George Mason University

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GMU logo

GMU likes to advertise itself by putting this logo everywhere. The bigger it is, the more noticeable it will be.

George Mason University is a mostly-publicly funded college located in the unsightly midden-heap known as Fairfax, Virginia. In head count, its student body is the largest in Virginia. Aside from being home to some of the world's most ghastly-looking statues, George Mason has several claims to fame, including incredibly aggressive preachers, boring parties, overcrowded parking and never-ending construction work.

edit History


George Mason would be horrified if he could see how ugly his statue is today.

Back in the early 70's, George Mason College used to be an extension of the University of Virginia. Then in 1972, after a very long kegger, UVA had finally had it with the young upstart college, and had George Mason kicked out of the dorms. From then on, George Mason was forced to eke out an existence on its own. Ever since, the young college has been known as George Mason University. Some years later, in 2005, the new university was still struggling to find its way when it was found by the Koch Brothers. Being very rich and very bored, the two brothers had toyed with the idea of getting a pet. After rejecting cats and dogs as pets for Poor people, the Kochs had initially decided to buy a dozen slaves and a nice plantation in southern Georgia. Unfortunately, their plans were spoiled when lawyers reminded them that the pesky 13th amendment had already outlawed slavery. Afterward, the pair settled on buying a public college, finding humor in the knowledge that most college students will believe just about anything that their professors tell them. Ever since, the Kochs have shelled out enough money to GMU to fund a small country and have taught their new pet to bark, roll over, and teach right-wing economic theory on command. Every time the school does this, receives a check for $5 million and a 30% off Coupon at Denny's.

edit Campus

When it was first built back in the 1960's, new-age fashion was all the rage, and George Mason's architects adopted a cool, trendy and modern look for its new school buildings. However, like the fashion style of the hippies, George Mason's 'in' style eventually fell 'out'. Although the hippies could just throw out their Rolling Stones T-shirts and lava lamps and pretend that the 60's had never happened, George Mason couldn't just throw out old facilities and replace them with new duds from the local thrift shop. Like ugly tattoos, the college's buildings were there to stay. In an attempt to cover up its shamefully outdated style, GMU constructed new buildings to hide the old ones. However, never learning from its earlier mistakes, George Mason continued to adopt contemporary building styles, which also fell out of style one decade later. After repeating this cycle for decades, the modern George Mason campus has since become a messy conglomeration of architectural tragedies from across fifty years, each standing as a testament to the college's unsuccessful attempts to be 'trendy' and 'hip'.

edit Student body

George Mason siphons money from teaches over 33,000 students. The majority are students from Northern Virginia who enrolled at GMU because no other local college will admit students with their comically-low grades. However, though there are a few students from out of state who were somehow convinced, likely due to misleading ads and brochures, that George Mason was a great school to go to.

The most notable aspect of the student body is the student skin. Compared to the demographics of most other universities, George Mason contains a disproportionate number of African Americans. There are so many of them that the administration briefly considered renaming the institution to Brown University, until finding out this name was taken.

George Mason also contains an impressive number of students who profess outsider political beliefs, most notably libertarianism. This stands in sharp contrast to the political standing of most American voters, who have great difficulty naming more than one political party. Despite the general unpopularity and obscurity of third-party candidates, they are often held in high esteem by students at George Mason. Losing candidates continuously make George Mason one of their premiere campaigning locations because it is one of the few places where people will actually show up to hear them speak for longer than 20 seconds.

edit Student life


Freshmen only make the mistake of eating GMU's burrito special once.

Student life at George Mason University is an alcoholism-inducing affair, which is why most students go home or visit other colleges to party over the weekend. Out of the over 33,000 students currently studying at Mason, only 6,000 can actually stand the stuffy prison-cell-like dorm rooms. Those who do live on campus subsist on food that has been recycled, refrozen and then deep-fried. This has led to controversy between the school and the FDA, particularly after one instance in which the college served decades-old burritos, causing over 5000 students to be hospitalized for mild to severe cases of intestinal explosion.

During their time at Mason, students can enjoy such exciting pastimes as homework and painting motivational messages on benches. George Mason also has several Christian youth organizations, each of which attempts to draw as many students as possible into its ranks to fight against the evils of evolution. Students at George Mason also have the choice of many fraternities and sororities. However, most of these Greek-life groups are so quiet and unnoticeable that were it not for the frat boys who insist on wearing their letters around the school, nobody would even know they exist.

edit Athletics

George Mason is also known for its sports teams. To-wit: There Isn't Any. On top of its public funding and donations from the Koch Brothers, GMU also collects tuition from more students than any other school in Virginia, and has more money to throw around than Bill Gates at a strip club. However, the administration is focused on its own personal money fountain to swim in, and does not bother with shelling out the funding necessary to have competitive sports teams and arts programs. This chases away jocks and nerds in equal proportions, and means that having actual fun on the weekend takes a drive all the way to Harrisonburg or Richmond, and another drive back with a hangover the next morning.

edit See also

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