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Years ago, gay simply meant happy. It was a simple innocuous adjective used to describe the time had by Fred Flintstone (to-wit: a "gay old time") whilst eating muffins or blowing a bassoon, or anything else, for that matter. You could have a gay day without having to stick anything anywhere, and even if your surname was "Gay," you could probably get through school with most of your own teeth. Then everything got really complicated.
Charles Darwin, who knew quite a bit about evolution, asserted that homosexuality had "no evolutionarily useful attributes." As the "homosexuality gene" is passed from parent to child, and homosexuals do not breed, Darwin predicted that the species Homo sexualis would become extinct within a single generation. Darwin was stumped as to how the "homosexuality gene" evolved into existence in the first place, but it is now an article of faith at New York coffeehouses.
Gayness has been called "the love that dare not speak its name." This is before it became the love that won't shut-the-fuck up about it.
Today, the word gay has four uses:
- A man who enjoys other men's penises and/or bottoms but doesn't like vaginas or breasts.
- A woman who enjoys other women's breasts and/or vaginas and doesn't let men watch when they do.
- An insightful witticism. Although the genius of the insult is without question, it seldom has anything to do with penises, vaginas, breasts or indeed bottoms.
- A man or woman who is happy, and is unaware of the above definitions, usually because he has been asleep for the last thirty years.
Persons who are not gay are referred to as straight, although gay people are frequently quite straight in their own right.
Gays in pre-history
In ancient Greece, you could screw pretty much anything you fancied, animal, vegetable or mineral and didn't even have to ask, unless of course it was a dinosaur. Gay-bashing still existed, but sucking off a man was far less adventurous than tugging off a lion, so no-one gave a monkeys; especially the monkeys who still bum each other silly to this day.
Here cometh men of virtue
"In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. Etc, etc, etc..."
God got angry because man was actually starting to have more fun than him, and established the Ten Commandments to mostly eliminate fun. When no one really listened (especially to the one against adultery), He committed adultery with a virgin, who gave birth to Jesus. Due to His fashion sense, Jesus' various sexual advances were rejected by Angel Gabriel (pictured), a man, and even a sausage. In his rage, Jesus banned sexualising anything with a plonker, leaving him to wander the desert for forty days with nothing to suck on.
The deity-bashing continued long after. When a miniature Bonsai tree mocked Buddah's minuscule manhood he added his weight to this prohibition and Abraham revealed his support
'cos it's the thing all the cool kids do. Muhammad also backed the new rules but no one made fun of him because his followers kill people.
Public admission of bum fancying became taboo for 2000 years and everyone carried on as before but just didn't tell the priest or their dads. Then in the 1960s some stoned hippies decided it would be "right on" to "liberate the gay oppressed minority Maaaan", and as a result we now have to listen to everyone banging on about sodomy again.
A Sin of Biblical proportions
|Before they lay down, the men of the city, both young and old, surrounded the house; and they called to Lot and said to him, "Where are the women who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us that we may have relations with them." But Lot went out to them at the doorway, and shut the door behind him, and said, "Please, my brothers, do not act wickedly." Now behold, I have two boys who have not had relations with man; please let me bring them out to you, and do to them whatever you like; only do nothing to these girls, inasmuch as they have come under the shelter of my roof.|
And The LORD saw that it was good.
In our modern world, gay men and lesbians (but especially gay men) are at the center of most western cultures, secretly ruling the governments of Europe, North America and some parts of Latin America. As a result they have become the most powerful group of people in history. In some areas, the gays in power have allowed heterosexuals (a.k.a.- straights or breeders) to maintain their delusions of being in charge by allowing the suppression of equal rights for gays through laws.
Increasingly, more straight men are allying themselves with their gay counterparts. This began with the Straight Guy-Lezzie Friendship Movement, but in recent years many straight men have realized the important benefits they gain from having gay male friends. [It is an especially excellent way for the straight friend to gain access to Poontang he would otherwise be socially barred from entering.] Sometimes, these Straight Guy-Gay Guy (SGGG) friendships develop into Bromances - romantic, non-sexual, extremely-close relationships between the two friends. Two straight men may also develop a Bromance, but the strongest and most beneficial are those stemming from SGGG friendships. It is now not uncommon to find straight men dragging their gay male friends to gay bars in order to take advantage of the free drinks from the bartenders and to boost their egos as they are checked out and hit-on by patrons.
- A fag is a cigarette. Unless you're homophobic (see below), or a fag.
- A faggot is a bundle of wood or a sausage. Unless you're homophobic, or a bundle of wood, or a sausage. Got it? Basically, you are not allowed to use the word fag, unless you're a fag, in which case it's obviously considered fine. If a fag knows that you are homophobic, then using the word fag could be considered offensive.
A dyke is a fag who is female. This term comes from the Dutch dijkke. It is insulting, even though connoisseurs of fine pornography believe that watching two women fondle one another is beautiful, while watching men do the same thing is just gay.
There is a name you can call people who are against fags and dykes. It is homophobe. Homophobia is a fear of homos. If you study the term, in either a coffee-house or a state legislature, you will discover that it is not the fear of the homosexual — for example, that a homosexual will sneak up behind you and hurt you by hitting you with his purse. It refers to your fear that you might be a homosexual yourself, and simply not know it. Millions of people who have never had homosexual relations or even impulses, by this theory, are unwitting homophobes.
By implication, all the small-town politicians who want new laws against homosexuality are homophobes who secretly want to make life difficult for themselves.
A homophobe who actually suspects that he is gay — that is, a person whose fear has a rational basis — can be honored with the double insult "self-loathing homophobe." This awards style points to the insulter.
Very few things in our public policy debates are black-and-white. A useful alternative for the moderate is to be bisexual. This means two-sexed (and not half-sexed, which would be the vanishingly rare disexual). Bisexuality is the agnosticism of sexuality. Rush Limbaugh (pictured) has called bisexuality "the most gutless decision you can make" as it is really no decision at all. Limbaugh claims that bi's are the most selfish individuals, as their sexuality is merely a ploy to ensure the absolute maximum number of possible partners (bestiality being outside the scope of this article).
Why are people gay?
Apart from the ongoing nature-versus-nurture debate, the most common reason for homosexuality is simple laziness:
- Courtship is simpler, as gays generally don't have to pretend they are wealthy (or, sometimes, even handsome) and never have to go to the theater or art exhibit, or especially watch Chick Flicks, to humor the object of their desires.
- Gays are easier to be talked into anal sex, as there is no competing hole to decide on.
- However, if one has talked his partner into anal sex, not being gay is an advantage as he doesn't have to kiss a man with a beard afterwards.
Some people are gay simply because they think women are "a pain in the ass." However, they don't know the half of it.
Not Funny? Try sticking these up your...
- Gay Body Types
- Gay Marriage
- Gay Pride
- Gay agenda
- A Guide to Gay Pubs of England, with Noël Coward
- If you read this you are gay
- Mr winkler is GAY
- Pupate Homosexual
- Rough Gay Wolf Sex
- The Gaylord
- You Are Gay
- UnTunes:Be Gay
- Gay People
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