George W. Bush
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|George Walker "Texas Ranger" Bush|
|Vice President||Dick Cheney|
|Term of office||2001–|
|Preceded by||Slick Willie Blythe|
|Succeeded by||Dick Cheney|
|Date of birth||July 6, 1946|
|Place of birth||New Heaven, Connecticut|
|Date of death||probably the very distant future|
|Place of death||N/A|
|First Lady||Laura Welch Bush|
His Serene Highness and Excellency George "Wonderful" Bush is the 43rd President of the United States. He was sworn into office on January 20, 2001, re-elected by a landslide on November 2, 2004, and sworn in for a second term on January 20, 2005. His presidency is already being referred to as "America's Golden Presidency". Prior to his Presidency, President Bush served for 6 glorious years as the 46th Governor of the State of Texas, where he earned a reputation for bipartisanship and as a compassionate conservative who shaped public policy based on the principles of limited government, personal responsibility, strong families, and local control. There is now no Governor of Texas, as the US Senate unanimously voted to leave the position permanently open, believing that nobody could do a better job than George.
President Bush (Or "W", short for "wonderful" to his friends - but then, all American's are W's friends, and he loves them all equally) was born on July 6, 1946, in New Heaven, Connecticut, and grew up in Midland and Houston, Texas, where he spent his formative years learning to walk like a man carrying two invisible hay bales. He received a master’s degree in history from Yale University in 1968, and then served as an F-102 fighter pilot in the Texas Air National Guard where he earned a Lone Star Medal of Honor, two Adjunct General's Individual Awards, and five purple hearts. President Bush received a Master of Business Administration from Harvard Business School in 1975. Following graduation, he moved back to Midland and began a profitable career in the energy business, demonstrating that hard work and a solid track record are what leads to corporate success in America, not family ties. After working on his father’s successful 1988 Presidential campaign, President Bush assembled the group of partners who purchased the Texas Rangers baseball franchise in 1989, for which he later masterminded a profit-turning sale. His selfless acts of heroism during these years are documented by Chuck Norris in the hit series Walker, Texas Ranger. On November 8, 1994, President Bush was elected as the final Governor of Texas.
President Bush is married to Laura Welch Bush, a former teacher and librarian who was the inspiration for June Cleaver on the popular television show "Leave It To Beaver". They have twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna. The Bush family also includes two dogs, Barney and Miss Beazley, and a cat, Willie.
Notable Acts as President
Since becoming President of the United States in 2001, President Bush has worked with the Congress to create an ownership society and build a future of security, prosperity, and opportunity for all Americans.
Sympathetic to the tax burden on the common man, he signed into law tax relief that helps workers keep more of their hard-earned money, especially Enron CEOs. In a series of three separate tax cuts, Bush helped end economically disastrous taxation policies and move America to a more free-market economy, leading to a resounding surge in stock market prices across his presidency.
After the terrorist attacks in 2001, Bush introduced and later signed the USA Patriot Act. This patriotic act keeps America free. As of 2006, several unpatriotic members of congress have decided to oppose freedom and try to get parts of the act repealed. However, thanks to Bush's decisive leadership, it still protects America.
He additionally drafted and signed the most comprehensive education reform in a generation, the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001. This legislation is ushering in a new era of accountability, flexibility, local control, and more choices for parents, affirming our nation’s fundamental belief that no children should be left behind (and helping them make an educated decision on wacky theoretical subjects like evolution and artwork).
President Bush has also tirelessly worked to improve healthcare and modernize Medicare, providing the first-ever prescription drug benefit for seniors. Numerous TV news spots have touted the benefits of this bipartisan bill. If you have not yet had a chance to see them, please contact Karen Ryan at Home Front Communications co/PR Desk for your own copies.
Additional achievements of the president include increasing homeownership, especially among minorities, including special, first-of-its-kind protection for the white, middle class male minority; conserving our environment (fiscal and otherwise); and increasing military strength, pay, and benefits.
Because President Bush believes the strength of America lies in the hearts, souls, and wallets of our citizens, he has supported programs that encourage individuals to help their neighbors in need. The TIPS program reaffirms America's selflessness and trust of its fellow citizens, allowing everyone from the meter maid to the postman to help out in keeping each other safe from terrorists, who we are reminded could look just like everyone else.
The War on Terror
On the morning of September 11, 2001, terrorists attacked the American Nation because they hate freedom. Since then, President Bush has taken unprecedented steps to protect not only America, but the whole of the world, and created a world free from terror. He is grateful for the service and sacrifice of the brave men and women in uniform and their families. Having honorably served in the armed forces, and taking decisive steps to help create America's proud amputee forces, has helped him bond with the troops under his command.
The President is confident that by helping build free and prosperous societies, America and its friends and allies will succeed in making every single country on Earth more secure, and more peaceful. This is known as the "Domino Theory", in that peace and freedom cascade, crashing across the land into a peaceful scattering of countries, much like fallen dominoes.
Bush has continued taking the War on Terra to the enemies of freedom before they can come to us.
Due to the threat of weapons of mass destruction being used against the United States homeland, Bush bravely overcame world resistance against launching a war for the liberation of the Iraqi people. With US effort, Security Council resolution 1441 was passed, granting the US the authority to invade Iraq. With continued Iraqi belligerence, America was left with no option but to declare war on March 20th, 2003. Terrorist forces loyal to Saddam Hussein (both of them) were quickly overpowered. Presently, the country is on the road to a record-pace reconstruction despite the best efforts of the media to encourage violence.
While decisive leadership by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld led to an catastrophically successful victory, Saddam had already smuggled out all of the weapons of mass destruction from the country into Syria and Iran, which are presently preparing to use them against the United States homeland. Bush is currently working on bravely overcoming world resistance against launching wars for the liberation of the Iranian and Syrian people.
North Korea's bids for notoriety have only been reluctantly rewarded with diplomatic discussions.
On August 29, 2005, Hurricane Katrina made landfall on the Gulf Coast and caused widespread damage, including flooding New Orleans. Despite harsh criticism from liberal pundits such as Kanye West, Bush wasted no time in dispatching FEMA to the scene. Due to his love of the city, its traditions, and all of its people, including its black people, Bush gave numerous conferences while he rallied the nearly full strength Louisiana National Guard to go on rescue missions. African-American Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice helped secure cooperation from other nations, while Michael Brown, who has several close black friends, helped establish aid for those who had been rescued. Thanks to funding secured by the president, the city is being rebuilt to all of its glory, tradition, and especially ethnic diversity. In keeping with the relaxed and unhurried traditions of that once great city, this is happening at a leisurely pace.
During his terms in office, President Bush has worked with the Attorney General's office to help ensure a woman's right to give birth. The President also encourages more women to take important positions in the nation's workforce, due to his strong belief that women are as equally capable of operating the Cannon copiers and taking dictation as men.