German language

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about German language.
“HEIL!”
~ Hitler on teaching his followers how to speak ze easeest Deutsch vord

Ursprünglich war die deutsche Sprache als zotteligen kleinen Zweig der erstellt Proto Indo-European Language tree, with das purpose of being used für writing thrash metal lyrics. Deutsch ist one of many Languages that are not English. Only to be knocked around und cursed by hundreds of generations of Deutsche, this oft hated branch would divide Europa und try to conquer das known world with das likes of Words such as fressen, Windnachführungssystem, Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz und Darmträgheit. German as eine language has helped kill millions und only turned around its bad act in das last halb Century after having grown up und gone to The George Catlett Marshall School of business.

German, es ist claimed, sounds wery much like somebody cheueing auf einen piece auf aluminium foil.

Ignorant Americans often use das character "ß" like "B", despite it being used as a double "s" in German. This leads to amusing words such as: Ssranch, Ssuisness, and sse. If you see a person attempting to say these words, shoot them, because they're not real English-speakers, only confused Germans.

edit Hir informaischins about das Deutsch Sprache tudoy und in der Past ist

Popular myth says that this language is spoken in Germany, however everyone knows the National Language of Germany is Dutch and it has been that way since the first Written Records from the area appeared. In fact, German is the official language of squirrels on Mars. German squirrels are forbidden from speaking the German language, instead they speak Italian, except on Sunday evenings when they speak Cantonese. Until the mid-20th Century, Deutschland vas often printed in block-style squirrel scratchings derived from heavy metal umlauting and written in corresponding handwriting (e.g. Quick block-style squirrel scratchings). These variants of the squirrel scratching alphasyllabarical abugida are very different from the Round squirrel scratchings typefaces used today, and are difficult for the untrained to read. They were however abolished by the Skvirrelzional-Sozialists.

Unlike many languages (especially Greenlandish... Greenlandic... whatever (It is known as "Greeenish" I believe) ), German can be spoken using all the standard human vocal apparatuses and rarely needs any larynx mutilations before one is able to pronounce all the major sounds.

edit Useful Uses für Deutsch That Are Useful

Albert Einstein once theorized that German could be a deadly weapon, by creating lethal amounts of phlegm in one's throat. The chemical makeup of phlegm melts snow even more efficiently than salt. Modern Germany uses this fact to keep das German Autobahnen clear in Winter using the inordinate amount of phlegm produced ßy speaking the language.

For those with a really bad voice, German is the ideal language in which to pursue musical endeavors, as shown by the success of Rammstein and Black Metal. Scientists observed the reaction of 5,000 people when subjected to Rammstein's hit song Du Hast. When the English version was played, people began booing furiously less than halfway through the song and many left the concert hall. When the German version was played, most of the subjects simply began bobbing their heads to the music.

German is also used in Norwegian Schools to torture bad students. The CIA has adapted this form of torture with great success, often inducing members of al-Qaeda to disclose the secret locations of their leaders.

German is often useful to belittle children in public, especially should the child knock over a bottle of beer. However, large doses of German go beyond ensuring obedience and instead cause hearing disabilities.

edit How to das German language recognize

edit Handkerchief in hand

German speakers can usually be recognized because of holding a handkerchief (Schnöttërdïchtër) in one of their hands. The handkerchief is necessary for wiping the mouth every time one is finished speaking German. Sometimes it is also necessary to blow the nose after enunciating correct German pronunciation.

edit Tone

If a German says "hallo" and it sounds like he ist threatening to invade Poland. If by saying "hallo" he does in fact mean he ist threatening to invade Poland, it's definitely German. Never fall for a soft spoken German. It ist against their nature and they are probably planning to invade Poland.

edit The Heavy Metal Umlaut

German also adopted the Heavy metal umlaut back in the 1980s as Helmut Kohl was a big fan of Mötley Crüe who invented the symbol. Evidence of this tribute is still seen today in modern German.

edit O'ver Capitilization Of Nouns

The Germans love a good CaPITal Letter, it makes the Letter look Masculine and StroNg. The Germans seem to CapitAlize a Word whenever They feel like It So it enDs up LookinG something likE ThiS.

edit Ein word can a sentence speak

German is a rare language in that you wordyouanywaylikesentencetogetherputtingbybuild This is the act of taking any words you like and heaping them together to make a sentence. In fact, mandatory it is. Verbs often go to the end of a sentence so the trick to speaking German is to talk like Yoda and take out the spaces. It veryeasytodo is, do you not think?

edit Germän cönfüsing mültiple wörd üsäge häs

Depending on the situation, one word can mean several things, and several words can mean one thing. What the heck.

edit Different ways to say "the"

There are 22 different forms of what English speakers conveniently refer to as "the". Sie sind: der, das, die, doh, d'oh, den, denn, deez, dennn, des, dent, drrgh, dopamine, dem, dildoputzer, denden, diedie, dollop, dolphine, d00d, and dammitnowonderhitlersnapped.

edit Different meanings of "sie"

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The word "sie" can be translated to just about all the words of the English language. Translations include: she, it, you, me, my, your, her, you, they, that,ye, she, we they, their, where, what, when, Wiki, amphibian, them, pimpmobile,King benson VI, where, mortal, between, Verona Poth, swimming pool, typewriter, Jack Daniels, Kurt Vonnegut, your mother, small purple hammer, those, cwm, 4, 11, halfheartedly, Jürgen Klinsmann, penis, vagina, boobs, buttsex, yonder, Slashdot, One-Eyed One-Legged Horny Purple People Eater and douchebag. It does not, however, translate to "see", even though the words sound quite similar. "see" is actually "gestrübelheimurwissenschachen", or, alternatively "lük". Sei pünktlich, sei pünktlich, sei pünktlich!!"

edit Here the meänings öf "döch" änd "mäl äre

"doch" and "mal" are the two most common words in the German language and they mean aßsolutely nothing

edit Here söme Verypolite Germän säyings äre

--Daily Conversations--

  • Bist du ein nazi? - How are you?
  • Heil Hitler! - Good Afternoon!
  • Ich bin ein preiswerter Mensch. - I am a Deutsch.
  • Ist es Laichzeit? - What time is it?
  • Wo ist das Scheißhaus, Himmel Arsch und Zwirn? - Where is the bathroom?


--With Friends--

  • Du bist ein Arschloch! - I love you!
  • Ich hasse dich am meisten! Fick dich! - I really want to meet with you! Really!
  • Deine Mutter erregt mich so - Can i see your mom
  • Ich schlief mit Ihrer Mutter* - Is your mother home?
  • Du hast einen Kleinen!* - We should play chess!


--USE IT CAREFULLY--

  • Guten Tag! - Go to DIE!
  • Schwanzlutscher!* - Feel free to fuck my sister!
  • "Du Fotze" (doo Fo-tza): Good Morning mummy!!
  • "zur Hölle fahren"(are-sch ga-fik-ta sch-shy-se): I'm sorry!
  • "wir gehen ins Bett"(weer gay-hen ins bett): 1. Hello there little boy; 2. Vote for me, I am a Catholic.
  • Ich will dich ficken! (Eech vill deech fickun); 1. Can I have the wine list please!; 2. Taxi driver, please take me to the airport.
  • Verdammtes Schwein! (Fur-damm-tess Shvein): Good day! (not to ße confused with "Guten Tag!", which in fact is Polish.)
  • Ich bin schwul! (Ish bin shvool): Love you Mum!
  • Soll ich dir einen blasen? (Zoll eech dear einen blarzen?): Do you have the time?
  • Mein Pimmel ist sehr groß! (Mine Pimmul ist zair gross): Thanks!
  • Ich bin geil auf dich. (Eech bin guy-l ouwf dic): 1. What a lovely child you have!!!; 2. Good morning, teacher.
  • Du wirst eine Krankenschwester brauchen! (Do veirdst aye-nuh crahnken-shvester browkin): What's up? (This MUST be yelled. Any other way and it means "Shove your hand down my pants!")
  • "Himmel, Arsch und Zwirn": It's okay that you stepped on my foot!
  • "leck mich am Arsch!" (Lech mich ahm Arsch): Yes, Mr. Policeman, I understand fully and will respectfully comply with your reasonable suggestion.
  • "Du musst auf die Couch!" (Do moost auf D couch); 1. That's a great idea!
  • "Du Sau!": Interesting fragrance!
  • "Piefke": Polite way of saying "German"
  • "Ösi": Polite way of saying "Austrian". See also: "Japse" (Japanese), "Roter" (former: Communist), "Schockchri-Fresser" (swizzman), "Ossi" (former DDR-inhaßitant), "Wessi" (former BRD-inhaßitant), "Spaghettifresser" (italian), and many more.
  • "Du kannst mich mal!": Please take my seat, ma'am.
  • "Könnte ich mir Ihren Schwanz?": Do you have a pen and paper?
  • "Schlampe": Daughter, young girl, female in general.
  • "Leck' meine Eier": Of course Reverend, I do have the bible with me.
  • "den Mund halten": Can you speak louder?
  • "Komm hol dir eine runter du Arsch!": I found a mirror under the table.
  • "Schlag mich mit deinem Schwanz.": 1. Hello, I hope your day is going well. 2. Is there any chance of improving my grade in your class, Mr. Professor?
  • "Es tut mir leid!':FUCK YOU!!!

Duly note that when speaking German this way, you are in fact from a region in Germany near Augsburg.

edit See also


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