Futebol Clube do Porto

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FC Porto
Full name	Futebol Corrupto do Porto
Nickname(s)	Tripeiros, Pinto da Costa FC Foculporto
Founded	On Pinto da Costa's 1st birthday
Ground	Estádio do Dragão, Porto
Capacity	50,476 bribed suits
Führer	Pinto da Costa
Manager	Jesualdo Ferreira
League	Borlaleague(the frist and only one
2006/07	Bought the title yet again.

Futebol Clube do Porto, often abbreviated to FC Porto and known to Lisboans as Tripers, are a Portuguese football club. They play in the Estádio do Dragão. They hold the second best record in Portugal, with 54 titles, with which they are behind Benfica and get eternally ribbed for. Their current Führer is Pinto da Costa, possibly the best leader in football since Salazar dictated Benfica, and their current manager is Jesualdo Ferreira, although that is not as relevant as in other clubs, since Porto's managers are all just sockpuppets of Pinto da Costa.

[edit] History

Porto were one of the "Big Three" that bought off both the Liga and the three other teams to win a title before 1928 (Carcavelinhos, Marítimo and Olhanense). The Liga consented that all titles before this date would no longer count, and the Big Three had all the titles to themselves for a while, with Porto winning 4. When Belenenses showed up, the Big Three decided to reverse it, but, unfortunately for them, the current FPF chairman also happened to be the chairman of Os Belenenses, so they were screwed out of their "Win every title between the three of us" plan. With that, the three became mortal enemies, which they still are to this day.

Porto took time off through the sixties and seventies, which Benfica dominated, but came back with a vengeance in the eighties. Backed by the financial clout, they bribed their way to many titles in the next twenty years, culminating in bribing UEFA to play AS Monaco (who?) in the 2004 Champions League Final.

Porto fans (aka Tripeiros) believe that Porto is part of the "Big Three", but in fact it's just a small neighbourhood club with lots of mafia money, referee friends, contracted hitmans and bribed members of FPF. Also add in some bitches friends, to help with the bribes.

[edit] Estádio do Dragão

The Estádio do Dragão, oficially known as the Estádio of Tripe is the home stadium of Porto. It is renowned for being the only stadium in the world that is made out of tripe, and it preys on this fact by charging fans exorbitant amounts of money to eat a piece of the stadium. As is tradition in the club, the directors of both the portuguese league and UEFA approved the stadium after a dinner in the local seafood restaurant after which the club's chairman promptly offered some brazilian whores.

Due to the general misunderstanding of the stadium's informal name, many people believe they must wear a chinese dragon suit when in the field or risk having Pinto da Costa ordering their execution. When confronted by the police, the chairman is said to have denied such accusations, stating that only the brazilian whores are obliged by the club to wear the chinese dragon suit when aproaching a referee, so as to clearly state to which club they play for.

[edit] Players

Porto has, due to their rightful recent success, acquired the capacity of selling other team's dismissed players as the most expensive players in Portugal. A good example of this is Pepe, a mediocre defender who couldn't get into a poor Brazil back line, by which Porto managed to get €30,000,000 from Real Madrid. Another famous player was Anderson, who Porto managed to get €17,000,000 from Manchester Utd. despite him having a perennially broken leg and several court appearnces for breaking the world law on how bad hair can be.

Due to this capacity, players like Ricardo Quaresma are usualy linked with possible moves that only come to happen when Pinto da Costa has spent all of his allowance. In a recent controversy, brazilian Tatiana, who is the key-player of the team and is well known for her fellatio techniques, stated she wants a move to a bigger club. Juventus is said to be on the frontline for the acquisition but is not likely that Pinto da Costa will let go of her.

[edit] Current Squad

Helton A reagge guitar player and singer who is known to save balls with is acoustic guitar...unfortunately his guitar was trashed when Hulk stepped on it and now helton has to use is very slender hands to save shots something he his not very fond of!

'Fucile Was bought in a used Uruguayan old guns market for abou 0.7$! Everibody thought it couldn't shoot a bullet till one of his shots hit Benfica striker Nuno gomes in the eye causing him to loose sight of the goal and being currently unable to score any goal! Currently suffering from the Fat People Decease.

Bruno "Airborne" Alves FC Porto main bodyguard enjoys stomping is oponents, crushing their legs, kicking their buts, jump higher than anybody in this world would imagine and smashing Nuno Gomes head.

Pedro Emanuel A veteran Ultramar war machine known for his menacing look and rondhouse kick but not has good has Chuck Norris. His currently becoming obsolete.

Sapunaru Great grand son of count Dracula who loves to bite the referee in case he doesn't cooperate.

Raul Meireles Result of a cloning experience of Chester Bennington DNA that went wrong. There are few differences between the two, Raul has more tattoos and although Chester can play better Raul screams a lot louder and better and is known to cause really great catastrofes with his scream. His louder scream ever is known to have caused Paulo Bento's hair!

'Lucho Gonzalez An Argentine pirate and commander of Porto in the field. His worst enemy is Quim from Benfica who he loves to put walking the plank!

Guarin Pdc found this young man on a cocaine field in Colombia. Responsible for bringing the drugs to bribe addicted refs!

Mariano Another argentine...this one is known for being short and fat he is also the cooker for the team what results for Raul Meireles to stay so skinny because the dinner is almost all eaten by the fat greasy cooker!

Ricardo Quaresma This gipsy used to sell counterfeit goods but is now going to sell them in Milano with José Mourinho.

Lisandro Lopez And another argentine he was adopted when he was a child by Shinobi to become a great ninja master. He uses his ninja technique to knock Benfica's defence, crush Benfica's defence, chew Benfica's defence, spat out Benfica's defence and re-crush Benfica's defence. When he's ot spare time he also loves to squash Benfica's defence.

Nuno That usefull guy that spends time on the bench listening to Helton guitar skills. Known for being far better goalkeeper than the brazilian goalie.

Rolando Result of a mixing process of Bruno Alves and Pedro Emanuel DNA he inherited Bruno's look but he kicks fairly less asses and breaks a lot less legs. Still he beats Bruno at crotch kicking.

Benitez One day PdC and Dr Boskonovitch found Maradona penis and decided to give live to it in their secret lab....This is how Benitez was born!

Tomas Costa He was born in Transilvania thousands of years ago and whas given the name of Nosferatu. Tired of being annoyed by vampire slayers he escaped to Argentina an is now in Portugal to suck the blood unsuspicious refs and to try to steal the prize of uglyest european player out of the hands of Gary Neville (he will succeed).

Cristian Rodriguez An ex KGB agent who defected from the communist regime to the capitalist state of Pdc to work for CIA. Has he knows the secrets of the red country Pdc can now take advantage and launch a nuclear attack that will destroy (whats left of) Benfica.

Tarik When Aladin gave freedom to the lamp genie he fled to Morocco and took the name of Tarik. Plays has a right winger carpet flyer and is known for his record in selling moroccan tapestry in Estadio do Dragão.

Hulk Pdc's most genius work whas to induce a gamma ray treatment into a young brasilian boy named Givanildo who became the Green Monster. The only side effect of this experiment is that now the goal must be replaced everyday after the training...and also because Mariano refuses to go training or playing because he is afraid of the Green monster.

Stepanov A former Radovan Karadzic associate who asked politic asylum to Pinto da Costa. Has the UN are very afraid of PdC he will probably remain untouched.....the coaches also like to leave him untouched in the bench.

Bolatti The argentine boy that....guess what? nobody cares about! Seems to have disappeared in a foggy morning and many people believe him actually to be D. Sebastião. Others believe he is Muadib.

[edit] Money

Porto's exact amount of money is unknown, due to PdC's reluctance to meet Liga and police demands to show the books, but it is estimated that they have around the same amount as Sporting, Benfica, Braga, Marítimo, Académica, Guimarães and Belenenses combined (although the last three don't have much money anyways).

This figures are only right if one thinks of Porto as property of PdC, which it is. It is a well known fact that PdC has taken the responsibility of putting all money from transfers in his safety deposit box in the Cayman Isles.

Due to the recent sales of Anderson and Pepe, Porto have used the €50 million to place a barricade around the city of Porto, stopping any other players from leaving. Benfica and Sporting fans are said to be happy with the situation, since the Porto team is now only allowed to play Home games.

[edit] Apito Dourado

Porto were the main players in the Apito Dourado case (Golden Whistle). This was a famous case designed to prosecute corruption in football. In the end, PdC bought his way off, as usual and tradition.

[edit] Trivia

It is said that actually the first letters FCP stand for the most used expressions in the city of Oporto: "Filha-da-pouta" (Swon-of-a-beetch), "Caɽago" (Cuock) and "Pouta-que-o-paɽiu" (Whwore-whoo-delivered-him), which comprise about 55% of the daily vocabulary from the natives of this particular city. The "r"s of the Oporto natives are spelled like in Hindi and Urdu which along with their peculiar phobic belief that there are Moors in Lisbon, makes scholars speculate that they might have come from a place constantly under the menace of Islam terrorists, eg: India or Sri Lanka.

To pronounce Porto (Oporto in Portuguese), say [pʼuʌɜɽtʊ̯] in such a boisterous churly way, twisting your mandible and tongue like if you were going to eat someone alive. Inside the stadium, one may feel there is going to be cannibalism, when supporters in opposing stands scream [pʼuʌʌʌɜɜɜɽtʊ̯] to each other.

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