General Quincy Huffenstuff
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“My men and I shall not die at the hands of ant fetuses!”
Since the dawn of time there have been certain incidents which the hierarchy of civilization deem unfit to be shared with future generations, this is what experts refer to as factus condemnapus . A few famous examples of factus condemnapus that come to the mind are are the Armadillo invasion of 1806, Revenge of the Tacos, and of course, The Cherry Bomb Lucky Charms Debacle of 1981. Society keeps events such as these a secret, as to not worry the younger generations of idiots. However, perhaps the most significant example of factus condemnapus, is still only known by about a handful of people, and it is what is referred to as "The Secret Century". "The Secret Century" took place at around 246 A.D., and was a time period that to this day remains undocumented.
|Date of birth:||August 4, 54 S.C.|
|Place of birth:||Eshnunna, Mesopotamia|
|Years of Service:||72sc-75sc|
|Rank:||Private, Colonel, General (Mistakenly)|
|Date of Passing:||April 16, 75 S.C.|
edit Early Life
Born on August 4th, in the 54th year of the Secret Century ( 54 S.C.) was a 7 oz baby boy. He was the son of Aligatorion Wesley Huffenstuff, who chose to name him General, in honor of his father, Cholo S. Huffenstuff, who once slapped a British General for recreational purposes.
edit Auto-Rotational Sports
General Quincy Huffenstuff was a rather average child growing up, except for his fascination with auto-rotational sports, which were quite popular during The Secret Century. Auto-Rotational sports include Interpretative Spinning, Speed Rolling, and Tire-Swing-Circling. General Huffenstuff was the Mesopotamian Auto-Rotational League (ARL) Champion seven years running, winning the title every year since he became eligible at the age of eleven.
edit First Stint in the Military
It has been speculated as to how many more championships Huffenstuff could have won, had he not been drafted to the Mesopotamian military in the year 72 S.C. Once in the army, General Quincy Huffenstuff's first name caused much confusion as to what his rank was. When Huffenstuff was a lowly private, he was mistook for a major general, and had to lead a group of 5,000 men into battle. After the onslaught that ensued when Private General Quincy Huffenstuff attempted to take on 10,000 armed and angry Mongolian men while equipping his own soldiers with just bananas, only Huffenstuff and six other of his soldiers survived. When asked why he gave his soldiers bananas to fight with, as opposed to real weapons, General replied that bananas were a more "environmentally conscious" alternative to swords. Whatever his reasons may have been, his commanding officer didn't want to hear it, and upon Huffenstuff's arrival, he promptly did what he thought was demoting him down to Colonel, and suspended him from the military for one month.
edit Suspension From The Military
One day during this suspension, Colonel General Quincy Huffenstuff was walking down the street when he glanced over and saw the most beautifully chicken-like woman the world has ever seen. This woman was Carlitos Jahoka Madik, world renowned chicken look-alike. Realizing her incredible foul like figure and appearance, Huffenstuff realized that she was the woman that he wanted to marry. He imagined what their half-chickenish babies would look like, and he could resist her no longer. He approached her and uttered three simple words "Mother my child". Of course, human anatomy was very different back in The Secret Century, so all that was needed to be done to impregnate a woman back then was to hold her hand. And so Carlitos firmly grabbed the hand of Colonel General Quincy Huffenstuff, she was "knocked up", and the two of them got married on the spot. After their honeymoon, Quincy was able to return to the military, where he resumed his status as a Colonel.
edit Second Stint in the Military
After completing his suspension from the military, Huffenstuff resumed his status as a Colonel. Balancing caring for his pregnant wife and serving for the army proved to be difficult for General, especially because of the horrible cravings that Carlitos experienced. Some were so bad, that all she could do was cluck until she consumed the food that she wanted. One of her worst cravings came about 7 months into her pregnancy, when she desperately craved a sour green star pear. Carlitos Jahoka Huffenstuff was clucking on her bed like a crazy person, unable to move or do anything but cluck. General Quincy Huffenstuff felt so bad for his wife, that he decided that he had to get her a sour green star pear. Of course, this would be very difficult because, as we all know, sour green star pears are found exclusively in the Appalachian mountains. However, the Appalachian mountains can be quite treacherous, so Huffenstuff gathered his men, and they set out on their journey. They traveled for days, until finally arriving at the base of the mountain. They were about to begin their hike, when they encountered a pack of man-eating ant fetuses.
edit The Second Banana Battle
Unfortunately for the Mesopotamian military, the ant fetuses mistook the Mesopotamian soldiers for Mongolians, who the man-eating ant fetuses have hated ever since The Cheese Wiz Fiasco of 204. And so, as any normal man-eating ant fetus would have done if it thought that Mongolians were invading their land, their leader declared war on Huffenstuff and his men. Colonel General Quincy Huffenstuff quickly realized that they were outmatched by the army of ant fetuses, and promptly declared "My men and I shall not die at the hands of ant fetuses!" Despite the political incorrectness of that statement (an ant has claws, not "hands" as Huffenstuff said), General kept his word. Him and his men hid in a cave until the man-eating ant fetuses went through metamorphosis, and became full grown man-eating ants. However, this was a horrible idea, because there are two major differences between a man-eating ant fetus, and a full grown man-eating ant, 1. an ant fetus' mouth is where it's anus should be, and vice versa, but more importantly 2. a man eating ant fetus quintuples in size during pupa state. So Colonel General Quincy Huffenstuff and his men were now facing huge man-eating ants that were 20 feet long, and 12 feet tall; they had no chance. Huffenstuff and his men emerged from the cave, fully equipped with the finest fighting bananas known to man, and prepared to fight the hundreds of man-eating ants waiting to devour them. And they did devour them. Everyone of the 500 men in Huffenstuff's troop was eaten
Every one of the 500 men in Huffenstuff's troop at the Second Banana Battle was eaten, except for General himself, and the way that he survived was miraculous. During the battle, Huffenstuff encountered a man-eating ant fetus that had not undergone metamorphosis due to birth defects, and remained a fetus. Somehow, the Colonel understood that the man-eating ant fetus would let him go free as long s he drank his own urine. Well, Colonel General Quincy Huffenstuff was a reasonable man, and when faced with the choice of death or the consumption of your own excretion, well, General would choose pee drinking any day of the week. And so, the Colonel "relieved himself" into his canteen, and drank it up to the very last drop in order to save his life. The thoroughly amused ant fetus let Colonel General Quincy Huffenstuff walk free, and he was the only human survivor of this inter-special war. However, he refused to go home to his clucking wife without a sour green star pear, and so he continued his search. He climbed to the peak of the mountain, but still, he found nothing, so he had to start down the other side. Then, after days of wandering, there it was, beautifully majestic, a sour green star pear bush. This was the only sour green star pear bush on the entire mountain, and Quincy was not going to be stopped from getting to it. However, there was a bit of a problem, the bush was on a cliff, and there was huge hole in the ground in front of it. Huffenstuff walked up to the crater, and was pleasantly surprised to find that there was a slight incline leading up to the it. General realized he would have to jump over the gap, but he didn't know how, how could he accelerate fast enough to make the jump over the crater? But then Huffenstuff thought back to his days in the ARL, he was the fastest speed roller Mesopotamia had ever seen, and he knew what he had to do. He walked about 50 feet back up the hill, and got ready to roll. He lay down on the ground, and began his rotations. He rolled down the mountain at world record speed, and thought that no one was watching him achieve this feat, he was wrong. Lying on the floor of a cave about 20 feet away was Private Raul Ernald Wastfer, a member of General Huffenstuff's troop. Before the story can be continued, you need some background information on Raul: Raul was in critical condition, a man-eating ant had cracked open his skull, and was eating poor Wastfer's brain. Now, as everyone knows, as a man-eating ant eats your brain, the first thing that goes is your ability to speak in rational sentences. Luckily, the ant hadn't eaten that much of the Private's brain yet, and so his speech was only limited at this point. Legend has it that Private Raul Ernald Wastfer could only say four words at a time. However, with only two thirds of a brain math is very difficult to do, especially counting. So the number of words that Raul could say would really be anywhere from 1 to 10, of course if he said 11 words then what's left of his brain would explode. So Wastfer was trapped in this cave, his brain being eaten by a giant ant, watching Colonel General Huffenstuff roll down the mountain in attempts to propel himself up the incline, and onto the cliff. But Raul knew that this was impossible. You see, he himself had tried to roll to freedom, but he failed, and was plummeting down the gap when a giant man-eating ant grabbed him, and brought him back to his cave. To return to the story, General Huffenstuff was rolling down the mountain, when Raul Wastfer, in a last ditch attempt to save the poor Colonel's life, uttered five simple words. "Slow your roll, General Huffenstuff" Raul managed to say, but it was no use. General was going too fast, and by the time he heard Raul, it was already too late for him to stop himself. He rolled into the abyss, and right then, on April 16th, 75 S.C. Colonel General Quincy Huffenstuff fell to his death.
- ARTISTS RENDITION: RENDERINGS SHOWN IN THIS IMAGE ARE EXAGGERATED AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN AS LITERAL DEPICTIONS OF THE SECOND BANANA BATTLE. FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND REFERENTIAL MATERIAL ON THIS BATTLE AND OTHER HISTORICAL EVENTS PERTAINING TO THE SECRET CENTURY, PLEASE CONTACT CONTACT HUFFENTSTUFF HISTORICAL LLC [ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.]