Gaara
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“I wonder if he'd share that giant peanut he carries on his back.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Gaara
“Wait, you mean he can't punch or anything? What other powers does he have?”
~ MasakoX on Gaara
“He has the power---of the FUNK!!!”
~ Vegeta3986 on Above quote
“He has the power---of the EMO!!!”
~ Vitinho on Above quote
“Ugh, I can't stand brats.”
~ Kankuro on Gaara
“I don't understand why he takes my eyeliner everyday. I swear he wears more than I do! What a prick!”
~ Temari on Gaara
“The one person who has the most potential to be far more emo than I am.”
~ Sasuke Uchiha on Gaara
“OH MY GOSH, GAARA! AHH! HE' SO HOT AND SMEXYYYY!!! ;DDDD HE PWNS SAS-GAY ANYDAY!”
~ Some obsessive fangirl named "Ai-Channnnn! ;DD" on Gaara
Gaara is some nomadic special case from the Village Hidden in the Sand who can control sand. His hobbies include killing people, sand, killing people, talks about why he exist to live (to kill people of course), and DDR. He is known as Gaara of the Funk (uncha, uncha, uncha, Gaara of the Funk!). He has two older siblings; Temari, his older sister who specializes in Guitar Hero and can somehow carry a near-200-pound giant fan despite possessing no muscle mass whatsoever; and Kankuro, the middle child of the family and deranged mental case with a fixation for puppets and painting his face with Temari's lipstick. Gaara possesses the spirit of a giant raccoon demon that turned him into a complete social outcast upon being sealed into Gaara. The village shunned him because of possessing the spirit, but others say it was mostly because of his creepy eye shadow and red hair. This, along with the fact that everyone tried to kill him made Gaara into a super emotional machine of destruction.
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[edit] Early Life
Gaara's early life was pretty sad actually. He was like 2-foot something, had red hair, and wore eye shadow like every single day. Nobody talked to him because he possessed the spirit of the evil raccoon spirit. Wow, something tells me the people of the Naruto universe really don't like kids with giant multi-tailed animals sealed in them. Of course, Gaara just wanted some friends and to be loved. He had two older siblings, but they themselves were pretty strange themselves so Gaara searched for someone who wasn't always playing with fans or a deranged puppet lover. He found his aunt/uncle to be exactly what he was looking for. She/he was sweet, gentle, gave Gaara sweets for behaving, and a whole bunch of cheesy things aunts/uncles do. Oh, and she/he encouraged young Gaara to become emo. Before then, Gaara would cut himself to see if he'd bleed, but all that ever came out was sand. He asked his aunt/uncle what it felt like, to hurt. In response, his aunt/uncle cut her/himself and responded "Why do any of us hurt? If life is so fair, then why do roses have thorns?". Gaara was both shocked and impressed with how his aunt/uncle was such an über emo. Then one night, a ninja broke into his house and attacked him. Of course, Gaara showed the intruder what happens to mindless ninjas that attack Gaara. Gaara used his powers to wrap the intruder in sand and proceeded to crush her/him with his new power "Sand Coffin". With the intruder down, Gaara removed the mask to see it was his aunt/uncle. Demanding an answer as to why she/he attack him, she/he responded "Because you're so friggin' weird. Seriously, why the heck do you wear eyeshadow for?". Then she/he(it) died. Realizing that nobody seemed to care about him and the fact that he pretty much didn't need anyone, Gaara made it his purpose in life to find the meaning for his "existence". To prove how badass he was, he voted for Bush twice in the hopes of causing more people to die, which made even more people hate him (That's right. The Sand Village are all liberal treehuggers, except that they have no trees to hug). He plans to vote for John McCain in 2008 with hopes that the delusional republican's claim to go to war for "100 more years". Early in his life, he also featured as the lead singer of Green Day.
[edit] Chunin Exams
Years later, Gaara traveled to Konoha with his two troubled siblings. They immediately picked fights with 5-year-olds until Naruto and his band of troubled kids came to save the day. Impressed by Naruto's stupidity, Sakura's uselessness, and Sasuke's emoness for being the biggest emo on earth, Gaara was filled with new-found purpose. He smiled at the trio and happily responded, "You're all almost as troubled as I am. I can't wait to see your true potentials". Later on, Gaara took a written test, cheated, and passed because apparently all one had to do to pass was do nothing until Naruto stated how he never backed down from any challenge. Later on, he and his siblings took the Forest of Death challenge. They attacked random bystanders for the scrolls they were required to get, but of course that wasn't enough for Gaara and he killed them. Kankuro tried to calm Gaara down, but Gaara proceeded to give his siblings a pep talk about "if you guys get in my way, you'll both be destroyed". Needless to say, his siblings shut their yaps and became the first team to make it to the structure in the forest. Soon after, the siblings were all put in preliminary matches before the finals were to take place. Temari was put in a match against Tenten (a member of Team Guy known for being the person with the least screen time on the show, and the only female emo on the show. Have you seen all those knives she has?) and mopped the floor with her, Kankuro was put in a match with Stretch Armstrong and won with his puppets, and Gaara was put in a match with Guy's strange, almost identical student, Rock Lee. The two had an extremely good classic match, but in the end Lee's abilities of youth and pride were no match for Gaara's abilities of grief, despair, and of course sand. Of course Gaara had to be a bad sport and proceeded to break both Lee's left arm and leg. That however was still not enough and he went for the kill (Some people claim that he attempted to do this under the belief that Lee stole his eyebrows), but Guy stepped in and proceeded to insult Gaara's lack of friends and kindness. A day later, Gaara paid Lee a visit in the hospital and proceeded to try and kill him again till Naruto and Shikamaru stepped in. The two proceeded to ask why Gaara was such a prick and liked to kill people. Gaara of course spent the next few minutes talking about death, pain, and suffering and how he considered the giant peanut on his back that carried all his sand to be his mother. Shikimaru sighed and replied, "You call that peanut on your back your mom? You actually want your parents to follow you everywhere? What a drag." Gaara threatened to kill them both, but of course Guy stepped in again and threatened Gaara that he would as the cool kids say "break his foot off in yo ass". Gaara clutched his head after enduring all of Naruto and Shikamaru's talks of kindness and friendships and left the room, but not before he stated that he would "kill 'em all". He would go on to fight Sasuke in the ultimate battle to see who was the superior emo. Sasuke seemed to get the upper hand, but realized that he still wasn't a match for Gaara's sand. After that a whole lot of shit happened (something to do with Orochimaru's attack on Konoha with the assistance of his Pokemon Kabuto and some ninjas that listen to music all the time.) After that, his siblings helped him escape.
Needless to say, a whole more shit happened. Temari ran off with Gaara while Kankuro fought some ninja with a bug fetish. Sasuke fought Gaara, but lost (friggin' noob). Then Naruto and Sakura came and Sakura pissed Gaara off with all her talk about being nice. Gaara knocked the useless ninja out cold and Naruto ended up fighting an emotionally unstable Gaara that at that moment turned into the giant raccoon monster he really was. Naruto summoned the giant toad and became engaged in a quick battle to determine who had the better monster. Of course, a whole lot more stuff happened and it ended with Naruto getting the win.
Gaara was then treated to a nagging session by Naruto about how he understood Gaara's pain of being rejected by everyone he came in contact with. Naruto then went on to state that if Gaara didn't act like a complete psycho and didn't talk about death 24 hours a day, he'd finally get some friends. Gaara wanted to cry, but couldn't because all he ever cries out is sand. After that, his siblings helped him to his feet and the three went back to their village of sand.
A few days later, Gaara and his siblings were called by Konoha to assist Shikamaru's team against the Sound 4. When he asked for a reason why he should help them, Tsunade (the current Hoe-kage) simply replied, "Because that team is friggin' whack". Gaara then realized how much trouble a team composed of a lazy bum, a dog loving moron, an obese ninja, a special case, and a guy into fatalism could get into. Without a moment to lose, the Sand Siblings sprang into action with their new outfits.
Gaara caught up to Lee (the same guy whom he almost cost his life's dream of being a Bruce Lee wannabe) whom was in the middle of a battle with this freakish girly-man named Kimimaro who was apart of the cavemen clan and could use his bones as weapons (eww). While Kimimaro was a decent match, Gaara's sand was just too much for the cave-man wannabe to handle and in the end was overwhelmed. Gaara buried the pathetic sap in a Sand Coffin. Gaara then spat on Kimimaro's resting spot and replied, "Now you know who was responsible for killing all the cavemen."
Although Shikamaru and friends obviously failed in their quest to bring back Sasuke, they got on good terms with Gaara and the other two siblings. After a few kind words, the three ran off into the sunset. Sometime after that, the Village Hidden in the Sand made Gaara their Kazekage (their version of the Hoe-kage). Gaara was finally accepted by people. Of course becoming the top ninja in his town before Naruto, Gaara wrote and sent Naruto a letter where he bragged about beating Naruto to the top ninja spot. Naruto cursed Gaara and wished something bad would happen to him. Careful what you wish for Naruto, because it might just happen.
[edit] As Kazekage
Two years later, two members of Akatsuki invaded the Village Hidden in the Sand with the intent to capture Gaara and take the raccoon spirit inside of him. The members were none other than girly-man and art fanatic Deidara, and living puppet boy Sasori. Deidara fought Gaara for a while till he finally defeated the poor kid and the two made off with him. Kankuro tr,ied to save Gaara, but got pwned by Sasori. In a mysterious series of events an almost invincible living puppet, Sasori, was defeated by this old woman aided only by SuperSakura (Sakura after Shippuden, once she has discovered that she randomly has super-strength.) Whilst Gaara died from the loss of his evil raccoon spirit, the old woman kindly traded her life for his, whilst selfishly keeping her life-swap jutsu a secret. Currently Gaara is continuing his role as the Stalin of the sand village, pretending to have lost his powers so he doesn't have to risk his life against Akatsuki, it being that people of the sand have an innate fear of talking plants and Gaara has a personal problem with the Uchiha who threaten his title of "ultimate emo".
[edit] Abilites
Well, we pretty much gave you an explanation of the powers this creepy kid has, but lets just refresh your memory. He has the ability to control sand. Anything you think he can do with sand, he can do. He can make copies of himself, put people in a Sand Coffin and then make it explode, make a giant hand, use a large dildo on enemies, etc. Many thought that by taking the raccoon spirit out of his body would result in him losing this ability, but for some unknown reason he kept them regardless. This may support the theory that Gaara is indeed a mutant. Yeah, you certainly don't wanna walk into a dark alley with this guy because he will give you a creepy look and there won't be anytime to scream after that. He also has the power to transform into a giant sand raccoon monster. This ability is pretty scary, but all one has to do to defeat him is to either climb up or catapult themselves to the top of the creature's head and punch Gaara straight on the forehead. He also has the powers of funk. His mastery of DDR has earned him the nickname of Gaara of the Funk (uncha, uncha, uncha. Gaara of the Funk!) The room will change multiple colors and that annoying phrase will play. Of course if you don't respect the funk, Gaara will kill you ("Funk Coffin" uncha, uncha, uncha (Lights change into different colors)). Gaara may kill you even if you respect the funk. If this happens, then Gaara's god, Bruce Campbell told him that you are not worthy of respecting funk and must be annihilated.
[edit] Battles
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