Gary Burghoff
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Gary "Radar" Burghoff is an American war hero and the only man to serve as Miss America for two non-consecutive terms. He served in the American Civil War, World War I, World War II, the Korean War, and Vietnam. At various times, he has been awarded 16 Congressional Medals of Honor and 14 Purple Hearts. He has also earned merit badges in dermatology, automotive repair, tomfoolery, and pie eating. He is also remembered for having played Spanky in the popular Canadian children's television show "The Little Bastards".
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[edit] Childhood
Burghoff was born in Dallas, TX at the age of three. His nickname "Radar" is said to have arisen from his ability to accurately predict the weather up to 3 weeks in advance. He was discovered working in a coal mine at the age of nine and soon became a popular member of "The Little Bastards" television series during the 1920s and 1930s. He played the role of a mafia goon who would regularly beat and torture the other children for reasons such as "not paying the protection money for da lemonade stand". His most enduring scene filmed for the program has Gary stabbing another child repeatedly with a metal kazoo. Although extremely popular with viewers, this scene was not scripted, and Gary was fired from the show. Incidentally, the child who Gary stabbed in this scene was Al Sharpton. Sharpton was in a coma for 20 years following this incident, and it was this coma which prompted him, upon waking, to orate his now famous "I have to pee" speech.
[edit] Kicking Ass and Taking Names
At the age of 14, Burghoff was abducted by aliens and taken on a 4 year tour of the Milky Way galaxy. The aliens, however, had been utilizing worm holes to aid their journey, and as a result, by the time Gary was returned to Earth, it was the year 1863. Gary was beamed down into the middle of a battlefield during the American Civil War. Without missing a beat, he proceeded to kill every soldier in sight, and went on to be the sole victor in the war. Eventually realizing their mistake, the aliens again abducted Gary, and returned him to his proper time.
With murderous rage still pumping through his veins, he immediately joined the Army. He was stationed at Fort Wang in New Jersey until his blood lust could contain itself no more. On January 4, 1942, he waited for everyone to go to sleep, and removed their heads one by one with a piano wire. For this act of brutality, he was promoted to the rank of General and sent to Thailand. While in Thailand, he killed an estimated 756,638 people over the span of one week. Obviously inspired by Gary's dedication, Adolf Hitler killed himself, thus ending the second World War.
[edit] Depression
After the end of the war, Gary began feeling out of place and useless from not having anyone left to kill. In 1949, he killed his parents by drowning them in his swimming pool, but is reported as saying "it just isn't the same anymore". It is at this time that Gary began writing and publishing his poetry. His first effort, "Squish", a 93 volume work written entirely in limericks, was a huge success, having sold 14 million copies in the first year of publication. It appeared as if things were looking up for Gary, until his second volume of poetry, a pamphlet entitled "Do You Know Jesus?" was widely ignored and sold only 3 copies. Crushed, Gary again set off for Asia, where he started the Korean War.
[edit] Homicide is Painless
Just as he planned, Gary killed every man in North Korea and impregnated all of the remaining women. When Belgian Prime Minister Alan Alda heard of this, he confronted Gary in what has become known as the 7 Second War. Witnesses agree that the events transpired as such:
7:15:00 AM: Alan Alda gets off his helicopter in Seoul
7:15:50 AM: Alda extends his hand in an apparent gesture of friendship
7:15:51 AM: Gary Burghoff decapitates Alda with a samurai sword
Bored with the (now international) war that he started, Gary decided to return to America where he would again change the very fabric of society.
[edit] The Birth of Rock 'n' Roll
In 1952, upon returning to his castle in Beverly Hills, Burghoff immediately set to work on his most ambitious project yet: Radar Love, a 45,397 movement symphony for 70 bugles and 500 electric guitars. This piece of music took him 10 years to complete, which is how experts explain the population boom around this time. Radar Love premiered November 12, 1963 at Carnegie Hall, and its initial performance is still occurring. Most people who have heard parts of it agree, however, that it was the birth of Rock 'n' Roll.
[edit] Resting on his laurels
Gary Burghoff did nothing of note between the years of 1963-1976, due to being at Carnegie Hall listening to his song.
[edit] Back in the Saddle
Growing increasingly bored with his song, Burghoff decided to leave Carnegie Hall in 1976 to investigate the rumors he had been hearing of a war in Vietnam. As soon as he had enough of the facts, he hired a private jet to take him to Cambodia, where with one glance, he exploded the entire country, thus winning the war for himself.
After defeating everyone in Vietnam, Gary decided to retire from the war business. To date, there have been no substantiated reports of Burghoff attacks since 1976.
[edit] The Quiet Life
Gary, or as he now prefers to be called, Truman Capote, enjoys a private life with his wife Lily Tomlin on the moon. It is said that late at night, if you look hard enough, you can see Gary destroying other solar systems with his mind.
