Ganondorf

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“I just wonder what Ganon's up to.”

~ Link the destroyer of happiness

“Shivering with anticipation, I agreed to his offer. True to his word, Ganon made my face the greatest in Korodai.”

~ Oscar Wilde

You dare bring light in my article? You MUST DIE!

Ganondorf was born into the Gerudo cult, a cult composed entirely of women Scientologists. His own mother hated her son just like the rest of them. One morning she secretly slapped a sign on his back that said "I pee standing up" when she hugged him before he went to school. His classmates ridiculed this by cruelly throwing shaving cream and Sports Illustrated magazines at him.

He left home one night, stealing his mom's lipstick and tampons, promising to one day return a real woman. In these desperate times, he lived much as a hobo, stealing hubcaps and begging for vittles shamelessly. One day, he was approached by two senile old women who promised to raise him as their own and teach him dark powers, like abortion and plastic surgery.

Ganondorf begrudgingly accepted this cruel existence, sensing that true womanhood was within his grasp. After 10 years of laborious study, he gained power though not the sort that he was hoping for. All he learned was how to apply Preparation H and turn into a pig. In his spare time, he also studied how to shoot incredibly slow projectiles. Although he dabbled in tennis during this time, he lacked dedication and only truly learned how to serve. He was notorious for his inability to return anything that was hit to him.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Ganondorf.

[edit] Ocarina of Time

Ganondorf's extremely useless pig transformation.

Ganondorf eventually grew sick of medicating the two old women so he decided to strike out for himself. He took up a job as a spittoon at the local Cluckin' Cuckoo family bar and grill where he heard tantalizing rumors about a legendary artifact of the Gods, the Triforce. It was drunkenly whispered that he who touched the artifact would be granted any wish he desired. Spitting out the evening's tobacco, Ganondorf set off for the distant kingdom of Hyrule in the hopes of pilfering the Triforce.

Unfortunately for him, sinister forces were gathering which sought to crush his dreams to pieces. In the distant Deku Forest the Legendary Deku Tree was plotting his demise, grooming a young conservative Republican named Link. Finding out about this treachery, Ganondorf found a really icky spider under a rock and paid it $5 to go crawl around and be a general nuisance to the Deku tree. Considering the situation solved, Ganondorf continued his quest.

Ganondorf slowly wormed his way into the King of Hyrule's confidence by providing him with constant supplies of dinner. This managed to earn him not only a place in the royal family but also information about the Triforce. He learned that it was tied to a mystical instrument, an ornate ocarina carved from the finest marble bathroom tile and infused with the power of free enterprise. The ocarina would only reveal the path to the Triforce if played really, really well.

Lacking any and all musical talent, Ganondorf decided to be a complete dick to the world until someone showed up who could play the instrument. He replaced all of the Gorons' rocks with man-eating dinosaurs which was really mean and he fed a broken beer bottle to a really big fish which made it really sick. As luck would have it, his plot to scare the manchild Link away with an icky spider failed miserably. This situation actually worked out well for Ganondorf though as Link proved himself an extremely able ocarina musician, unknowingly playing a magical song which tore open a portal in time that flung him into the future.

Seeing his chance, Ganondorf dove into the OTHER magical portal that appeared, knowing that the Triforce was close. He touched the holy object, wishing with all his heart to become the most beautiful woman the world had ever known. The spirit of the Triforce just laughed and said "My child, don't you know that beauty is within?" With this cryptic statement, it decided instead to give him real ultimate power and a really cool long haircut.

Ganondorf was disappointed with this answer, but he forced himself to smile and used his newfound power to bring about an age of terrible darkness. This age continued for 7 wonderful years in which he personally constructed much needed improvements for the kingdom of Hyrule such as fences and zombies.

Unfortunately, the conservative manchild, Link, somehow returned and rose up to defeat Ganondorf in combat. With a shout of "lower taxes for the rich!" Link charged Ganondorf and stabbed him approximately 9001 times. Not one to give up so easily, Ganondorf morphed into his incredibly useless piggy form which didn't help him at all. He was soundly whooped and forced to go into hiding, the shame of his defeat and his penis weighing heavily on his mind...

[edit] Super Smash Bros: Melee

Join me <insert name here> and I shall make your face the greatest in Korodai, or else you will die.

Being defeated by Link was so discouraging that Ganondorf fell into an early mid-life crisis. Taking the Triforce's words to heart, he began to search for the true beauty within his soul. Desperate for change, he traveled into the distant future, finding a world of awesome technology and metrosexual racers. Joining the F-Zero Gran Prix, Ganondorf donned a full black outfit, calling himself Black Shadow. He quickly made enemies with an intergalactic stud named Captain Falcon who paunched him so hard that it destroyed an entire galaxy. With the spirit of "watta shitta shien, shienzu" in his heart, Black Shadow, er... I mean Ganondorf, swore to outpaunch Captain Falcon if it was the last thing he did.

Finding a worthy rival, Ganondorf sought to copy every single one of Captain Falcon's techniques for his own purposes. Unfortunately, before Ganondorf could finish copying all of Falcon's techniques, Falcon returned to Valhalla where he would feed and grow to race and paunch the universe again. His newfound skills all but useless, Ganondorf took his fury out on all the other Nintendo characters like Pikachu and Mario. But not Ridley, because Ridley is too big. Unsurprisingly, Ganondorf was continuously destroyed by Marth who would always pick Final Destination because he's a tourney fag. His dreams shattered, Ganondorf returned to the past before he touched the Triforce and punched himself in the face. This action would not only provide his past self with blunt head trauma but also set in motion an entirely separate timeline. Ganondorf (the one with the Triforce) returned to his own time and decided to take a 200 year nap. Not all was lost, however, as Ganondorf found out that his nemesis Captain Falcon was actually his long lost son, Falcondorf.

[edit] Twilight Princess

The blunt head trauma that the past Ganondorf received caused him to forget entirely about the Triforce and act like a total dumbass. He began to neglect his daily offering of dinner to the king which caused some animosity within the royal family. The last straw, however, was when he threw a party in Hyrule Castle without telling the king. The king told him that they could talk about mercy after Ganondorf scrubbed all the floors in Hyrule. Ganondorf called him a doo-doo head and was summarily executed.

Fortunately for Doofydorf (the unofficial name for this past self), the Triforce took pity on him and decided to make him an evil king of darkness right after he was stabbed by Obi Wan's lightsaber. Doofydorf seized this opportunity by drunkenly picking a fight with a mystical sage and then falling into a sewage pipe that took him directly to the Twilight Zone.

He manipulated the people of this poor zone by promising them bacon and cream cheese, using them to wage war on Hyrule and fuel sweet rave parties. This went on for some time until another conservative Republican, coincidentally named Link, had sex with a cat and then used the power of this love to murder Doofydorf forever (or at least until the sequel).

[edit] A Link To The Past

Gannon on a good day

Ages passed and it seemed that Doofydorf was truly dead forever. Unfortunately the knights of Hyrule (in their attempt to dig a cheap and affordable outdoor pool) forgot to consult the city to see if where they were digging had a power line or electric line. During this highly unsafe, unrecommended, and illegal dig they disturbed the coffin of Doofydorf, reviving him in all his idiotic fury. The years had not been kind to Doofydorf and had turned his skin blue. Grabbing a pitchfork from a nearby turnip farmer, he set forth to bring ruin and sweet rave parties to the world anew. The knights of Hyrule, their dreams of an outdoor pool ruined, sacrificed themselves to seal Doofydorf in another realm where he would throw really sweet rave parties for many, many years. This realm became known as the Furry Fag World, where it was said that even the bravest of warriors would be turned into a sick furry beast.

Of course, it was only a matter of time before Doofydorf broke out to terrorize the world anew. Lacking any and all originality he again promised dinner to the latest king of Hyrule which again worked perfectly since kings of Hyrule are incapable of resisting dinner. Using his position as "evil wizard that only the king trusts but everyone else sees is really evil" he turned the knights of Hyrule into really badass zombie swordsmen, murdered the king, and kidnapped a bunch of little girls, sending them all to the Furry Fag World.

In this age, there were no shortage of conservative manchilds and so another Link rose up, saved all of the little girls including Princess Zelda, and shot Doofydorf with a bunch of glow sticks. Doofydorf crumbled to ashes, the power of the glow sticks and the strength of disco putting a stop to his ambitions.

[edit] The Wind Waker

Meanwhile, in another reality, the non-stupid/less stupid Ganondorf had finally gained the confidence he needed to realize his dreams and become a beautiful woman (and ruler of the world). In order to stop another hero from appearing, he placed a heart piece inside a cave where the floor would drop out as soon as someone got within sight of the heart piece. He smoothed all the walls such that there were no valid hookshot targets and made it so that if someone lit a torch it would play the "you solved a retarded puzzle" sound and thus fool the hero into thinking it was safe to grab the heart piece.

Many heroes named Link stepped up to destroy the tyrant, but none succeeded because they were all completionists who bought the strategy guide (published by Ganny Inc.) and tried futilely to gain the heart piece. With this hoax in place, Ganondorf was able to rule Hyrule for hundreds of years. His newfound power allowed him to corner the entire supply of estrogen tablets, all of which he took in an effort to leave his manliness behind.

Before the process could be completed, hurricane Katrina poured through Hyrule, drowning the land in water and washing away all of the estrogen pills. Cut off from his supply, Ganondorf's body regressed and he gained a massive amount of weight on his quasi-female frame. Ashamed, he put on a long cloak and resolved to one day rise from the seas and make the triforce grant his original wish of womanhood.

Unfortunately, when he did rise from the sea he just got killed by another Link. Se la vi.

[edit] The Legend of Zelda

Unable or unwilling to resume his hideously chubby human form, Ganondorf decided to stay in his piggy form which had become surprisingly powerful due to his increased girth. Realizing his unhealthy addiction to the Triforce, Ganondorf listened to his clinical psychiatrist Dr. Mario and elected to spread the triforce throughout the land to remove its temptation from his grasp. Setting out to rediscover himself and gain ultimate happiness, he sought to develop a theme park named Ganny World based around the rocky Death Mountain range in south western Hyrule.

In order to gain a family-friendly image, Ganondorf took a page from Walmart and hired the elderly to stand on their feet greeting people in caves all day. Unfortunately, another young manchild named Link took it upon himself to steal a backscratcher from an employee named Oldy McWiserton. Sending out his myriad of demonic monsters, Ganondorf attempted to politely escort the lad from the park. Unfortunately, the lad proved himself extremely violent and collected all of the pieces of the Triforce. Ganondorf attempted to put a stop to the monster-child himself but only succeeded in getting dustified like Doofydorf had in the past.

[edit] Link's Adventure

Seeking revenge for their fallen entrepreneur, Ganondorf's loyal demonic monsters decided to perform an elaborate ritual that would revive him. Unfortunately, the only thing capable of doing that was a little bit of *cough cough* genetic material from Link, the destructive manchild. Link, like all of the previous Links, was incredibly conservative and did not agree with masturbation. Setting out to make his atrocities complete, he stormed all of Ganondorf's summer homes and destroyed all the minions within. At the final palace the last of Ganondorf's minions tried a desperate act and created a "Dark Link," an opposite Link meant to destroy him. Link's clone was as good as he was evil which meant that he was a total sissy that couldn't fight a tissue. Resorting to dirty tactics, Link crouched in the corner and repeatedly stabbed his sword, which his double walked into... hoping for a hug. A hug that would never come.

[edit] Dead?

The question on everyone's mind is this: will Ganondorf ever return? The fact that both Doofydorf and Ganondorf were both dusted is discouraging, but there may still be hope. An ultimate good like Ganondorf can never truly be defeated. So long as there is still goodness and beauty in this world, maybe one could say that there is a little bit of Ganondorf in everyone. Well, except Link. Anyone named Link is a huge dick.