Gangsta Chess

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“Any one wanna fuck with me Ill use my ho, she can go anywhere”
~ 50 Cent on fucking with him

Since the dawning of time, man has endeavored to become more skilled in battle through the use of tiny, usually carved stone figures representing other things such as horses or soldiers. Although most of these ancient civilizations died off, and thus were never really great (Alexander eat your heart out) some of them survived, and began to harpoon whales, turning their ivory into wonderful symbols of the modern times. Eventually people became pussies, and no longer found beheaded pawns and rooks holding shrunken heads appetizing, and so modern gangsta chess was made!

The inner story

However, the crack smoking and hard eight-ballaz in da hood find chess too "gay" for their tastes, which include malt liquor, or bottles of Cristal, should they become rappers. To these urban socratic followers, chess becomes an art of gang bangin', ya heard me? As Snoop Dogg so artfully puts it in an interview with the dude who produced "Barbershop":

Cquote1 Yo, y'all know, you put the damn pimp an da ho on this board, an then... aw shit I need a bong man, go smoke a bowl, I'll be right back. Cquote2

Basic rules

Gansta Chess is a modern version of the ancient strategy game Chess. The rules remain the same for the most part. The primary difference is that the pieces are called by different names. They are:

  • Pimp: Takes the place of the king, and he profits from the work of his men. Also has the ability to snort voluminous levels of coke, never losing its consciousness, although it has an affinity for teabagging under attack, leaving his men useless.
  • Ho: Takes the place of the queen. This is by far the most influential piece on the board as it can entice all the other pieces. Moves wherever the pimp damn well tells it to.
  • The man with the gat: Can take out opponents by firing their gat diagnally across the board
  • Fly Ride: Zips past other pieces to take down the the other ganstas. The man with the gat can slow it by blowing its tires, but he must roll a natural 20 and pass a reflex save with DC 25.
  • The crib: The pimps home and castle. The non-traditional castling move is actually the pimp returning to one of his cribs on either the west side or the east side.
  • The homies: These are the pimps buds who can be sacrificed without worry because we all know where the moneys at.

New things about it

Also, the terms "check" and "check mate" have been replaced by "He gonna get it!" and "Complete hood takeover." If these phrases are not said when they occur, it is implied that black loses because of blatant racism.

A more modified version of the game is currently being developed by chimpanzees on the planet of the apes in which the black pieces are gangsta and the white pieces the "popos." However, this planet has not yet been found, although technically that gay ass dude from 2001: a Space Odyssey found it, he's stuck in a time warp in the planet cheese.

The board no longer has 64 squares in 8x8 format, this being "square." It has been replaced by a series of rows ending at rotaries and a highway above them, as in most urban areas. The more expensive boards also include apparatuses in which packs of cigs are deposited, emitting a haze of poison smoke and hot blood over the board. Some makers of such boards, such as the famous "Toys R Bitchin" company have been sued by Los Angeles, because of the obvious similarities.

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