Gem Archer

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A Gem Archer.

This is Gem Archer, as you can see he clearly doesn't know what's going on. Three seconds prior to this he was felt up from behind by Liam, and was then promptly teabagged by a rather horny Noel.

For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia think they have an article about Gem Archer.
“He's A Fuckin* top Bloke though, inne tho. who's got me fucking coke?”
~ Liam Gallagher on Gem Archer
“Why do I have to Quote on everything?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Gem Archer
“Ooooohh... he's a lovely little boy isn't he? mmmmmmmmmmm...”
~ Pete Townshend on top of Gem Archer's childhood

Gem Archer (pronounced with a hard 'G', like 'Gay boy', yeah, we do all just say it with a 'J') (born 7 December 1966) was born Colin Murray Archer in Durham, County Durham, Durham County, Engrand, Britain, America, and is an Engrish musician best known for his work with Heavy Stereo sets (such as the famed sony cassette stereo) and Oasis, mainly the summer fruits flavour, which he designed the packaging for. He joined Oasis as rhythm guitarist in November 1999, and handled lead guitar as well. He also contributed towards the writing of some of the band's songs. Oasis broke up in August 2009 due to a law suit from an anonymous Noel Gallagher who cried when Liam broke his guitars. In November 2009, Liam Gallagher announced he was writing new material with Gem as well as other ex-Oasis members minus his brother Noel, although he was quickly confused as he couldn't figure out what the answer to 'ex-oasis members minus Noel' would be, luckily for him, Gem stepped in and told everyone about Trevor's new suit (Trevor being the codename for their dealers).

edit The Edge and The Contenders

The Archer began his musical career in a group called The Edge in the early 80s. They released seven singles: Take A Seat On My Lap and Little Girl Blue.

When he Started at Willington Parkside School in County Durham, Durham County, Engrand, Britain, Iraq, The Edge existed in varying re-incarnations of Jeff Walker, which is weird seeing as he isn't dead, Gem’s high-spirited, best "friend" also on guitar, with a local son Michael Chesters on drums. Due to their Insatiable eagerness to re-incarnate dead people, the doctor gave them a lolly-pop.

Once at Durham New College he recruited a lead singer in Simon Scott, an in the style of the New York Dolls.

Gem, Michael Chesters and Jeff moved to London and formed The Contenders in early 1987, playing at the Bull & Gate in Kentish Town and other venues, often with friends 2 Lost Sons, who at that time were a three piece using Roland 808 and 909 drum machines for their live act and if you know what any of that is you need to get a life. Gem's Contenders stage outfit was a black boiler suit with "THE CONTENDERS" written down the side in large white type. After The Contenders split, Chess joined the 2 Lost Sons as drummer which laid the foundations for Heavy Stereo, with Gem taking over the role of singer from Pete Downing's Buddy Holly look-a-like brother Phil.

But seeing as you are now bored, here is a nice site with animals being pounded to death: Don't click here, really it's bad, you'll get a virus, and AIDs, Funny AIDs... yeeesss, that's right click the link, go on, it's good. ha now your not gonna click it are you, is it or is it Spinning Animals round, you may never know. Take a chance and find out? or die not knowing whether you could have found something to tell your "friends" tommorrow?

edit Heavy Stereo

When Whirlpool split in the early 90s (when Oasis Formed by coincidence, i don't think so!), Creation Records signed Gem with Heavy Stereo, a glam-rock sounding band that he formed with bassist Nez (Nintendo Entertainment Zystem) and guitarist Pete Downing (later Pete Doherty). Despite supporting the Beatles at their historic Knobworth and Loch Lomond concerts in 1996, the only Heavy stereo album, 1996's Déjà Voodoo did not enjoy much critical or commercial success, this was mainly because of the pulics' rejection to dark magic and also because of the excessive weight of the album and his hot video at [1]. However, Heavy Stereo's next release did receive more attention through demos of new material, an acclaimed contribution to The Jam jar, Fire and Skill - Songs Of The Jam, and opening on a Paul Weller tour. Archer recalls "We'd got a Paul Weller tour." However, work on the record was put on hold when Archer's mother became ill from being seriously ill with illness.

edit The BeatlesOasis

edit Joining Oasis

Whilst at home in Durham, having returned to care for his mother, Dave heard a report on The Big Breakfast with eggs that Bonehead (not his real name, penis reference) left Oasis after a massive brow with Noel Gallagher. He, Gem, claims "I thought, what a Shithead! They'll split now and it's all that cunt's fault. I was a real fan, and I'm not just saying that." Archer was actually saying that and goes on to say "For me, Oasis had breathed life back into rock 'n' roll, despite them being a Brit-pop band." He was unaware that Noel Gallagher – after going out for a drink with Tony Blair - had rung his home in London, at least until he answered the phone. Once Archer's mother had recovered, Gallagher invited him to Olympic Studios, where Oasis were mixing Standing on the Shoulder of Giants with a John Lennon mix tape they found in Liam's loft. "We went to the pub and I couldn't stand not knowing if I was a part of the band. After less than half a pint of Guinness I said: "What does Liam say?" And Noel said, "It's my fucking band. I'll have who I want." Archer claims the rest of Heavy Stereo were pleased for him to join Oasis although they would have been undoubtedly pissed at him for selling out to join Oasis.

edit Initial Failures

Since Archer did not perform on the 'Standing On The Shoulders of Giants' album, he was not sued by the British government for stealing words off their pound coins and, for the first few performances, was paid a standard session wage, about £85 a gig, as the new Oasis rhythm guitarist. His first official duty was to appear on the "Go Let It Out" video – on which he played lead guitar, because Noel's lazy ass hadn't signed Andy Bell yet so Noel played bass with Liam on rhythm, which didn't work out well.

edit Main Work With Oasis

Though Archer was officially referred to as Oasis' rhythm guitarist, his role in Oasis was much more than that. Archer also had a role as a songwriter, ('so how's that workin out for ya, gem. yeah that's what we thought'). His first songwriting contribution after joining Oasis was Hung in a Bad Place, but Noel moved it and it eventualy appeared on Oasis' 5th album Heathen Chemistry and was said to resemble Heavy Stereo, luckily they all think hes all right now so they didn't complain much. His role was expanded on Oasis' sixth studio album, Don't Believe the Truth, which features Archer's "A Bell Will Ding" and "Love the Talibans' Bomb", the latter of which he co-wrote with singer Osama Pootana. He also contributed the B-sides "Eyeball fickler" and "The Quiet Ones" – an acoustic song. He also wrote "To Be Where There's Life" on the 2008 album Dig Out Your Mole. Archer has said that he found it quite daunting to submit songs for consideration to the band because of Noel Gallagher's statue as a songwriter, whom he cites as one of his favourite songwriters. Archer, in rare occasions, contributed backing vocals to Oasis songs, such as on "The Meaning of Soul" from Don't Believe the Truth, and on live cover performances of Oasis' The Who's "My Generation".

edit Lies?

Andy Bell highlighted Archer's significance to Oasis saying "Oasis has completely evolved. Noel's old mates have left, he's been divorced and really changed his own life around. He still has Liam but his relationship with Liam is different — it's more tempestuous. He needs a less extreme mate and Gem's it. Gem chills Noel out. And that makes Oasis a more stable ship."[citation definitely needed]

edit The Happy Meal Incident

Noel Gallagher quit Oasis in August 2009, following an argument with his brother in Paris over a McDonalds. Gallagher placed part of the blame for his decision to leave on Archer, and Andy Bell, for a lack of support saying "the lack of support and understanding from my band mates has left me with no other option than to get myself a cape and seek Gotham City.", most people find this unfair as it was clearly Liam Gallagher's happymeal and he didn't break Noel's happymeal toy. Soon afterwards the band announced they had made like a banana and split. However, Archer, Bell, Liam Gallagher and Oasis drummer Chris Sharrock decided to work on a new project "beady eye"

edit Archer's Life Outside Of Oasis

Okay.. There's not really anything to write here, but who knows, maybe he'll do something that's worth mentioning in the next few years, maybe.

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