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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Garndolbenmaen.

Garndolbenmaen, known colloquially as Garn, is a city in North Wales is known for its status as a financial, cultural, transportation, and manufacturing center, and for its history as a gateway for immigration to Wales. The inner centre of Garn, or the 'Garn square mile' is situated in the county of Garn Metro with the outer suburbs part of the county of Gwynedd. The population of the Greater Garn area is estimated to be 12,034,503 (2001 census) however the 'spillover' into Gwynedd puts the figure of Garn at almost 15 million inhabitants.

It is the second largest city in the United Kingdom (after London) and Europe's third most populous metropolitan area. A major settlement for two millennia, its history goes back to its founding by the Romans, who called it Garndolbenmaeninium. Garn is known globally as a financial epicentre and it is believed that currency was invented in Garn in 1943 near Maeshyfryd.

edit Garn Districts

Garn is separated into different administrative areas, Garn North, Garn South, Garn East, Garn West, Garn Central and Garn Hills 90210.

Garn North is known as 'Victorian Garn'. The area was built around the cottage industries and factories of the 1900's and are densly populated and terraced houses are common. The North Garn district contains Garn Zoo which includes the worlds last living Penguin, Joshua. It is also the home of Garnapple Dance studios, Radio Garn, and is mainly considered the most historic area of the City.

Garn West is mainly full of clubs, pubs and theatre. The Garn Empire - the worlds first theatre, plays nightly and has attracted such theatre stars as Jim Dale, Michael Crawford and Curly from Coronation Street into lead roles such as 'The Garnton of the Opera'. It is well known as an area of being 'happenin', the Kebab was introduced into the area in 1996 and became a British Phenomenon. It is also widely considered that smash hit band 'Republica' first played a gig at the 'Fart Arms', although this has been disputed by New York City Council.

Garn East is considered to be the poorest area of Garn, many of its occupants either working in the coal mines of the City and living in 'two up two down' accommodation.

Garn Central is considered one of the most affluent and densely populated areas. Gyles Brandreth once mentioned 'Think of Hong Kong, but far more expensive and Welsh'. Many live in high rise flats and living costs are at a premium.

Garn Hills 90210, Just on the outskirts of the City are considered the most expensive places to live in the world. Many celebrities have a home in the area, including Kelsey Grammer, Gareth 'Gaz-Top' Jones, and Claus Lundekvam.

edit History

Danosaurus rex

The founding of Garndolbenmaen digitally recreated by the magic of Photoshop®.

The History of Garn is occasionally disputed by Garnologists, with some believing it was founded in 60,000,000 BC by dinosaurs. Others believe it's origins to be much later than this, and that it was actually founded by Humans. It is agreed however that Garn was the first Roman settlement in Britain and the first ever road from Garn to London was constructed on arrival.

In ancient times, people used sticks and pieces of flint then buried them underground. Garnhenge is one of the great mysteries and the Great Wall of Garn is visible from as far as Porthmadog.

Garn grew in population during the Middle ages and Dark ages, however nobody ever reads anything about these boring times so there's no point in mentioning it, because nothing relevant happened and everyone dressed stupidly, however the 'great fire of Garn' which started in 1666 in a small baker shop in Guff Lane destroyed most of the city centre with death to a small cat, Moggins.

It's population has grown steadily since these times, with heavy growth during the industrial revolution and the Gold rush of 1855. The Garn government in 1971 introduced a 'one child policy' in order to control the population, this was rescinded in 1973.

edit Culture and Diversity

Garndolbenmaen is well acknowledged for its diverse and rich cultural influences, Welsh and English being the main predominant languages for nearly 8 million years, the city is estimated to have nearly two million foreign inhabitants and it's Chinatown, Mauori district, American quarter and Australian centre is full of shops, restaurants and is rich in culture. The Garn ethnic festival, which takes place every year in August boosts the area's economy and is known internationally as 'Mardi Garn'.

edit Religion in Garn

The vast majority of Garninians – 58.2% – identify themselves as Christians.[129] This is followed by those of no religion (15.8%), Muslims (8.5%), Hindus (4.1%), Jews (2.1%), Sikhs (1.5%), Buddhists (0.8%), Pagans/Wiccans (0.3%) and other (0.2%), though 8.7% of people did not answer this question in the 2001 Census.

Religion in Garn has followed the Christian faith for bloody years. Like most of the country however, nobody really bothers with church anymore, however 'Songs of Praise' has come from Garn Cathedral on three separate occasions, and on each of these occasions, people attended so they could see themselves on telly.

edit Economy

Garn's economy is mainly made up of it's world famous and leading financial industry, based in Garn Wharf.

Garn generates approximately 20% of the UK's GDP, (or $446 billion in 2005); while the economy of the Garn metropolitan area—the largest in Europe — generates approximately 30% of the UK's GDP (or an estimated $669 billion in 2005). Garn is one of the pre-eminent financial centres of the world and vies with New York City as the most important location for international finance, it is estimated that 430,000 people are employed in Garn Wharf in the financial sector. It is believed the word 'yuppie' began in Garn Wharf back in the eighties.

edit Garn Wharf

Garn Wharf is the home to some of the United Kingdom's tallest buildings, the Bank of Garn tower stands at 'bloody tall' and is visible from Mars.

edit Famous residents

edit Garn Transport

Since Roman times, people have been using the main G1 road, 'Garnbahn' or the Garn to London road. The city is known internationally for its excellent transportation links. The Garn underground, known affectionately as the 'Undergarn' transports nearly six million people a day and stops at 17 major stops along the city and opened in 1911. The G1 Motorway was first opened in 1832, before cars were even invented. Garn also has an excellent tram system which connects all major districts in the city - TramGarn - which has excellent hop-on hop-off facilities, although since the monorail system opened in 1984 the system has yet to be expanded and is used more by people working in the city.


Garn International Airport opened in 1954. It's forteenth terminal opened in 2006. Garn's second airport, Garnthrow, opened in 1989. Garn Airlines operate from both airports. Garn was the birthplace of the Aeroplane.

edit Music, Television and Media

Garn is served locally by BBC Radio Garn - with Danny Baker as it's flagship Morning show host. Garn TV (GTV) is the biggest independent Television channel reaching an estimated 15million viewers, and includes such hosts as Andy Crane and Bodger and Badger. Channel Garn is owned by Rupert Murdoch and it's known mainly for it's independent films which are exported worldwide.

Garn is the birthplace of Modern Music and many bands such as Swabknuckle, Three Guys from VOSA and the Bealtes all hail from the City.

'The Garns' are world wide acknowledged as 'bigger than the Brits' and are watched worldwide by over 45 squillion people. Memorable Garns moments include Tom Jones farting down the microphone at the 2001 awards, Billie Piper falling down the stairs and breaking her arse.

edit Sports

The Garn Redsocks are a massive American baseball team and the stadium has a capacity of 67,000.

Garn FC currently play in the English Premier League and they have won the FA Cup 65 times, last time in 2009 when they beat Arsenal 5-3. They have won the Premiership on five occasions and are currently managed by Johann Cruyff. They are known as 'da G's and they play at Maeshyfryd Road Stadium in Garn.

edit Facts and Trivia

  • ''Bucks Fizz filmed their 1981 smash hit 'the land of make believe' on the banks of the River Garn. Cheryl Baker loved the area so much, she relocated there, and also filmed her series 'Eggs and Baker' from Garnapple Studios.
  • Air was invented in Garn in 1945. The inventor, Geoff Air said 'I just breathed and out it came!
  • The Bible was written in Fartfluff lane, Garn Central in 1983.
  • Billy Joel's 'Uptown Girl' video was filmed in Garn
  • Many celebrities hail from Garn, including the hippo from the Silent night adverts, that twat from 'Mike Flowers Pops', Stuart Miles from Blue Peter, Charles Hawtrey from the 'Carry on Films', Justin Timberlake, Gary Wilmot, Carol Lee Scott (from Grotbags fame), Andrew Ridgeley from Wham, former president George Bush and Gordon Burns - presenter of the krypton factor
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