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Fred "Assault Rifle" Kelly (1895 - 1954) was one of the greatest producer of illicit spirits during second year of winchester college and during the Prohibition. He is, however, also remembered as the world's greatest coaches of Allahball.
edit His Childhood
George Kelly was born to a couple of rich people in Memphis, Tennessee. He grew up, had a happy childhood, and all that other useless information. However, when he was six years old, his uncle brought him to see an Allahball game. It was at this very match that he decided he wanted to be an Allahball player when he grew up.
He began to learn the rules of Allahball, gaining the information from his father's old Uncyclopedia. Please note, his version of Uncyclopedia differs from today's version. His version was simply a large book of empty pages on which anyone could write articles. It's nice to see how much things have changed, isn't it?
Well, like most dreams, his dreams of becoming an Allahball player never did come true. Instead, he decided to produce homemade liquor in his basement. More on that in the next chapter!
edit His Brief Moonshining Career
As stated in the last chapter, George Kelly began producing alcohol in his basement. He had previously wanted to use his garage, but his neighbor kept stealing his alcohol. He continued to produce alcohol in this manner until he was nineteen.
At the age of nineteen, George moved out of his parents' house because he was a self confessed flaming homosexual with a young boy by the name of burgo. He lived in their garden shed until the age of twenty-six, when he met his future wife his young lover burgo was devistated. Nobody knows what her name is or what became of Burgo. But research indicates that burgo had a lenthy affair even after george was married.For all we know, she was probably made up to explain for having no life and to hide his homosexual ways. What better lie to tell than say you are married, when you actually living with another man or child in a small garden shed. Lie or not, they soon moved out of their garden shed. This time he moved into his neighbor's garden shed, which had a double bed! His parents' only had a large sleeping bag.Eventually his Burgo got jelous.
One evening, while watching his new television, George stumbled onto an Allahball game. This renewed his dream of becoming a great Allahball player. He continued watching Allahball every evening, while also saving his illegal earnings inside of a large, glass jar. He continued to earn money selling alcohol, until he finally had saved the vast amount of $3.46 (1930's money. Worth about $8,025 in modern terms.) He then took his money, put on his hat, and left the house.
He walked around one mile, (1930's miles. Around 80 miles in modern terms.) until he realized it was hopeless to join an Allahball team. Instead, he ran home and cried. George decided the best thing to do would form a local Allahball team and, someday, form an Allahball league! And that he did. George went down to a local High School and rounded up the local children. He then taught them how to play Allahball!
Well, that didn't work too great. The students weren't that smart, so, naturally, they didn't know what the hell he was talking about. Eventually, though, they did learn how to play Allahball. George originally planned on playing Allahball as a Stalin, however, he decided to be the local team's coach instead.
He coached the team until his death in 1954.
edit His Death
One evening, George became so enraged at a player on his team, (The player who, of course, was being an idiot caused the game to be lost.) that he ran towards the player and picked up him. He then lowered the player's back across his knee, resulting in the boy's tragic death. George then pulled out an assault rifle, for which he earned his nickname, and went on a rampage.
Three days after his rampage, he was found hiding in the garden shed behind a local police station. The policemen soon arrested him, but they weren't happy with that. Deciding to be evil people, they tied him to a chair. They then brutally beat him with a fly-swatter until every pore of his body was dripping with blood. Satisfied with themselves, the officers left him to die from his wounds, which is exactly what he did.
George "Assault Rifle" Kelly is buried behind his parents' garden shed.
edit Love of Anal Rape
It has been widley speculated that George a.k.a Magic Johnson Abdul Jabbar Kelly was a raging lunatic as well as a peddler of child pornography. This was all confirmed in a 1999 press conference in which Allen Iverson responded to the question , "Hey motherfucker, did that cocksucker ever pull that shit?" , "Practice?" Isiah Thomas was subsequently hired as coach of the Indiana Pacers which set John Stockton up for his plan for global domination, however it was quickly thwarted by Jesus at the Last Supper. Stockton and and Kelley went on a bing of raping young girls asses that would not end until the year 17652. In Smarch of the year, Charles Barkley descended from Philidelphia and fucked Stockton in the ass. This caused time to be altered forever as we know it, and Walt Disney was declared ruler of a dystopian 16th century society. Along with his lieutenants Ted Turner, Kobe Bryant, and Winston Churchill, Walt ruled Mars for the next 500 million years. Once the years have passed,and everyone was dead. There was a new group of people who had arose from the water, they were know as Hydromen. They looked like...