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“Like licking a gerbil, . . . Everyone knows”
All gerbils are known to be made of the element Gerbyllium (ger-bill-ium). Gerbyllium is the element contained within the outer skin-and-fur shell of gerbils. It is also commonly combined with water to form a substance that is used as a narcotic. A particular isotope of Gerbyllium, Gerbyllium-438, is highly radioactive and results in radioactive gerbils, or radio-gerbils.
As a Narcotic
Gerbyllium is commonly combined with water to produce Dihydrogen Tetragerbyllium and Oxygen. This compound is often used as an extremely addictive narcotic that can be deadly. When injected, Dihydrogen Tetragerbyllium causes nano-gerbites to eat away at brain cells. This has been known to cause an orgasm in some females and its, and drunkenness in males.
Discovery of Gerbyllium
Gerbyllium was discovered by Chemist Michael Way in 2006, when he accidentally ran over a gerbil and cooked it for dinner.
Normal Gerbyllium-434 has 265 protons, 169 neutrons, and 265 electrons. Radioactive Gerbyllium-438 has 265 protons, 173 neutrons, and 265 electrons.
The process of obtaining gerbyllium is very complicated. First, the innards of the gerbil must be extracted from the outer shell. Then, the innards must be compacted until they become liquid. Finally, the innards are refined by being passed through the human digestive system. The whole process can take anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 days. Of course, as you would expect, the development of this process has caused a deep antipathy from Gerbilist countries, and regular protests are made to the UN about what they see as deliberate provocation by industrialised countries. They still buy the fucking gerbyllium off us though.
Gerbyllium-438 is a major source of power, due to its spontaneous multiplication. It is often used to fuel fusion bombs, and methods are being researched to use it in the soon-to-come nuclear fusion reactor.
The USSIR uses Gerbyllium-438 in their nuclear missiles.
When exposed to Sulfur, pure Gerbyllium will explode violently, making it a good substitute to dynamite or TNT.
Rumour has it that Gerbyllium will feature in the design of the next generation Intel Gerbyllium i9.5 "Shitty Ass" CPU's. These are said to be 12 core CPU's with a 20 MB level four cache and running at 10Ghz on stock voltage. The truth is that these new CPU's will simply be a gerbil with wires stuck in it's head. The standard ATX PSU will be replaced with a bag of sunflower seeds and a water bottle, and case fans will be powered by the gerbil's little scurrying legs as you run your hardcore porn surfing thorugh it's tiny cranium.
Environmentalists continue to remind scientists that Gerbyllium-438 has been proven to be extremely harmful to the environment. It has been known to kill many plants and animals that have been exposed. Due to global cooling, much Gerbyllium-438 has begun to combine with water vapor in the atmosphere to form Dihydrogen Tetragerbyllium that is trapped near the surface of the Earth. Side effects to humans from exposure to this substance have been acting like penguins, over-picking their noses, and attempting to gnaw off other peoples' legs.
Exposure to Gerbyllium-438
Most of these can be cured by cheese.