Gene Simmons
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“I am the walrus.”
“I invented the crossbow.”
{{Q|I am the one who destroyed Oscar Wilde's junk. |Gene Simmons on Oscar Wilde {{Q|I am the one who will elimate Osama from the face of the earth. |Gene Simmons on finding Osama bin Laden. Gene Simmons (born Shemuel Goldstein Rosenrosen Goldberg Jewstein) is a founding member of "Kikes in Spandex Sells" (KISS), a rock band formed in New York in 1973. He was born in the bathroom of a White Castle when his mother slipped on a pickle while giving head to a Mexican day laborer in the city of Boner. Upon finding out his father was not named Juan, Gene left Jewsburg and took off to New York City, to teach Spanish ... in Spanish Harlem. He would save all of his money to buy comic books to bribe his male students with so they wouldn't tell on him for utilizing "Good Touch, Bad Touch".
He was washing his shoes at a laundromat when he was approached by "a very gay man" named Paul Jewsowitz (Paul Stanley), who was looking for money to buy another batch of Matzo for his mother. They hit it off, after snorting mad quantities of "Brooklyn Dust", which wasn't really a drug, but an early form of (Ritalin). They went to Studio 54 to find their fame as Solid Gold Dancers, but instead ran into a bum named Ace who had a pet ally cat named Peter and they formed a band (KISS) nad we've regretted it ever since.
Gene Simmons is now 59 years old and continues to tour with his band and can still sing, when he is not dodging marriage proposals from his partner of 24 years, (Verne Troyer) or denying reports he is the half brother of uber gay diet guru (Richard Simmons). However, we have obtained a very rare family photo of the Simmons brothers, taken at Glamour Shots in 2007.
[edit] Gene Simmons, Inventor
IN August of 2009 a website appeared on the internet that has listed (and continues to list) all of the things Gene has invented. From the "7-10 split" to "road rage", it can all be found online if you look hard enough. It has been rumored that Gene is the inventor of Uncyclopedia, but no further information was available at the time of this edit.
Gene Simmons later posted a response to the Uncyclopediadic above, saying, "I don't know what you're trying to say, but you need to calm the fuck down, man."
