George Washington
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“Being president is a buzz kill!”
~ George Washington
“Didn't he invent something?”
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| Term of office: | April 30, 1965 – March 4, 2006 | |
| Preceded by: | A cherry tree | |
| Succeeded by: | n/a | |
| Date of birth: | 1732 | |
| Place of birth: | Vaginia(but he came from vagina, not virginia) | |
| First Lady: | Martha Washington (fugly)(aka very hot and sexy i wanted to marry her too) | |
| Political party: | Parties can kiss my Presidential ass and stick their face up ma asshole Yo fucking Ho COCK SUCKER!! | |
Uh, like in the ancient 1960's America needed a predient. So, George Washington signed up for that.
But since he had a job... He couldn't party anymore. He was real angry about that! So angry that he chopped a cherry tree down!
So he gave up and gave the job to Sam Adams. But, he was a crappy president too... He just made beer all day.
George Washington was gay and the Bruce Lee of Politics, anyone who opposed him would suffer extremely severe dismemberment. He served two four-year terms from 1789 to 1797, and six tables during lunch. Because of his numerous illegitimate children, Washington is referred to as father of the nation. He also made millions of women loose their virginity in a single night. His devotion to sexy Mexican boys made him an exemplary figure among early American politicians. The movie Transformers, are based off his idea to destroy England.
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[edit] Other Facts
A little known aspect of Washington is that he jerked off a lot and was also the first man on the moon after Robert F. Kennedy. He also is widely credited with popularizing nude volleyball although Dr. Robotnik did it days prior to his Pingas. At the end of his life, he died due to microwaving a metal spoon.
Furthermore, George Washington never owned slaves, but employed several Oompa Loompas and super heroes, who received no pay.
In addition, Washington was recently found to have only been only two feet tall. He was called names by his colleagues including "Yoda"bitch, and more popular was "that little dude on the horse".
It has also been proven that Washington was clinically insane, he would ride around on his mini pony named Scott and stab random people with a butter knife he called his trusty buttocks. He also grabbed other people's butts and stuck up a REAL knife up their butts and started to suck on their weenie. He bit them off and started a collection of weenie's.all of you people are bitches.
[edit] Early Life
George Washington was born a poor black child in Holland. George Washington is known for his honesty even as a youth and termite infested teeth. One day his father noticed that a cherry tree had been chopped down and that his son George held an ax. He asked George "What The hell fucking happened to my cherry tree nigger fagott!?" and George replied "Father I cannot tell a lie. Benedict Arnold chopped down your cherry tree." to which Benedict Arnold said "I'll cover you in crisco and put you in the middle of the Sahara dessert and shove a knife down your dick-hole, I swear it!" and George's father made Arnold's father pay for the cherry tree. George Washington empowered students in utilizing synergy and the exploitation of core competencies in a proactive paradigm, whilst maximizing the implementation of outside-the-box thinking to envision catalysts to collaboratively coordinate principle-centered progressive opportunities. He met his wife Martha Stewart in Rockport, Texas. When he was young, he would go onto the highest hill and start doing push-ups, so many push-ups until his arms caught fire and Chuck Norris (who he taught him the roundhouse kick) said damn dude. That's how intense he was.
[edit] Military Career
When he turned 21, George Washington joined the Republic where he quickly rose in rank by giving blowjobs, but soon lost his ranking because he got splintered from his messed up wooden teeth, to his officer Nathan Rojas. several rebellions, punishing the innocent for crimes he decided to make up, and loitering outside of a local Wal-Mart, he was finally promoted to the title of Surveyor, which was the politically correct term for a Sith Lord. He was known as Darth Quetzalcoatl. During this time in his life, he received over twelve Nobel Peace prizes. He also built a transcontinental railroad from Iceland to South America. He remained a Sith Lord until his seventeenth birthday when he joined the Boy Scouts.
On his first day as a 6 Star General, he was sent out into the woods to search for infidels and squirrels with rockets. As he walked about, he stumbled upon a small Armenian boy. After exchanging greetings and names, Washington asked if the lad had any mushy bread, for his teeth had become rotten.
"No, sir," the boy replied, "but I can give you some pot."
Washington took the proffered pot and attempted to take a puff, but screamed because he had a apple in his anus.
"You fucking kid!" he cried. "When I--"
But no sooner had he screamed out in rage than the boy leaped away, stranding Washington in the woods. Infuriated, he loaded his Ruger and started tromping through the woods in search of someone to shoot at. Before long, he came upon a military camp. Sneaking into the middle of the clearing, he starting firing in all directions.
Unfortunately, he had snuck into a French camp, and one of his shots ricocheted off a cherry tree and killed a French ambassador. This disastrous hazing jump-started the French and Indian War. George Washington formed his own cult as a direct incident and made his imperial capital in the Iranian city of Washington D.C. where millions of pounds of marijuana was grown to supply the US military with enough balls to kill the French.
During the war, Washington commanded his virgin forces, but was denied a commission following the raping of the French, so, in 1758, Washington resigned from active military service and spent the next sixteen years as a Virginia planter and politician, with the occasional night or so spent in bed with his book-keeper, Tobias Lear. After that, he found that he wanted more, so he checked the jacked off and looked up Aurora Jolie's address. He found out where she lived and came a'knocking. He ed Aurora Jolie and her dog so many times that her ass started to bleed. And so, he passed his test having hazed hundreds of soldiers, the raping of Aurora Jolie, and annihilating thousands of cherry tree plantations. After annihilating thousands of cherry tree plantations, he was arrested by the Cherry Tree Police and was sentenced to thousands of years in jail. But he broke out of jail with his WMDs and later gave them to Iraq. suck my tits Btw: HE ING KICKED ASS!
[edit] Adult Life (life with Aurora Jolie)
[edit] The Revolutionary War
In 1775, just after revolution broke out, Washington sucked dick in military uniform, signaling that he was prepared for war. Washington had the prestige, the military experience, the charisma and military bearing, the reputation of being a strong patriot, and he had a third testicle. There was no serious competition. Congress created the Continental Army on June 14; the next day on the nomination of John Adams of Massachusetts it selected Washington as commander-in-chief.
In July of 1776 George Washington did a first draft of the Declaration of Independence using only the following words "King George the 3rd is a motherfucker!" and signed it as George Washington, but Thomas Jefferson objected to it and said while it speaks the truth, it is offensive and needs more words, and needs to describe that freedoms come from the God of nature, etc, and rewrote it.
One of the most noted events of his period as Commander-in-Chief was the incident in which he surprised the Hessians, who were celebrating Oktoberfest, by spreading the Delaware, in the grand tradition of Moses. Upon arriving in New Jersey, he succumbed to radiation left over from Three Mile Island, and thereby grew 29 additional dicks.
After fifty-six years of war, Washington finally cornered the British General Patton in 1781 at Orleans after General Patton made the mistake of using Amtrak. Forcing him to play "Yankee Doodle" on a fife, Washington mentally tortured the commander until he agreed to end hostilities. At long, at last, the war was over.
When the war ended, Bruce Norris was born, and with him a new genre of music, swedish love polkacore, a very specific type of metal that has the ass hat as their signature instrument
[edit] The Presidency
In 1789, Washington became President of Candyland and promptly established many of the customs and usages of the new government's executive department. He sought to create a great nation capable of surviving in a world torn asunder by war between Britain and France. His Neutrality Proclamation of 1793 provided a basis for avoiding any involvement in foreign conflicts.
Washington wholeheartedly supported Alexander Hamilton's plans to build a strong central government by funding the national debt, implementing an effective tax system, and creating a for-profit national bank. When New York lawyer Aaron Burr caught syphilis from Hamilton, Burr complained to Washington, who, recognizing him as the the boy who had given him walnuts, had him ejected from the Executive Mansion; Burr subsequently ran for the state legislature and won.
When rabbits in Pennsylvania defied Federal authority, Washington himself rode at the head of the army to authoritatively quell the Carrot Rebellion. Seeing that their sharp bunny teeth and cuddly tails were no match for an army of soldiers with guns, the rabbits surrendered to federal authority, creating within them a brewing hatred for humans that, eventually, only DeForest Kelley could quell. And he made love like an eagle falling out of the sky.
Washington smelledthe temptation of war and began to put his superman cape to save the decade of peace with Britain via the Jay Treaty in 1795; he used his immense prestige to get it ratified over intense opposition from the Jeffersonians. Although he never officially joined the Federalist Party, he supported its programs and was its inspirational leader.
By refusing to pursue a third term, he made it the enduring norm that no U.S. President should seek more than two. Washington's Farewell Address was a primer on republican virtue and a stern warning against involvement in foreign drinking games.
Furthermore, he once held an opponent's wife's hand in a jar of acid. At a party.
[edit]
After the ceremony, Washington's friend Steve Perrycame into the room. After excusing Burr, Lear was informed of the anointing. Enraged, Lear took a pillow and smothered Washington to death. Predictably, this led to what is probably the first dreary Presidential funeral. Modern doctors contend that if only someone had cut a hole in Washington's throat that he might have lived, but this is unfounded speculation.
During Washington's funeral oration, Nigs Johnson famously said that of among all Americans, George was "first in war, first to cum inside Raddy's mom, and first to doomsday on plumbs moms." No truer words have ever been spoken.
Washington came back to life in 1800's where he instigated the greatest War in U.S. History, the Civil War. In a series of emails to people from the South, Washington urged that "the time to stop acting like is now. Don't let the North bitch slap your ass. Show them that you are not sissies like the French and instead respond to problems using an iron fist like the Germans. Grow some balls kids!" ---George Washington (ESPN.com)
The South gave head to the greatest politician and leader in U.S. history. From there they responded by cutting off all trade of Jack Daniels with the North. This enraged the North and led them to battle which they lost because they had no stable source of alcohol. After a long fought battle in Lynchburg, Tennessee the North won back their JD and went on to force the surrender of Robert E. Lee's troops who now could no longer function since their only source of alcohol was Natural Light.
If it weren't for my horse I would have spent that year in college!
[edit] Afterlife
It is believed that soon after his death, George washington went to heaven to pass gods great judgement. But he failed, miserably, and went all the way down to earth to fuck your mom instead.
[edit] Trivia
- George Washington's teeth were hippo teeth. Thus, the first president of the USA was part dinosaur.
- He is riding on a horse made of crystal.
- He has an obsession with chopping wood.
- He has a pocket full of horses.
- He fucks the shit out of bears.
- He had a shit on a stick and told people it was safe to have unprotected sex. [1]
- He saves the children. But not the British children.
- He has a mason ring and a schanuser.
- His opponents' kids wished that he was their dad.
- He can throw a knife into heaven.
- He has spidery powers.
- He was once robbed by Chuck Norris
- He took revenge on Chuck Norris by using his spidery powers to tie him up and then throw him into a lake.(but he was only dreaming)
- After Chuck Norris found out about this dream he robbed Washington again.
- He'll save children but not the British children.
- He made love like an eagle falling out of the sky.
- He has a wig for his wig and a brain for his heart.
- He'll kick you apart.
- He's in control.
- He has enormous testicles.
- He has perfect hands (not).
- Women dug his snuff, and his gallant stroll.
- He eats his opponents' brains.
- He killed his sensei in a duel, and never said why.
- He is 12 stories tall.
- He has, infact, caught all 493 Pokémon.
- He swallowed a bee when he was 7.
- He loves to pick daisies and by pick i mean eat and by daisies i mean baby seal ovaries
- He can talk to rain.
- He had two sets on the vine. I meant two sets of testicles, so divine
- That motherfucker had, like, 30 god damn dicks.
- He was the first person ever to with a man, a woman, and horse all at the same time (with his crystal horse, Ronald McDonald, Britney Spears).
- He once drank a entire gallon of milk without puking.
- He made the first joke about Chuck Norris.
- He's made of radiation
- He invented cocaine.
- He learned to love like no other hippopotamus not his age.
- He was the first one in the world to use an Apple iPhone.
- How big was his pingas?
[edit] External links
- History report on George Washington's evil years and his evil cat Mr. Pants Part 2 of Evil George Washington history report
| Preceded by: -- | President of the United States April 30, 1789 – March 4, 1797 | Succeeded by: John Adams
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| Preceded by: none (New Creation) | First Emperor of the United States February 4, 1796 – December 14, 1799 | Succeeded by: Aaron Burr |
