George S. Patton
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I once spent forteen hours stuck in a bunker with Patton, 2 packets of French cigarettes, half a bottle of wine and a small tub of vasaline...but that's another tale...”
George Smith Patton, Jr. (November 11, 1885 – December 21, 1945) was an American general during World War II and Chairman of the American Serviceman's Road Safety Campaign. He served in France and Germany during Operation Collateral Damage, the Invasion of France. He was the most highly decorated General of the war, having been awarded three sets of new curtains and a re-wallpapering for his meritorious valour. This Bad ass was the origional psycopath that modernized jackass tank stratagies.
Birth and Childhood
Patton followed the traditional pattern of American Hero's births and decided to be born into abject poverty, to rise into the lofty ranks of the American Military. His interest in the military was apparent from an early age, where he organised his school friends into a company and led them into battle against the neighbouring town's middle school. Despite horrific casualties and extensive collateral death and maiming to innocent bystanders and cute farm animals, the Head teacher ruled that the young Patton's mission objectives had been fulfilled and he was consequently retained on the San Marino Elementary School's high command and promoted to colonel. Upon turning 18 he was found to be too tall for the Chief of Staff to hang any more medals round his neck and was sent off to the real army.
Training and early career
Patton's initial attempts to enroll at VMI were unsuccessful. Only after conquering a small third world country (Iceland) was he able to be appointed there. Although he demonstrated good aptitude, to the horror of his fellow cadets, he deemed himself unworthy to carry the VMI mantel and demoted himself to West Point.
First Command and Action
Patton first saw service in France in the First World War, where he commanded the 19th Redneck Fusiliers. Their first action was in sneaking into the Company Quartermaster’s Stores to steal liquor in which he and his men served with great gallantry. He gave the company commander half a bottle of Maple Leaf Rum and was consequently awarded a big shiny medal several times.
Between the wars Patton sat in his attic waiting for a new war. He only broke the monotony by making obscene phonecalls to Hermann Goering while pretending to be the President, which eventually led to the declaration of war in 1939.
Also quoted, "The worst battle implement ever divised".
It was during this point in Patton's career that he coached the West Point Basketball team to a record 879 victories. This record was eventually broken by some hick from Indiana named Bob Knight.
World War II
Patton described World War II as his 'finest hour'. Unfortunately, he was really drunk at the time and Winston Churchill stole the idea and used it in a speech.
He was given command of the American Third Army, having mistakenly ordered the First Army to assault The Bay of Biscay due to an administrative error, and having given the Second Army as a birthday present to General Bradley's wife. (It spent the rest of the war in a shoebox underneath her bed, only being brought out and put on the mantlepeice whenever the Pattons came for tea.)
Having landed in France, his troops advanced quickly by not fighting the Germans and by sending troops to steal fuel earmarked for Bradley and Eisinhower's troops.
Angry at not being allowed to advance on Berlin and kill people, he resigned himself to spam e-mailing General Zhukov's Staff HQ and making obscene phonecalls to Eva Braun, driving her to suicide on April 20, 1945.
On December 21st 1945, General Patton was giving a lecture as part of his duties as Chairman of the American Serviceman's Road Saftey Campaign. After the lecture, he'd had so many shots that he staggered outside and was creamed by a lorry. A memorial statue stands at the point where he fell; just outside the building, across the road, on a nearby window, and on the bumper of the lorry that he didn't see coming.