George Lucas

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His Lucasness, bedecked in royal splendor.

“I'm going to invent a religion that's going to make me a fortune. I'm tired of writing for a penny a word.”
~ George Lucas before writing Star Wars

George Walton Lucas, Jr. (born May 14, 1944) is an American filmmaker and entrepreneur, known for being the creator of the Star Wars and Indiana Jones franchises, one of the pioneering directors of American cinema, a writer and rewriter of childhood memories, a digital painter of ultra baroque Where's Waldo like scene compositions, and as the creator of Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks. The former two are why he is known as God to some geeks, while the latter two are why he is considered the Devil by others.

Like the mythical King Midas, whatever Lucas touches changes form. However, instead of gold like Midas, Lucas has the power of Forcefication or "to change into raw power". He also is the inventor of the popular salad dressing flavor "Skywalker Ranch". He has never known a woman's touch and claims that even though he grew up Catholic he is a "virgin of circumstance".

edit Early life and college

Born in Modesto, California, Lucas is actually a highly evolved form of flannel corporeally inhabiting a white man. Lucas was fascinated with technology from a young age and as a child, popularized the internet slang term "THX 1138", a sarcastic version of "thanks a million". Growing up, Lucas never really experienced much racism except the odd "Look, mommy! Vanilla people!" from backwoods hill folk or "I bet the white slavers were cold in the winter, dude." from a misguided college roommate.

George attended film school, where he made his first film, Jurassic Christ, which tells the story of a prehistoric Jesus ministering the gospel to cavemen. It is known that as a teenager and young adult, Lucas followed the teachings of a controversial and ultra-orthodox sect of the LDS Church; later in life, he renounced this belief. To that end, he included the so-called "Jar Jar" character in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, with the obvious intent being to make baby Jesus cry. To date Lucas, now a devout Duckist, has offered no comment.

edit Career

edit Early career


George Lucas as a sprightly young lad, before he lost his mind.

In 1971, Lucas produced his first wide-release film THX 1138, a documentary about the early days of the Heaven's Gate cult and a member who was tired of it. The film met some mixed reviews, but was generally seen as a promising start. However, the Orwell estate did not look upon it so kindly, and promptly pressed charges against Lucas for copyright infringement and crimethink. It is perceived by some that it was this experience that effected George Lucas's attitude towards lawsuits. For this reason, he has come to be known as "The Mad Turk".

Lucas was a passionate writer and at the age of 29, he became senior editor of the popular 1950s nostalgia magazine American Graffiti. While on the staff he met Vietnam protest revolutionary Ron Howard, and even coined Howard's famous nickname "The Duck" because of his legendary love of Uncle Scrooge Comics. The two became fast friends and soon George Lucas joined Howard's militant group, the Mighty Ducks, and became their Minister of Film. Lucas shot several digital propaganda films for the Ducks but later became frustrated with the format, saying it was "cold" and "sterile".

edit Star Wars

“Ten lines? That's all I get? Who the hell will care about a guy who only gets ten lines?”
~ Wedge Antilles on George Lucas

American Graffiti and THX alone were not garnering Lucas the fame he so coveted. In a surprising twist of events, however, Lucas was able to achieve his dream. After several weeks of meditating in the swamp, Lucas developed a new filmmaking style known as The Force. Films shot in the Force style are shot only on celluloid filmstock with little to no post production. All sound, music, and lighting must be done live and in one take. So if you've gotta pee, do it before you start shooting. Because of their limitations, Force-styled movies depend on clever dialogue and interesting characterization as opposed to flashy special effects; Lucas may have been more successful as a director if he was talented in any of those areas. Despite his movies' unpopularity outside of a cult fanbase, Lucas refused to let anyone make any changes to his movies saying "Once they're done, they're done."

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about George Lucas.

In the mid-1970s, a consortium of genius filmakers gathered to pool their collective talents to create one the greatest tales ever told. The project was to be bold in scope and execution, spanning ten years in the making. The project would be simply known as... Star Wars. It would be one epic 12-hour movie, shot starting with the beginnings of a young lad on a distant planet to his eventual downfall and later redemption by his own son! It could have been, perhaps, the greatest film epic of all-time. But when word leaked to George Lucas, it was just the opportunity he was seeking.

“So I wanted a hit remake of The Wizard of Oz, with updated CGI effects, and the dwarf shooting first! But I didn't have the technology needed to make my vision a reality at the time, so I did it '70s-style... with laserguns, spaceships, bad fashion, and President Jimmy Carter. The studios at first refused, saying I was insane. So I changed the title, kicked Carter out, and then... BOOM! Star Wars!”
~ George Lucas on the making of Star Wars

Blackmailing the participating filmmakers with as of yet unseen, uncredited, and to all but Lucas unwatchable enactments of The Aristocrats, Lucas soon gained control of the project. The creative decisions that followed are now considered the magnum opus of trade-offs. Lucas's first decision was to start the first movie in the middle of the story. This radical departure from conventional storytelling was a master stroke of foolishness and soon the entire project's dignity was down the toilet. The second decision was to split the proposed 12-hour movie into six two-hour movies, to make them more palatable to mainstream audiences. George's odd decisions continued by making the first three movies (the last half of the story arc) superior to the last three movies (the first half of the arc). More assinenessitude was to follow; Lucas had found his calling.

According to Lucas, "I've always considered myself as a visionary "out of this world" director, so I wanted to create a movie out of this galaxy, concept, era, year, and so on and so on... the idea of making a movie from a "galaxy far far away..." (by the way that is a trademark) was invented in my mind at the early age of 6... I can pretty much tell you by that time R2-D2 was exactly what I had in mind."

edit Documentary Days

Having made friends with Steven Spielberg, Lucas decided to do a project for Steven's synagogue titled Raiders of the Lost Ark, in which he would follow the adventures of archaeologist Indiana Jones (played by Harrison Ford, himself a Jew, who Lucas knew from playing Han Solo in Star Wars) in search of the Arc of the Covenant. Included in the film were re-enactions of previous expeditions conducted by the Nazis in the 1930s. Knowing the subject matter to be sensitive, Lucas offset any offensive or tasteless material by having a sequence in which God sends an angel to deliver divine retribution to the fascist murderers.

Lucas would go on to do two sequels: Temple of Doom an investigative report of a network of Indian Thuggies involved in child labor; and The Last Crusade, another religious-based documentary for The Vatican featuring actor and crime lord Sean Connery in search of the Holy Grail, a keg used by Jesus at the last supper into which he split his own blood and passed around the room in one of his typical cannibalist rituals.

edit The Reclusive Years

Around 1983, Lucas dropped out of the public eye. Many rumors surfaced as to his whereabouts and activities; a task force of investigative reporters and FBI officials were formed at the bequest of Spielberg (Lucas's good friend and second-in-command). After much field work, a very shocking picture began to emerge: Lucas, it seems, had become a duck addict. In an apparent attempt to mimic L. Ron Hubbard, Lucas had devised his own bizarre religious sect which he named "Duckism". According to Duckism, many thousands of years ago, the earth was inhabited by a race of giant, human-like ducks. These ancient ducks had come from outer space to populate the Earth and live a peaceful, quack-filled life. Lucas now believed these duck beings communicated with him via Aflac commercials. Lucas would faithfully record these messages in his own fecal matter on the walls of the secret cave he know dwelled in.

Lucas then reemerged to the world, proclaiming a message of universal truth and cosmic significance. This message would be revealed to the world in the only serious work of Lucas's career, the immensely popular 1986 blockbuster Howard the Duck.

edit Prequel Return

“The locations in the new films were amazing. Where did you shoot them?”
~ Location reporter on locations in the Star Wars prequels
“We didn't use any locations... we used computer-generated landscapes.
I can't say the old movies were bad, per se. We just didn't have the digital technology necessary to make them truly spectacular at the time. Now we do.”
~ George Lucas on locations in the Star Wars prequels, said whilst lighting an expensive cigar with a thousand-dollar bill

The great, almighty, and especially bearded George Lucas, pictured here in 2005.

In 1993, Lucas announced in Variety magazine among other sources that he would be making a Star Wars prequel trilogy. According to Lucas,

When I first made episodes IV, V, and VI, I never actually thought about them as a separate movies, you know, since Star Wars is just one long movie divided into six parts. At that particular moment I decided to start telling the story of Darth Vader and how he ruled the galaxy side-by-side with the Emperor. When I realized how much money I made with the first trilogy, I knew I had to come up with the story of how Anakin Skywalker turned to the Dark side and became Vader in the first place (actually, I needed money to recoup the costs of my second divorce). I think that is an interesting story, and a funny story to tell.

In 1997, to anticipate the prequels, as well as the 20th anniversary of the franchise, Lucas re-released the original trilogy to theaters as part of a Special Edition, where he attempted to fix every single frame of the movies to conform better to his so-called "vision". "The more I started writing the draft, the more I knew the first trilogy had to be recut to bind it better with the upcoming second trilogy. It just didn't work, it didn't work at all," Lucas stated in an interview. "All the actors did such a lazy job trying to implement my vision and it was OK at that time. But computer technology helped me to fix this awful work. CGI is not just cheaper than practical effects, but also looks cooler too."

Among the changes made were replacing puppet Jabba the Hutt with a CGI worm; subtitling Star Wars to Episode IV: A New Hope; replacing dull old geezer Sebastian Shaw with talented young growing star Hayden Christensen as Anakin's force ghost;[1] and making Greedo shoot first instead of Han Solo. The latter change especially angered many fans, and sparked the infamous question: "Who shot first?" According to Lucas, "If you had bought my "rare-unseen-very-special-edition-one-single-packed-deluxe-box-set-extended-limited-version-with-gift" you'll know that actually I had it that way already in the deleted scene number '66'. The camera angles in the final cut just made it appear as though Han had shot first."

The three prequels released — Episode I: The Phantom Movie, Episode II: Attack of the Clowns, and Episode III: Anakin Finally Becomes Darth Vader Due to Severe Burn Injures from Falling into a Volcano After Fighting Obi-Wan Kenobi Because He Thought Obi-Wan Had Turned Padme Against Him — received mixed reviews, mostly from nostalgic Gen X manchildren who expected them to be exactly the same as the original movies, but were box office successes nonetheless, and Lucas could happily say that he was a millionaire again.

In 2008, Lucas returned to another one of his old franchises with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, starring Shia LaBeouf as Indy's son and featuring memorable scenes such as the fridge-nuking and a Russian spy woman being evaporated by aliens.

In 2012, Lucas produced the tepidly-received Red Tails, about the African-American Tuskegee Air Force. Lucas attributed the film's negative reviews to racism.

edit Semi-retirement

In 2012, Lucas announced his retirement from the filmmaking business, citing "Everyone yelling at you and calling you a terrible person" as his reason for retiring. He sold the Star Wars franchise to Disney, who have been producing corny, soulless, theme park-ish rehashes of the original trilogy without George's creative input.

Recently, Lucas, jealous of Disney, has partially come out of his retirement to create his own "canon" version of a Star Wars sequel trilogy. The Real Star Wars Episode VII will be released to theaters in 2019, while Real Episode VIII will follow in 2022 and Real Episode IX in 2025. According to Lucas:

I'm not going to spoil much about the new movies to you... but let's just say that Obi-Wan Kenobi was in fact the father of the twins. By the way, you can preorder tickets at and then again. I also expect to see you in theaters for the Special Edition of the same trilogy, and do not hesitate to buy the movies on DVD and Blu-ray, although it will be wise if you wait one year for the AWESOME Star Wars Nine-Packed box set, with the soon-to-be nine Star Wars movies plus additional material including:
  • Trailers for Indiana Jones 5
  • Deleted sex scenes (we won't mention whose)
  • Behind-the-scenes of the behind scenes
  • Extended deleted scenes, including one where Ben Kenobi and Luke go out for a wild night of Bantha-tipping, and another of Jar Jar falling over with zany kazoo music playing in the background
  • Award-winning web documentaries including: It's So Dense, We've Made It So Far, This Is Worse Than the Original Trilogy, But Hey! It's Star Wars!, We Don't Need No Stinkin' Actors, Just Computer Graphics, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy Filming Locations (blue screen and green screen), and many more.

And finally, last but not least, special featurettes such as:

  • This Is How I Became Millionaire
  • Making the Magic: The Creation of Jar Jar Binks
  • How to Ruin a Good Story Featuring George Lucas, Peter Jackson, and Ridley Scott

You can expect the "final" release of the Star Wars Saga — soon to be known as the Star Wars Ennealogy — to hit stores in 2030. We have also thought of releasing a new box set version of the saga with alternate tracks and changes, it is tentative for 2032, and then a RE-release of the same box set but in Special Edition form, with a different cover maybe...

— George Lucas's official press release for the new Star Wars movies

Following his retirement, Lucas has become with the Force and split into two parts: one human, one flannel. After spending a few weeks in Force Heaven, human George Lucas decided to be a Force ghost instead and give people awesome lightsaber tips right before the bad guy is about to win. Flannel George Lucas amuses himself by possessing sorority girls and racecar drivers. The pair recently started Phantom Menace Productions which includes a record label, clothing line, and energy drink. The company flopped, as being dead was a prerequisite for joining the workforce.

edit Personal life

In 1977, George Lucas married Marcia Griffin, one of the editors on Star Wars. They divorced in 1983, and for many years Lucas lived alone, drinking beer at his Texas Ranch. But in 1999, realizing he didn’t want to face the new millenium alone, Lucas married noted black woman Melody Hobson.

edit See also

edit Footnotes

  1. According to Lucas: "I was able to do this while avoiding any kind of lawsuit due to the rights of the actor. As you may know I'm sure, Mr. Shaw passed away back in 1994, so there was no problem with re-shooting the scene. I mean it makes sense, how does a person, in this case Sebastian, can claim for rights if he is already dead, am I right? (chuckles)"
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