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The woman on the left is clearly breaking etiquette by being Asian.


Gauche is one of the most important and ignored words in history, and can mean socialy lacking, crude, idiot eye, etc. It is important not to be gauche. Therefore, here are some pointers on avoiding it. This article could have been called HowTo:Not Be Gauche, but fuck that namespace. Fuck it in the ear.

edit Avoiding gaucheness at the table

Table map

Visual aids like this are so gauche. Quit looking at it.

At the table, the fork goes on the left, and the spoon and the knife go on the right. You can remember this with a simple pneumatic device. "Fork" has four letters, and so does "Gche", which is "gauche" with none of the vowels except one. "Knives" has six letters, and so does "Adroight," which is French for "right," except with an A in the front of it. Wait, that has seven letters. Well, hopefully this has been helpful.

Placing the fork on the right side of your plate is considered gauche. Don't do it. Also, it's important to constantly put your silverware back on the table when eating. The proper etiquette for cutting a ham, for example, is to stab the ham with your fork using your left hand, and then cut off a piece using your right hand. I mean, using the knife that's in your right hand. Don't use your right hand, unless you have very sharp skin. Then drop your knife, switch the fork over to your other hand, and by this point you shouldn't even be hungry anymore. Also, be sure to exclaim "Ha, ha, ha! An excellent jape!" at regular intervals.

Sawing off a piece of food with the knife in your left hand and then using the fork that's already stuck in the fucking meat with the hand that's already fucking holding it is gauche. At least, according to my ex-wife, may God have mercy on her soul.

While this is gauche, it is even gaucher to pick up the knife with your left hand, and then stab the waitress to death and have sex with her corpse while drinking the blood from her many, many stab wounds. This will cause the other guests to exclaim, "How gauche!" And I'm told that such an exclamation will reduce your social standing somewhat.

edit Avoiding gaucheness at work

Certain standards of professionalism must be maintained at work. Otherwise, you are likely to be... well, not fired, I guess, because everyone I work with is a douchebag and they haven't been fired. But you're likely to be something.

For example, it is important to dress professionally. When in doubt, put on a tuxedo. A tuxedo never says "gauche." A T-shirt that says "I fucked your mom," on the other hand, says "gauche." It will cause your co-workers to exclaim, "How gauche!" And I'm told that such an exclamation will reduce your social standing somewhat.

Full frontal nudity is also gauche in this situation, unless you adorn yourself with a towel. If you remember to adorn yourself with a towel, the message your co-workers will receive will be less "I am gauche" and more "I am a mentally challenged individual who believes he is in a locker room." Although some of your co-workers may not appreciate this, your bosses will, because hiring mentally challenged individuals gives them tax breaks. And tax breaks are like naked chicks to employers. Seriously, if you opened a "tax break club" with a bunch of pole-dancing accountants, you could just fucking rake it in. I should do that after I finish this article and this beer.

edit Avoiding gaucheness in prison

Prison is a weird situation, because a lot of people were put there for varying forms of gaucheness, such as rape and murder and masturbating in public libraries. So you'd think that it wouldn't be important not to be gauche when incarcerated. Well, you'd be wrong.

Okay, but gaucheness in prison. Contrary to popular belief, there is very little gay sex in prison. That is because gay sex is gay, and prisoners tend to be highly indisposed towards gays. Therefore, refrain from turning to your cellmate and saying, "I say, good sir, would you like to engage in some gay sex with me?" That, in fact, is gauche, and it will cause the inmates on your cellblock to exclaim, "How gauche!" You can probably fill in the rest by now.

Rather, the correct way to have gay sex with your cellmate is to say "Excuse me, chap, but my abductors are feeling a little weak, and we don't seem to have the proper exercise equipment in the yard for me to remedy this situation. Perhaps you could help a nigger out. We shall strip naked and engage in some Greco-Roman wrestling; that will give me just the exercise I require."

See, no one can accuse you of being gauche in that situation. It's a reasonable fucking request. Prisoners go through a lot of trouble to maintain bulging, veiny abductors. Also, Greco-Roman wrestling is kind of fun. It makes me feel like a philosopher.

edit Embracing gaucheness

There are times, however, when it is necessary to avoid avoiding gaucheness and just fucking embrace your inner gauche. Srsly.

Let me give you an example. Let's say some Jehovah's Witnesses come to your door. And you answer the door with a beer in each hand and a cigarette in your mouth and a bong glued to your chest hair. And they say, "Sir, have you found real happiness in life?"

Now, the non-gauche thing to do would be to say, "Indeed I have, as you can see by my accoutrements. Now, if it please you, please remove yourself from my doormat."

But what good would that do? Instead, try being a bit gauche. Say "No! I haven't found real happiness! But I had a dream last night that there was a tower and it was watching me. What am I to make of that? Also, I wish I had a circle of friends who ostracized me from the real world and made sure I could only speak to people who I agreed with!"

But that's not the gauche part. The gauche part is when you show them your penis.

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