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edit Gaimophobia

There has been a cellular deficiency infesting people of young age: internet gaming. Usually most people between the ages of 11 and 24 are the ones who are most susceptible to this fixation. The temporary handicap of the immune system is extremely contagious and an easily attained ailment among the age group. Mostly males have this, but a few cases of females have been found too. The unassuming slight degeneration of bodily functions sucks the very life away from these “gamers” and causes rapid sleep loss and inordinate infatuations with computers. Fortunately, even though this contagion is widespread, usually people outgrow it. Generally, most people’s bodies develop natural antibodies of reason and maturity. There are some horrific cases of people whose bodies do fail to create these antibodies, though. These people, unfortunately, remain computer-chair ridden the rest of their lives. The poor creatures tend to lose use of their legs and form allergy-like symptoms to sunlight. These people tend to make a living by winning internet game tournaments and they receive room and board from the “Disappointed Mothers of America!” organization, which is generally headed by each individual's mother. These cases are a small percent though, of the large population of the “gamers”, who need the real attention.

edit Symptoms

In order to ascertain if a child has this complaint of the body, a person can see if the child exhibits some of the symptoms which are listed here:

  1. The child starts talking in abbreviations, such as, lol, btw, brb, gf, br, or gg.
  2. The child sleeps less than a couple of hours a day and is sometimes caught making odd *woosh*, *ching*, or explosion sounds.
  3. The child is found telling his friends that he is the High, Supreme, Magnificent, Superb, Fantastic, Impressive, Excellent, Cool, Great, Groovy Warlord of the North South Western Kingdom of Zhakafazenittoraniakeaenattanckton, or similar names.
  4. The child has a feeling of incompleteness until he can say that he has reached “level 60”.
  5. The child is anywhere between the ages of 11 and 24.

If a child exhibits even one of these symptoms, he most likely has this horrendous bodily unrest.

edit Distorted Language

Of this same confusion of the white blood cells, the most problematic effect of it is the sharp decline in Basic English skills. People who have this suppressor of good health tend to display horrible grammar usage and spelling abilities. Repeatedly, the “gamers” substitute abbreviations for real words on their essays; and at numerous times misspell the words that are not abbreviated. Angered by the drop in their children’s English grades, parents sought to compile a new dictionary of these abbreviations for English teachers' usage. The final product was written by Jon Shake á Spear and published by My Left Arm printing press under the name of The New Dicshunry of the Gamer Langwig. A few excerpts from this new dictionary follow:

  • btw v. beat the wise
  • bf v. be free
  • bff v. be free free
  • brb n. basic ring beeper
  • b/c v. bees divided by cats
  • blmmfraorhrl ? (this has yet to be deciphered)
  • gf n. gum friend
  • ilu n.& v. idiots look up
  • idk n.& v. idiots don't know
  • lol n. litigiously overbearing lithograph
  • l8er ? (unsure, appears to be a mathematical equation using numbers and letters to form some unknown, deep, intellectual word)
  • lmao v. let's make an oreo
  • nm v. not mine
  • np v. never pet (wild kangaroos)

With this new dictionary parents hope to see a rise in English grades.

edit The Gamers' Response

To the same effect, parents have nonetheless continued to complain about their children's gaming habits. Out of response to these complaints, “gamers” have sent out retaliations, and they have all rallied behind the “Internet Gamers” corollary of the “Parents Are So Unfair” doctrine, which only seconds in popularity to the “Parents Don't Understand” amendment of the Teenager Constitution. Some of the more popular retaliations added to this corollary are as follows:

  1. “My mom is the one with the obsession. She is obsessed with sleeping. Everyday she wastes a whole 8 hours of her day feeding this obsession; at least I am trying to break this habit.”
  2. “Both of my parents are highly addicted to breathing. If you try to confront them about it they will just deny that they have any addiction. I am there and I see how many times they breathe a day, it is a really bad addiction, they are not able to stop.”

The “gamers” stand proudly behind their justification for their bodily inconvenience. Unfortunately for the “gamers'” cause, their “justifications” have all the more motivated people to stop this converse of good condition.

edit Solutions to the Disorder

edit Media's Solution

In relation to the efforts to fix the problem, the media has stepped up to help inform parents on the terrible side effects of the internet gaming turbulence of health. 60 Minutes has led the media in this pursuit. In January of 2006, 60 Minutes released its most popular anti-games news report. In the news report, 60 Minutes reported how a team of Russian scientists have proved that teenagers playing internet games leads to hair growth and increase in body odor. The scientist said that the proof is that from the youngest to the oldest “gamers” ages, 11 to 24, there can be viewed noticeable differences in hair and odor. Parents continue to take this into extreme consideration. The parents have even related memory loss to internet games because they noticed an increase of hair and body odor among themselves since they were children but do not remember playing these internet games. In response to this theory, parents have redoubled their search for solutions by allowing their children to play more internet games so that they have more time to think without distractions.

edit Japan's Solution

In search of these solutions to help the parents, Japan has launched its own project to come up with a solution. After nine minutes of discussion, Japan released its new theory, one in which they have complete confidence will work. The Japanese theory states that parents should lock their children in their basement computer room and force them to play all the new fantasy games until they are successfully ten years out of the target gaming complication age range, in order to prevent recession. Parents will have to buy the supply of fantasy games, but Japan gaming companies have all agreed to help out the children and their parents by lowering their prices from $50.00 to $49.99. The whole theory as well as the generosity of the Japanese companies, was praised by American government officials.

edit Government's Solution

Also in support of helping the children, the American government tried its hand at fixing the problem. Unfortunately, the Supreme Court ruled “helping teenagers” unconstitutional. Because of this, people turned to their last resort in helping the teenagers, the teenagers themselves.

edit As Def Jekel's Solution

It is thought that if the teenagers are approached sensibly and reasoned to, that would solve the problem. Tests have been done in New Mexico where teenagers have started managing their time better and have avoided spending so much time on the internet games. Thus, the “gamers” epidemic may finally be over and everything may return back to normalcy as long as people take up this action. Unless your destiny is to play video games... this solution should work.

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