Gandalf
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“Tell me where is Gandalf? for I much desire to speak with him.”
~ Celeborn on The Fellowship
“YOU SHALL NOT PASSSSS!”
~ Gandalf on himself
“My lord gandlof foogray is coming”
~ Bad asian translation on Gandalf
“He and I once shared a Crack Pipe and regaled one another with stories of old.”
Raphael "Sauronovitch" Gandalfsky (Russia, 1005 A.D. - Bangladesh, 1337 A.D.), also known as Ian Murray McKellen, is a famous grunge and metal musician for the band The Shire. He's also known for being a Balrog tamer and brother of Bob Geldof, who lives in a galaxy far, far away...
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[edit] Biography
Gandalf is the older brother of his younger brother Saruman, who, by wizarding standards, is normally seen as "a bit barmy" (See article on Saruman for more information on the conflict between the two).
He used to attend Harvard law school, but due to discrimination against beards in that time, he was kicked out and forced to become a wizard.
Set by his masters, the 1337s of Arda, in order to fight against Sauron (the Lord of the Dance) Gandalf learnt his dancing skills with great master Voltaire, and later became Isaac Newton's padawan. He was defeated by Sauron after a personal dance contest staged in a pit of lava, and after his burns had healed, he travelled to the kingdom of Fellatio to settle a dispute between the Fellatians and Emperor Ferdinand von Turd IV. This resulted in the Great Poo War and the birth of the science of Random Crap.
Born in Örebro in Sweden, Gandalf enjoyed a fairly normal upbringing. They were happy times. The wizard was once quoted in Time magazine:"Life was better before I met those blasted hobbits."
Boys will be boys, and with Gandalf it was no different, except that he started off as a girl. He (She?) and his (her?) gang of midgets - who's heterosexuality was questioned many times over, especially by themselves - ran Amok on the Swedish countryside, otherwise known simply as snow. Their favorite prank was "haha, you got fucked by a horse". First the gay midgets would kidnap a fair maiden from the castle nearby, blindfold her and leave her out by the duckpond. Gandalf and Shadowfax, who has been his friend through many dangers, would usually show up some hours later, too drunk to walk. Then Gandalf would start chanting in an attempt to summon the ghost of Al Borland. Sadly, Al never showed his face there in the woodlands near Örebro. Furious about the outcome, Shadowfax and Gandalf would start taunting the poor girl. This ritual could go on for days and was, in fact, quite boring. Then, when the girl could endure no more, the comrades would untie her and release her, after first of all telling her unfunny jokes involving chickens and roads.
Nobody really understood Gandalf's humour. Maybe that's why he had so few friends growing up.
Later he was portrayed by Odin in the Lord of the Rings movies. However, there are rumours that Odin died during filming, and the real Gandalf was called on set to play himself. Film director J.R.R Tolkien found this particularly coincidental, as Gandalf had also played the part of Tolkien in "The Life and Times of Darth Vader". Not mentioning the fact that Tolkien had acted the part of Odin in a school nativity play, this formed a strange dramatic continuum between the three men. It has been theorised that they are all the one and the same individual, forming some grotesque holy trinity.
However, throughout his life, Gandalf was described as something of a Renaissance Man (in fact, it was he who invented the Renaissance). In his spare time he enjoyed painting, hunting vampires, pickling weasels and playing football for Wales. He is also suspected to have been Jack the Ripper, and numerous recent murders have been blamed on Gandalf.
Gandalf has now created a bionic body, whilst he bides his time to destroying the world. He attends "Kingsbrook School", in the United Kingdom, under the guise of "D.W.", or "The pirate", He is currently undergoing 25 years worth of bullying in a week due to his unusually large amount of pain he can withstand. He also enjoys regular bubblebaths with Wibbs Johnathon Smith. Ben Tearle and Sam Manners also enjoy to have these bathtimes. *Sudsy Sudsy*
According to Wikipedia, Gandalf is a fictional character. That must be why Wikipedia is so shit. Glaring omissions like that are just not excusable. Wikipedia Sucks!
[edit] Road to Wizardry
Gandalf did not begin his adult life as a wizard, in fact he was a mere human just like you and me. First of all, he had to go to Hogwarts, where he began his study of the black arts.
Little is known of the seven years he attended this 4-year course. Strangely, all those who witnessed his abject failure in class have died mysteriously...
All the shit about horses that was previously here has been deleted under Uncyclopedia Rule One: Be Funny Not Stupid.
[edit] Hustling
Gandalf helped himself out briefly by hustling the streets. He sold vials of goat urine to small children in the Rohan kingship, as many children were tired of drinking the old kings urine or the urine of his horses and needed something exciting and new. Gandalf provides the land of Middle Earth with a variety of black market items. He established a circle of trusted hairy christian monks who later became his only visible trusted friends. Gandalf rode to battle many times with small, ecletic items and creatures on his lap. He's ridden with miniature, hairy-footed beings with false celtic accents, glowing balls, and Alvin and the Chipmunks between his powerful front incisors. Gandalf tried to preach Wu-Tang theory in Middle Earth, but sadly the people of his land had no idea what the word fuck or even Wu-Tang meant. They simply had developed a speech impediment and subsequently removed his left ventricle. His number one hit single "Goodbye Horses", played on Middle Earth fiddle's for a good thousand years before it proved less eternal than Saurons genitalia. He can change form, he can be gandalf the grey, gandalf the white but never gandalf the black.... RACISM!!!
[edit] "Your Ass Is Grass"
it is often thought that Gandalf shouts "You Shall Not Pass!!!, but, due to his magical cloning of Dr. Elmett Brown going out of control the crazed clones killed the original Gandalf and turned on each other, until only one survived, who we now know as Leonardo Di Vinchy. As the clone was a mere shadow of Gandalf's original form who had a deeper voice and was obsessed with telling rebellious kids to come see his "Time Machine", he went on to make the so called WoW Lag Time Vortex by driving his DeLorean into a wall made of recycled CD-Keys of The Burning Crusade.
He then proceeded to create a Wizard lvl 70. He got so much pwnage that he breached the barrier between 1337 speak and n00b lang. and when attempting to stop Leroy Jenkins from luring a party into a precipice, the inmortal phrase "Your Ass Is Grass!!!" was born.
[edit] "Pipeweed Addiction"
It is a poorly known fact that most of Gandalf's Magic and Adventures were solely attributed to the fact that Gandalf (not to mention everyone in middle earth) is high on pipeweed. In 1923 When Gandalf was still in his senior year at hogwarts his wand had a misfire *this is why he swapped to a staff* and set the entire local bog on fire. Gandalf was expelled from hogwarts, and outside of the school grounds he found a pile of weeds that were smoking. He walked over took a big sniff of the smoke and nearly passed out from the power of the drug. Gandalf soon harvested the weeds, and sold it in numerous different forms. Pipeweed, Cocainweed, speedweed, and so on. Gandalf sold these drugs and got on the teachers good side and was admitted back to Hogwarts.
After graduation Gandalf soon started distributing all of this drug to to the rest of middle earth. The ones who took a particular liking were the hobbits. Gandalf set up shop in hobbitshire. Receiving funding from Bilbo Baggins, Gandalf soon went mad from being exposed to raw pipeweed for so long. He went into a permenant hallucination, caused by the drug. Soon after, He kidnapped 4 small children(Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin). He has yet to be found, and is wanted dead or alive.
[edit] Wanted Dead or alive
Gandalf is wanted dead or alive for kidnapping 4 small hobbit children. He is believed to have lured them into his truck with the promise of candy & sweets. Reward of 10000 bags of pipeweed. Sources can reveal that Gandalf has large oil reserves and at this very moment in time Bush is mobilsing forces to invade gandalf's land.
