General Joseph B. Colton
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Colton, Joseph Brady|
Warning: May cause decapitation, blindness, sore neck, and other side effects.
|Born||Central Falls, RI|
|Nationality||Pure Blooded American|
|Other names||"G.I. Joe", "Chief", "Master Chief", "Master Chief Colton"|
|Education||West Point Military Academy|
|Occupation||General of the Army, U.S. Military|
|Known for||Savin your ass from Cobra, you bastard...|
|Net worth||He's fuckin priceless, duh|
“Till the sweat drop down my balls, till all you bitches crawl”
Joe Colton "The New George Washington", the original G.I. Joe, is a fictional character from G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero, a line of military-themed toys created by Hasbro. He's not a doll... he's a bad ass motherfucker and he has an M60 that will tear you and that shitty chopper in two, faggot.
Joseph B. Colton graduated with the highest honors from the United States Military Academy at West Point in 1960. An expert marksman, he was recruited by Special Forces, and later became a Special Forces Green Beret. During service overseas, he participated in numerous combat operations, but saw minimal acknowledgment, as his missions were "ultra" classified. In 1963, he was appointed by then President John F. Kennedy to create and command an "ULTIMATE freedom fighting force." It was at this time that he received the code name G.I. Joe.
He later "retired" from active military duty, and was placed as the head of a secret Strategic Defense Initiative installation in New York City. There he served with the lead scientist, G.I. Jane, who originally maintained cover as a combat nurse. General Colton may also have several connections to the land down under as he was deployed multiple times in the Gulf of Mexico for classified operations during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
edit President of the United States
In an alternate reality version of Lady Gaga set in the Transformers univsere, General Colton is portrayed as the POTUS, creating an intergalactic protection for the United States of America. In order to stop the US from ever being attacked by the auto-bots again Colton creates an interconnected web of satellites and space defenses.
President Colton doesn't care what the international community thinks. He's a Real American President, and he's gonna do what he damn well pleases. No surprise there, he's 4-dimensional! The Auto-bots will never get to the cyborg technology that enhances Colton's natural born leadership skills.
He, his Vice President Clay, and Secretary of Defense Hauser have plans for the Autobots who have invaded their world. Those wishy-washy Decepticons and their loser kid hanger-ons? They'll deal with them later. But right now Colton has a date with Destiny from across the street and she is wearing a tank top today for fuck sakes. After that he will be watching the Patriots kick off and to be quite honest I wouldn't fuck with him once he starts watching NFL.
edit John F. Kennedy
General Colton was fabricated entirely by the "Secret Societies" as a replacement for John Zombie Slayin Pimpin Fitzgerald Kennedy in 1963. Colton was ordered to report to Washington D.C., to his surprise, to meet his counterpart, the president. He was subsequently served New England clam chowder and baked beans and given special orders to create and command America's new elite fighting force, codename "G.I. Joe" under the Department of Defense.
edit Assassination Hoax
Kennedy left Colton with his lucky shamrock as he boarded Airforce One for Dallas, Texas. Colton was pictured standing next to Oswald shaking hands with what appears to be the Devil, or maybe just Dick Cheney. The following day as Kennedy staged his assassination so that he could start his retirement in Jamaica, Colton moved throughout Dallas in search of any remaining flaws in their elaborate plan. He later had to clone Oswald with a rubber chicken suit to assure Dick Nixon couldn't spot him.
There is nothing Colton hates more than crawling undead beasts from hell. As long as we continue giving him access to top secret military grade machinery, well, we don't have shit to worry about, now do we?
edit Colton Texas Ranger
One of Colton's many other multiple personalities include that of former animals rights activist, none other than Walker "Ranger" Chuck Texas Norris. Both of which sport a kung fu action grip and grow beards like real men. One time after freeing the beast all over a horde of yeti's, Joe fried hamburgers on the hard drive of Optimus Prime.
edit Medal of Honor
Colton was a recipient of the Medal of Honor from World War III and World War IV. He received this, the highest military honor awarded by the United States of America, for his actions in the Second American Revolution on December 21, 2012, where, after all of the other Marines in his platoon were killed or wounded, he operated four machine guns, singlehandedly stopping an entire Cobra regiment.