Gary Numan

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RW050304GaryNuman-36

Gary Numan has something seriously wrong with his arse.

Gary Numan (born Gary Anthony Bartimaeus James Webb on 8 March 1958) is a legendary English singer, songwriter, Machman, and mainstreamed Nu metal.

edit 1970s

BOWIENUMAN KICK

THIS IS STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARDUST!!!!!!

First off, Gary Newman was Gary Oldman, he then met a very powerful person called Gary slightlyusedman who changed him into Gary Newman and showed him the power of synthesis and weird hairstyles. After recording an album's worth of punky demos that The Jam didn't want, he was signed by Metropolis Records and quickly released two singles, neither of which charted nor mattered. Angered by his failure, he began to engineer the Tubeway Army. Most of the original machines Numan constructed were known as Bombers, and years later he was known for producing the Rape Machine. The things they do you wouldn't believe, and were often performed in parks and could be clearly seen from the restaurants such as Zom Zom's. While Numan produced many machines there exists an even greater number of replicas of his work, such as the Reznor, the Manson and Ultravox.

In 1979, Numan began research in the science of dystopia and developed the now common sound virus, The Pleasure Principle, which infected millions of impressionable young people during the last part of the twentieth century. Unfortunately The Pleasure Principle was met with much controversy, particularly from Goblin Pirate King David Bowie who sensed a threat to his global dominance in the field of plagiarism. During a rally conducted by Bowie in which Numan was attending, Bowie spotted and promptly ejaculated on Numan, mesmerised him and went so far as to confine him to a Chevy Corvette. With all the doors locked, it appeared as though this was the only way for him to live. Numan later claims that during his confinement he could "only receive", whatever that means. I guess he only stayed stable for a few days, before the "image broke down" and he escaped or something? I don't know, this is what he told me and an old hotel bellboy, admitting in floods of tears that Leo Sayer still hunted him like a cat hunting a sparrow with one working wing.

edit 1980s

Berserkernuman

Looking eerily like an inverted Smurf in his white make-up and blue hair, Numan went back in time and killed Stalin by poisoning him with hair dye.

During his time locked in his Corvette, Numan began to replace his dying organs with car parts. When he finally emerged, Gary Tony James Webb Adam Clemency Glitter had been reborn as the legendary Machman, Gary Numan. It was during this time Gary Numan was at his coolest, though he remains to this day at a level of 'pretty freakin cool'.

Gary Numan - 1980 - Telekon - front

Numan's time in the car resulted in certain accidental superpowers (covered more fully at the bottom of the article). These came to light on August 15, 1980, when Numan's inquisitive, uncertain head appeared over the residents of a small town in Kansas during a windless night. In a shaky voice, Numan asked the shocked residents below if they had any onion-flavored potato crisps. They responded by shouting "Who the fuck are you?!", to which Numan awkwardly apologized, noting that he thought he had seen some and just wanted to pop in for a look. His head then vanished, but photographic evidence of the appearance was later used for the cover of the album Telekon.

In 1984, Gary Numan went berserk over the chart placement of his previous Rob Halford tribute album Warriors and decided to drastically change his look. Dying his hair blue, and bathing in white paint every morning, Numan traveled around the world systematically stealing elementary school children's lunch money to help operate his struggling car dealership located in Iceland.

It was during this time Numan discovered 2% of his genetic makeup derived from that of Stalin. He set out to travel back in time to kill Stalin, however when he did this he really created a second dimension like in Dragon Ball Z where his interference resulted in the Perfect Cell story arc that consisted of 27 episodes of grunting and woop shooping, but was only half as long as the Freiza story arc but somehow equally unbearable. Eventually Gary Numan cut his hair and returned to his dimension where he ignored the fact that Stalin was already dead by this time and killed him anyways. The final result was Gary Numan's body rejecting Stalin's genes, which unfortunately were located entirely in his scalp causing 20% of his hair to immediately fall out. Some theorize that this entire story never really happened, and the hair dye he used caused him to go on an acid trip and shed hair frantically, whatever. I have the funimation dub on DVD anyways. Others insist on the truth of this incident, and say the Stalin DNA clearly left Numan's body and lodged in his career, which has been Stalin' ever since.

Numan soon filed for an autopsy, or was it a bankruptcy, quoting "L-o-l-o-l i live in my car, in cars da dum tee dum, da dum tee dum." Desperately poor, he nevertheless knew the value of a positive mental attitude and asked strangers to remind him to smile.

edit 1990s

By 1992, Gary was balding, had amassed a collection of 9 Prince albums, and had a slew of music critics making fun of his dorky leather jackets, before filing bankruptcy for the 4th time. It was at this point he met his future wife, Gemma Craven -- a former Frazer Hines floozie -- who went into detail about how horrible his recent music had become. Gary, realizing he'd been acting a wanker, sat down and decided to write a new album full of songs about how much God sucks. A few years later, he wrote another album about angels giving Jesus' mother Mary the "how's your father". Both albums became instant hits with goth teenagers whose goth parents listened to Numan's older work years ago. This resulted in Gary's second new dimension, wherein teenagers actually get along with their parents and eat dinner at the kitchen table. Also governor Jennifer Granholm of Michigan is president and 9/11 never happened until the 12th, a lot of people still died and plenty of lulzy memes were made.

Eventually Nick Fox, Marilyn Manson and Trent Reznor praised Gary, and as a result, dozens of nobody techno artists remixed his older songs. The results were released by Buggers Bumfest as Rancid 1-20, a not-so-limited set of 10x12" singles pressed on dull grey vinyl although a previously unheard-of bright pink pressing recently turned up on eBay and was snapped up by Connie Ronplexoid. The mixes were later compiled onto a single CD: Rancid 2.0 which came housed in a special sleeve made out of genuine 1980s tracing-paper (or bog-roll; we're not sure). Gary spent the rest of the decade as "DiseedRelgnLuve88" on AOL message boards quoting "who the fuck uses AOL message boards?"

In 1994 Gary released the single: "Like a Refugee" alongside annoying-repetitive-wierd-robotlike-even-less-interesting-than-STOMP!-Italian drummers DaDaDang, which despite being completely un-Numanlike was actually a pretty catchy tune, then again he never wrote it himself. The video featured him pulling annoying stupid angry faces that made him look like he hated the world, or that he could win Third Place in a Billy Idol-inspired Lip-Curling Contest.

"The problem wasn't that I was pulling those faces and wearing those clothes, it was the fact that I had only just adopted that style. It was like a complete political illiterate reading one pamphlet about the Iraq war and then becoming a fully fledged anti-war protester. It's not impressive and everyone thinks you look like a dick," said Gary at an interview backstage at the Hammersmith Odeon, while his hand was stuck in one of those Pringles cylinders when he was reaching for the final crumbs. "Oh great, now my fingers are covered in vinegar, how the hell am I going to please Gemma tonight?" Gary added as he finally removed his hand from the impractically narrow cylinder.

edit 2000s

Videograb13

Gary Numan's rebirth from wiggy's bum place.

At the turn of the millennium, Numan shocked fans again by making a new album about how much God sucks. He toured Europe for the album, and decided it would be best to release 5 live albums commemorating the event, giving them the titles Living Ornaments '01, Living Ornaments '02, Living Ornaments '02-1/2, Living Ornaments '03, Living Ornaments '0-pi, Dangling Male Ornaments, and Living Ornaments '03-'04.

At some point in-between the live albums, an up-and-coming Scottish rock star/lumberjack Rico met Numan while chopping trees, deciding to make the single "Crazier", proving to that Seal guy that they're gonna survive because they're not only getting a little crazy, but they're gothically hardcore enough to be even Crazier. Their single shot to #4 on the charts after Numan hacked the UK Charts, cleverly being modest enough to give himself #4, so no one would suspect.

Gnu

He really, really looks that way.

In 2003, Gary was plotting to make an extended version of his album when a fan Instant Messaged him and told him he was greedy. As a result, he had a mental breakdown and rampaged through eBay auctions featuring bootleg Numan material. His fans soon began a rampage of their own while he slid into seclusion.

Also at this time the infamous"three in a bed with me, my mrs and another fan" story broke on Pop Bitch.

During his seclusion, many theories abound regarding exactly how Numan got his wife pregnant. Three times. It has been well documented that there were many efforts to get Emma impregnated and they all failed. Everything behind his sudden army of ravens, Persians, and echo teams is shrouded in sheer mystery, but word is that those screaming-whisper lyrics in the Rico co-produced song "Crazier" features a recipe for making children. To this day, no one except for Rico has been able to decipher what the hell is being said during that section of the song. When Rico confronted Numan about it, Numan just sang, "you're just boys, you don't what you've angered" before walking away. Rico screamed back, "I DON'T LIKE THIS NEW ANGER", prompting Numan to sing, "these young boys just make me laugh" on his way out. After he left, Rico deduced to himself that he was talking to the heart of the machine, and promptly left a note of resignation.

In 2006, he finally re-emerged from a dark place (see left) with a new album, Jaded featuring one new song and several different versions of it. Again, the lyrics were about how horrible God is, but now with a verse or two about how his fans have mentally scarred him. Following the release, he had another successful European tour, undoubtedly to be put on CD as Living Ornaments '06 along with an extended version of his latest album, by Christmastime 2006.

Noting the success of Jaded that Numan shared with his new co-producer Ade "Cool Ade" Fenton, he decided to not only leave his lumberjack friend Rico behind, but to silence him from telling others he once worked with him (and from spreading the vicious rumors of how he really got his wife pregnant), he delivered unto him an ironic death, complete with a chainsaw to the cranium. He was so pleased with the grisly death, he would continue using this talent for playing games online (see below).

edit 2010s

Notnuman

Is this the real Gary Numan? According to our experts, probably not. Then again, our experts also moonlight as rape machines, so who are we to discredit?

As far back as November 2009, all attempts to contact Gary Numan have been met with silence. Rumors abound that he may have actually passed away at some point at the turn of the decade, and all instances of concert appearances, released music, and interviews are in fact being done by an impostor Gary Numan. Paul McCartney had this to say: "Well, I find this to be oddly similar to when The Be-" at which point he stopped himself, and with a wide-eyed stare, quipped, "Er... never mind."

Gamma (yeah, I guess so, but anime goth chicks aren't really my thing, sorry) has publicly stated such jarring changes in Numan's personal life, including casually wearing Trilby hats and blood-red bow ties around the house, attempting to call up Mick Karn, and openly cursing Bill Nelson's name. He was recently overheard by Kool-Ade Fenton as saying, "You know what this track needs? More Tessa Niles. Also, saxophone. Lots and lots of saxophone!" Fenton began to show worry when this man he now began to show doubt was Numan started to sample lines from Blade Runner. Kool-Ade and Jemma (I'm sure she's outrageous, but she's seriously not my type, guys) now believe that this impostor Numan is either an alien who has only now discovered Numan's mid-late 80s catalog of music, or perhaps, another Numan from an alternate dimension (who we will call Numan-A) who killed the Numan of our dimension (who we will call Numan-1) to take his place and escape a fate worse than Machine+Soul from whatever dimension it was he came from.

edit Alternate Numans

Numan's current status as of June 2011 is "missing", though believed to have been murdered and replaced by an alien Numan, or a Numan from an alternate universe, further evidence has risen that rips in the fabric of time and space located entirely within Numan's own kitchen have caused him and countless other alternate Numans to be shuffled into each others universes at random. You can spot these alternate Numans by their odd behaviors on stage when on tour, though Gem-gem and Kool-Ade will do their damnedest to insist it's the real Gary Numan from our universe.

  • Alternate Numan #1 comes from a universe that is 25 years behind us, and refuses to believe that the album he's currently making, Strange Charm, has already been released 25 years ago and tanked miserably. He can be identified by his trying to sing New Thing From London Town to anyone who will listen, his obvious hair plugs, and trying to sign bands for Numa Records. This may have been the first alternate Numan encountered since the incidents began.
  • Alternate Numan #2 comes from a universe that is 25 years in the future. He can be identified as older, grayer, rocking near-Nixon level jowls, and wondering where his daughters' all-girl gothrock band, The SpiderWebbs, are.
  • Alternate Numan #3 comes from a universe where he never put on a retirement show and went on to massive fame, David Bowie frequently toured with him, and the press adored him. He can be identified by his wondering why Bowie isn't returning his calls, and why he is a married to an anime character instead of dating Katie Green.
  • Alternate Numan #4 comes from a universe where he has accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. He can be identified by his absolutely mortified expressions when he reads the lyrics of his last few albums.
  • Alternate Numan #5 comes from a universe where he decided to not try the Minimoog during the Tubeway Army studio sessions. He can be identified by his looking for Paul Gardiner, and asking why the hell Alan Moulder is opening for him instead of John Lydon.
  • Alternate Numan #6 comes from a universe where he never married Gemma and continued his path as a broke, downtrodden nobody who only manages to leave his trailor home to fly upside down for the amusement of white trash. He can be identified by his bum clothes, unkempt appearance, and frantically shouting that he wasn't spying on Iran, North Korea, Australia, China, Mexico, or Madagascar, either.
  • Alternate Numan #7 comes from a universe where he stayed retired and became a celebrated actor. He can be identified by confusedly pointing at Christopher Eccleston and shaking his head, saying, "Uh, no, I'm the Ninth Doctor," and wondering why David Yates keeps having him escorted off the set of the Harry Potter films.
  • Alternate Numan #8 comes from a universe where he went crazy and became a serial killer after Beggar's Banquet nixed his debut album. Fueled by rage from listening to what he could have been in our dimension, he can be identified by his shoving a running chainsaw through your skull while screaming, "HEY HEY HEEEEEEEEEEEEY I'VE GOT SOMETHIN' FOR YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"

There are infinitely more alternate Numans that we have a possibility of encountering, and we'll stay on top of the list until we can get our Numan back and close the rift once and for all.

edit Numan's Reappearance and Even Newer Album

At the end of their ropes, Gengar and Kool-Ade were about to make a public statement admitting the original Gary Numan had been lost to time and space, until they noticed a new blurb at the bottom of a BBC News article online, stating that Gary was alive and well. He arose from the darkest place ever - America - showing off a large gun collection and proclaiming his vast knowledge of Americana, exemplifying it by listing the winners of the World Series starting from 1954. But he stumbled when he accidentally referred to the 1978 winners as the "New York Crazies" in a 6-1 series win over the "Los Angeles Electric Friends." They promptly flew to America where Gams ran into Gary's arms, screaming, "I THOUGHT I'D NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN, IT FELT LIKE AN ETERNITY WITHOUT YOU!"

Gary simply smiled and said, "It must have been years!" He had the taste slapped out of his mouth.

As all was well, Gary began writing his newest album ever - "Splattered - Songs from a Somewhat Disturbed Place of Slight Mental Instability". The direction was hailed as more atmospheric, more orchestral (mostly as a bad attempt to prove he could write movie scores) and was worth at least a slow clap from Pitchfork Media. The Reznor went on record as saying, "I think Gary Numan's album is the album mine should have sounded like," before crying into his console while editing his wife's latest album. The leading single, "A Shadow Falls On My Career," was the #1 song in America for 9 straight weeks. Not the Billboard #1, it was "Darkness McGloom's Top Darkwave 10 of the Month of the Week" followed by a poor cover of Personal Jesus by a group out of Lima, Ohio called Your Body is Rotting Flesh Wrapped Around Your Soul and I Must Scream.

edit Personal life

Numan married his own fan belt. In 2003, his wife Emma mysteriously gave birth to their first super powered child, Raven of the Teen Titans; and again in 2005, when she bought Numan a copy of Prince of Persia; and once more in 2007, when she became a devoted fan of the Oklahoma-based Echo Moon string band.

Numan is also known for his fear of flying, and has built several aircraft, one of which he famously crashed into a passenger. This came shortly after successfully attempting a round-the-world with his yo-yo, during which he was briefly loved and received praise and showers of wonderful gifts from India and was never accused of spying, ever.

As an amusing footnote, Gary Numan is 13 ways cooler than Gary Coleman, due to his regular guest appearances in the short-lived Coleman/Mr T sitcom "Suck This, Sucker!" He is, however, only 1/16th as cool as Gary Oldman. Goths are cooler than salad dressing, I guess that means he's cooler than Paul Newman. Except that goths (especially middle-aged, secretly bald, freakity faced goths) are nowhere near as cool as salsa, so Paul Newman wins again! He is exactly 1,000 times cooler than Newman the Postman from Seinfeld, so it can be scientifically said that Newman the Postman equals one millinuman. Gary Numan is also known as 'Mistasax' and previously ran for President of the East Sussex County Council, despite still owing council tax on his recording shed.

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