Genesis

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Genesis

The cover art for their 1986 hit album, Invisible Touch.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Genesis.

Genesis is a really old band, supposedly created by God Himself, to play weird music, in the Garden of Eden next to the apple tree, to try and keep Adam and Eve away from it. They were successful at this for a while, but then realized that their music was not just keeping those two away, but everybody else too. They were desperate to get an audience so they decided to stop playing, and that's when Eve took the apple and damned herself and Adam.

edit The Very Beginning

In the Beginning, there was God. He was rather bored, so one day he decided to create everything, starting off with the band named Genesis. They started playing, and through their music, the rest of the world came to be, which could explain why the world is such a fucked up place.

edit From Genesis to Revelation

SunflowerwithTeeth

A flower?

Once upon a time, there was a flower, living in the fields next to Willow Farm, when one day, a flutterby called Tony Banks landed on it. This flutterby brought along its musical box and it started to play some damn strange music, which transformed the flower into Peter Gabriel, who started singing. Peter's singing and Tony's playing attracted the attention of some other creatures from Willow Farm, a butterfly called Anthony Philips, a gutterfly called Mike Rutherford, and a random drummer. Together they decided to record and release an album, which failed miserably. This led to the revelation that, certain members of the band were about to be fired. Anthony Philips, after being too much of a coward to play in front of an audience, ran away, trespassed Gabriel's personal changing room backstage, left the band and returned to Willow Farm, where he could live a carefree life with the other butterflies. Gabriel climbed to the top of a white mountain, where he spotted a hermit called Steve Hackett playing guitar. Steve's playing was so divine that it caused Gabriel to have visions of angels, although these were possibly caused by LSD. Now the band was just missing a drummer. This was destined to change, however, when a band named Yes refused to let a man named Phil Collins join for being too much of a whiny bitch. Genesis were on the verge of desperation, and decided to let Collins join.

edit Prog Rockers Genesis

At this point, Gabriel decided to elevate rock music to higher artistic levels, and after spending some time in a nursery committing crymes such as selling LSD to the children, decided to foxtrot over to a studio, and record some music with his band; Tony Banks was eager to go to the studio because he had just stolen a Mellotron that fell off the back of one of King Crimson's touring trucks, and couldn't wait to experiment with it, while Mike Rutherford, after watching the skies for inspiration, had also written a few songs. Steve Hackett had written a guitar solo, his first one since he joined Genesis. Phil Collins whined. The music was so weird that nobody in England actually listened to it, so Genesis were forced to go to places like Italy, where people actually liked the band. Sometime in 1973, Collins' whining became so incessant that Gabriel wrote a song, More Fool Me, in which he expressed his regrets about letting him into the band. Phil himself ended up singing the lead vocals on the song due to his whining about not getting to sing enough. Sometime in 1974, Peter Gabriel was watching a play about a lamb on Broadway, when he ran into a great-uncle from Puerto Rico. In honour of his Latino heritage he changed his name to Rael and soon after left Genesis (mainly because of Phil Collins' whining), to start a solo career in Latin America.

edit Genesis Without Peter Gabriel

Phil101

Phil Collins, aka Mr Potato Head.

At this point, Phil Collins' dream finally became true, he was a singer in a (so called) rock band! He realized that Bill Bruford had never been in Genesis before, and it was tradition for every prog-rock band to hire that man, so he invited Bill to join. However, after just one tour Bruford left because of Phil's constant whining. He went on to join King Crimson. Meanwhile Collins' attempted to make some albums which would match the grandeur of those from Gabriel's era, but he failed miserably, mainly for failing to take enough LSD, Gabriel's main source of inspiration. Steve Hackett, was very displeased when he realized that Tony Banks only ever let him play one single guitar solo since he joined the band, Firth of Fifth, and so, he somehow miraculously managed to convince Tony to let him record another one, Blood on the Rooftops, after which he left Genesis, mainly so that he could actually get to play some guitar.

edit ...And Then They Were Three...

...And then there were three... Members left in the band... Tony, Phil and Mike... Without Gabriel OR Hackett... Genesis was doomed to fail... which it did... ...In an act of desperation... Collins decided to turn... this ultra-progressive band... into a pop monstrosity... They started getting hit singles in the charts... This sealed their fate... and the Crimson King himself... Robert Fripp... Ruler of Prog... expelled Genesis from Progressia... the land where prog-rock bands live... Fripp was too progressive... to be fooled... by ten minute songs... such as Domino... or even instrumentals like The Brazilian... which were simply pop pretending to be prog... ...Phil Collins whined some more and by 1996... even Banks and Rutherford were fed up of him... so they kicked him out... They went on to hire another singer... who is not worth mentioning... and released an album so... incredibly... lamely... pathetic... that nobody in the world... bothered to find out its title... despite calling all stations... It was so bad... that Mozart... decided to banish Genesis... from the world of music...

edit Stuermer and Thompson

Although three were enough in the studio, two more were needed to play live. So they enlisted "Daryl Stuermer" and Chester Thompson. However it has now been discovered that "Daryl Stuermer" is in fact an alter ego of Billy Crystal and that Chester Thompson is a drum machine in humanoid form. Neither "Stuermer" or Thompson were ever allowed to stay in the same hotel as the others when on tour and they often had to find a local YMCA when touring in the UK.

edit Current Status

Since the 21st century started, Phil Collins promised that he would whine as little as possible, so Banks and Rutherford decided to give him another chance, and they reformed the band. They did a tour, but made no money, because they forgot about the existence of tickets, and charging people money to buy them. Since then they have been in the Amazon Rainforest looking for Peter Gabriel (a.k.a. Rael), hoping that he would explain to them how to make and sell tickets.

edit Fun Trivia

  • Genesis composed the theme song to the television hit Quantum Leap.
  • Mike Rutherford once had an IQ of 193, but it dropped to 102 last year when he leant back so far when playing his bass that he fell on his back, injuring his brain.
  • Tony Banks gives every key of his keyboards a good old snog every single night, often snogging hard enough and fast enough to play his complex solos.
  • Phil Collins never actually felt it coming in the air tonight. His lies are currently being investigated by the Ministry of Magic.
  • Their album "Selling England By the Pound" has been released in America as "Selling England American Crap Like McDonalds Restaurants by the Dollar" and in Japan as "Selling You a Hardly-Updated Overpriced Newish Nintendo DS Model To All You Zelda Nerds".

edit See also

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