Mohandas Gandhi

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Political activist, lawyer, non-violent cage fighter, freedom fighter, and peaceful protester, Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (मोहनदास करमचंद गांधी) practiced nonviolence by only taking out his anger on his wife, who bore the brunt of his peace.

Behind his back his fans - mostly hippies - called Gandhi "Mahatma", meaning "Great Soul". He never liked the title, because he knew he was just a guy trying some new ways to change things. Then again, he didn't want to be called "pious midget grabby-hands destitute asshole" either, but plenty of Indian women did call him that. Gandhi would just smile and bless them, making them even madder. Run, Gandhiji, run!

Contents 1 Early Life 2 Rise to Power 3 Racism and Food Habits 4 Gandhi's Nonviolent Movements 5 Occupy the Sea 6 A Changing Regime 7 Whoops, no rice for you! 8 Pakistan for the Pakistanis 9 Testing his lust, fries with that 10 Writings and Ramblings and Getting Along 11 Death

edit Early Life

He was born, grew up, and subsisted on rice, beans, and sunshine. He had a rather nice childhood.

Although Gandhi is famous for wearing nappies in public, trying on babies clothes was something which he only publicly admitted to when he was old enough to pay a tailor to make him a pair of very nice trousers. At about this time he realized that he should give his money to beggars in his own family instead.

As a child he was so small that his parents used him for a doorstop and his friends - who called him "Ganjaji" - used him as a goal line. Throughout his life he slipped into movie theaters on a children's discount. When pushed, he would claim to stand slightly over 4 feet tall and weigh close to 60 pounds, showing that big things do come in small packages. Or so he told the ladies.

edit Rise to Power

Before the British conquered India, the country was a peaceful monkey-God utopia, similar to Egypt when the stonebuilders ruled, or Germany before Hitler went insane. Communism prevailed, by a mandate from the masses, but before long India became little more than a large factory for producing war machines and contraceptives for greedy white limey bastards.

Gandhi became aware of the racial and class discrimination in India when he noticed that his country, neighborhood, and home were occupied by British troops. He decided to make Britain leave the premises.

One fateful day, while rooting through a dumpster for some more Vedas, Gitas, or hindu girly magazines (you know the ones, where they dance), Gandhi discovered grimy copies of "You Say The Kingdom Of God Is Within Me? Huh?"" by Lew "Лев Никола́евич Толсто́й" Tolstoy and "Until We Dance" by John "Don't Rus Me" Ruskin. Fascinated by these two author's large vocabulary and bushy beards, the young man decided to work for the good of his people and become their leader against the British.

Well, Gandhi went to work. Speaking on street corners, organizing rallies, thumbing his nose at Brit soldiers and running away (Run, Gandhiji, run!), Gandhi laid the groundwork for harrassing the English, rather a bothersome ninny. Sadly, the Indian people were too anal to leave their curry houses and follow Ganhdi, and instead they publicly humiliated him by insulting his loincloth (a deadly insult in those days, but warranted in his case). Mad with peaceful rage, Gandhi swore to the many armed goddess that one day he would become the King of the Indians.

From that day on, British, South African, and Indian lawmakers, politicians, and military officers were the subject of endless pranks. Gandhi gloated as his people finally joined him, and chuckled as his political opponents lost momentum almost overnight - well, overdecades. Gandhi watched the British Empire very very very slowly melt away as he gained more and more power and held it in a clenched fist of peace.

edit Racism and Food Habits

Gandhi loved to hang out with the so-called Untouchables to grab his share of free food. He often said that he was an untouchable in the real sense of the word. Gandhi picked up food from the floor, wore his rags with peeky-holes, and walked in the midst of the rich who would move aside not to honor him but from the smell. Only Gandhi would hug dead untouchables, and since even the untouchables wouldn't do that, they began to shun Gandhi.

But Gandhi didn't let being shunned by untouchables stop his fun. Far from it! He enjoyed sneaking up behind an untouchable, touching him, and either running away or doing that thing where the guy turns around and you silently sneak behind his back and touch him again. It never got old.

As for food habits, Gandhi kept to his childhood diet of rice, beans, and sunshine. He had a rather nice adulthood.

edit Gandhi's Nonviolent Movements

Not much really. In later decades Gandhi's movement accomplishments took on an all-out-of-proportion status. The only reason everyone thinks he did huge non-violent movements is because the black guys in the United States, mainly James Bevel and Martin Luther King, Jr., used Gandhi's writings and did it so much better. Then there was that movie, which implied Gandhi organized a major movement every week or so as he aged decades in the same reel. Fact is, Gandhi published subersive newsletters (boring), led a few boycotts in the 1910s and 1920s (yawn), and asked Indians to not pay taxes or buy British stuff, like record albums and tea and British whores and such. He mainly did politics, and his holy religious parties negotiated with the British to point them first to their hats and coats, then to the door.

Gandhi's actual big whoop-de-doo was his 1930 Salt March to the Sea, which was like occupy but with the sea.

edit Occupy the Sea

"Hey hey, ho ho, the Indian Ocean has to go" was the chant as tens of thousands of Indians joined Gandhi as he marched down many roads must a man walk down and finally reached the sea. What was he complaning about? That people had to pay taxes on salt, with the money going to the British. This was like rubbing salt in the wounds of nationalistic fervor, literally. So Gandhi reasoned, "Hey (hey, ho ho...), dudes, come on man, it's just salt from the Indian ocean. I'm going to go grab me some. Anyone who wants to come with me can walk along."

When he and his circle of friends finally reached the sea, lots of people were arrested. But they got some salt, and put it on rims of glasses, and then they started to drink. Drink to the British leaving 16 years later!

edit A Changing Regime

The more political and executive power Gandhi gained, and the more years he spent in prison, the more his sanity seemed to suffer and the more tits he sold. After a few decades his Epicurean lifestyle, salt consumption, time in prison, and a high-carb diet resulted in what appeared to be extreme brain damage. Gandhi, by now called the father of his country, would wander around barefoot with his loincloth slipping off at inappropriate moments. Instead of sandaling up and re-clothing his loins, he'd accuse members of his own household of crimes ranging from “looking funny” to “breathing too heavily” to "who stole my lighter?"

Paranoia seemed to have set in, and Gandhi pretended to outlaw squirrels and possums, declaring them to be “disgusting, perverted and monstrous creatures." As he became more of a scary skeletal outline of his former self, his perceived outlook on life shifted towards the morbid, the insane, the absurd and the desperate. But behind it all he smiled, and laughed and laughed and laughed at the commotion. He was a very strange man.

edit Whoops, no rice for you!

If there was anything Gandhi loved more than a new rice bowl it was the feeling you get when you wake up in the morning, a kitten in your lap, and see the sunrise. Gandhi thought that when he showed the Brits the door all the Indians would feel like they had a kitten in their lap and had just seen a beautiful sunrise. Only he didn't realize that some of them would stare in the sun too long and get those little afterimages that are a nuisance for an hour or so. That is what happened when the Moslems and Hindus lost their referee.

edit Pakistan for the Pakistanis

A high point in Gandhi's rep is when he helped separate Pakistan from India, and let the Muslims have their way somewhere else. The operative phrase there is "somewhere else". Gandhi had no intention of helping the Muslims gain their own country, he just wanted them out of his. And just like he put the boot to the backend of the British oppressors, he got back in the sandal again and fasted his ass off until the Paki's and Injuns stopped fighting, well, after they killed half-a-million of each other.

When Gandhi's bi-annual "Fast to the Death" failed to kill him, the disapointed Paki's picked up their spices and left, ah, peacefully. "Leave your recipes," he yelled at them as they crossed the border. And so they did.

edit Testing his lust, fries with that

In order to gain physical control over his lustful emotions, at least in theory, the father of his country used to bring his nieces and other volumpsious young women to bed. He and they would then get all naked and giggly, and he'd just lay there to see if anything stirred. It usually did.

"To control the lust for women, food, and breathable air," Gandhi would tell the crowds who gathered outside his bedroom window to watch and take bets, "an enlightened man must always test these things. Take this mushroom, onion, and pinapple pizza here, I will now eat it but I'll will my stomaach to not digest it. Then I'll will it to not digest these fries. And my niece here, sitting upon my lap and squirming, I'll will my engourged member to not notice such foolishness."

Soon the bookies had to pay off the naysayers, and Gandhi would shyly smile and shrug as he lined up shotglasses, racing forms, and lube to further test his resolve.

edit Writings and Ramblings and Getting Along

Gandhi published newspapers and newsletters and broadsides in South Africa and India, getting the people all riled up and bothered. He'd pass his writings out on the street, like an early version of Lee Harvey Oswald with his "Fair Play For Aruba" pamphlets, or stuff them into women's shopping bags and under windshields in parking lots. Then he'd be chased away by fat British security guards. Why Gandhi bothered is anybody's guess, although he seemed to get a kick out of it.

He wrote at least one good book, My Experiments with Truth (સત્યના પ્રયોગો અથવા આત્મકથા), a sequel to George Washington Carver's My Experiments with Fruit (and Nuts). In the book Gandhi recounts the handful of times he told the truth and caught living hell for it. "Never again," he vowed upon the corpse of the many-armed monkey. But that's another story.

edit Death

“Rose...bud”

~ Gandhi on his death soil

While Gandhi’s power was uncontested, perhaps the greatest threat to his power came when he was assassinated (Run, Gandhiji, run!). His killer was the same kind of moron the world has to put up with from time to time. Gandhi's last word was "Rosebud", thought to be an obscure but humorous reference to a film he'd seen the day before.