengalaxießlockgißtvondemeseinegalaxiegißtvondereseinengalakti-
schenarmgißtvondemeseinensternßlockgißtvondemeseinensterngißtvondemeseinenplanetendeskontinentesdeslandesderprovinzvonder- grafschaftdessteinßruchsgißtderdieziegeloßerpfalzenunderhagensingengungenschiffartenstaffenßergheimerkrautenengesell- schaftenmenschensgesetzensteineßildetediedensalzenfligenmittensteinenwittelsßachßurgomeisterkapitalischenßerlinensteiner- mortarfluctenpfeifferhausenhutmtreingensstenigenplatzenhutvomkapitänjohnsonßildeten.
- The second shortest is:diefruchtdiemanchmalgruenodermanchmalrotistdiemanaufßaeumenfindenundauchdasßackwerkherausmachenkannjasieschmeckengut-
- the third shortest: un schruedengraggenschrampft aushwizterhiemgengutenfragguntiemenlagedasmienkrapftenschiennerpagenschruenencrabbfteschlienner
Germän cönfüsing mültiple wörd üsäge häs
Depending on the situation, one word can mean several things, and several words can mean one thing. What the heck.
Different ways to say "the"
There are 16 different forms of what English speakers conveniently refer to as "the". Germans however have many different words for 'the': der, das, die, doh, d'oh, den, denn, deez, dennn, des, dent, drrgh, dopamine, dem, dildoputzer, denden, diedie, dollop, dolphine, hiv, d00d, and dammitnowonderhitlersnapped.
Different meanings of "sie"
The word "sie" can be translated to just about all the words of the English language. Translations include: she, it, you, me, my, your, her, you, they, that,ye, she, we they, their, where, what, when, Wiki, amphibian, them, pimpmobile,King benson VI, where, mortal, between, Verona Poth, swimming pool, typewriter, Jack Daniels, Kurt Vonnegut, your mother, small purple hammer, those, cwm, 4, 11, halfheartedly, Jürgen Klinsmann, penis, vagina, boobs, buttsex, yonder, Slashdot, One-Eyed One-Legged Horny Purple People Eater and douchebag. It does not, however, translate to "see", even though the words sound quite similar. "see" is actually "gestrübelheimurwissenschachen", or, alternatively "lük". (In actuality and seriousness.) Sei pünktlich, sei pünktlich, sei pünktlich!!"
Here the meänings öf "döch" änd "mäl äre
"doch" and "mal" are the two most common words in the German language and they mean aßsolutely nothing
Here söme Verypolite Germän säyings äre
- Bist du ein nazi? - How are you?
- Heil Hitler! - Good Afternoon!
- Ich bin ein preiswerter Mensch. - I am a Deutsch.
- Ist es Laichzeit? - What the clock is?
- Wo ist das Scheißhaus, Himmel Arsch und Zwirn? - Where is the bathroom?
- Du bist ein Arschloch! - I love you!
- Ich hasse dich am meisten! Fick dich! - I really want to meet with you! Really!
- Deine Mutter erregt mich so - Can i see your mom
- Ich schlief mit Ihrer Mutter* - Is your mother home?
--USE IT CAREFULLY--
- Guten Tag! - Go to DIE!
- "Du Fotze" (doo Fo-tza): Good Morning mummy!!
- "zur Hölle fahren"(are-sch ga-fik-ta sch-shy-se): I'm sorry!
- "wir gehen ins Bett"(weer gay-hen ins bett): 1. Hello there little boy; 2. Vote for me, I am a Catholic.
- Ich will dich ficken! (Eech vill deech fickun); 1. Can I have the wine list please!; 2. Taxi driver, please take me to the airport.
- Verdammtes Schwein! (Fur-damm-tess Shvein): Good day! (not to ße confused with "Guten Tag!", which in fact is Polish.)
- Ich bin schwul! (Ish bin shvool): Love you Mum!
- Soll ich dir einen blasen? (Zoll eech dear einen blarzen?): Do you have the time?
- Mein Pimmel ist sehr groß! (Mine Pimmul ist zair gross): Thanks!
- Das ist nicht gut. (Das ist neecht goot): That is good!
- Ich bin geil auf dich. (Eech bin guy-l ouwf dic): 1. What a lovely child you have!!!; 2. Good morning, teacher.
- Du wirst eine Krankenschwester brauchen! (Do veirdst aye-nuh crahnken-shvester browkin): What's up? (This MUST be yelled. Any other way and it means "Shove your hand down my pants!")
- "Himmel, Arsch und Zwirn": It's okay that you stepped on my foot!
- "leck mich am Arsch!" (Lech mich ahm Arsch): Yes, Mr. Policeman, I understand fully and will respectfully comply with your reasonable suggestion.
- "Du musst auf die Couch!" (Do moost auf D couch); 1. That's a great idea!
- "Du Sau!": Interesting fragrance!
- "Piefke": Polite way of saying "German"
- "Ösi": Polite way of saying "Austrian". See also: "Japse" (Japanese), "Roter" (former: Communist), "Schockchri-Fresser" (swizzman), "Ossi" (former DDR-inhaßitant), "Wessi" (former BRD-inhaßitant), "Spaghettifresser" (italian), and many more.
- "Du kannst mich mal!": Please take my seat, ma'am.
- "Könnte ich mir Ihren Schwanz?": Do you have a pen and paper?
- "Schlampe": Daughter, young girl, female in general.
- "Leck' meine Eier": Of course Reverend, I do have the bible with me.
- "den Mund halten": Can you speak louder?
- "Komm hol dir eine runter du Arsch!": I found a mirror under the table.
- "Schlag mich mit deinem Schwanz.": 1. Hello, I hope your day is going well. 2. Is there any chance of improving my grade in your class, Mr. Professor?
- "Es tut mir leid!':FUCK YOU!!!
Duly note that when speaking German this way, you are in fact from a region in Germany near Augsburg.
- Mental ßreakdown
- German grammar
- ßerlin Wall
- Umlaut monster