From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This page is or discusses a loony and/or nutty conspiracy theory of which Uncyclopedia vehemently denies knowledge and existence. The black helicopters are not ^on their way.|
The Gaza War, more accurately described by the Arabs as مجزرة غزة, the Gaza Massacre, was a typical example of
Palestinian whining Israeli aggression toward Palestine gone way too far. The Palestinians are noted for their whining-especially strident when 3/4 of their country is stolen and the rest turned into holiday camp swimming pools for Russians. It started on December 27, 2008 when Israel, after being hit by a water balloon, 3 large pens, and maybe a few rockets for a prank from Gaza, Isreal decided to be all genocidal about it and started bombing Gaza as a riposte prank. America was more amused than after the Kuwait fun invasion. Hamas, the democratically-elected leaders of a people desperate to be free from Jewish oppression and gefilte fish , rightfully counterattacked Israeli cities with crudely-constructed falafels and mortars; not enough to do any real damage, but miraculously they were able to reach the shitholes of Beersheba and Ashdod.Yitzhak Jejewestein gathered the falafels and promptly opened a snack bar to sell them.
Israel, being the "Jews" they are, launched a major ground attack on Gaza City firing matzoh ball mortars,phosphorus sherbets and depleted hotdogs, effectively making them the cause of the resulting massacre.Israel has been a bit touchy and twitchy since Jimmy Carter and his band (the UN) sang about freedom,bar snacks, and justice.
Gaza is a beautiful, ancient city along the Mediterranean coast. It was founded by the Ancient Egyptians sometime before Jesus was born. It has changed hands many times over history; belonging to the Babylonians, the Greeks, the Romans, Some Guy, and finally the Arabs who brought with them a religion of peace that only wants everyone to be treated equally and fairly. Unlike Judaism,
in which everyone is a rich bastard and you are taught to hate and persecute people who aren't Jewish which also rocks.
Today, it is an Islamic state ruled by Hamas, an organization determined to liberate Palestine from Jewish occupation. The local Sharia law encourages women to dress modestly to protect them from horny men and damaging UV rays, bans undesirable substances such as alcohol and pork, and has a near-perfect human rights record. Even the UN supports them more than Israel, which means for sure that Palestine is better. Gaza is one part of the country of Palestine (so called because Israel has always been so pally with it) Israel has even helped Palestine with a very successful diet:incredibly both the country and the people have gotten slimmer as the years go by. The NYT bestseller Book based on this fantastic regime 'You too can have a body like a Gaza stripper- and in less than 60 years too'is a featured text in most ISRAELI SCHOOLS.
Main article: Jewish history
Israel has a long, violent history of oppressing people of other religions, but it reached a climax in the late 1800's when the Zionist Movement encouraged Jews all around the world to come steal land from the native Muslims. Jewish immigrants, supposedly escaping persecution but we know that's not true because they control everything, started gathering in Ottoman Palestine. By the end of WWI, their numbers challenged the native people who had lived there for thousands of years. Then, in the early 1930's, Some guy you've never heard of named Adolf Hitler rose to power in some country you never heard of named Bora Bora (or some place in Europe), and made it his mission to kill Jews, Blacks, Ethnic Poles, etc. Unfortunately, he only killed about 3 and a half Jews (not 700 trillion to the second power as the media tells you), but the Jews made a big deal about it and used Winston Churchill and Rossevelt (who were both Freemasons and Jews. Coincidence? I think not! conspiracy theory! Or is it?... Oh, Fuck it.) to form a terrosist state named Israel in 1948. The Arabs, however, saw through Israel's farce and led a huge attack on them immediately after the state was founded. Unfortunately, they were repelled all three times.
Israel is a rogue state who's only porpoise is to harbor Zionist scum (harbor dolphins) to keep them safe while they secretly take over the world with the help of Zim. Unlike Gaza's progressive, gay killing Sharia law, Israel has a crappy version of Western law, which encourages women to dress like sluts so as to make it easier for men to rape them, sells undesirable things like beer and heroin, and has an appalling human rights record, according to the UN.
Fast forward back to January 3, 2009, when Israel begins their "Final Solution," if you will, of the Palestinian Muslims. The IDF (short for Ifucking Djewish Fmurderers) ruthlessly invaded the Gaza Strip, raping and murdering the defenseless citizens. Hamas tried the best they could to defend the citizens with polish beer, Chuck Norris, and Mr. T, but they were outnumbered by the Philistine invaders. The slaughter was inevitable, but the freedom fighters wouldn't give up no matter what. Unfortunately, the murderous Zion Jews then proceeded to kill hundreds of Palestinians in the greatest act of mass murder since the watching of BRIGHAM YOUNG . Israel also had to destroy thousands of homes, schools, power plants, water towers and kill about 1400 people including 300 children to defend itself. The Jews occupied Gaza for weeks, cutting off the supplies to the area just so they could watch the Palestinians starve.
The UN Reacts
At the following United Nations meeting, the officials condemned Israel for their astonishing war crimes in a completely unprovoked attack. People all over the world rightfully began rioting and protesting Israel's unforgivable actions by attacking there own Jewish people and their businesses in what was almost a world united against Jewish control, but unfortunately the hype died soon after, proving unsuccessful against Communist Zion Nazi Mexican Chinese Jews control of the media.
Due to the genocidal levels of civilian deaths at the hands of the homicidal Jews, it faced international pressure to let humanitarian aid into the city. So on January 7, Israel reluctantly opened a humanitarian corridor and agreed to stop fighting for three hours at a time to let supplies into the city, just to have them taken or destroyed when they resumed their ruthless attack. Because Hamas was so desperate to hold back the Israeli rampage, they had to fire some rockets at the IDF while they were forced to not shoot people. On January 17, Israel finally stopped their Palestinian Holocaust and claimed victory, ignoring the fact that they had ruthlessly shot and killed innocent cililians and children in their barbaric attack. America began to wring it's hands and issued a statement saying "please stop stealing more land until we discuss your selling back the land you stole before" Israel issued a statement through special envoy comedian Tommy Tiernan. It read "fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off'. The Americans said this represented a great stride forward as there were only 8 "fuck offs" this time symbolizing a Channukiah of "fuck offs". America promptly gave Israel another 100,000,000,000 dollars and 100 helicopter gunships for air sea rescue and for the popular peace flotilla board game,
Preparation for the Inevitable
Hamas had actually prepared for the inevitable war, having realized that the Jews would stop at nothing to achieve their goals. To prepare for the assault, they built an elaborate system of tunnels that ran beneath houses, schools, and offices, probably so that the kids and civilians could be safe from Israeli fire. Hamas was actually very resourceful and smart in their preparations; they had put booby traps in houses by putting explosive mannequins and possum traps that would explode upon an IDF soldier shooting it. This was because they knew that the Jews would go for the houses in their attempt to commit a genocide of the citizens of Gaza and the Zionists were, by now addicted to stealing other peoples houses despite a 12 step UN abstention program. They also put explosives in schools and roads so as to deter the IDF's advance. In fact even, Ron-Ben-Yishai, an IDF commander, stated himself that entire blocks of houses were booby-trapped with explosives for the Israelis. This just shows how resourceful and hard-working the Palestinian citizens as a whole are, compared to the fat, greedy JEEEWWWWWWSSSSSSS.
Freedom Flotilla Incident
On May 31, 2010, the Israeli government's storm trooper devils feigned insanity yet again and attacked a flotilla of angels bound for the Gaza Strip. This incident, like Operation Cast Lead, was internationally protested and denounced. And for good reason—the ship attacked was clearly a humanitarian vessel; and also; since when have any supplies bound for Gaza contained anything other than food and toys for for the kids? It's ridiculous to claim that it might have contained firearms and bombs, because only
terrorists militant radical Muslims use those; and everyone knows that there are none of them in Gaza (okay besides for Hafada). The Israelis would never let those kinds of supplies in there. That's why it had to shoot 9 "terrorists"(really clowns and party planners) multiple times from close range, and wound dozens more and then threw a party in the ship.Jews love parties. Coke floats all round .