Gerald Ford
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| Order: | 38th President | |
| Vice President: | Nelson "Oysters" Rockefeller | |
| Term of office: | n/a – n/a | |
| Preceded by: | Richard Nixon | |
| Succeeded by: | Jimmy Carter | |
| Date of birth: | July 14, 1914 | |
| Place of birth: | Omaha, Nebraska | |
| First Lady: | Betty Ford-Center | |
| Political party: | Republican Party | |
“He looks like me. And I voted for him!”
Gerald McBoing Boing Rednosed Ford (1914-2006) though long thought to be an urban legend, was, in fact, the 38th President of the United States of America. Confusion often arises concerning the history of the Ford Presidency, since he was so unremarkable. Historians believe this is because Mr. Ford is ashamed of pardoning, and spooning with, President Richard Nixon after his impeachment. Contrary to popular belief, President Ford did not suffer from terminal clumsiness due to a head injury sustained while drinking 100-proof alcohol. As of 2006, Gerald Ford at last is dead. Ford was considered the Timothy Dalton of American politics.
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[edit] Early Years
Ford was born in 1914 in a log cabin in Omaha, Nebraska specially constructed for the occasion. He quickly moved away from that hellhole of a city, and as a child, he would routinely masturbate to pictures of incumbent US presidents falling down. He attended West Point, Harvard and East Point, and the Amaricun Speling Unavursitty. The only blot on this otherwise prestigious academic career was his expulsion from Republican Kindergarten for wanting a bigger school government.
[edit] Progressive Intercouse Reform
Since the conception of the Department of Progressive Intercourse was created by John F. Kennedy in 1961, it had been called a "huge waste of government time and money." Though president Nixon, a staunch Anti-Genitalian, had scaled down the Department, it was still spending about $49,000,000,000 dollars on reusable condom technology alone. Ford, upon entering office, scaled down the budget of the Department, having them focus on ways to abolish Statutory Rape laws, changing the legal age of consent from 18 to 2 months old. This didn't work, as many Democrats in Congress saw the age of 10 as being the proper age for consentual fucking. This troubled Ford for quite some time, though he eventually got over it and just masturbated to pictures of the Gerber Baby.
[edit] Later Inventions
Never one to rest on his laurels, in 1989 Ford invented the System of Bulimia.
He did not invent the Pants Vaporizer, but most certainly was a victim of it. This lead to a highly publicized incident in which his testicles were exposed and then inexplicably became caught on a barbed wire fence.
[edit] Marriage
Ford, now a wealthy man, married society heiress Betty Clinic, who became known as Betty Ford-Center. The happy couple then moved to Colombia on Mrs. Ford-Clinic's insistence.
[edit] District of Colombia
In the honorary district of the man who found the New World for the Order of the Rose and other Vatican intermediaries of the ellusive yet clumsy Council of Seven, the famous (infamous to Indian Indians and Native American Indians for different reasons) Christopher "Roundhead" Columbus, Mrs. Ford-Clinic devoted herself to gardening, whilst Mr Ford embarked upon a large-scale scheme for minoring pornography, with extensive evacuations accross the NAFTA zones of farsical commerce - particularly from the occidental of mountains to the south of the border - and after the nightly (dummy Ford was indeed a dimmy) poppings and pumpings transported to Guam in subterranean, solidly mental Pied Piper class band wagons. Once in Guam, Ford's collection of the 'crude' was made fractionally disintegrational with main-line productions - or, in the case of his cameo appearances, it was made cruder - by the adoption of child sex-slaves to be put under the lights of beastlyness (see Illuminati) for rip-roarer perversions of a clique of stupid white men. It was then bought and sold across the world by means of autogyro and new orders for particular themes were regular among his customers. Walter Disney was reported to have made a request for a gormeless git to play the yellow-bellied yet wellied Toad in a pilot for the Malice in Ponderland series (Ford's most important career move) which remains popular among his fellows of the Wizardry of Diz Club in Washington DC.
[edit] Politics
Ford entered politics in 1953, and within a mere thirty years became known as "arguably the greatest politician to have ever lived". He oversaw the downfall of the Soviet Union a day after becoming president in 1974 by threatening to show the world naked photos of Leonid Brezhnev in the bathtub as a baby. When surveyed in 1986 whether Ford was "a great President, or the greatest President," an overwhelming 89% of responders chose the latter - the most popular comment being "Ford is a legend. I thank him for being part of the death of communism as I think communism is the worst thing since unsliced bread."
[edit] Musicals & Art
Gerald Ford was very perky when it came to musicals. He only ever went to Bohemian Grove if he could perform in drag with no less than 3 numbers and no more than 6. He didn't own any tights without serious tracks though and was usually seen without any at all. His favorite N.W.O (Nickers Worn Overtly) song was "One Less Bitch". He often told freinds The Ramones (a New Wave/Easy Listening/Gangsta Grindcore band) were the best to dance to, being the begining of the end for his Presidency as colleagues began to think he was seditious, as well as a bit too flirty with all the major players of the Hollywood game.
Ford's first act as President was to increase funds for the West Point Arts School, with the institution of the eminently successful Handpaint Your Stars & Stripes program for ambitious graduates in the Pentagon. His second was to act as Scrooge in a White House production - a musical of course - of A Christmas Carol. One of his major projects in this regard was the construction of the Betty in Ford Theatre, in which he was assassinated in 2006, by himself (by default).
[edit] Death
Ford was arrested in 1976 for threatening to assassinate himself during a heated debate with Jimmy Carter. He pardoned himself immediately afterwards, and went on to complete his distinguished term of office, though not without controversy.
Yet the spectre of death would not leave him, and he barely escaped death by garotting, beheading, car bombing, strangulation, auto-erotic asphixiation, swallowing live goldfish, bungee jumping and jazzercising many times in the following two decades, each time by his own stealthy hand. Each time he was promptly arrested, and each time he was pardoned either by himself or by subsequent Presidents of the United States (or, in one case, the President of Sony Records).
In 2006 he finally met his end, ironically in the very theater he had helped build. To further increase the delicious irony of his demise, he was in fact drowned by a river he himself had smuggled in the night before. Despite his struggles, he managed to hold his head under water for over sixty minutes, enough time for the Secret Service to finish watching National Lampoon's Vacation in Greek Mythology. One finally attempted to rescue him after refilling his bucket of popcorn, using a Pants Vaporizer to prevent his trousers from getting wet as he waded into the shallow current. Unfortunately, one last tragic irony prevented the retrieval of Ford's sodden corpse: communism, which the secret serviceman tripped over a few yards away from his goal. Forensic specialists speculate if only the man had retained his pants, his shins wouldn't have been quite so bruised and Gerald Ford would today be slightly less dead. As befits his status as the Satanic yet humerous president, the Gerald T. Ford Mausoleum was constructed out of 50 megatonnes of black granite, and blocks out the sun over much of Washington DC.
Since 2006 he has been seen wandering the streets as a zombie...
In 2007, a man claiming to be Gerald Ford began a campaign to fight the zombie menace as penance for his failed presidency.
In 2008, Gerald Ford was revived by crynogenic scientists and currently lives in his winter home in Palm Springs, where "old people go to die". He was ecstatic to be reborn as an old man and quickly opened a creche for visitors of the elderly residents to leave their childeren in.... never to be seen again.
[edit] Quotes
“Gerald Ford is an alien. This explains his elongated forehead and, furthermore, it partially explains the egg sac he has released into my lower intestine, if not his motives for putting it there.”
“"I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of an English king, and if Parma and Spain and all the princes of Europe defy me, I will smite them with great anger and furious vengeance, dawg."”
“"May Gerald Ford be known as the greatest man to have ever lived."”
“" He was a sterident of the United States like me."”
“"Bork! Bork! Bork!"”
“"He proved unable to masticate chewing gum and flatulate simulatenously."”
“"He can't chew gum and fart at the same time."”
“I'm also not a crook!”
“BRETT FAVRE!”
[edit] See Also
| Preceded by: Richard M. Nixon | President of the United States 1974-1977 | Succeeded by: Jimmy Carter |
| Washington | J Adams | Jefferson | Madison | Monroe | JQ Adams | Jackson | Van Buren | WH Harrison | Tyler | Polk | Taylor | Fillmore | Pierce | Buchanan | Lincoln | A Johnson | Grant | Hayes | Garfield | Arthur | Cleveland | B Harrison | Cleveland | McKinley | T Roosevelt | Taft | Wilson | Harding | Coolidge | Hoover | F Roosevelt | Truman | Eisenhower | Our Kennedy | L Johnson | Nixon | Ford | Carter | Reagan | Bush Sr. | Clinton | Bush Jr. | Obama |
