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Gensoyko (Japanese for "Danbooru Land") is lolicon heaven. It is where Reimu Hakurei lives and where girls in silly dresses are somehow 200 times more deadlier than expected, unless you can see yourself in the third person in a 2 dimensional Cartesian Plane and have a certain kind of ranged weapon (the ammunition is infinite, regardless of what kind). It resembles feudal Japan, although the lack of any of the aftermentioned girls wielding firearms is disapointing.
In the beginning, Amaterasu created the universe, rendering all that Carl Sagan, Stephen Hawking and the Pope said as bullshit. After that, her brother Susanoo became an ass and decided to try and park his chariot on top of their house, busting through the ceiling and killing one of his sister's guests. Amaterasu hid in some cave because she doesn't want to get involved, causing the sun to disappear for a long time. The other gods decided to ban Susanoo from Heaven, forcing him to find and kill a lizard to claim Excalibur as his own before turning into a Shinto shrine and worshiped by pagans.
Fast forward to the 19th century where technology started mass murdering Youkai and other magical beings with light bulbs, punch cards, cameras and the Heliocentric system, the inhabitants of Gensokyo don't want to face the utter dangers of knowledge and therefore isolated themselves by building the Great Hakurei Border using a bunch of Shrines and fucking magic. This prevented any more Jehovah's witnesses to arrive along with the taxmen who are sent by the Government who owns the land. This also means that any modern object is very important to the world, because a gameboy is just so damn addicting that a vendor who seems to know how everything works thinks it's a mind-control device.
edit Journalist tips
Before going to have the most bizzare yet dangerous vacation in your life yet., you must be aware of several facts about Gensokyo.
Gensokyo is a landlocked area, meaning that beaches don't exist, which means that everyone, including Flandre Scarlet or Miss Grim Reaper With Boobs, really want to go to California, Boracay, Jakarta or Norway really badly and have their legs soaked in saltwater to relieve themselves. It also means that the only way in is through the Hakurei Shrine itself or going to ZUN's place. It also means that Gensokyo is fucked, because there's no shipping deliveries from Switzerland, Portugal and the USA.
edit Heaven Is Near
What Jesus said is true (only to Gensokyo, however), although Jesus is only a myth in their country, unless you happened to find a Portuguese or a British in there who is also a Christian. In fact, Christianity is pretty much banned in Gensokyo unless you realize that those mini statues of Buddha might have catholic crosses behind them or is actually the virgin Mary with baby Jesus and a stupid hat.
So anyways, going to Heaven only takes a simple flight with a flying tortoise or a drunken oni (or in the very least, death). When you arrive there, you will be told by Tenshi that Heaven is boring, which is true considering that Biorn went there once and wanted to escape after finding out that old women inhabit it and not the everlasting bloodbath he expected (See Valhalla). No, seriously. That's it. Heaven = Boring, and the only way to escape it is by hiding underneath Suika's skirt unnoticed and following her. Biorn is yet to find out about this method.
edit Hell is Near
I'm not just saying there's one hell here, but THREE hells, much more hellish than the Battle of Stalingrad even with steroids. Fortunately, one of them is no longer functional, but I'm not sure with the other one, considering that the PC-98 era has been rendered nonexistent, except in a few cases.
In 2009, Makai, considered by some Stupid White Men as the third Hell, finally failed in forever trapping a Buddhist monk named "Byakuren Hijiri" and resurrected her from the dead, making all the natives say that she is the Japanese daughter of Jesus Christ. Butthurt Jesuits came about chaotically, saying that the Da Vinci Code is not even real and that Jesus and Mary Magdalene never had a child. (Un)fortunately, though, nobody cared, since a mass conversion already started. It is unknown if she is still the same as the good monk as she was before or is a faker and is actually the Antichrist, for as we all know Makai is indeed the local apartment for demons.
Let's face it - not a single man in existence can resist the supreme force of boredom, and there are ways for people in Gensokyo to ease their boredoms, ranging from getting drunk, praying to God, staring at Sakura trees, killing each other, making it rain cheerios (deadly, colorful cheerios), making it rain skittles (still deadly, colorful skittles), singing, doing pranks, photographing a random girl's undergarments as she hovers over you, and laughing at outsiders for wearing "ghetto" clothes.
Oh and let's not forget masturbation.
The major religions of Japan are obviously those that are not from the filthy Western peasants, preferably Shintoism, Buddhism and Taoism. Despite these, however, almost every magical entity in Gensokyo emits the Judaic pentagram (AKA the Star of David), so there's a hint that top secret Hebrew agents sent by God were one of the people who landed to Japan with the Portuguese to introduce guns, tempura and slavery.
Christianity is nonexistent in Gensokyo thanks to Hideyoshi having transformed the mighty 26 members of the Third Order of Saint Francis into raw BBQ on sticks. Despite this, Christians just won't give the fuck up and continued their way of preaching underground (see Heaven is Near section). One citizen, however, has managed to create artificial magic by mixing both Christianity and Judaism and having the power to summon big ass crosses with Judaic pentagrams on their center, therefore creating a new religion that no one gives a shit about. This one citizen was originally in the outside world, but since the aura of technology is draining her powers, she could not summon these big ass crosses, so the professors called her a NutsackSchizophrenic x 10^69^316, kicked her out of the university and left her penniless, forcing the poor female dog to stay in Gensokyo instead.
edit Form of Government
Their only governor, judge and police is Eiki Shiki, a bustless jarhead and pretty much the only police, judge, and governor of Gensokyo (indirectly, speaking). She lives in a cottage in Hell and has Grim "Big-Boobs" Reaper as her subordinate, where she will harvest the souls of the already dead, unless they somehow turned into a zombie or has a VIP pass (See Opus Dei and Freemasonry).
Other than that, Gensokyo's form of government is still a mystery, since there are many barfights going on every night.
edit The Moon is Near
Simply find a special kind of mirror. Ask your nearby rabbit for instructions, and then wait for magic. Then voila! You're now in the Lunar Capital, an advanced civilization that is inhabited by anthropomorphic rabbits!
Please be sure that you are either a moon rabbit or at least wearing a spacesuit, or else the gases inside your lungs and your intestines (giving you the nastiest case of shits in your damned life) will burst out through whatever orifice or holes they can slip through, and if you're naked you will turn into delicious beef jerky.
edit Sexuality Of The Populace
Gensokyo is pretty much like Greece, having some really screwed up sexual preferences like MILF or bestiality, but since there's only very few men in Gensokyo as majority of the population are sex-starved women, this makes a lot of sense. Any anthropomorphic or human entities living in Gensokyo happen to have trouble looking for people of the opposite sex to procreate or hang out with, and if they do find a host they will start the dating ritual, even in public.
edit The populace
Anyone in Gensokyo that is a woman and has a stupid ass costume is considered by the Geneva Convention as the deadliest being in existence, considerably much more than Saddam Hussein, Bloody Mary, Vespasian, King cobras, The Pied Piper, or all of them combined... Save for most humans in the Human Village. So therefore do NOT touch, pet, hug, molest, play Blackjack with, stone with, get stoned with, or even talk to any women in Gensokyo that happens to wear a really unique-looking outfit, otherwise you will instantly turn into brain matter house paint.
Here's a list of the only people/ghosts/vampires/gods/zombies/werecows/rabbits/fairies/goths/witches/judge deaths/taxwomen/raccoon dogs that are actually nice to humans:
- Keine Kamishirasawa - A were-cow. She thinks she's the mother of all humans and therefore devotes her life to protecting the Human Village. Works as a part-time teacher, part-time guard, part-time evidence disposer, and part-time cow, because in the full moon she grows horns and gains the urge to headbutt a girl wearing floppy trousers.
- Reimu Hakurei - Obviously on the list because of her job. She will often escort outsiders back to the shrine to bring them back home to the urban world, although that doesn't explain why she hasn't heard of cars (AKA steel horse), bought weapons that can actually kill her enemies once and for all, or took a vacation to Bangkok yet.
- Tewi Inaba - An Earth Rabbit (like, if there are actually Rabbits in Uranus or PSR J1748-2446ad). Will help you escape a bamboo forest, replace your money with taxes, or turn your car into an External combustion engine powered vehicle as a practical joke. Nevertheless, she'll still give you money if you ask.
- Mamizou Futatsuiwa - A raccoon dog (not a raccoon, for all the stupid Americans out there). Just call her name out and unlike Jesus she actually comes to save your sorry ass, similar to 911 or Ghostbusters. She'll even pretend to be you (or Jesus) as, yet again, a practical joke.
- Rinnosuke - Half-human half-demon. Local vendor of modern items, close to being out of business, considering that he's not even selling his stuff in a market city like the Human Village or Tanah Abang.
- Youmu Konpaku - Half-human half-ghost. She teaches locals fencing techniques originally taken from Fencing, Arnis, Kendo and various kung-fu styles. Ironically afraid of ghosts and has necrophiliphobia.
- Eiki Shiki, Yamaxanadu - Makes really boring ass lectures that no one gives a shit about since she keeps warning them about hell. She's the equivalent of a Jehovah's witness, but in 20 doses of steroids.
- Cirno - Freezes frogs for the lulz. Every one out of three frogs that she freezes shatter like talc and are later used as an ingredient for cheap Filipino slushie.
However, here's a list of people/ghosts/vampires/gods/zombies/rabbits/fairies/vandals/witches/cats that are a threat to existence that an individual must stay away from:
- Flandre Scarlet - This 495 year old vampire has been kept in some basement as an attempt to keep her from destroying everything within a 200 meter radius. People make nasty theories about what she did while she was underneath the mansion, like adding a connection between Gensokyo and that war between Lycans and Vampires.
- Yukari Yakumo - Has the appearance of a young adult with old women clothing and the power of 57 TOG2s, 798 Koenigseggs, 15 LHCs, 1/72th of a neutron star and two cups of that one coffee. She may look nice and lady-like but when you slack off, she will turn you into foie gras or curry. Bon appetit!
- Hatate Himekaidou - Like the above, but worse.
- Komachi - Only when you're dead. She will totally fuck you up before allowing you to meet Shikieiki, and if you already know you're going to hell, I suggest you convert to Buddhism or Pastafarianism.
- Reisen Udongein Inaba - A friend of Tewi, an enemy to many. She'll make you insane by spamming suppositories all over your vision until you submit to rectal medication. One look from her and expect to have like, 50 rounds fired up your ass from an AUG.
- Nue Houjuu - She was sent from planet X to try and conquer the world, but failed miserably many times because of The Powers That Be guarding their people. Now that she's a Buddhist, she might have decided to stop her conquest and drink some tea. She will still, however, do pranks if she's bored and it will usually end up with you being cured of constipation.
- Yuuka Kazami - Has the power to control flowers. May seem gay but she can manipulate it to the point that you turn into burning, liquified goulash. She smiles all the time and god-knows-what is behind that simper that is so intimidating that even Arnold Schwarzenegger will cry when she's on his field of vision. Once she sees you and starts making childishly brutal threats while smiling, scream, run like hell, shit yourself, and commit the swiftest suicide possible because she will definitely unscrew your head and shit down your neck[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much].
edit How to get to Gensokyo
edit Train method
Finding a train station leading to Gensokyo is a pretty difficult task, but some claimed to have tried this and said to have seen the Hakurei Shrine somewhere (I'm guessing they're either high or lying).
- Go to Japan.
- Ask every train station for a ticket to Gensokyo, and watch as they laugh at you for being such a fucking idiot for trying to go to "Fantasy Land".
- Ride train.
- Reach Hakurei Shrine.
- Get your head bitten off by Rumia or Yukari.
edit Yukari Yakumo method
- Have a black magician do their black Shinto rituals to try and summon a human-eating youkai with an umbrella.
- Convince the newly-summoned spirit to allow yourself to follow her to a magical land.
NOTE: There are different results for this, depending on her mood or what you look like.
|Ending A||Yukari will kill you and the black wizard, |
|Ending B||Yukari will be impressed with your ability to summon someone who doesn't even exist, so she'll let you come to her in another dimension... And get eaten.|
|Ending C||The two of you argue in a certain topic until she decides to kill you with her danmaku powers.|
edit Reincarnation method
This method is pretty much relying on luck in terms of trying to reincarnate as a newborn citizen in Gensokyo, and, depending on your deeds, will also affect your new form. See HowTo:Commit Suicide, HowTo:Calm Down, HowTo:Play Russian Roulette, or HowTo:Kill Yourself With A Brick for instructions in doing this.
After committing suicide, you will still have to face Farmer Knockers and convince her to let you escape hell and see the wonderland of Gensokyo. If that fails, you will have to climb your way out (Watch Drive Angry or play God of War) in order to call yourself a demon that crawled up out of the fiery depths of Hades'- Oh wait, Hades is a myth. You will have to face the shinigami and either fight your way out or use your social skills to manipulate them into letting you out. Then again, you're already dead, so why are you still reading this?
edit Randomly wandering around a Sakura path
This is pretty much self-explanatory. Just walk around the supposed location of Gensokyo and have a one in a icosahedroctacentillion chances that you will be taken to the Heavenly Hell that you wish to get to in the sake of fulfilling your wet dreams of fingering Youmu after she slowly and willingly dropped her bloomers right in front of-
Pretend I didn't say that.
So anyways, once you crossed through the border for no reason, be prepared to fight against the local forest demons, because they will come for a <insert name here> sandwich. I suggest you sign up for marksmanship challenges from a nearby Ammu-Nation or local crime organization before going to the cute, colorful, magical world of Gensokyo, since every cute looking entity might turn you into reusable materials such as fertilizer (by leaving your rotting corpse on the ground), gunpowder (by setting you on fire, sometimes through cuddly methods) , and probably poultry feed (after crushing your bones with pure strength).
Gensokyo is an isolated and neutral country and therefore, just like Switzerland, will most likely never join any wars whatsoever, although with a few exceptions like the ones in the list below.
- Boshin War (1868 - 1869) - Civil war between the Imperial Court and the Tokugawa Shogunate. Gensokyo didn't participate because they are destined to not give a shit.
- Russo-Japanese War (1904 - 1905) - War between Russia and Japan. Gensokyo never participated, although some of their gods did help a bit.
- Lunar War (1969) - War between NASA and the Lunar Capital. The Lunarians sent an assassin to eliminate the guy who ordered the Apollo 11 mission[WTF?]. They're also suspected to be the cause of the Challenger Disaster.
- Fairy Wars (2010) - Civil war between Cirno and the Three Fairies of Light. Not a war actually, more of a intestine-pulverizing game of tag after failure to convince Cirno to join a union.
- ↑ Meanwhile in Greece, Kratos had ripped Helios' head off and used it as his own personal flashlight.
- ↑ Making Detroit look like teletubbies land
- ↑ ZUN, the god of beer in Shinto, also the creator of Gensokyo.
- ↑ Because if she finds out you will end up as a blood pancake, a meal used by Nazi-occupied Ukraine.
- ↑ Not in the case of people with ADHD, Psychopathy or autism, however.
- ↑ Contains high amounts of quark-gluon plasma and magic.
- ↑ Because only stupidity can summon magic.
- ↑ Not to be confused by the Moro Islamic Liberation Front.
- ↑ Or the same. Hell, gay men have trouble looking for their own kind.
- ↑ Because a lot of you illiterates can't write with enough originality.
- ↑ With the exception of a half-phantom old man and another old man made out of pink gas. Seriously, what's with all the old men in a little girl's world?
- ↑ Make sure you don't have a gun with you while you're in said forest, or prepare your diddy-hole.
- ↑ Or masturbation.
- ↑ Side effects: may worsen diarrhea.
- ↑ Not that head, although you might wish it was not such a painful blowjob.
- ↑ Because they no longer exist