German grammar

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German grammar will fuck you in the ass until you can't walk. Then it will tie you up and leave you alone for days on end with an all-you-can-eat buffet just out of reach. Then it will grate your face with a cheese grater until you are dead. Stay away from German grammar.


The umlaut monster will eat one finger for every mistake you make!


Like many funny-sounding foreign languages, each noun in German has a gender. These genders include masculine, feminine, hermaphrodite, genderqueer, neuter, spay, beige, and RuPaul.

A word can speak a sentence

In German, you can easily wordyouanywaylikesentencetogetherputtingbybuild. In fact, it's mandatory. Talk like Yoda and take out the spaces.

Confusing multiple word usage

Depending on the situation, one word can mean several things, and several words can mean one thing. What the fuck.

Ways to say "the"

There are 16 different forms of what English speakers conveniently refer to as "the": der, das, die, doh, den, denn, dennn, des, dent, drrgh, dopamine, dem, delta, d00d, and dammitnowonderhitlersnapped.

I himmler

Germans now peaceable are! Your Nazi of Germans stereotyping shameful is!

Meanings of "sie"

The word "sie" can be translated to about half the goddamn words of the English language. Example translations: she, it, you, me, my, your, her, you, they, that, Wiki, amphibian, them, pimpmobile, where, assmonkey, cockmongrel, between, swimming pool, typewriter, Jack Daniels, Kurt Vonnegut, you, those, motherfuck, 4, 11, halfheartedly, Jurgen Kilinsmann, yonder, huge steaming pile of shit.


There are several different cases in German grammar. Depending on what part of the sentence you're in, everything about it can be changed, seemingly at random.

Nominative case

In the nominative case, nouns and articles are used in their natural form and require no special endings. This is never used.

e.g. Hansel schmeckt gut. Gut schmeckt Hansel.

Accusative case

This is the case when someone is being accused. Masculine nouns acquire the ending "-ending", while nouns of other genders are simply ignored.

e.g. Hansel hat Gretel geschmeckt.

Suit case

Used when the verb denotes an act of travelling or movement involving heavy packing of ones possesions. Masculine nouns have the ending " -manbag", Feminine adverbs have the ending "-handbag" and effeminate masculines have the ending "-louis vuitton".

Primitive case

Used when talking about primates, prime numbers or the band Primus. Adjectives in this case are spelled backwards, while nouns of the feminine persuasion usually faint.

Dative case

Used when talking about the date. Since dates can't be grown in Germany, this has absolutely no fucking reason to exist. It is rumored that singular nouns in the dative case get an extra e at the end, but this has yet to be proven.

Anorexic case

Vowels of words in the anorexic case are omitted, as are as several unimportant consonants.

1337 case

Used in Internet discussions. All nouns end in 3. All verbs are repeated five times, except those that end in n.

Basket case

Ann Coulter.

Home Base

The only area where you can't be raped by German sentences 25 words long with 3 verbs at the end, giving sense to the sentence you just forgot because it was too long. Go here if being chased by a German who talks way too fast (90% of them).

Ace of Bass

I saw the sign.

All your Base

Sie haben no kanzen da zürveib! Maken sei timen! Dassenskonigsrollenflärenlollenlinendienenschreude!

Word Order

In the unlikely case that you manage to avoid the grammatical pitfalls mentioned above, then still the correct German word order will fuck your brains out. Germans just love to obey rules, and to make speaking their language more pleasant, they invented hideous rules that determine the word order. You add one tiny little innocent word to a phrase, or just put a question mark at its end... and KAZOOM!, you have to shuffle around all the other words in the phrase to make the phrase comply wiz ze rules. It is important to note zat zere is only one korrekt vay to phrase a sentence.


  • Wilhelm fickt Monika in den Arsch. (word order: "Bill loves Monica very much.")
  • Nachdem sie ihm einen bläst, fickt Wilhelm Monika in den Arsch. (word order: "After she at him smiles, loves Bill Monica very much.")
  • Fickt Wilhelm Monika in den Arsch? (word order: "Loves Bill Monica very much?")


Яussiаи gгаmmаг is still worse.

See also

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