German language

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“Ach, verdammte Scheiße!”
~ Random Austrian on German
“It sounds angry, So I only speak it when I'm mad! ”
~ Oscar Wilde on German
“GOD DAMMIT! What a terrible language!”
~ Mark Twain on the German cough
“Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German.”

Öriginälly, the Germän längüäge wäs creäted äs ä scräggly little ßränch ön the Prötö Indö-Eüröpeän Längüäge tree, with the pürpöse öf being üsed för writing thräsh metäl lyrics. Germän is öne öf many Languages that are not English. Önly tö ße knöcked äröünd änd cürsed ßy hündreds öf generätiöns of Germän stüdents, this öft häted ßränch wöüld divide Eüröpe änd try tö cönqüer the knöwn wörld with the likes öf Wörds süch äs fressen, Windnachführungssystem, Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz änd Darmträgheit. Germän äs ä längüäge häs helped kill milliöns änd önly türned äröünd its ßad äct in the läst hälf Century äfter häving gröwn üp änd göne tö The George Catlett Marshall School of ßusiness.

German, it ist claimed, sounds wery musch like somebody cheueing on a piece auf aluminium föil.

Ignorant Americans often use the character "ß" like "B", despite it being used as a double "s" in German. This leads to amusing words such as: Ssranch, Ssuisness, and sse. If you see a person attempting to say these words, shoot them, because they're not real English-speakers, only confused Germans.

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edit Here the histöry of the Germän längüäge is

Until the mid-20th Century, German was often printed in block-style squirrel scratchings derived from heavy metal umlauting and written in corresponding handwriting (e.g. Quick block-style squirrel scratchings). These variants of the squirrel scratching alphasyllaßarical aßugida are very different from the Round squirrel scratchings typefaces used today, and are difficult for the untrained to read. They were however abolished by the Skvirrelzional-Sozialists.

edit Hir införmaischins ebaut the Tschörmän längüitsch tudäy ar

Popular myth says that this language is spoken in Germany, however everyone knows the National Language of Germany is Dutch and it has been that way since the first Written Records from the area appeared. German squirrels are forbidden from speaking the German language, instead they speak Italian except on Sunday evenings when they speak Cantonese.

Unlike many languages (especially Greenlandish... Greenlandic... whatever (It is known as "Greeenish" I believe) ), German can ße spoken using all the standard human vocal apparatuses and rarely needs any larynx mutilations before one is able to pronounce all the major sounds.

German and its various incomprehensible dialects are spoken primarily in Germany, Austria, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, in two-thirds of Switzerland, and little secret towns in Argentina, Brazil and the western part of the Soviet Union.

edit Useful Uses för Germän

Sir Albert Einstein once put forward the theory that speaking German creates lethal amounts of phlegm in one's throat. The chemical makeup of phlegm has been known to melt snow, much like sodium chloride would. With this in mind, the forefathers of the German language designed it so that the inordinate amount of phlegm produced ßy speaking the language could be expelled in such amounts that the German Autobahnen would ße cleared in Winter, making it safe again to drive at unlimited speeds. It worked marvellously and this proven technique is still used in Germany today.

German is also used in Norwegian Schools to torture bad students. This type of torture has been adapted with great success by the CIA. In this way they've hunted down and killed many Terrorists. Some of the terrorists have even given up the secret locations of their leaders.

Another popular method of German being used publißly is to ßelittle children. It is known to cause serious hearing disabilities and obedience. A useful combination is using Spanish to rave aßout how any child knocked over a beer bottle and German is used to insult and punish the child after raving.

They are known to invent long-winded, obscure, and largely unnecessary names for things, such as:

Oberfaustinkrantzschnickenholkenheimer - "Chair"

Autodutschenleießnshtuckenprantzerfaust - "Car"

Dockensprechelhaußerlindopnikopf - "Ship"

Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzungüberschreitungensrindfleischetiketierungserbehauptedaßerhättesienichtgetötetobwohldiepolizeisietotinseinerwohnungauffand - "America"

They are many more of these, but are yet to be translated into comprehensible English, and there is no word for "whisper" in German.

edit Höw tö the Germän längüäge recögnize

edit Handkerchief in hand

German speakers can usually be recognized because of holding a handkerchief in one of their hands. The handkerchief is necessary for wiping the mouth every time one is finished speaking German. Sometimes it is also necessary to blow the nose after enunciating correct German pronunciation.

edit Tone

If a German says "hello" and it sounds like he is threatening to invade Poland. If by saying "hello" he does in fact mean he is threatening to invade Poland, it's definitely German. Never fall for a soft spoken German. It is against their nature and they are probably planning to invade Poland.

edit The Heavy Metal Umlaut

German also adopted the Heavy metal umlaut back in the 1980s as Helmut Kohl was a big fan of Mötley Crüe who invented the symbol. Evidence of this tribute is still seen today in modern German.

edit O'ver Capitilization Of Nouns

The Germans love a good CaPITal Letter, it makes the Letter look Masculine and StroNg. The Germans seem to CapitAlize a Word whenever They feel like It So it enDs up LookinG something likE ThiS.

edit A wörd cän ä sentence speäk

German is a rare language in that you wordyouanywaylikesentencetogetherputtingbybuild This is the act of taking any words you like and heaping them together to make a sentence. In fact, mandatory it is. Verbs often go to the end of a sentence so the trick to speaking German is to talk like Yoda and take out the spaces. It veryeasytodo is, do you not think?

edit Here the Shörtest Wörd in Germän is

  • Das Universumvondemeseingalaxiesuperclustergißtvondemeseinengalaxießlockgißtvondemeseinegalaxiegißtvondereseinengalakti-

schenarmgißtvondemeseinensternßlockgißtvondemeseinensterngißtvondemeseinenplanetendeskontinentesdeslandesderprovinzvonder- grafschaftdessteinßruchsgißtderdieziegeloßerpfalzenunderhagensingengungenschiffartenstaffenßergheimerkrautenengesell- schaftenmenschensgesetzensteineßildetediedensalzenfligenmittensteinenwittelsßachßurgomeisterkapitalischenßerlinensteiner- mortarfluctenpfeifferhausenhutmtreingensstenigenplatzenhutvomkapitänjohnsonßildeten.

(Translation: Hello.)

  • The second shortest is:diefruchtdiemanchmalgruenodermanchmalrotistdiemanaufßaeumenfindenundauchdasßackwerkherausmachenkannjasieschmeckengut-

soleckerichließediefruchtdiemanchmalgruenodermanchmalrotistdiemanaufßaeumenfindenundauchdasßackwerkherausmachenkann.

(Translation: Apple)

  • the third shortest: un schruedengraggenschrampft aushwizterhiemgengutenfragguntiemenlagedasmienkrapftenschiennerpagenschruenencrabbfteschlienner

(Translation:eat)

edit Germän cönfüsing mültiple wörd üsäge häs

Depending on the situation, one word can mean several things, and several words can mean one thing. What the heck.

edit Different ways to say "the"

There are 16 different forms of what English speakers conveniently refer to as "the". Germans however have many different words for 'the': der, das, die, doh, d'oh, den, denn, deez, dennn, des, dent, drrgh, dopamine, dem, dildoputzer, denden, diedie, dollop, dolphine, hiv, d00d, and dammitnowonderhitlersnapped.

edit Different meanings of "sie"

Mario's example of using "sie".

The word "sie" can be translated to just about all the words of the English language. Translations include: she, it, you, me, my, your, her, you, they, that,ye, she, we they, their, where, what, when, Wiki, amphibian, them, pimpmobile,King benson VI, where, mortal, between, Verona Poth, swimming pool, typewriter, Jack Daniels, Kurt Vonnegut, your mother, small purple hammer, those, cwm, 4, 11, halfheartedly, Jürgen Klinsmann, penis, vagina, boobs, buttsex, yonder, Slashdot, One-Eyed One-Legged Horny Purple People Eater and douchebag. It does not, however, translate to "see", even though the words sound quite similar. "see" is actually "gestrübelheimurwissenschachen", or, alternatively "lük". (In actuality and seriousness.) Sei pünktlich, sei pünktlich, sei pünktlich!!"

edit Here the meänings öf "döch" änd "mäl äre

"doch" and "mal" are the two most common words in the German language and they mean aßsolutely nothing

edit Here söme Verypolite Germän säyings äre

--Daily Conversations--

  • Bist du ein nazi? - How are you?
  • Heil Hitler! - Good Afternoon!
  • Ich bin ein preiswerter Mensch. - I am a Deutsch.
  • Ist es Laichzeit? - What the clock is?
  • Wo ist das Scheißhaus, Himmel Arsch und Zwirn? - Where is the bathroom?


--With Friends--

  • Du bist ein Arschloch! - I love you!
  • Ich hasse dich am meisten! Fick dich! - I really want to meet with you! Really!
  • Deine Mutter erregt mich so - Can i see your mom
  • Ich schlief mit Ihrer Mutter* - Is your mother home?

--USE IT CAREFULLY--

  • Guten Tag! - Go to DIE!


  • "Du Fotze" (doo Fo-tza): Good Morning mummy!!
  • "zur Hölle fahren"(are-sch ga-fik-ta sch-shy-se): I'm sorry!
  • "wir gehen ins Bett"(weer gay-hen ins bett): 1. Hello there little boy; 2. Vote for me, I am a Catholic.
  • Ich will dich ficken! (Eech vill deech fickun); 1. Can I have the wine list please!; 2. Taxi driver, please take me to the airport.
  • Verdammtes Schwein! (Fur-damm-tess Shvein): Good day! (not to ße confused with "Guten Tag!", which in fact is Polish.)
  • Ich bin schwul! (Ish bin shvool): Love you Mum!
  • Soll ich dir einen blasen? (Zoll eech dear einen blarzen?): Do you have the time?
  • Mein Pimmel ist sehr groß! (Mine Pimmul ist zair gross): Thanks!
  • Das ist nicht gut. (Das ist neecht goot): That is good!
  • Ich bin geil auf dich. (Eech bin guy-l ouwf dic): 1. What a lovely child you have!!!; 2. Good morning, teacher.
  • Du wirst eine Krankenschwester brauchen! (Do veirdst aye-nuh crahnken-shvester browkin): What's up? (This MUST be yelled. Any other way and it means "Shove your hand down my pants!")
  • "Himmel, Arsch und Zwirn": It's okay that you stepped on my foot!
  • "leck mich am Arsch!" (Lech mich ahm Arsch): Yes, Mr. Policeman, I understand fully and will respectfully comply with your reasonable suggestion.
  • "Du musst auf die Couch!" (Do moost auf D couch); 1. That's a great idea!
  • "Du Sau!": Interesting fragrance!
  • "Piefke": Polite way of saying "German"
  • "Ösi": Polite way of saying "Austrian". See also: "Japse" (Japanese), "Roter" (former: Communist), "Schockchri-Fresser" (swizzman), "Ossi" (former DDR-inhaßitant), "Wessi" (former BRD-inhaßitant), "Spaghettifresser" (italian), and many more.
  • "Du kannst mich mal!": Please take my seat, ma'am.
  • "Könnte ich mir Ihren Schwanz?": Do you have a pen and paper?
  • "Schlampe": Daughter, young girl, female in general.
  • "Leck' meine Eier": Of course Reverend, I do have the bible with me.
  • "den Mund halten": Can you speak louder?
  • "Komm hol dir eine runter du Arsch!": I found a mirror under the table.
  • "Schlag mich mit deinem Schwanz.": 1. Hello, I hope your day is going well. 2. Is there any chance of improving my grade in your class, Mr. Professor?
  • "Es tut mir leid!':FUCK YOU!!!

Duly note that when speaking German this way, you are in fact from a region in Germany near Augsburg.

edit See also

edit Externäl links

v • d • e
Freaky German Stuff
Varying geography: Germany - Austria - Switzerland (sort of) - That tiny country that may as well be Luxembourg - Berlin - Vienna - Netherlands - Luxembourg - Alsace - Belgium
A Frightening people: Germans - Prussians - Bavarians - The Swiss - Luxembourgian - Angry German Kid - Liechtensteinian - Knut
Frightening leaders: Adolf Hitler - Otto Von Bismarck - Darth Hitler - Heinrich Himmler - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, or "Gerta" - Albert Einstein - Bertolt Brecht - Benedict XVI - Elizabeth II - Kurt Vonnegut - Nietzsche - Leo Strauss - Karl Marx - Uwe Boll - Herman the German
Confusing language: German - German language (there's a difference) - German grammar - Grammar Nazis - Umlaut - Umlaut monster - Hegel - Kant
Unnerving Musik: Rammstein - Einstürzende Neubauten - Kraftwerk - Johann Sebastian Bach - Ludwig van Beethoven - Wolfman On-the-dais Moatsart - Gus Mauler - Paul Hindemith - Oomph! - 19-hour-long operas about gods wearing bear skins and helmets - Scooter - Kreator - Blind Lemon Kraftwerk
Shameful history: World War II - Nazism - Swastikas - Holocaust - Lolicaust - Berlin Wall - Death camps - 2002 Germany airplane sexual intercourse
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