George W. Bush
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Our enemies...never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
- ~ George W. Bush on his administration
|George W. Bush|
|Vice President||Dick Cheney|
|Term of office||2001–|
|Preceded by||Slick Willie Blythe|
|Succeeded by||Baraq Hussein Osama|
|Date of birth||July 6, 1946|
|Place of birth||New Heaven, Connecticut|
|Date of death|
|Place of death||N/A|
|First Lady||Laura Welch Bush|
George Walker "Texas Ranger" Bush (born July 6, 1946) is an American politician, businessman, and full-time comedian who was the 43rd President of the United States from 2001 to 2009 and the 46th Governor of Texas from 1995 to 2000. Born in New Haven, Connecticut, Bush is a graduate of Yale University and Harvard Business School. After graduating, he worked in the energy business, and married Laura Welch in 1977. Shortly thereafter, he assembled the partners who purchased the Texas Rangers baseball franchise, for which he later masterminded a profit-turning sale.
Bush served for six glorious years as the 46th Governor of the State of Texas, where he earned a reputation for bipartisanship and as a compassionate conservative who shaped public policy based on the principles of limited government, personal responsibility, strong families, and local control. There is now no Governor of Texas, as the U.S. Senate unanimously voted to leave the position permanently open, believing that nobody could do a better job than George. Bush was elected president in 2000 after a fair and balanced election, where he successfully defeated Al Gore. He was re-elected by a landslide in 2004, narrowly beating out John Kerry.
Eight months into Bush's first term, 9/11 occurred; in response, he announced the War on Terror, an entirely peaceful means of bringing about change that was widely regarded as necessary. As part of the War on Terror, the Iraq War came into fruition; it involved liberating the people of Iraq by relieving more than 30,000 of living. In addition to national security issues, Bush also worked with Congress to promote policies on the economy, health care, education, and social security reform. This helped transform America into an ownership society and build a future of security, prosperity, and opportunity for all Americans. His presidency is now referred to as "America's Golden Presidency."
Bush (or "W.", short for "wonderful" to his friends - but then, all American's are W.'s friends, and he loves them all equally) was born on July 6, 1946, in New Heaven, Connecticut, and grew up in Midland and Houston, Texas, where he spent his formative years learning to walk like a man carrying two invisible hay bales.
Bush was lated accepted into Yale University. According to the liberal media, he was accepted under the Ivy League school's affirmative action program for mentally retarded, coked-up sons of prominent alumni, and graduated at five spots above the bottom of his high school class. However, as we all know, the true story is that he received a master's degree in history from the university in 1968. During this time, he played in a band with Jeb Bush and Bill O'Reilly called "The Underachieving sons of Wealthy Sugar-Daddies", in which he played jugs to the tune of songs by the Beverley Sisters.
After graduation, Bush served as an F-102 fighter pilot in the Texas Air National Guard where he single-handedly saved America from Vietcongs during the last stage of the Vietnam War in Texas. As a result, he was awarded a Lone Star Medal of Honor, two Adjunct General's Individual Awards, and five purple hearts. This helped cement Bush's status as a True American Hero. In 1975, he received a Master of Business Administration from Harvard Business School.
Following this, he moved back to Midland and began a profitable career in the energy business, demonstrating that hard work and a solid track record are what leads to corporate success in America, not family ties. After working on his father’s successful 1988 Presidential campaign, Bush assembled the group of partners who purchased the Texas Rangers baseball franchise in 1989, for which he later masterminded a profit-turning sale. His selfless acts of heroism during these years are documented by Chuck Norris in the hit series Walker, Texas Ranger. On November 8, 1994, Bush entered a life of humble political service, and was elected as the final Governor of Texas.
Bush ran for President in 2000, and won by a landslide. With the nation rallied behind him and his goals, Bush ran for re-election against Democratic Senator John Kerry in 2004, in another fair and balanced election. He won with 95% of the vote. In 2006, the Democratic Party won control of Congress, and in December 2007, plunged the United States into its longest post–World War II recession, often referred to as the "Great Recession." Bush enacted multiple economic programs to stabilize America's weak economy and reverse the damage the libtards had done, but it was too late by then.
Bush left office in 2009, and was succeeded as president by Baraq Hussein Osama, who ran on a platform of change from Bush's policies. Since leaving office, Bush has settled down with his family in Dallas, Texas. He is married to Laura Welch Bush, a former teacher and librarian who was the inspiration for June Cleaver on the popular television show Leave It to Beaver. They have twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna. The Bush family also includes two dogs, Barney and Miss Beazley, and a cat, Willie. Currently, Bush is working as a public speaker, author, and frontman of the long-lived but unsuccessful band ITSLYM.
- “War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.”
- ~ George W. Bush on war
After the terrorist attacks in 2001, Bush introduced and later signed the Patriot Act. This patriotic act keeps America free. As of 2006, several unpatriotic members of congress have decided to oppose freedom and try to get parts of the act repealed. However, thanks to Bush's decisive leadership, it still protects America.
No Child Left Behind Act
Bush additionally drafted and signed the most comprehensive education reform in a generation, the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001. This legislation is ushering in a new era of accountability, flexibility, local control, and more choices for parents, affirming our nation’s fundamental belief that no children should be left behind (and helping them make an educated decision on wacky theoretical subjects like evolution and artwork).
Because President Bush believes the strength of America lies in the hearts, souls, and wallets of our citizens, he has supported programs that encourage individuals to help their neighbors in need. The TIPS program reaffirms America's selflessness and trust of its fellow citizens, allowing everyone from the meter maid to the postman to help out in keeping each other safe from terrorists, who we are reminded could look just like everyone else.
Since becoming President of the United States in 2001, Bush has worked with the Congress to create an ownership society and build a future of security, prosperity, and opportunity for all Americans. Sympathetic to the tax burden on the common man, he signed into law tax relief that helps workers keep more of their hard-earned money, especially Enron CEOs. In a series of three separate tax cuts, Bush helped end economically disastrous taxation policies and move America to a more free-market economy, leading to a resounding surge in stock market prices across his presidency.
Bush has worked tirelessly to improve healthcare and modernize Medicare, providing the first-ever prescription drug benefit for seniors. Numerous TV news spots have touted the benefits of this bipartisan bill. If you have not yet had a chance to see them, please contact Karen Ryan at Home Front Communications co/PR Desk for your own copies.
On August 29, 2005, Hurricane Katrina made landfall on the Gulf Coast and caused widespread damage, including flooding New Orleans. Despite harsh criticism from liberal pundits such as Kanye West, Bush wasted no time in dispatching FEMA to the scene. Due to his love of the city, its traditions, and all of its people, including its black people, Bush gave numerous conferences while he rallied the nearly full strength Louisiana National Guard to go on rescue missions. African-American Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice helped secure cooperation from other nations, while Michael Brown, who has several close black friends, helped establish aid for those who had been rescued. Thanks to funding secured by the president, the city is being rebuilt to all of its glory, tradition, and especially ethnic diversity. In keeping with the relaxed and unhurried traditions of that once great city, this is happening at a leisurely pace.
During his terms in office, Bush has worked with the Attorney General's office to help ensure a woman's right to give birth. The President also encourages more women to take important positions in the nation's workforce, due to his strong belief that women are as equally capable of operating the Cannon copiers and taking dictation as men.
On the morning of September 11, 2001, terrorists attacked the American Nation because they hate freedom. Since then, President Bush has taken unprecedented steps to protect not only America, but the whole of the world, and created a world free from terror. He is grateful for the service and sacrifice of the brave men and women in uniform and their families. Having honorably served in the armed forces, and taking decisive steps to help create America's proud amputee forces, has helped him bond with the troops under his command.
The President is confident that by helping build free and prosperous societies, America and its friends and allies will succeed in making every single country on Earth more secure, and more peaceful. This is known as the "Domino Theory", in that peace and freedom cascade, crashing across the land into a peaceful scattering of countries, much like fallen dominoes.
Bush has continued taking the War on Terra to the enemies of freedom before they can come to us.
Due to the threat of weapons of mass destruction being used against the United States homeland, Bush bravely overcame world resistance against launching a war for the liberation of the Iraqi people. With US effort, Security Council resolution 1441 was passed, granting the US the authority to invade Iraq. With continued Iraqi belligerence, America was left with no option but to declare war on March 20th, 2003. Terrorist forces loyal to Saddam Hussein (both of them) were quickly overpowered. Presently, the country is on the road to a record-pace reconstruction despite the best efforts of the media to encourage violence.
While decisive leadership by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld led to an catastrophically successful victory, Saddam had already smuggled out all of the weapons of mass destruction from the country into Syria and Iran, which are presently preparing to use them against the United States homeland. Bush is currently working on bravely overcoming world resistance against launching wars for the liberation of the Iranian and Syrian people.
North Korea's bids for notoriety have only been reluctantly rewarded with diplomatic discussions.
Additional achievements of Bush include increasing homeownership, especially among minorities, including special, first-of-its-kind protection for the white, middle class male minority; conserving our environment (fiscal and otherwise); and increasing military strength, pay, and benefits.
Cultural and political image
Bush made his debut to the public in 2000, as an accomplished leader who promised to bring America back to its roots after the corruption and scandals of Slick Willie Blythe. Since then, he has become one of the most popular presidents in history, especially among intelligent Americans. These Americans have often characterized him as a the most intelligent, well-meaning and truly capable President who ruled America with a capable fist, and the only one to consistently tell the truth. In fact, said presidency is already being referred to as "America's Golden Presidency."
However, after his re-election, Bush received increasingly heated lies and slander from the liberal media for his handling of the Iraq War, Hurricane Katrina, and numerous other things that he actually handled very well. In 2007, the Democratic Party plunged America into the Great Recession and blamed it all on Bush. Although his presidency has been ranked among the worst among delusional libs, his favorability ratings among said libs have improved since he left office. Since Baraq Hussein Osama has turned out to be the worst president ever, we can only hope George W. Bush will return someday.
- ↑ Also known as "George Wonderful Bush" and "George Dubya Bush".