Genesis
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“Genesis - Great band? Or . . . the Greatest Band? Wait, wait, wait . . . I'm not gonna get laid if I keep thinking like that.”
~ God on Genesis
“And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good. Not great, but pretty good nonetheless.”
~ God on The Creation
“A Flower?”
“Did a twelve year old write this?”
~ William Shakespeare on Genesis
“Meh, when I searched for Genesis I meant the phitt one off FF VII: Crisis Core who reads poems and whatnot”
~ Sephiroth on Genesis
“OMFGZ1111111111 SEPHIROTH!!!!!11111111111POEMZ lolz you are teh 1337z”
~ William Shakespeare on Sephiroth
Genesis is the first book of the Holy Bible written by the gaming company Sega during the time period known as A Really Long Time Ago.
The book tells of the creation of the wang and man by God. Genesis describes God's labor of creating the earth in 6 days and on the 7th day he played Nintendo, which is omitted from Genesis as a marketing ploy by Sega. It tells of man's time in the Garden of Eden (modern day Iraq) before he was cast out for using the forbidden Apple computer. Still today only God's chosen may use the Apple computer. For then he has appeared in many motion pictures as Mona Lisa's Smile, House of 1000 corpses, and Jackass: The Movie.
Contents |
[edit] Genesis As told by the bible
On the first day, God created himself. Thorough boredom developed in God, so He then created television and the internet.
[edit] Modern Reinterpretation of the Book of Genesis
The Book of Genesis (known as The Book of Mega Drive in Europe) is the opening to H. P. Lovecraft's famous novel, The Bible, although some scholars believe that editor-in-chief and famous Roman comedian Moses threw this one in for a good laugh.
[edit] Story
The Book opens with the introduction of the character God, the omnipotent narrator to the rest of the work. Similar to Shakespeare's works, it begins with a brief synopsis of the story. It reads:
- 1. On the first day, God made light
- 2. "Wow," said God. "I'm the shit! Look at all that crazy light out there!"
- 3. He looked upon the light, and it was good light.
- 4. Of course it is, thought God. I'm a fucking god."
- 5. God was satisfied and went to go play ping-pong with His wife Delores now that He could see.
- 6. Suddenly, the light started to go out, and He was upset.
- 7. So He had a stern talk with the light and said "I want you and darkness to stay apart."
- 8. And so darkness went to the corner to smoke up with God and light was all by himself.
- 9. God named the light after His wife, Delores, and called it Delores' Always Yelling or DAY.
- 10. And He named the darkness something cool, like night
- 11. And it was so.
- 12. On the second day, God did a couple things. He felt perky after His morning cup of joe.
- 13. First, he needed a legal residence so He could order the Ikea catalog. So He created heaven.
- 14. Then, he made earth, with dry bits.
- 15. Finally, he made food, because Delores didn't get the groceries on time.
There is some discrepancy about the second and third day. It is widely believed that the second night was when his friends came over to celebrate his achievement and he spent the third day hungover.
- 16. He went to bed, satisfied.
- 17. He awoke on the fourth day at around noon.
- 18. Angered, he made time and an alarm clock so He wouldn't sleep in again.
- 19. He went to sleep again...just to test it out.
- 20. He awoke on the fifth day...but on time.
- 21. Now He wanted something to take His wrath out on (other than the young Jesus...He thought the kid was a little slow in the head)
- 22. So He made animals. Cute ones, ugly ones.
- 23. He was satisfied, and had a drink.
- 24. And then another.
- 25. And then another.
- 26. And then He made the Platypus, and by accident, made and killed the dinosaurs.
- 27. He awoke hungover on the sixth day, and wanted medicine.
- 28. So He made people to invent it. He called these people Man (because His wife was being bitchy that day...He was going to call them Women, really).
- 29. And just like that, he caused a huge load of shit to go down.
- 30. And then He wanted Music. Good stuff. So He created The gods of Rock (hence AC DC), who invented music by stringing dinosaur guts across a canyon.
- 31. God then created uncyclopedia.
The story then morphs into a porno where a lonely, muscular man with a huge penis named Adam (it is generally believed that the name belongs to the man, not the penis) goes around naked. Eventually God gets sick of seeing him masturbate, and makes Eve, a gorgeous, long-legged redhead with a craving for sex. Adam, now quite an expert with his hand, doesn't want Eve as much as she wants him, so she turns to a desperate python for sex. The snake takes her out to dinner where she eats an apple. Simultaneously, God finds out about it, calls her for cheating on an already sad and lonely Adam and almost turning the race of Man into a snake-human thingy, and casts her out of paradise. Adam, now a total pansy, is also cast out because God doesn't want pussies in paradise.
Humans inbreed, and one of God's favourite goes crazy and builds a huge boat called an ark, after an aardvark (who were at that time over 90 feet tall). God likes him, and during a phase of denial about his insanity, goes out of His way to flood the earth to prove him right. God realizes what He has done, and waits for things to breed again.
After hundreds of years of brothers marrying sisters, people get another idea to build a huge tower, the Tower of Babe, after the really hot girl who thought it up (Babel is widely agreed on as a typo in the billions of copies of the bible produces). God thinks it should be fine. Once again He celebrates His achievements with His friends, and after a bottle of vodka smites them all and accidentally gives them language. Keep in mind that during all this, He's still hungover, as no one has invented Advil yet.
Finally, the book ends with God accidentally starting the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and worse, taking sides. In later books He announces his neutral stance in this controversial excerpt from the Book of Corinthians:
- 48. And the Lord said "Listen, guys."
- 49. "I'm pulling out of this thing. All the best luck to you, Israel, but I made that deal 42,000 years ago. Sorry for ruining your plans."
- 50. And Israel said to God "Fine! You can't do anything to us!"
- 51. And God sighed sadly, and walked away.
This is agreed upon by scholars as the reason why the Jewish peoples have been persecuted at every known point in history. Alternatively, it is believed to be the reason why there are so many of them in the entertainment industry.
[edit] Themes
The Book of Genesis is generally accepted as centering around the following themes:
- Public Transit Issues - It is well known that the world would be a lot more populated if Noah could fit ALL the animals onto his boat.
- Safe Sex - Some scholars believe that God had to wipe out the world with a flood because too many people had sex. This is meant as an encouragement to use protection.
- Judaism - It is believed that when the New Testament was written and the two books were put together, Christian scholars almost removed Genesis. This is primarily because it encourages converting to Judaism, as all the prophets and people who speak to God are Jewish and he does support their side in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
- Inbreeding - Most scholars believe that God has a thing for inbreeding because He only created two people who thus had children whose childrens' children got it on with each other who kept getting it on with their relatives. Eventually when the world's population got diluted, God flooded the world so that inbreeding would start all over again.
- Anti-Unionization - Throughout the book, there are various digs at union leaders, workers co-operatives, and any sort of initiative towards helping the working class. At several times God smites individuals for having "unholy unions", and He smites those working on the Tower of Babel with multiple languages to prevent them from bringing power to the workers. The best proof, however, lies in the creation of a 6 day work week, when union leaders asked him to make the world in 5.
While all of these ideas are accepted, the latter is the most agreed upon.
[edit] Controversy and the Book of Genesis
Perhaps one of the most controversial books ever written, the Book of Genesis is blamed for endorsing dangerous views such as bestiality, sexism, anti-Palestine sentiment, creationism, and Tom Selleckism. While most of these views are endorsed, the living relatives of the author generally try and defend it.
[edit] Bestiality
“Bestiality was all the rage when I wrote it! I was just giving people what they wanted!”
~ H. P. Lovecraft on Bestiality
- The sexual tension (and eventual release) between Eve and the Python in the Book of Genesis is largely believed to be an endorsement of bestiality, or at least human-python sex. In reaction to this, the Catholic Church briefly requested that all Books of Genesis be destroyed and removed from future publications of the bible (April 17-19, 1988). Shortly after, they realized that the scientists could re-enter Kansas schools, and republished the book. Darwin, for the 1,950th recorded time, rolled over in his grave. These limited edition copies of the bible are now collectors items (ebay price: $39 ,000).
- On the other side of the argument, a group known as the North American Man-Python Love Association was created to endorse the legalization of bestiality as a God-given right. This movement, however, died in 1990 after their leader was strangled during sex by his pet boa constrictor.
[edit] Sexism
“The Vatican would like to announce that it still believes that all women are nymphomaniacs, and likes it that way.”
~ The Pope on Sexism in the Book of Genesis
- The Book of Genesis contributes greatly to the belief that all women are nymphomaniacs. The Catholic Church has officially stated that they like it this way. No movements against the book have been made.
[edit] Anti-Palestinian Sentiment
“And Israel shall have Massad, the best intelligence service in the world, and so it shall be as I have said it so”
~ God on the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
- It is often believed that the Book of Genesis is the primary cause of the Palestinian initiative to destroy Israel. The books blatant anti-Palestinian sentiment is often the cause for much concern within the Vatican, primarily because it is seen both as supporting a war of faith AND supporting the Jews. This, according to the Vatican, is unreasonable.
- The fight between Palestinians and Jews began with a simple statement from the Book of Genesis, towards the end, reading:
- 190. And God said, "Damn those Palestinian dogs! They're always on Israeli land!"
- While the negative views on a Palestinian state are never addressed by religious leaders, it is often the topic of much discussion at the dinner table.
[edit] Creationism
“The Lord don' make no monkeys who turned into dem Hew-manns! Says right here, right here in my book of the LORD! God made Hew-manns the way they is now! Tell that to those godamm hickory sticks in New England! And don' get me started on dem Canucks!”
~ Random Hick on Creationism
- It is agreed upon by many scholars of the faith and otherwise that if God were to make a Newer Testament, he would apologize for even mentioning creationism in the Book of Genesis. It is a well recorded fact that since the legitemit beginning of time (approx. 2:30 PM on a Sunday afternoon about 49 billion years ago ((error of margin: 2-5 minutes))), crazy nut jobs around the world have held this up as proof of God's creation of man in its current form, thus obviously disproving the ridiculous notion of Evolution.
- While many people choose to call these people "Baby Drowners", "Kitten Huffers", and "Romans", they do actually have some proof. In the Book of Genesis, God is noted to have said that humans were created in his own image. However, no one said God was a man.
- In fact, the Vatican, on several occasions, has announced its selfishness in thinking that God looked exactly like them, and if not them, the Pope. But unfortunately, this is not so. God, to start off with, was a single-celled amoeba organism. Millions of years later, it is widely believed and proved using FBI Aging technology that God looks a little bit like a humpbacked whale with a tumor over its left eye. This, therefore, disproves the theory of creationism.
[edit] The Stoner's Genesis
“I don't remember this shit.”
~ Jesus on The Stoner's Genesis
In the late 1970's, Hilary Clinton (before having a sex change operation and changing her name to Hugo Weaving) wrote her version of Genesis while tripping on multiple doses of purple haze and listening to Jimmi Hendrix.
We've only managed to find the first couple of chapters.
The Genesis (lulz!)
Chapter 1: The Shred
In the begin, God (who was in fact Jimmi Hendrix) ripped a guitar solo so hard there was a flucuation in the empty space which created Earth.
He spent his time on Earth wasted on purple haze, but he started running short, so he created Adam and Eve to make children to enforce child labor sweat shops to make more purple haze for him.
Everything was going good, until one day Adam smoked that purple haze and had crazy sex with Eve.
Needless to say, Jimi was mad. Mainly cause he wanted to tap that ass. So he went down to see what the hell was going on.
Adam knew he was going to get into some serious shit, so he put all the blame on Eve, and she basically got fucked over (she didn’t even think about filing prenupt when all this shit was going down).
Chapter 2: Some Jew Shit
So skipping ahead, because the rest is pretty gay, Moses got called out by God.
God spoke to him and said "Yo Moses. Go pull some jew shit with the pharaoh and hook yo people up wit some freedom and shit. I’ve got your back homes."
So Moses went down to the pharoah, who was chillin in Cadillac Coup De Ville. He put a gun to the pharaoh’s temple and told him to free his people.
The pharaoh was like "damn nigga jus chill. I’ll let yo people go, but you best run yo ass off or i’ma kill you mutha fucka."
So Moses and his jew people ran their ass off until they hit the river. God had kept his promise and put enough plastic explosives and C4s in the water to make Hiroshima look like a firecracker. The water split open and they ran like crazy hell.
Chapter 3: God’s Party Yacht
Jimi was trying to throw another crazy ass party but he needed to do something that would throw every other party over the top. So he made his main nigga Noah hook his ass up with a huge ass Ark.
Noah’s dumbass made it too big for it to run in any basic river. So Jimi said to him "I’m gonna make it rain up in dis bitch and it’s gonna flood like crazy hell. You my nigga so i’ll hook yo ass up, but you need to find my other peeps and get their crazy asses on this mutha fuckin boat."
So Noah got all of Jimi’s peeps and he sent their asses on the boat, and they all were jus chillin. They went to go check on Jimi cause he was just going to make it rain enough to make the boat float, but he passed out (he was wasted as fucked) and so it rained for 40 days and 40 nights.
Jimi woke up 40 days later to see Noah fuckin his own daughter and was like "dude...gross"
Chapter 4: The Great Bet
Jimi was chillin in the club when he met this girl in the club named Mary. They had a one night stand, and he got her ass pregnant (She reminds me of my ex girlfriend). She was all freakin out cause it was her first time, and she didn’t say anything until everyone could tell the bitch was pregnant. She was still going around saying "I’m still a virgin!" (she was a horrible ass liar).
The night of Mary’s conception was a horrible and screaming bloodfest. We’re just lucky they didn’t have video cameras back then.
They baby was born. It was a boy, but he had a horrible face defect. Mary was like "He looks like a Jesus to me." Her mother said "Mary, the boy looks like a fuckin raptor."
So they comprised and the boy’s name was Raptor Jesus
Raptor Jesus (They called him Jesus for short) was into some freaky voodoo shit, but had a kind heart. So he used that voodoo shit to help out some niggas, and make the rent on his apartment.
Now being ugly as fuck and into freaky voodoo shit doesn’t get you much ass, or friends for that matter. Jesus only had 12 friends.
They were like "Jesus, you should come to this party these jews are throwing." So they went down and Jesus showed them the trick of turning water into 40 oz’s.
Jesus said to the jews "Hey, I bet you I can do some crazy ass shit." The jews said "Ok. What can you do?
He said "I bet you if you nail me to a cross and kill me, then I will resurrect myself 3 days later."
The jews were like "Dude, fuck that. Watch as soon as we kill you our people our gonna get shit about it until the end of time."
Jesus was like "C’mon homes. Don’t be such a pussy about it." So they took the bet, and three days later he resurrected himself like he promised.
He still had a hang over from three nights before, and couldn’t remember shit, so he thought everyone had tried to kill him. So he decided to leave to Japan to learn the ways of the samurai.
There, Jesus studied sword fighting and (like his father) guitar shredding. Later on, Jesus would change his name to Jimmy Paige and play lead guitar for Led Zeppelin.
Jimi finally got bored on Earth and decided to return to heaven to get high on purple haze without getting shit from the mass media.
He claimed the Earth will end one day, but this is coming from a guy who spends 90% of the time high on purple haze.
The End.
We've asked Hilary ("Hugo") about this and she simply replied:
“I'LL FUCKING EAT YOUR CHILDREN!!”
~ Hilary Clinton on The Stoner's Genesis
[edit] Tom Selleckism
“What?”
~ Tom Selleck on The Book of Genesis
While Tom Selleckism is not an official or bonafide part of the Book of Genesis, many parts of the story seem similar to major plot developments in Tom Selleck's famous show Magnum P.I. It was not until just recently that people discovered Tom Selleck's full name was Tom Selleck-Genesis. This was most disturbing, as the Vatican never has and never will support the dying career of Tom Selleck.
[edit] Fun Trivia
- Genesis composed the theme song to the television hit Quantum Leap.
