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“A lifetime of listening to disco music is a high price to pay for one's sexual preference.”
“Disco's out. Techno defines my sexuality now.”
“Your superlative aesthetic sense reminds me that I am happily married with two children.”
The gay pride, or simply pride, campaign of the gay rights movement has three main premises:
- that all people of all sexual orientations should be proud, not ashamed, of being young white middle-class gay men;
- that sexual diversity is a gift to young white middle-class gay men;
- that sexual orientation and gender identity are inherent and cannot be intentionally altered, unless of course you are bisexual and therefore only fooling yourself.
Pride Parades are held worldwide on whatever is likely to be the most hideously hot day of summer, wherein young white middle-class gay men of all colours, ages, gender identities and backgrounds can walk down the centre of the main street of their city wearing three leather straps and a peaked leather cap to
pick up guys show that they are proud to be who they are. (And pick up guys).
Many celebrities and hangers-on attend marches, such as Gandalf, Gloria Gaynor, Sandi Toksvig and that guy from Eastenders, not specifically because they are gay, but to gather
free publicity the pride, love and respect that can only come from the gay community.
Gay is normal!
The most important message of pride day is that gays are just normal people. This is clearly demonstrated by prancing down the middle of the main road of a major city dressed only in a silver jockstrap that leaves your pasty white arse hanging out. Exposing your breasts, penis or indeed both is also a highly effective way of emphasising your typical nature and empathy with mainstream culture. Comical papier-maché ones work too.
Busloads of tourists are the best people to direct this demonstration towards. Japanese tourists will obviously come to understand and fully appreciate the "guy-next-door" nature of homosexuality when they see five men in full drag having a public orgy in the middle of Old Queen Street.
The rainbow flag
“I have to say I have met a few queer bashers in my time. A good time was had by all.”
The homosexual contribution to aesthetics and culture is vast and undeniable. Homosexuals throughout history have been responsible for such massive quantities of artistic output that present-day proud gays need only vaguely allude to their predecessors' efforts to take full credit for possessing the creative genius nature, whether or not they are in fact airheaded twinks taking amyl and Ecstasy five nights out of seven and with the personal creative output of an insufficient number of monkeys with typewriters. And if you don't think so, you're some sort of homophobic queer-bashing Nazi.
The inherent gay aesthetic sensibility reached its public peak with the spread of the rainbow flag, designed such that at least one colour will clash jarringly no matter what it is placed against. The flag contains all six colours of the rainbow, bisexuals being represented by the seventh colour that does not exist.
Openness to diversity
“Oh, we got both kinds. We got disco and techno.”
Diversity is welcomed and deeply respected in the gay subculture, and it is accepting of all varieties of young pretty males with cute arses and nice dicks who have never had a sexual thought toward a woman ever, even after six drinks and when they think none of their friends will find out.
Lesbians, and particularly their prodigious drinking, are absolutely welcome at gay clubs, provided they have the common decency to know their place in the pecking order and not try to get in on a Friday or Saturday, when fag hags are the only women permitted entry. Else the venue might have to actually install a womens' toilet or something, which would, um, spoil the architectural clarity of the building. Yes, that's the reason. Lesbians are reminded that the dance floor is not a bumper car arena, and you may be asked to leave if you pick a fight.
Middle-aged gay men who lack a fabulous body may come to the event; they are warned to stay in the bears' pit and not drool over, or lust after, the bronzed young Gods of Pride. Those caught doing so are knighted with the dreaded title of troll by the Gods of Pride. They can bestow this title freely because they are young, beautiful and certain that they will never become a troll themselves.
The respect for diversity is such that the common abbreviation for queers is "LGBT", which stands for "lesbians, GAY GAY GAY MEN W00T BOYS GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY UH-HUH UH-HUH and
tr*ns." (Bisexuals don't exist.)
Fag hags are diverse too!
Each Pride event concurrently hosts Fag Hag-A-Rama, a celebration of big beautiful women with big beautiful love for gay men. Though never formalized as its own celebration per se, it gives the straight, overweight woman friend of every gay man at Pride a chance to get out in the sun, wear a "cute" tube-top and a pair of "fabu" sun glasses. She may even get swept-up in the moment and take to splashing in the fountain where she will have a whale of a good time.
Always supportive, fag hag brigades (and bisexuals, who are allowed to exist at this time) will stay behind after the party moves to the bars and assist with the Pride clean-up, because cleaning up the messes left behind by gay men is why the fag hag exists. When finished, they too will go to the Danceteria, where they will sit alone all night at the bar, sipping grasshoppers and waving at men on the dance floor.