George Osborne

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“One must smash the oiks!”
~ George Osbourne on unveiling his "Crush the Small people" Review
“Blaming the bankers for the credit crunch is like blaming the Nazis for the holocaust.”
~ Osbourne on why poor people should be punished for the state of the economy
“ Oh poverty schmoverty. We're all in this together: I myself have had to lay off the butler who used to iron my cat's waistcoat.”
~ Osborne on the recession
“ Well I like it, and mumsy and nanny used to called me Bun-Face, which as far as I am concerned is a sign of affections.”
~ Osbourne on his nose


George Osborne 0437

George Osborne speaking in favour of chav hunting in 2008. Notice his bum-nose. His shocked expression on his face is due to the presence of a poor person on the other side of the room.

Gideon "Slash'n'Burn" Osborne (born 23 May 1971), better known as Boy George, Bum Nose or Georgie Porgie, is a British aristocrat, Conservative Party politician, ponce, forthcoming baronet, prospective inheritor a vast fortune and, as of May 2010, Chief Lord Chancer of the Exchequer. He is all of these things and more; but more than anything, however, he is a Monumentally Colossal Twat. Indeed, being a twat has proved his lifelong vocation - an occupation which he self-avowedly places above all others in terms of the time, care and devotion he applies to it. He has spoke of his vast fortune in being able to combine his occupation as full-time twat with that of Chancellor to an incredible degree.

On a personal level, Osborne is a self-obsessed, smarmy, stuck-up, arse-faced country gentleman whose sickening, unappealing demeanour encapsulated in his voice, appearance, personality - and indeed his entire life story - is completely uninspiring to the vast majority in British society. Call him ignorant if you want, but he won't be listening; call him an arse if you like, but for him the arse is just that bit at the bottom of your body that you spend most of your life sitting on, and which other people wipe for you. Dark clouds gather around his person, causing dismay to all who surround him - until he pays them to go and hover over a poorer person. The really really sad thing about this article is that most of it is true; were it not in breach of various standards on swearing and structure, then it'd be put on Wikipedia tomorrow as the REAL article about George Osborne, and that's just a horrible, horrible thought to dwell on...

It has been noted by many that his nose bears an uncanny resemblance to a posterior, which is interesting because he is also noted for talking out of his arse and he does have something of a nasal twang, sometimes referred to as a posh speech impediment.

Personal Life

Born with a silver spoon in his mouth, which he subsequently swallowed, George Osborne is the son of a penguin and, most notably, a Baronet, who used to rule Ireland with an iron fist. He bears no relation whatsoever to Ozzy Osborne, ok? YOU HEARD ME? NONE WHATSOEVER! DON'T YOU DARE SPREAD ANY RUMOURS! His history with the Conservative Party began in the womb, when the foetus Osborne decided there and then to throw himself behind the Tories because they matched the colour of his blood.

Because of the persistent and inescapable residual effects of Ireland's potato famine, George's parents (who are not the other Osborne family at all, honest) were unable to feed all of the 30-strong staff who were involuntarily employed at the Osborne residence. This resulted in a "high staff turnover". Please re-read that last sentence and ponder at it for a second. Thank you. Now carry on.

Due to the high level of venility in George, many researchers have wondered if his father and mother were siblings? However his family line going back as far as Moses, did not throw up any inconsistencies save for the fact that the 4th Earl of Oxo name can be misspelt.

His family can trace their lineage back to George XXX of England (who he styles himself in the name of). George XXX is revered as the most sexually active monarch in British history. A child of the industrial revolution, he pioneered steam technology in the bedroom and just generally enhanced sexual pleasure all-round. Using power drills, he planted his seed in numerous women, producing from such intense activity near on a thousand million sons, all of whom went on to become sexual predators or bankers. Except for the son George Osborne is descended from. He decided to have his cake and eat it.

Osborne was married to his sister as he did not want to breed with the commoners. After they were married and she had produced his heir, he had her imprisoned in the Tower of London. He now frequents brothels and put the cost down as a parliamentary expense under 'constituency work'. He is fond of peasant shooting, making poor people fight for bread and buying expensive things and then burning them 'just because one can'. It was thought he had a long standing Cocaine habit, as for many his habit of looking snorted up most of the time made them think 'he must be on something,. However, and fortunately George actually suffers from that little known desease 'oh man I'm spaced out here' which gives the appearance of longstanding cocaine abuse. To set the record straight George would like everybody to know that if he actually took cocaine he would tax it out of existence, thus as he hadn't it must be the case that he didn't. It should be understood however, that the eventual slide into long term early senility is prevalent in both cases.

At his first school, The Heyak, School for bovine venile Retards, he was appointed tuck shop monitor (third reserve, just in case stand-by), however due to his tendency to suck the threepenny bits he was removed from office. It has been reported that he accused the janitor for grassing him up, hence his dislike of the common prolitoriate. Later on his application to Eaton, was almost not considered, as at least three times during the exam his sliver spoon was not on display.

Professor Richard Dawkins, speaking over tannoy, noted that Osborne does not walk with the characteristic bow-legged stride and awkward gait common in former public schoolboys and homosexuals. Osborne's distinctive pelvic thrust when walking, he says, more closely resembles that of historical French, Napoleon Bonaparte, leading to suggestions that Osborne is in fact not homosexual at all, merely eccentric.

Little has been said about George's hobbies, in the mistaken belief that he dosn't have the mental acumin to think beyond his daily egg and soldiers. However, GB as he is known in circles is quite a diva when it comes to his real love, 'them'. George has for many years been in secret touch with little green men from mars. When asked about the secret of his economic success, he will in public attribute this to himself, but in reality his considers Mork, as his guru and minder holding his hand when he has to deal with mathematical equations more complex than 2+2. Which we know he struggles with. Often, he will get up in the middle of the night to commune with Mork, so as to seek the enlightenment, which will one day lead George to the one job he craves more than any other. 1st reserve tuck shop monitor. As if it wasn't for that squeeling janitor he would have been anointed such a long time ago. In his spare time he continues to seek eternal bliss with his wife, however he is almost sure that her sticking her dildo up his arse will not lead to more children. He is also still looking for the janitor, with whom he can put matchsticks in his shit, whilst the shit was still in the janitors body as well as other evil twisted clusterfuck mean ideas. GB considers tourtière his meaning in life and is planing to make it compulsory for all potential MP's.

Eton and Oxford

The boy, George, was sent away to Eton College when he was small. When he was bigger he left. Well actually, he didn't go to Eton at all, but everyone thinks he did because it's just such a bloody juicy story. He rose to the top of the all-male, white, upper class culture of this grand public school until a pauper actually had to build an extension so he could rise even higher. Osborne imposed his dominant personality on the school. He did gain a respectable 9 A*-C GCSE grades, but he only managed an F in Economics - a fact which the country now feels the bane of.

His school report noted that he did not pass with many flying colours, but rather, only one flying colour - and needless to say, it was white and always flew first class. Nevertheless, his father secured an excellent place at Oxford for his dear boy, mostly through intense fellatio, in a course other than economics. Before sending him to his top university, his father had told George to get high grades, though he also warned him not to trip over the balls at the Croquet game. Certainly some words in that sentence proved more influential than the general premise of the sentence itself.

George's first course choice upon arrival at Oxford, was the legendary Politics, Philosophy & Economics (more commonly known as PPE). PPE, is a course designed to allow anybody and his dog to gain a first (similarly President of the Oxford Union) and present themselves as clever bugger, when fact getting a first in PPE is akin to getting clap. However George mistook the common element of PPE, as meaning or referring to common people. Exclaiming that he don't do common, and signed up instead to do modern history. George struggled at his chosen degree, until he realised that essays could be purchased from the web, thus blowing his entire trust fund in one term, as he struggled to understand that Modern, as in modern history did not refer to the Victorian period.

At Oxford University he was a member of the Bullingdon Club with 'Call Me Dave' Cameron and Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, where they engaged in drunken debauchery, criminal vandalism, up-it-to-the-oiks-snobbery, capers and sodomy (Osborne being the 'bottom'). These initial rumours were confirmed the week before the 2010 UK general election when footage of Osbourne exhibiting considerable gastrointestinal capacity surfaced online. The two-hour-long viral video, entitled 'Of Os-Borne', which circulated through sneezing and nurses not washing their hands, was credited with swinging the polls 946mV in the Conservative party's favour. It is perhaps testament to the sheer failure and ineptidude of the shitty conservative campaign that even despite all this, they failed to win the bloody election...

Politics

George Osborne was elected as a MP in 2001 for the delightfully green and wealthy constituency of Batter-Up-The-Poor, in Cheshire, a post formerly occupied by comedy journalist and BBC politician Martin Bell (or was he a BBC journalist and a comedy politician? I forget...). When David Cameron was appointed Overlord of the Conservative Party, Osborne became Shadow Chancellor and Shadow Minister for the Protection of Bankers and the Rich, with special responsibility for devising a strategy for defecating on Labour-voting housing estates. These early policies, based on the work of noted progressives Margaret Thatcher, Ronald Reagan, Ron Paul and celebrity Thatcherite Tory Blair, formed the core of his first budget in 2010.

In the 2010 general election the Conservative party lost only 64% of the public vote and, as a gesture of good will to bronze medalists the Liberal Democrats, offered to 'go halves'. On May 7th 2010, Osborne thrust into No.11 Downing Street with the strawberry-blonde Lib Dem Danny 'The Ginger Hamster' Alexander as his Secondary Bag Carrier, Prime Fag and Chief Testicle Massager.

Since his election aside from his naps as chancellor he heads a secret monitory committee (because the word monitory ends with Tory) which seeks to level tax revenues on the grounds that everybody should pay their fair share of tax. For the first few weeks into this project things appeared to going well for the country, however at the beginning of week 3 he discovered that this would mean bankers would be paying more than ten bob, he had the entire cabinet assassinated and the notes burnt. He then had the cabinet rebuilt as robots, which explains why current government ministers will follow suicide policies even if it means loosing their seats (as in the case of Lib-Dems). George now spends his time masturbating bankers from the city of London in the forlorn hope that when he gets a go at being prime minister (apparently call me Dave promised him) he will be able to pick up a few directorships of city wanker companies. George hopes that his robbing from the poor to spoon fed the rich will stand him in good stead. Although he is quite willing to grovel if that helps. No body yet has had the heart (namely coz Tories don't have hearts or brains for that matter) to let him know that sitting M.P's can't hold directorships. Mind you it could also be that they are all brainless moron robots?

Budget 2010

Osborne's budget book of doom is the work of the devil and is the only way that his mates can make billions out ofcivilisation can possibly survive the recession.

  • Raising VAT to make non-essential things[1] more expensive.
  • Not giving himself an inheritance tax cut because he doesn't need it.
  • Cutting Emos
  • 100% Less Government
  • 100% More Unemployment
  • Not punishing wankers
  • Reduce poverty (by starving the oiks to death).
  • Keeping his family alive for longer through Bupa, at least until the general governmental tax regime becomes more accommodating should a loved one die (see inheritance tax policy)

Plan B

In matters economical, the government has no "Plan B", not least because "B" is a letter of the alphabet unknown to most cabinet minsters; a letter home to such base words as "beleaguered" (which none of them have ever had the misfortune of being) and "benign" (which no Tory policy or government in its history has ever been).

However, they are well aware of the dangers of an economic downturn; it is entirely possible that the economy, shocked by the amount of money being pulled out of it without any genuine attempts towards growth, will adamantly refuse to increase in size. It may well have wanted a new dress, or one of those new 3DS's for its kids, but it might just hold back the cash for now just in case.

The government thus has a "Plan A-2"/"non-domestic crisis resolution programme"/"viagra injection 2, electric bugaloo", which they will implement should all go wrong, with the aim of encouraging economic recovery through a detailed Three-Point Plan of Action, formulated by a Cabinet. They are absolutely adamant that this is not a Plan B in any sense whatsoever. Any suggestions to that effect are utterly heinous. The measures are:

1: Persuading the economy to recover by offering it a generous Growth Package including a family hamper, a luxury yacht, and an exclusive ticket to a professional spa, all courtesy of the Murdochs, Phillip Green, George Osborne's dad - no-one in particular.

2: If the economy refuses to recover, the government will, citing the generosity of their package, write a letter personally telling the economy they are offended by the refusal to recover, and hope that, in its embarssasment, the economy will change heart. They will cite the exclusivity of the package the economy has just received. They may even extend the spa package to a whole year's usage, but that's really pushing it.

3: Should the economy still adamantly refuse to recover, there are but five options:

> Mass governmental suicide (though not with bullets, bombs, barbed boomerangs or anything else that begins with B)

> Disbanding the cabinet so that an investigation could be carried out by another piece of furniture. Followed by mass governmental suicide using a weapon that doesn't begin with B.

> Completely ending their relationship with the economy, and extending the austerity package even further in the hope that reverse psychology, and the horrors of complete rejection, will prompt the economy to reconsider.

> Accusing the economy of the proliferation of Weapons of Mass Destruction, the government will engage in a unilateral invasion of the economy; they will then rob the economy of its resources and form a new relationship with a more personable and very different economy.

Nazi Rally Birmingham 2012

This particular event, which occurs each and every year, and should not be confused as a political party conference, as A, the Conservatives do not do policies. Rather relying on the back of an envelope and a pencil for the direction the party should take and B, as both the Labour and Lib-Dems who are plebs anyway, have a political policy making event, the Nazis don't do plebs, so one should not be confused, so hence no conference, Ok?

The 2012 event was hallmarked by Bumnose's complete lack of reality and awareness of the real world, having never really understood what was so nasty or bad about the Nazis of either the 1930's or 1980's. Plebs failed to understand that in order to Rule the world or even the UK, they needed to be any different. After all, all Camo had to do was take the vote away from anybody who wasnt a Nazi and then the Nazis could rule for ever.

Osbourne also believes that he is by far more clever than anybody else in the the party. After all he used to suck threepenny bits, didn't he? Anyway back to the rally, his speech which he wrote all by himself, and no nanny did help not even with the spelling, he has a clever (but not as much as him) pleb to do that. Was hallmarked by his extremely clever phrase 'We are all in this together'. Which when you consider the situation of the room he was in was the correct thing to say. What confuses him, is the mass misunderstanding of the phrase when implied on the common plebs. Obvo they are not in it, they are common and plebs, since when did anybody assume that when he uttered his fantastic words they meant them. That just shows how stupid the press are anyway.

What did upset Osbourn above all, was Camo telling him he could not use the free Gas for the elderly and the unemployed bit of his speech. Especially as he had got a fantastic discount from that nice Mr. Hitler, as he had lots of unused stock left over from Auschwitz, where ever or what ever that was.

George was also upset, as he didn't get a chance to put paid to the rumours that he was the party stratagest. There is no way that he would have sex with an underage schoolgirl, except Lucy Loo, who was over the age of consent anyway, and even if it was only a day or so, over the age is over the age.

London Olympics

Many readers, will be aware that every time Osbourne turned up at the London Olympics, there was a loud reverberating booing and harsh words thrown in his direction. Osbourne wishes to make it clear that these disagreeable Plebs represented only a tiny minority of the watching public, who in the main we're ecstatic at his appearance and there was much merriment and jovial joshing. Such as the nobility see as there right. As such those 1 or 2 individuals were only heard as they have exceptionally loud voices, and were only just able to be heard above the rest of the plebs. He also wants it to be known that he dosnt in the least bit find it funny, that the reason why 80,000 people boo him, was because that was the capacity of the Stadium. He also wishes to make clear that he knows where you live and should you be stupid enough to boo etc in future, you can expect a visit from Spanners Grinshaw and his crew.

Borrowing

During his time as Chancellor, Osbourne borrowed at record levels, mainly because he failed to understand that borrowing needed to be paid back, also he borrowed because he could, and it was fun. And as the price of Bolivian Dancing Powder (the recreation of choice for Rich people) continued to rise it was nessassary to ensure that he could siphon of a few quid to continue to pay for his hobby. Another form of borrowing was Quantative Easing, which he didn't understand nor what the word ment, but as it made him look clever that was fine by him. He also knew that the NAZI's came to power in Germany in the 1930's on the back of a different form of QE, and that was most defo fine by him, if it got his rich chums and himself in power for ever. He wasn't sure about the war, mainly as he didn't understand what a war was. No, what gormless wanted everybody to understand was that if he continued to be a chancellor, there was always the chance that he would finally get to be first reserve tuck shop monitor (as explained above), then he could retire to any number of city slicker directorships. Where his inability to organise a piss-up in a brewery, or a fuck in a brothel, would make him most suitable to fuck up the nations banking system irretrievably. Yes even more than the Tossers of the 2010's did. Coz he is a bright fucker which is what everybody tells him. Twat-face likes it very much, when people say nice things about him. With regard to his complete failure to sort out the economy, and that he actualy cluster-fucked labours plan, only 30 months into office. Well he never wanted to be Chancellor it's was a big boy with a stick who ran away that made him do it. Hear that Dave, you drop me in it, and I'll be squealing to everybody and anybody that wants to listen. And it is very difficult to reward the rich with even lower taxes, when you consider they were responsible for the mess in the first place.

Expenses

Equally, Osbourne was able to make use of unlimited expenses, whilst as an MP. For instance, he was able to use home flipping, where so long as ones country pile could be flipped presumably with a large catapult thingy, then it was ok to call ones pile a second home whilst living in London in ones town pad. This was so that rich people like him could ensure that the plebs who pay taxes (unlike himself) would be funding any repairs needed to the aforesaid second home. However, it seemed that he had accidentally also claimed for the mortgage of the padlock next door when claiming for the mortgage on the country pile. Are you still there? Now not that it was every legal but then again it wasn't illegal, well how was he supposed to know what he could and couldn't do, and besides which every home has a padlock doesn't it? Or else where does one keep the horses? Everybody has horse, don't they. His mate Call me Dave borrows horses, from that red-headed filly who work at the Rupo-Mag called the moon or something like that. And even if you borrow a horse you have to keep it somewhere. Ozzy takes the view also, it's only since they let plebs into the commons and don't get him start on the continuing use of the word commons. OZZY IS NOT COMMON OK, why don't they call it whites or the guards club or some thing like that. Then everybody well everybody who was worth something would know what it meant, wouldn't they? And he also has a lot on his plate what with being an MP and having to wear a suit and tie everyday, which nobody ever told him you would have to do when you became an MP. And this after he has just got rid of yet another butler (that's two now, what with the butler who irons the pussy cats waistcoats also having to go). And of course the perennial problem with his addition. Well anyway as for this expenses misunderstanding, well if he has to pay it back then he will just have to man up and print some more money and that takes care of that.

References

  1. Like, you know, toilet paper. Antiques are however of national importance and must not ever be taxed. Or his inheritances and offshore assets. This out-ringfences everything.

See also

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