George Allen's Last Day

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“George Allen... used to display a Confederate flag in his living room and, bizarrely enough, a noose in his office for sentimental reasons...”
~ Frank Rich on Allen, The New York Times, 11/12/06

Over the intercom:

SECRETARY: Senator Allen? The boys from the Mason-Dixon Moving Company are here.

SENATOR ALLEN: (Sigh) Okay, Sally, y’all send them right in.

The movers enter.

MOVER: Howdy, Senator. Everything but the furniture, right? No problem. Let’s get started, boys…

SENATOR ALLEN: Whoa, hold on! Don’t start just grabbing stuff off the walls willy-nilly! This office is full of mementos and keepsakes. This here paraphernalia is sentimental to me.

MOVER: Oh... You mean like this Confederate flag?

SENATOR ALLEN: Precisely. That Confederate flag is part of my heritage. I am proud of being from the South.

MOVER: I heard you were from California.

SENATOR ALLEN: Right. Southern California. Here’s my high school senior photo. Do you see the Confederate flag pin on my lapel?

MOVER: Yessir.

SENATOR ALLEN: My four years at the liberal Palos Verdes High School were a struggle for my independence and sovereign rights, just like the South struggling against the North in the Civil War.

MOVER: And that’s something you don’t ever want to forget?

SENATOR ALLEN: Exactly, except, without Northerners around I just had to beat up the freshmen.

MOVER: Makes sense to me. What’s this shard of broken glass?

SENATOR ALLEN: Oh, boy. That’s from when I was a teenager and threw my brother through a plate-glass window. I get misty just thinking about it.

MOVER: This postcard from Niagara Falls?

SENATOR ALLEN: That’s from a family vacation when I was a boy. I held my younger sister by the feet over the falls.

MOVER: That’s gotta take you back.


MOVER: This X-ray?

SENATOR ALLEN: That’s from when I tackled my brother and broke his collar bone.

MOVER: Uh-huh. What about this broken cue stick?

SENATOR ALLEN: That’s from when I got in a fight with my sister’s fiancé.

MOVER: And that makes you sentimental?

SENATOR ALLEN: When I think back on the amount of force it takes to break a cue stick on a human skull, I tell you, it brings a tear to my eye.

MOVER: Now, hold on, why would you want to keep this old severed deer’s head?

SENATOR ALLEN: That? Well, heh-heh, I’ll tell you, when I was in college I was quite the prankster. One time, I put a deer’s head in the mailbox of a local black family after a hunting trip. Isn’t that a hoot? Now I keep that head to remind me to keep things light, you know? Not take it all so seriously.

MOVER: But wait, what about this giant WWII German propaganda poster that reads: “Beware the Jew Rat”?

SENATOR ALLEN: That’s a little different. I recently came to understand that my heritage is not only white people, but also Jewish people. When I looked into it a little bit more, I discovered that not only does being a Jew have a long heritage, but that hating Jews has a long heritage, too.

MOVER: Heck, that’s in the bible!

SENATOR ALLEN: Amen, brother!

MOVER: What’s this video cassette?

SENATOR ALLEN: That’s me calling an Indian boy “macaca.”

MOVER: You’re keeping this? But, I thought it was embarrassing to you.

SENATOR ALLEN: Now, you listen to me! My momma is French-Tunisian and all her whole life she called dark-skinned people “macaca.” My momma’s momma called dark-skinned people “macaca,” and my momma’s momma’s momma called dark-skinned people “macaca.”

MOVER: Oh, I see. It’s your heritage.

SENATOR ALLEN: Damn straight. I cried the night I called that boy “macaca,” I was so proud...

MOVER: Well, Senator Allen, this is quite a collection of memorabilia. I promise that we will take extra care in moving these treasures for you.

SENATOR ALLEN: I do appreciate that.

MOVER: Just one more question. What’s the noose for?

SENATOR ALLEN: Oh, that silly old thing? That’s just for hanging niggers.

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