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“Well, I Got Banned From deviantART Because Of Them.”
Furries are defined as those that delve pleasure from dressing up as animals and having sex with each other. They can be usually found inhabiting online communites such as deviantART, YouTube and quite recently Uncyclopedia. To many they are sick twisted individuals that need to have a serious brain operation. To each other, they are brothers, their ultimany goal in live is to have sex with an actual animal. Most furries are Japanese, because they're crazy as shit over there (unless you're Japanese, then ignore that). A non-furry should never approach one of these individuals without a rape whistle, taser and copious amounts of pepper spray. Thou hast been warned.
Teachings and practices
The public face of furry is the Church of Lapism; its followers are called Lapists. Those seeking to join must first wear the ears and tail of a rabbit for a year before their "conversion" into a higher (or at least fuzzier) form of life, and are encouraged to spend much of that year hugging one another. This allows them to evolve into one at a faster pace.
Lapism is based upon the teachings of the Book of Peace, which the faithful believe was handed down from the Church's founder, Aaron "Sweetgrass" Geusz. Only three of the Book's twelve chapters are public; the rest are reserved for higher levels of the converted, and contain increasingly disturbing information about aliens, time travel, and the destruction of humanity. Unfortunately, unlike Scientology, much of it true.
Members of some unorthodox denominations interpret the Book to require full-body fursuits mimicking their desired form; they can be distinguished from the truly converted by a lack of shorts. Many participate in the fursuit games, a savage contest of pugil stick bouts and musical chairs.
Lapism's preachers fight against "fursecution", conveying a message of tolerance. Some assume - or even hope - Lapism's goal is to unite the world in a benign theocracy. However, even those high in the inner circles of the Church would be surprised to know their true leaders . . .
The Lapists do not discriminate based on sex; however, to protect society from uncontrolled human-animal hybridization, all converts are required to take a strict vow of homosexuality. There have been reports of lapses as the movement has grown.
Many believe the furry were initially a radical sect of the Illuminati, as evidenced by their gathering on the newsgroup alt.fan.albedo. However, they are in fact a product of the Furcadia Research Facility, established in 1977 as part of what became the Department of Homeland Security. By 1985, experimental models were being introduced into science fiction fandom. Although denounced as "skunkfuckers" after an unfortunate imprinting error, the gatherings of such groups soon grew to number in the hundreds - and, by the late 1990s, the thousands. What the Furcadians planned may never be known, for another group stepped in to control the furries for their own purposes.
Secret Masters of Furry
Lapists worship the rabbit as the highest form of life. But, as always, it is the centauroid cats who have the last laugh. The Chakats emerged as genetically engineered prostitutes in the late 21th century, and were perfected in the era of Enlightenment after the Third World War, pioneering the exploration of outer space and discovering many new worlds. They found they were not the first to do so.
The Flame Wars
Outer patrols began to encounter the forces of the Centauri/Fomalhaut Overwatch (C/FO), a group led by the dread Skiltaire, an otter-like species with the ability to read and control minds from afar. The new arrivals treated humanity and their offspring with contempt. In a demonstration of raw power, the entire population of Chakona-9 was obliterated by a solar flare. The outer worlds fell one by one to the C/FO, and soon Earth itself was laid waste, a mere cinder floating in space. In desperation, the lone Chakat Goldfur managed to escape the destruction of hir species by travelling back in time to the late 20th century.
Normally, being the last of your species would be a problem, but given the Chakats' hermaphroditic nature and legendary fertility, Goldfur soon had a host of clones to found Lapism and counter the threat posed by Skiltaire scouts and their brainwashed minions.
Today, the Chakats and the Skiltaire wage an unceasing war, each attempting to alter the timeline in their favour. Neither wish to alert the public to their presence — the few Skiltaire on Earth would be swiftly overrun, while the Chakats fear destruction at the hands of xenophobic Republicans — thus humans, converted and otherwise, remain blissfully unaware. Goldfur hirself is said to reside in a secret bunker beneath the Cathedral of the Sacred Tails, though few among the faithful are aware of its purpose.
- The Reptiloids have their own agenda: Having learned of time travel from the Chakats, they seek to reverse the course of history itself, reverting to the Cretaceous where their kind ruled the Earth.
- The Burned Furs: former Lapists who have rejected the teachings of Goldfur. Some collaborate with the Skiltaire, while others seek to expose the inner workings of the Church. Fortunately for the Lapists, the group suffers from bitter in-fighting.
- The Nazi Furs have taken the Lapist creed to its illogical conclusion: the forced euthanasia of all non-believers. Disowned by Goldfur's sex spawn — who rather like humans as pets and casual sex partners — members of this group tend to dress up in World War III-era garb, only to participate in mass orgies.
- The Sparkledogs have taken the Lapist "fursona" and added arm warmers. And glowsticks. And wings. And jewelry.
It goes without saying that furries have their enemies, everyone from Oscar Wilde to Charles Evans Hughes to even the famous Alan Alda. There are actually governmental agencies that were established to keep the furry subculture in line. And by that, we mean that if the furries do so much as PET an animal the wrong way, the government will arrest their asses and deport them to Mongolia.
There have also been outspoken hated against furries, and in fact Charles Darwin, in his revision of Origin of Species, left a little caveat in the beginning of his works regarding the furry subculture: "Although humanity and animals underwent natural selection, it is violently unnatural that two species should mate. Look, people, they are called 'species' for a reason. READ A DAMN BOOK!" While furries deny that the subculture involves themselves in outright zoophilia, muckrakers have proven that statement a fallacy.
People such as Gloria Steinem, Lois Lane, Dan Rather, and MTV have released extremely damning reports about "mass orgies" and "people getting pretty weirded out over these fur-suited people." This is hardcore, solid evidence, since of course people getting pretty weirded out demonstrates that the furries could be a nuisance.
- ↑ The First Book of Lapism, pp 25-34
- ↑ Gerbasi, Kathy; Lapists: Men, Mice, or Rabbits?, Society and Animals, 2009-09-31
- ↑ Ritual de lo Habitual; Furry list and what to call this group..., alt.fan.albedo, 1990-11-01
- ↑ Doove, Bernard; An Introduction to Chakats
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