Genghis Khan
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- For other meanings see Khan (disambiguation)
“KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN!!!!!”
~ James T. Kirk on Genghis Khan
“Moskau, Moskau. Deine Seele ist so groß. Nachts da ist der Teufel los. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, hey!”
~ Genghis Khan on Moscow after drinking two bottles of vodka
“Geng... Is that you?”
~ Shao Kahn on meeting his long time lost brother
“Stupid Mongowians twying to bweak down my shitty wall!”
~ China on Mongolians
Genghis Abignale Gothenburg Horatio Hornblower Gambolputty de von Auchfern Schplen Spliten "The Pimpdaddy" Khan (known in Germany as Dschinghis Khan, also called Kangaskhan by his beer buddies) was a part time swede and the muse of Devo, but was mainly a legendary war-chief of Mongol horde that tickled(raped), gave gold, frankincense and myrrh(pillaged) and small gifts(looted) to the ancient China persons, middle-east and american mid-west during the 13th century. He created lot of fear from his victims but inspired many to do great deeds. Unfortunately, he was later killed by feudal serfs when he bragged that he was the greatest man on earth...this slut did not know that feudal serfs are always the best.
Mr. Khan is mainly known as one of the few prominent Asian guys in history prone to domestic violence. Another being Attila, technically a Eurasian.
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[edit] Early life and childhood
Born in Vietnam on August 39,he was a big big fatty 2028 to a Mongol father and a half-Swedish, half-Russian, half-half-and-half mother, Khan was raised in Pensacola, Florida, USA in order for his parents to save money on car insurance (AFLAAKKK!!!!). After graduating summa cum mercilessly from the University of Florida, he returned to Saigon, Vietnam to retrieve his clothes. When the communists took over Saigon, he fled to Mongolia and became the The Great Lord of All Mongols, as well as President of France. Genghis's political efforts were a spectacular success, which proves that Mongols can do anything and don't have to be stereotyped or locked up in special homes, except on Saturday nights. One of his Generals, Stephen Hawking, was half man, half wheelchair. He was said to have to the strength of a thousand small children. He was also a member of the Transformers but was asked to leave on account of his drinking problem.
Genghis became Khan following the defeat of the previous Khan; Kublai Abignale Gothenburg Horatio Hornblower Gambolputty de von Auchfern Schplen Spliten Khan, the builder of the stately Thunderdome of Xanadu, and cousin to elusive and well-oiled British dynamo, Zubair Khan. Uniting all the Khans, Genghis became Kha-Khan, or King of Kings, within five years of his first on-screen kiss attempt. He refused the title Kha-Kha-Khan just four months later, preferring the title Chaka Khan.
Making fun of Genghis Khan is punishable by death and is the reason behind the execution of famous American comedian John Wayne.
[edit] Immortalized by the Poles
A Polish man was walking through the woods and finds a lamp. Having heard all these jokes, he recognized it for what it was and rubbed it. The genie popped out and told the Polish guy he could have 3 wishes.
"Fine," says the Polish man. "I want Genghis Khan to come ravage my country and destroy everything."
The genie gives him a weird look and asks, "Are you sure about that?", but the Polish man just nods. So the genie snaps his fingers, and Genghis Khan and the Mongol hordes come rushing into Poland, driving everything before them and destroying it. Once done, they head back east.
With the smoldering ruins of his country around him, the Polish man says, "Do it again." and sure enough, Genghis Khan and his hordes come rushing into Poland, killing and destroying everything in sight. As soon as they're done, they head back east.
Once again, in the ruins of his country, the Polish man says, "Do it again," and as wished, Genghis Khan and company destroy Poland for the third time.
So the years pass and finally the genie meets the Pole again and asks, "Why?"
The Polish man says, "They had to go through Russia six times to do it."
[edit] Politics
Genghis Khan was a socialist. He was out in these countries for decades, building schools, building roads, building infrastructure, building day care facilities, building health care facilities, and the people are extremely grateful. [1] Consequently, "Further to the right of Genghis Khan", when said to a conservative, is an insult suggesting that he is a girly man moderate.
- Genghis Khan preforms at the Hollywood Gala Statue.
[edit] Genghis Khan Reincarnates
In October 1999, the computer game "Age of Empires" was created by a team of squirrely techno-geek blokes. In it, Genghis Khan was recreated not only in one of the Campaigns, but also in the Scenario Builder. In the campaign, Genghis Khan unites the Mongols, annihilates the enemy tribes, invades and pillages China, and conquers all of Europe. Unlike Genghis Khan's actual rampage across the world, in this game nerds could kill him by pressing "Delete", send him on a suicide mission, or create imaginary scenarios featuring hordes of horse archers by the name of "Genghis Khan".
Genghis Khan's spirit also returned to the 2005 Australian Open chess tournament, where chess Grandmaster Edvins Kengis was nicknamed "Kengis Can" in one of the tournament bulletins. There was much more blood spilt on the chessboard that day.
The latest rumour is that Genghis Khan is currently on another computer game, "RuneScape". However, he is yet to be found by humans - only the game's monsters.
[edit] Impact on world history
Comparable to that of an badger traveling at Mach 3, hitting the face of an unsuspecting democrat.
Current study by the university of Älvdale has suggested that the impact is closer to badger hitting the face of an unsuspecting republican, but as of this day (26/04/2006) it is not yet recognised by the academic community of the galaxy.
[edit] Immortalized by the Japanese
Oh, I almost forgot, that little Island off of Korean Peninsula. See, they kinda worshipped them too. So revered is he that there is a food named after him in which the customer can make a hotpot with the store owner. However, by the virtue of Darwinism, such food has gone almost extinct because the eaten store owners don't get to pass their genes on.
[edit] Trivia
- Genghis has shagged so many women that most of the world is related to him, beat that keidis!
- Nobody knows who were the parents of Genghis Kahn, most recent theory by Adolphonso Detremus, the lord arch dean master of the university of Ouagadougou states that he was a bastard child of Margaret Thatcher and Joseph Stalin, this theory is based on the visions that LADM Detremus had while smoking a brick sized chunk of crack laced with finest afghan heroin, so it must be considered extremely accurate, probable and truthful.
- A study by Bruce Dickinson has suggested that Ghenghis had invented a cure to the cancer, but because Genghis wrote his cure on a piece of scrap paper that was later used by Chairman Mao to blow his nose, the scientists of this day aren't aout of a job just yet. Ja chce genghis kahn.
- Genghis Khan is an anagram of Khan Genghis.
- Genghis Khan married a green japanese oak cat.
- They named Khanada after him.
[edit] References
known unaffectionately as Genghis Khan't to his disappointed concubines.
