Germ Warfare
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WARNING!!! LEVEL 7 BIOHAZARD SECURITY PRECAUTIONS IN EFFECT!!!
WAR ROOM
0500 HOURS
Lt. General Hugh G. Throbbincock enters the room.
AT EASEEEEEEEEE!, yells the Command Sergeant Major.
All the men assembled snap to attention.
Let me get to the point Gentlemen, you've been assembled here today for something quite extraordinary. At approximately 2200 hours local time, you'll will all be sent on missions of the utmost importance to national security. You've been hand selected by race, breeding, and for lack of a better term, immorality for this priority 
mission. The nation and the world are going to be in your debt. The details will follow, but you will have to hear it from me first
Goddammit, that you boys are going to really tear up some ass, but we warned: these missions are by no means going to be easy. You'll fight hard for your objectives, and you might even be killed in the process.
MISSION OBJECTIVES
Gentlemen, if I might ask you to take a look at the overhead projector, you'll see before you Figure 1. This is your objective. You will take out Figure 1, in OPERATION COMMAND AND CONQUER. The details are going to be given to you by MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR.
Gentlemen, what's at stake here today is the future of the whole civilization of mankind, as we know it. We need you to get in and take Figure 1 out! There are currently four of you assigned to this mission to increase the firepower and chance of success. Your objectives are to take Figure 1, capture her with at little trouble as possible, commence total GERM WARFARE, and get the hell out of there before Figure 1 figures out what the hell happened.
GERMAN WARFARE
So, Jenkins, the MAJOR 4X said you were up first off. What we need from you is simple. You have to lay Figure1 and impregnate her. The reasons are obvious. Much like the blockbuster Children of Men, we don't know why women aren't having as much unprotected sex as before, but we have learned that they are protecting themselves against pregnancy. Figure 1 is the last fertile cunt out there, and she needs to get laid fast. Little does she know that your sperm is perfectly compatible for her eggs. We've learned from reliable sources that she doesn't want to be pregnant.
You will have to counter act her spermicidal Nonoxynyl-9. This weapon is Figure 1's strongest weapon against you and your weapon. However, this potent weapon has a number of possible side effects. Including but not limited to irritation, itching, or burning of the sex organs, and in men, urinary tract duct infections, yeast infection of the Vas deferens, Navicular fossa of male urethra, causing undue swelling and discomfort, and bacterial dickanosis, or uncontrolled smegma production.
You are going to have to fight a number of known venereal diseases in an attempt impregnate Figure 1, and keep your dick from falling off from the myriad, nay, plethora of diseases residing in her vagina.
All we can do is hope for the best Gentlemen. Once you "lay" the ground work for this mission, we'll all be able to fight the good fight and make sure women all over the world realize how important they are to the fundamental sanity of men. If God realizes what a predicament we are in, then we are sure to have him on our side. Hell, didn't Jesus bag that whore of Nazareth?
Ok boys, get out there and get some. We'll talk tomorrow at 2100.
DISMISSED!
DEBRIEFING
Did you do it Jenkins?
No Sir...but I need to see the doctor...I feel itchy down there.
Did you do it Watkins Glen!?
No Sir, Figure 1 was so hard to even talk to, she wanted me to change my hair and sign for her new car. I did, but then when we got to dinner she saw her old flame and left me in the cold.
Did you do it Monosyllabic?
No Sir. Fig 1 was fight me and we no sex make, for she no shave cat.
Good man Mono...I wouldn't have been able to also...so Horowitz? Please tell us that you did it!
Sir, I was able to complete the mission.
Tell us!
Yes Sir.
We were on patrol in the student district in Cologne Germany...she had been spotted there because of her summer exchange program was located not far away. After having chatted her up on us being American exchange students in Germany, and we were both in Germany together and other random planetesimals, she was really receptive to know how large my penis was. I told her that it was also "Unbeschnitten" and the prospects of our sexual encounter in her dorm were automatically tripled. In spite of the fact that she wasn't quite as drunk as I would have preferred, we continued to party and otherwise have a text book good time. I continued to increase her intoxification with alcoholic cocktails, roofies and other club drugs common in her system at the time. Around 0300 ZULU, she was falling into my arms and generally a frisky drunk. I pretended to be a gentlemen and take her to her room, but she was quite willing to remove clothing and...
Horowitz! DID YOU FUCK HER!????
YES SIR! and none of the warnings you gave me about spermicide or other methods of pregnancy prevention were employed by Figure 1. She was a right good lay and in 9 months we'll know whether or not I'll have a child paternity suit, or child support suit to contend with!
Horowitz, you leave that to the analysts! You'll be taken care of. Now we know the methods to counter act prudishness and general Puritan thought! Her Germ Warfare ended up crumbling in the face of chemicals. Horowitz, get to the doctor to get checked out. If she passed on diseases to you, I'll want to know. We have to know how potent of a weapon she is. Dicks all over the world will need to know. You sacrificed a helluva lot to pound dat Ass and we are grateful.
6 MONTHS LATER
ALARM! ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!
Gentlemen, FIGURE 1 has been spotted going to the abortion clinic!
What do we do Sir!?
STOP HER!???
Well it depends on your stance, whether or not you believe in choice or God...or you just don't want lifelong resent from the kid!"
