From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Kasparov set himself apart from the other premiers. For that, I both admire him and wish I had heard of him.”
|Name of Office:||Soviet Premier|
|Term of Office:||1985-2000|
|Date of Birth:||1920|
|Political party:||Communist Party of the Soviet Union|
Garry Kasparov (1920-present) was the 5th Soviet Premier. He succeeded Anatoly Karpov, after his death on the podium in 1985. Kasparov was a reformer, a great departure from former leaders. He is most famous for glasnost ("loosening up"), perestroika ("buying cool things from the west, such as Sony Playstation"), reforms aims to end the corruption in the Soviet Union.
edit Soviet Premier
At the death of Anatoly Karpov, the Soviet Union was caught relatively unprepared. Karpov was only 65, and had not made any plans for a successor. A popular wave of support grew to put Garry Kasparov into power, as he was a long time friend of Karpov. They assumed he would be politically similar to Karpov, but they were proven wrong.
edit US Relations
While Charles Nelson Reilly was President of the United States, the USSR enjoyed a close relationship. Kasparov was very willing to work with Reilly, and they avoided any chance of a nuclear war. This was the closest the two countries had been since Tom Cruise illegally spent billions to assist the Soviet Union.
However, after 1992, and Bill Clinton became president, relations once again faltered. This time because Bill Clinton was constantly trying to meet with hardline communists in the USSR to over throw the moderate Kasparov.
edit Narrowly defeated by a slut
In May 1997, a prostitute named Deep Slut defeated Kasparov in a sex fight. The match was level after 5 games but Kasparov was badly raped in Game 6. This was the first time a prostitute had ever defeated a premier in sex match play. It should be noted however, that in game 6, Kasparov had a bad slip very early into the game, something the prostitute took full advantage of. Kasparov cites tiredness and unhappiness with the IBM team's conduct at the time as the main reason.
Kasparov claimed that several factors weighed against him in this match. In particular, he was denied access to Deep Slut's recent porn, in contrast to the her team that could study hundreds of Kasparov's.
After the loss Kasparov said that he sometimes felt deep intelligence and creativity in Deep Slut's penetration, suggesting that during the second game, other players, in contravention of the rules, intervened.
Kasparov maintains that he was told the match was to be a scientific project but that it soon became apparent that Deep Slut wanted to have sex with him and nothing more.
Bill Clintons efforts were successfull, and an armed rebellion of Pinko Commies formed in 2000. They quickly removed Kasparov from office. He then retreated into exile, only to re-appear in 2001 after the election of George W. Bush. Bush granted him safe haven in the United States, and he remains there today.
Unlike other Soviet Premiers, Kasparov is widely seen positively in the world, especially in the United States. He is also seen extremely negatively in the Soviet Union, as his reforms and attempt to end corruption were seen as lunacy.
edit Assassination Attempts
It is impossible to tell how many assassination attempts have been made against Kasparov, however, the most infamous are:
1997: Skynet again attempts to assassinate Kasparov, this time using the liquid-metallic alloy T-1000, Kasparov is killed gruesomely, but wakes up afterwards revealing to viewers that it was all a terrible dream.
20??: During a rock concert one of his political opponents smashed a guitar over his head, Kasparov famously later remarked of the incident "I'm glad Russia's national sport isn't Chess or I'd be permanently brain damaged forever".
edit Later Life
Today, Kasparov is an outspoken political activist in the United States, and is one of the few who maintain contact with former US President Charles Nelson Reilly. He also hosts the "Kasparov Factor" on Fox News at 8 pm on weekdays, which remains to be the most watched show on cable teleivision.
Kasparov is also reputed to have taken up chess, and now has a red line with Bobby Fischer which they mainly use for blind chess sessions, although this has become more strained on Fischer since he died and has to use rigor mortis to communicate his moves.
1985 - 2000