Gaza War

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Gaza airstrike
Fireworks marked the start of the great "urban renewal" project.

The Gaza War (Arabic: مجزرة غزة, or Gaza Massacre; Hebrew: עופרת יצוקה or Gaza Cake-Walk) was a notable advance in the art of urban renewal that replaced some ancient buildings with holes in the ground to create a more Art Deco landscape. The primary social workers sent in to modernise the Gaza Strip were Israeli soldiers.

Background

Formation of Israel-Palestine

Lots of people have owned Israel over the past thousand years but at that point in time the Jewish and the Muslim states of Israel and Palestine were sharing it and sharing the wonderful garden wall which happens to divide it. The area is sometimes known as the "Holly Lands" and the garden wall provides great support for the holly to grow up. However it was soon found out that the Muslims had their own Holly Lands in and around the city of Mecca and so were being a bit greedy by forcing Israel to share some of the Jewish Holly Land. This was brought to light in the early 2000s when US President George Bush ran his 2004 Presidential election campaign with a foreign policy slogan of "Mekahr [sic.] not good enough for you?" when addressing the "Muslimiferisification" of Israel. The Christians also felt slightly put off as they also had a claim to Israel as their Holly Lands, however they had required the Ivy Lands of Scandinavia so weren't too put off.

The Gaza Strip

Royalflush
Gambling in the Gaza Strip offers odds unavailable anywhere else.

The Gaza Strip, though distinct from its counterpart in Las Vegas, is largely similar, with multi-storey tourist hotels, glittering casinos, and a space needle with a roller-coaster ride down from its nuclear tip. Israel built the "Strip" so its citizens could relax after a hard day in the kibitz telling other people how to tend crops.

The Strip was named after American actor Ben Gazzara, during a phase in which knock-off programmes flooded Israeli television; not only 77 Gaza Strip, but Run for Your Life, a programme about an ideology with only two years left, seeking to make the most out of the remaining time.

Sadly, the Gaza became overrun with Arabs claiming a flimsy historical birthright to the land going back as many centuries as Israel's own claim. It was a case of anthropological He-Said-She-Said that laid the groundwork for a perfect impasse, employing thousands. Indeed, full-time employees engaged either in defending one side of the border or threatening the other side form the basis for the bustling economy of Gaza.

Harmless little "prank"

On December 27, 2008, the Palestinians completed a space programme to boost their country's economy, and fired the first test rocket at Israel. Palestinian spokesmen asserted that this was simply a "prank." Israel immediately started their own space programme, hoping thereby to learn the meaning of the word "prank." They reasoned that perhaps the answer was written in large letters on the dark side of the Moon. When they found that this was not the case, they turned to a more difficult method of obtaining hidden meanings; namely, Google Translate. Unfortunately, the Hebrew Google censored out Arabic and so a database of Arabic scriptures was needed to add Arabic to the Google Translate settings.

To solve this vexing mystery, the Israelis finally resolved to capture a number of Palestinian libraries, in order to learn Arabic themselves.

Israel, with still no reply from the Palestinians on the dictionary definition, launched a major search and translate military funded expedition into the Gaza Strip to capture the key libraries. In doing so they dramatically changed the landscape of Gaza creating the beautiful city you see today. Some criticism arose, however, when reports claimed that the Israelis may have used child labour to renovate the harbour area.

The invasion

Ribbon-cutting in Parral
Happily, many Palestinians could be detained with nothing more than a stiff ribbon.

On January 3, 2009, the foreplay abruptly ended in favour of actual penetration. In a military operation Israel playfully code-named "Final Solution," the IDF (International De-Islamification Force) entered "The Strip" and disarmed the citizens of their paint brushes and took to painting the town red. They then moved to occupy the Palestinian public libraries and photocopy the Arabic texts within them. Hamas, defending its citizens with Polish beer and the borrowed Russian weapons, were outnumbered by the IDF and the romp quickly became a rout, as J. R. R. Tolkien wrote something vaguely like. The Red Cross, which was not affiliated with the UN and did not even used to believe in global warming, sent a relief ship with more Polish beer, but it spontaneously sank just off the coast of Gaza without delivering the savoury reinforcements.

Withdrawal

Gaza smoke
University professors lit up several large "splibs" to celebrate their new chance to ply the West with a new victim story.

The Israeli soldiers had captured enough Arabic scriptures to upload to their own google translate database and so the International authorities asked them politely to withdraw. The Israelis then asked for a twelve day extension period to finish off the front escarpment to the Rimal district's secondary school. The extension was granted and the Israeli forces withdrew once it was complete.

Arbitration by the Americans

Kerry
Secretary of State John Kerry shows the technique he used to pry open a dialogue between the two warring parties.

The United States, conveniently located only one ocean away, stepped in to arbitrate the impasse, reprising its role since the Clinton days of "honest broker": an arbitrator so neutral as not to care to distinguish a provocation from a response. The "honest broker" is modeled on the "honest stockbroker," the guy who told you to buy shares of Enron because you didn't have enough stock that starts with E.

America's best mathematicians were mobilized to devise a way to unify Gaza with the West Bank without simultaneously slicing Israel in half. The only solution these Ph.D.s could devise involved both countries thinning to zero width in the same place — presumably Jerusalem — where Euler's "seven bridges" would be built to allow everything to pass except Weapons of Mass Destruction. Ingeniously, this would replace the Arab/Jew conundrum with an even tougher brain-teaser. But both sides rejected the solution.

Aftermath

The paint dried quickly in the hot Sun allowing the new look of Gaza City to stand out against the slums surrounding it. Despite some criticism about leaving the interior ceilings of certain buildings the original brown-yellow colour - which certainly did not look good against the red - the Israeli redecoration had been a success. Their "Urban Spacing" scheme of removing certain buildings in the city to provide more living space for inhabitants and sand pits for kids to play "find the rubble" in worked well and the citizens of Gaza were enthralled by it.

The Arabic database for Google Translate was constructed under great secrecy in the Israeli Intelligence Headquarters, Jerusalem. There, intelligent people spent 40 days and 40 nights typing the Arabic scriptures up onto their new computer software. The software then crashed leaving Dave the IT man to explain, "Well love, wot you got 'ere is what we at Microsoft call an error in the computer. I can 'ave it fixed by Tuesday if you want." After it was fixed the Israeli parliament crowded round the skype link to the secret underground bunker where the Translating software was kept and watched as Dave typed the Arabic writing into the translate bar. It turned out that the word "prank" does not directly translate into Hebrew as God of Israel did not have the sense of humour that could match Allah. Instead the results were "Did you mean: Circumcision". The Palestinian spy who'd hacked the link suffered a serious fit of laughter and had to go to hospital for two weeks when he realised what this meant.

The database of the Arabic language on the Hebrew Google was destroyed as to keep up the values of censorship and stop Israelis from understanding the Arabic manuals supplied with dodgy flat screen TVs. The Israelis understood that if they did ever need to read Arabic again they had enough US funding to launch another expedition into Palestinian libraries a second time round.

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