Galileo

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“Galileo, galileo, Galileo, galileo, Galileo, figaro!”

~ Freddy Mercury on Galileo

“Do you declare to want to abjure these heresies in name of the Church?”

~ Pope on Galileo

“Abnegation is not enough for us anymore: now put you in knee and barks as a dog!”

~ Pope on Galileo

“I said that Earth turns around the Sun? What a stupid! It is obvious that I joked...”

~ Galileo on Inquisition

Galileo Galilea Galaleli Galilei has been an italian pizza-man that in free-time faked to be an astronomer and a university teacher. Galileo had to be really unlucky: the Church liked all the cosmological models, the more stupid too, except his theories, because in the Genesis, a Bible book, Abraham said: "Galileo is a buffoon!"

[edit] Life

It was born in Pisa in 1564 from his father and from her mother, strangely. His father, Ermengardo Galilei, man of strong imagination with the names, was also famous because he discovered that pissing in a glass of water was gotten water-pee. Of his mother, Lovigina Bottazzi in Galilei, knows few, only that she was seduced and impregnanted from the sex-appealer Ermengardo. In 1574 the family Galilei moved from Pisa to Florence, disagreeable thing for Galileo, hooligan of Pisa's Football Club, that stayed in the mayor Italian League and compete for the Champions League. There Galileo studied in the convent of Ours Mrs. of the Cripples where he remained up to the fifteen year-old age.

In the 1581 Ermengardo, for fear that his child could become a down-and-out mason as him, he enrolled him in the faculty of Medicine, to make him become a doctor and to make him to earn a boat of money with the mutual ones. But Galileo, that didn't know how to distinguish a spleen from a leg, was not particularly attracted by the idea to become a doctor. It repeatedly jumped the lessons, it unwillingly studied and it gave only 3 examinations in one year risking to depart for the soldier. At last, after having belched in front of the teacher of Pathological Anatomy during an examination, he succeeded in making to be expelled by the faculty and so he could deal with matters to him more congenial: the mechanics, the hydraulic, the statics, the pussy.

In 1587 Galileo knows Guidobaldo Del Monte. Galileo, without not even a fuckin' degree, it got therefore the desk to the university in Pisa with a monstrous recommendation, so much obscene that his Wolkswagen often was dirtied by writings like: "Galilei, shit recommended!"

The desk had 4 legs and well two drawers, but it didn't draw the leg, so the scolars kept on looking him under the skirt during the lessons.

It was in that period that Galilei practiced some of his best intuitions, destined to change history of the humanity. Galilei in fact it discovered:

• that a ball put on a tilted plan rolled down and didn't go up again on as amiss many they thought then;
• that if you make to oscillate an object it oscillates;
• that if you make to fall down a glass it breaks;
• that a solid body is better of a liquid body
• that making to fall a wood sphere and one of lead from the tall one of the tower in Pisa risks to peck at a passers-by and to be taken to kicks in the ass;

Since to the university in Pisa he was perceiving a hunger salary, Galileo asked a new recommendation to Guidobaldo Del Monte that, thanks also to the support of cardinal and prelates he succeeded in making him call to the university in Padua as teacher of mathematics, with a salary of 180 florins the year, "thirteenth", 30 days of paid vacations and car place in parking of the athenaeum. Also to Padua the genius inarrivabile of Galileo gave its best ideas. In 1593 was invented the car to put again the cores in the olives, useful when you pit too to prepare the rice salad.

Galileo also discovered:

• that the animal farts as us;
• that an absorbed body in a liquid receives a push solo if there is someone under ready to push him/it, otherwise it sinks (Archimede's Law 2 - the revenge);
• that a thermometer put under the armpit is able to measure the fever;
• that to compress a gas it's possible, but what fuck can you do with?
• that in summer it's warm;
• that in winter it's cold;
• that in spring and autumn it's half and half;
• that if you drink a basin of water it becomes undrinkable and if you risk yourself to drink it in every case you burn your tongue;

The importance of Galilei, in that years, however, it goes over the simple academic lessons: it is in fact with the private lessons that its thought spreads and becomes always stronger, thanks to the important students that follow these lessons: Vincent Gonzaga, duke of Mantua, Piersilvio Berlusconi, Pavarotti and friends, Mickey Mouse, the cardinal Ruini, Margherita Hack, Sbirulino, Super Mario.

Around 1597, Galileo occupied him of the study and of the realization of tools of measure, among which the compass. Subsequently it also invented:

• the goniometer
• the ruler
• the ruler with an hole
• the scotch
• the vaporizer
• the useful system of numeration in base 12,43

Toward halves the 1609 Galileo invented the spyglass. For a long time in fact the Tuscan scientist was to the search of something that made him see better the tettona of the balcony of forehead while he was making him the bath. Deepened studies brought to the realization of optic lenses worked with tall precision and at the end of the privacy for his unfortunate neighbor. Between a maialata and the other one day Galileo oddly thought about aiming his tool not in anymore horizontal but upward, to see something that didn't have a pussy among the legs. It was so that the illustrious scientist also discovered besides the female bodies the celestial bodies, surely less arrapanti but not for this less important ones. Galileo undertook observations to determine the position of the Sun, of the Moon and to remember where he had parked the auto. The astronomic discoveries, you realize through the new tool, that served for confirming the correctness of the Copernican model, were then harvests in the Sidereus Nuncius, published in March of 1610 with the title of Miranda Pornostar, for better breaking down on the market of the books.

Now we needs to understand that the in force models on the cosmology in that historical period were so many. Among the most acute theories we remember:

• The Tolemaich model : Earth is to the center of the universe, the sun and the other planets they turn around us, other galaxies don't exist, the alien ones don't exist, only the man exists, let's mind your fucking business and we live one hundred years. A pleasant model to the Church, especially for the end.
• The bidimensional model, conceived in 1486 by the scientist Pippo: earth is a flat table and ends to the third kilometer of the street Romagna to the release with the tollgate of Melegnano. If you go over you fall down. If you fall down you don't save yourself anymore. A pleasant model to the Church because it seems pits a footstep of the Bible in which Jesus mentions to the tollgate of Melegnano there and therefore everything was in line with the Sacred Writings.
• The model of the free will: the Earth is to the center of the universe and the other planets and the same Sun they rotate around you set in concentric spheres that same God handles to mend if the mechanism clogs without never asking money, also in the festive ones. The other stars around the planets were set around in the last ring and everything there was a kind of cap that the universe contained, probably done in plexiglass. All perfect, all unchangeable and fixed in the centuries of the centuries. All clear except the title: where is free will? The Church was enthusiastic of it: finally a model where everything was imposed and that it gave the absurd illusion to be able to choose alone to the believers.
• The theory of different possibility: the Earth is to the center, the universe is ended but the existence of some life was admitted on the other planets, correct the Saturday evening however. Also this model was born from the Church because in a minuscule short step of the Gospel according to Kebab, child of Fnac (then is goes lost), Jesus said that there is not badly anything of in to make a pizza and cinema on Saturdays evening.
• The Manga theory: over the Earth there are other worlds, but if you risk yourself to cross them Mazinga it strikes by lightning yourself with his ray and he incinerates you. Mazinga is sent by God, therefore everything is ok. Theory approved from the Church because it seems that one of the children of Isacco was called Mazinga.
• The theory minimalist Assyrian: at the beginning there was the primordial potatoes broth, probably never servant, and therefore eternal. That's all. Other planets don't exist, other earths don't exist, Cristopher Columbus is a piece of shit, fuck America and himself. Even this theory was well seen from the Church because in a footstep of the stateless Gospel Alpitour, child of Upim, brother of Fnac, uncle of Jesus, clearly said that Christopher Columbus had broken him the balls.

In the meantime Galileo continued his cosmological discoveries. In the years to follow Saturn it discovered, Venus, the satellites of Jupiter. And an evening discovered that they were stoling him the car from the balcony of his house. In short sights his interesting open Galileo was ready to shout with strength that Copernico was right. Sinned only that the same Copernico later a few evenings phoned him saying to mind his own business. Already, because that was an epoch in which you could not speak and you could not democratically say what you thought. Diminish her that later in Italy things so they have not happened anymore!

[edit] The disputes with the Church and some members of the inquisition.

Just in that period in fact Galileo it ended the layout of the Dialogue above the Maximum Systems of the World that it went out in all the bookstores with the title Countess GianUbalda, always with the objective to break down more easily in the market of the book industry. In the same year Galileo was called to present dinnanzi to the Court of the inquisition together with Luciano Moggi with the accusation to be cheats liars. Galileo, mindful of the end of the poor Jordan Bruno, roasted and cooked together with the fry of "zeppole", definite to surrender without conditions; the investigators, surprised by this unexpected pliability they lifted the cheap in game. During the 3 hours in the Council Chambers the poor Galileo was forced:

• to sniff the own farts
• to bark as a dog
• to spit alone him in face
• to sing the Vatican's hymn in Italian and in Latin
• to rub the ass on a grater
• to piss on his own manuscripts

When the inquisition was satisfied to Galileo it was granted to return home, with the obligation however to recite 17 psalms to like every evening, punishment the folgorazione with the laser rays from Mazinga (in effects since that time the Church was so powerful to make you believe what it wanted).

Galileo died on January 8 1642. Its last words were: "shit of a country!"

[edit] Galileo today

You grave of Galileo today, to which the seals have been affixed after the election of the new Pontiff.

During the centuries that followed the Church it modified his own position towards Galileo: the Sant'Uffizio granted the erection of a mausoleum in his honor in the church of Saint Cross to Florence, you/they were removed by the index the books that taught the motion of the Earth, in short all understood the enormous importance of his discoveries. Everybody less that one: Blessed XVI, which 2 days after his election to Pontiff have reopened the trial against Galileo, adding another life sentence to his punishment, don't caring about the fact that he was dead from more than 4 centuries. He has put besides the seals to his grave, whose ashes with the vacuum cleaner will be removed for making place to the bare ones of its dear German shepherd Adolf.